Disabled son verbalizes disconnect over his responsibilities. Any advice?

Finding facility care for your son would be considered an act of responsible parenting, not retaliatory. You haven't said what your son's medical condition is.

You sound overwhelmed with his care. Find a facility for him.

I agree, it's time for him to be placed in a facility that can handle his needs... your ability to care for him will only get more difficult as you age.

Is your sons disability from birth or an accident? Because if from birth, at 18 you should have gotten guardianship. If u don't have it he is considered emancipated. POA is not good in this kind of situation and if incompetent how did u obtain it? With guardianship you have proved to a judge that your son is not capable of running his own life. Did you prove to APS that he has the mind of a 9 yr old which means he cannot not make informed decisions? Are you his payee on his SSD? If not, u really can't handle his money unless the POA is immediate or a doctor has declared son incompetent.

You were right in having son do chores and in handling his money. But seems him living with you is no longer working and its effecting your livelihood. This is not abuse. And I think APS is over-reacting. So this is what I would do. I would sit down with someone with authority and ask how we together can help son. At 27, its time for a group home for him. He is getting too much to handle for you and APS does not think your doing a good job anyway. Their interference is actually causing more problems. So, maybe its time for the State to become his guardian and find him a place suitable for his disability. The State will assign him a guardian and use his SSD towards his care. I know, last thing you want to do but it maybe the only thing u can do to stop this. What do u think would happen to your son if both u and spouse died suddenly. Son maybe happier in a group home with others with the same disabilities.

I sort of know where ur coming from because I oversee a disabled nephew. I am lucky that he can live on his own. I am his DPOA and its immediate so I do have some control over his finances. We work together well in this respect. He has some maturity problems because a neurological problem. He is 33 but about 10 yrs behind maturity wise. He controls his SSD, I control his annuity because its my sisters government pension and they require a payee. The State pays for most of his rent, a coordinator and an aide once a week. So far so good but...I am 73. Because of his neurological problem, he will contract Dementia sooner than later. So eventually I too will need to seek guardianship thru the State because I cannot physically care for him. No family members are in the position to care for him either.

Son needs to be moved into a group home ASAP. This whole situation with him has gotten out of control.

Both JoAnn's and SP's answers to you are so very good, in my humble opinion. I think everyone here makes such valid and good points, and ultimately I agree that the only answer here is placement. I would add that I would seriously consider guardianship of the state for your boy now. I think you can no longer help him.

You ask, as a trained professional, what you can do. I just cannot imagine that we can in any way help. Or how anyone can. You mention your boy being 27 but with the mentation of a 9 year old. But this is not the mind of just any 9 year old. The abuse of animals is a marker. I know you know that.

My daughter works daily in schools as an aid, helping to care for youngsters who are basically unable to function mentally at any level. She loves them so much, but caring for them has resulted in more than one actual physical injury to her, and to others. And what their own future, and the future for their parents might be I cannot imagine. Right now she is a well paid baby sitter.

I wish I had an answer to mental illness/deficits. And to what can happen in our oversight system when a child or impaired adult is "believed" beyond all evidence to the contrary. If the McMartin School case taught us nothing, then I guess it taught us nothing, but the fact is any suspicions and accusations MUST be investigated, and I would not want to be in the position of the investigators, either. We have seen social workers pass off foster families which have abused children and the result has been that some children have died as a result.

All this is to say I have no answer. None. Zero. For myself, unable to control a 27 year old strong young man in any way, unable to be believed, I would ask that my son be made a ward of the state, and would allow the State to deal with him and his placement where I cannot. I would not know what else to do. If you are to lose licensure and the ability to do your job you will be, in any case, too destitute to care for your boy.

This is a dreadful circumstance. You will be the first to know that not everything can be fixed. That some things are without an answer. I hope others have some clue, some advice, some miracle to help. But I don't. I can only tell you that I am so dreadfully sorry. For you, and for your son as well. I believe that placement for your boy is the only solution, and best for all.

It seems inappropriate that an investigator would have such a personal relationship with your son that he would be in touch with him every day and bring gifts to your office for him. Such relationships should be kept professional. My question would be, is your son being groomed by this person for some reason? At the very least, I'd contact the supervisor of the agency that oversees APS.

You may be misinformed - I don't believe you have to accept your son's aggression. I don't believe APS is qualified to tell you son can't be moved to adult foster care because you'd be retaliating. It's not retaliating if you're getting your son the help he needs. That's another thing to bring up with the person who supervises APS.

Also, harming animals isn't okay when son's mad or any other time. This is serious, because what if he crosses the line to hurting a person? Possibly you or your spouse?

You have a lot to deal with, but the first is your own safety. A 27-year-old adult, even one who is disabled and with the capacity of a nine-year-old, should be held accountable for hurting. Law enforcement should be informed because he needs to be on their radar. And that might kick off a round of examinations that could result in help for him and for you.

I'm very sorry about all of this, but you're stuck in a loop with APS, it seems. Time to get other agencies involved.

