My parents have had multiple health issues over the last year and I have been able to help them out because I live close by and am retired. Recently things got worse for my mom and she was diagnosed with Parkinson's and dementia. Since she always did everything around the house, my father was at a complete loss with regard to cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc. They were not eating properly and I wasn't sure my mom was taking her medications. My father wasn't even aware she was having a problem until my brother and I said we needed to take her to the ER because her conversations were very confused. I have been going over every day now to make them meals, clean and help my mother with her PT. Spending as much time as I have been at their house has been an eye-opener as I've heard my father verbally abusing my mother and in her "non-filtered" state now, she has told me some things I didn't know before (she always protected him but no longer does that). I will not allow myself to be treated like he has treated my mom so when he started with swearing and bad behavior yesterday, I told him I wouldn't allow him to treat me that way. He finally asked me to leave which was OK except I am now worried that my mom won't get the care she needs. I am very angry with him and while I recognize he is dealing with a number of issues that are out of his control, I am having a hard time coming up with a way to handle with this. I should mention what started the tirade yesterday - we had agreed that we would talk to an attorney about options available to us if their health continued to decline rapidly. After I set up the appointment, I was telling my father what the attorney would like us to bring to the first visit and he balked at and was difficult about every item. He finally ended up in one of his "explosive anger" episodes. I should also mention that my father does not act like this in public. People in his church think he's wonderful and would be shocked if they knew how he acts at home. To summarize - I really feel that I've been able to help my mom get to a better place with her health and don't want to lose all the hard work she's put into it but I also don't want to be in dealing with my father's behavior as it is puts so much stress on an already stressful situation. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
I'm so glad you are considering talking to someone - I had to and it truly helped. The Elder Services in the town my parents lived in saved my sanity. My parents were receiving services from them so I spoke to different members often regarding problems I was having. This was over the phone, until things got worse and they recommended I come in and talk to one of their counselors. These professionals deal with these circumstances so frequently, and were soooo familiar with the narcissistic parent and gave such helpful advice.
Narcissism is a personality disorder,but that is not an excuse for bad behavior. I learned through research that they know what they are doing and manipulation is their desire. When you are on the receiving end of this; it is difficult to convey to others the verbal abuse as they can be so charming to other people. I'm so sorry you are going through this and my heart goes out to you. My mother is in a facility now, but I still have to deal with the verbal abuse, it never ends, unfortunately. I've developed a thicker skin, but it is not easy.
I was my father's confidante and he was able to vent to me; and protecting him as he was frail was my main concern. This is where the help of Elder Services was vital - they gave me coping skills. Bless you and take care.
If you feel he has always been this way read up on narcissism and verbal abuse. My father verbally abused me most of my life, even up until he died. And you guessed it, I don't miss him at all. However, my mom let him. As long as he was abusing me, she got off the hook. She is also a narcissist and controls all the money.
So take a good look at the past for answers. You can not deal with a narcissist. Maybe outside help is in order. There will be many comments to your question. Many of us have had abusive parents. Good luck
Talk with the pastor @ his church and ask for divine intervention. Share, in detail if you have to, about those fits of anger and the verbal abuse your mother has to endure. ... Who knows? Your father might be "muse" in the pastor's Sunday sermon. And maybe knowing that God is watching will help him tone it down a little.
Despite the fear & confusion that trigger his anger, it's time to awaken those dormant cooking skills of his. One way or another he's going to have to become a little more self-reliant.