Also, I'll mention what a lawyer told me about an aggressive person - inform him that if he continues to be aggressive, you'll call the police. And then if he's aggressive again, do it. Take pictures or videos if you can. Good advice.

There is much that boggles my mind about this post.

1. Who told you that son's SSDI can't be used to pay his expenses?

2. As someone else asked, why doesn't SOMEONE have guardianship?

3. Have you reported aggressive and threatening behavior to the police?

4. Have you consulted with a lawyer who specializes in special needs and guardianship?

5. Have you reported the actions of the APS workers to the State oversight board?

6. Have you started eviction proceedings? I think taking THAT action might be the quickest way to force the state to take guardianship.

7. I'm not sure what sort of mental health practice you maintain, but where I am it's "cueing" --giving cues and not "queueing"--meaning to line up. I know I'm quibbling, but your meaning may be getting lost if you used technical jargon with APS and it gets misunderstood.

Your son belongs out of your care. This is not a reflection on you or your abilities to provide a decent and safe home.
If he is as aggressive and violent as you say he is when he's "mad" or doesn't get his own way that he will harm animals or does the aggressive posturing stance with you, then he is too dangerous to live at home. He belongs in a controlled environment where he is not a danger to himself or others. APS needs to find an appropriate facility for him.
It is not the fault of your in-home caregivers if they cannot handle your son or they are poorly trained. They make next to nothing in pay so don't count them being well-trained or trained at all.
You being a professional person yourself with a mental health practice, you should know that care being paid for by the state isn't going to be the best. You would also know that if you are your son's conservator/guardian (clearly he cannot manage himself) then you are the one who administers his disability money. You do not have to provide for him for free. His disability money is meant for his maintenance not to be spending money for him to buy whatever he likes. Who is his conservator?
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years and have had my fair share of clients like your son. No able-bodied client ever took on any aggressive posturing with me that did not result in them being subdued by me in self-defense. There was never a time where I did not have pepper spray on my person while in the home of an able-bodied but aggressive client. I never cared how special a client's needs are, nobody threatens me. Be happy your state aides were willing to take a chance caring for an able-bodied, full grown man who's violent. Not a chance I ever took without guaranteeing my safety first. The safety of you and your spouse has to come first.
You don't worry about APS thinking you're retaliating by not letting your dangerous son remain in your home. It is highly irregular that the APS worker should have such a close relationship with your son. That sounds innappropriate to me and something that should be told to the police. Or this person's supervisor.
When he acts up and starts getting aggressive, you call 911 immediately. Tell the cops what's going on and that you and your husband are in fear for your safety.
They will take him to the hospital and will hold him on a psych evaluation.
Refuse to allow him back into your home. Make APS do their job.
I feel terrible for you because it's heart-breaking that a parent should ever be in such a position with their own child. But your son has to be put into a controlled environment before he hurts someone.

Agree with others here, son needs to be in a facility.

This situation sounds like a nightmare, and possibly unproductive and unhealthy for both parents and child. Child needs instruction from an outside source as it may be at this point his behaviors may be unmalleable in the current situation.

What doesn't make any sense is APS stating you can't use his SSDI for his cost of living (and rent). You absolutely have a right to charge rent and he should be paying his fair share of living expenses. I can guarantee you a portion of his SSDI (most of it) will be taken if he were in a group home (as it should be). Time to tell APS, and you may have to hire an attorney to help with this, that you cannot continue as is anymore and son needs to be placed in a facility.

OMG 😱 what a nightmare you have! I feel so bad for you.You need a good Atty to help you.

First of all, Investigators giving your son gifts is a BiG NO NO! For this act alone, this investigator can be fired. That’s not allowed. It’s bribery. Report him asap.

In addition, why don’t you sue the home care agency that provided this “caregiver” She is untrained. In any event, do you think there are places that your son can live that will provide professional care? Such as a long term care facility. He is an adult even though he is like a child. You were stressed out from caregiving for your son & then when you sought help, got a vulture instead! I hope your situation is resolved. What a nightmare. Hugs 🤗

Link:

https://www.specialneedsalliance.org/special-needs-101/government-benefits/

This is a link to the Special Needs Alliance. It explains a LOT including how to find a lawyer who specializes in this sort of work.

Have you contacted your state bar association for a referral to an attorney (or at least the TYPE of attorney) who would handle this type of case? Those people have destroyed your livelihood and it cannot go unchallenged.

Your right son is an adult male with all the strength that goes with it. I agree that the APS caseworker should not be a friend or be giving gifts. They are countermanding (good word?l what the father has been doing. Children like this need structure.

OP has not come back to answer my questions concerning son's SSD. Father has to be the payee to have control over the money. No, its not automatic because the son is on SSD. Social Security did not require me to be payee for my nephew and I am for his government annuity. If son had this disability before 18, Dad needed to get guardianship. Otherwise the son is considered emancipated. The law says he can make decisions for himself. I have no idea how he got POA if son has the mind of a 9 yr old. Any parent of an 18 year old mentally challenged child has to get guardianship to be able to make decisions for them. I did not have to do this because my nephew is not considered mentally challenged. I was able to get DPOA because he was able to assign me. I keep records of everything I do for him financially wise.

I’m terribly sorry that you are dealing with this. My heart goes out to you. I have empathy for you, but I am also disturbed by some of your posting, such as your son being aggressive and that he harms animals.

I have seen aggression from a neighbor’s son who has special needs. He has severe autism and is nonverbal. He isn’t ever able to be left alone.

I was friends with this woman for many years. Our children grew up together. Her daughter and my daughter were in the same class at school.

She has since moved away and I no longer have a friendship with her. No one in our neighborhood has heard from her since she left.

When she divorced her husband and became a single parent I offered to help her when she needed to run errands.

I would babysit her son. When he was a toddler he was fairly easy to look after. When he hit his latter teen years though, it was a different story.

I am barely over 5ft tall. This young man was well over 6 feet tall and towered over me. He was continuously frustrated and became violent.

He attacked me. It was an horrific experience. He head butted me, grabbed me and left bruises. His strength was absolutely incredible. I couldn’t fight him off. For my own safety I stopped watching him.

So, I do understand how frightening and challenging your situation is.

My friend did apologize for her son’s behavior. I told her that I realized that she was dealing with an extremely difficult and complicated situation but that I would not be sitting with her son anymore.

I also told her that I was very concerned about her. Her ex husband pleaded with her to place their son in a group home. She wouldn’t agree to do so.

He severely attacked my friend over and over. She would hide her bruises from everyone. Or she would tell stories of having an accident so no one would know the truth.

She couldn’t hide the truth from me because I had been attacked by him. He also attacked her 73 year old mother once and he kicked a teacher in his shins at school. The teacher let it slide.

I started doing research to see what I could find out on this type of behavior in order to help her.

I stumbled upon an article that described a young man who was around the same age as my friend’s son. His mother was a Kent State University professor. She was also divorced and was trying to raise her son on her own.

This professor was very similar to my friend. She didn’t want to place her son in a group home even though her ex husband thought it was best.

Her story ended tragically. Her son beat her head on her kitchen floor until she died. She feared that one day this would happen and left a note asking for understanding for her son.

The professor’s name is Trudy Steuernagel. Please read her entire story. You can find it online.

I don’t know how many parents are going through similar situations where a grown son threatens violence but I can’t imagine how terrifying it must be living in fear.

Parents love their children and want the best for them. Even in dangerous situations some parents find it extremely difficult to detach from their circumstances.

I realize that everyone has different circumstances. I’m not accusing your son of being as violent as others.

It’s has to be extremely frustrating to deal with the challenges that you are facing with all that you have going on.

I am so sorry that you have had issues with being reported. Your situation is very complex.

I’m sure that not many people are able to understand what goes on behind the scenes when parents are living in these conditions.

Please protect yourself. Do not allow your son to be near any animals.

I wish you and your family well.

Burnt,

I replied to your comment to a post. I will repeat it in case you didn’t see it because your post was so important and meant so much to me.

I said that I agree with you when you said that he may have the mindset of a nine year old but the strength of a full grown man.

You could not have expressed this any better!

The young man who I helped care for (my friend’s son) had the mental capacity of a young child but the freaking strength of an ox!

I know that my previous post on this thread is a bit long in order to explain what I went through but please read it to understand why I felt that your post is so relevant to this conversation.

I am always suspicious of trolling when the OP does not return. Bye.

I think this is a real post and i hope the OP reads what others have posted and gets son out of their house. They dont deserve to live in fear like this.

I do find it funny though that the person is a professional and APS overlooks that. Who best knows how to handle someone like his son. And no lawyer will take the case? This OP did nothing wrong. Even if his son was not challenged, its my house my rules. Here is an article of what a nine year old can be expected to do

https://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/chores-for-children

This OP asked nothing more of his son than any nine year old.

I really also am surprised that if APS feels OP is so abusive they didn't remove the son.

NHWM thanks for that story. My husbands cousin had Prader-Willi syndrome. The brain does not tell the stomach its full so they eat constantly. Food literally has to be kept under lock and key. They are short and on the cubby side and have mental challenges. They never mature physically. But they can be very strong. B never hurt anyone and his Mom cared for him till the day she died. Then his brother took him in and the wife cared for him until...he got aggressive then he was placed. He was in his 40s by then and Dementia probably had set it.

Caring4family, I am legitimately puzzled. May I ask what kind of mental health license you hold? If you have a masters or doctoral degree in a mental health area (e.g., social work, counseling psychology), you should certainly know the options available to you. You should also know the difference between "queuing" and "cuing"! You should certainly know how to find a lawyer who can handle the case you're describing. And some of your sentences do not make any sense! Are there some parts of the story that you are omitting or exaggerating? I urge you to give us a more coherent explanation of the situation!