It is with heavy heart to say my husband passed away on Thursday with his struggle with dementia. I was his caregiver for 3 years. Around the clock care even getting to the cleaning up the poop stage (something I thought I never could do) He got an IUT and medicine that didn't help, so hospice came in the last 2 days day and night. My daughter told me I needed to give him the medicine and the boost so he would get better. I was told not to give him anything if he choked. And he was choking on water. So there he lay in the bed and a nurse came in and my daughter lunged at me and said "she is trying to kill my dad"...I was horrified. I was with this man 60 years. I loved him. Nurse told her he would choke, but she wouldn't listen. They say hearing is the last to go...Did he hear her...what did he think if he did? I was the only one he really cared about, I was always first for him. That memory of him in that bed and her attacking me made a beautiful passing a nightmare. The nurse said they would have to report it, and then after that they sent 2 nurses instead of one because of her behavior. They said if she did it again they are obliged to call police. She ruined the last few hours of his death, I am struggling to forgive her, I don't see it happening anytime soon.
I am so sorry for you that your daughter behaved that way during her dad's final hours. I think you need to leave her be and focus on healing yourself from this tremendous loss. She will have to do the same. I hope she comes around and realizes how wrong she was in doing and saying what she did. She owes you an apology.
You also do not have to allow her to treat you badly. I think you have every right to be firm with her if she does verbally attack you again and quickly end the conversation with a firm "You will not speak to me like that!" and hang up.
Forgiveness is something you do for yourself and not for her. Holding onto anger will not help you. It can be hard - and waves of emotions will pull you back and forth - but time will most likely heal this rift.
May your husband's memory be a blessing to you.
You can forgive your daughter that she was not in her right mind. But, she owes you a big apology. I would not be the first to apologize. You say nothing about her being there to help or see her fathers decline. Hospice offers grief counceling. Ask if ur daughter can take advantage of it. If so, have them send her a letter telling her what they offer for families.
If his dementia was as advanced as you're saying and he was at the point where he couldn't even take a drink of water without choking, then don't worry about what your daughter said. Even if he heard her, he didn't understand and certainly would not remember.
If I may ask a question. Was your daughter also your husband's child or someone else's? You say you're the only one he really cared about and that you were first in his life before others.
What a terrible and selfish thing to say and I certainly hope you don't say this to your daughter. I ask this because if you loved your man so very much for 60 years, it seems strange that you would be in such competition with her over his love and affection. At this time mothers and daughters normally would be mourning together and trying to comfort each other. Though I think you very likely do and probably have throughout her whole life.
Is it possible for you to understand that you're not the only person who lost someone? Your daughter lost her father. It isn't just about you. As for your daughter "attacking" you. Did anyone like the hospice people or even your yourself think to take a few minutes and explain to your daughter what was going on and what her father's wishes were? I'm thinking probably not.
Your husband is gone and your daughter's father is also gone. Maybe now would be a good time for both of you to put your BS aside if possible and help each other grieve and heal.
Even IF your husband heard your daughter, I am sure, were he able to speak his mind, he would tell you he knows you took care of him, you loved him and wanted what was best for him. I will even say that your daughter also loved her dad and wanted what was best for him - but I agree with NYDIL that she owes you an apology - a BIG one - because grieving or not, those comments were completely uncalled for. And her near-violence is even more beyond the pale!
I can understand how you feel about forgiveness not happening soon - and that doesn't make you a bad mom. You are also deep into the grieving process - and have been there for some time, I imagine - and you need time to adjust to your new normal now that your beloved husband has passed. Please don't give short-shrift to your feelings; don't allow your daughter to make this all about HER and her feelings! Not that I am advocating holding onto this anger forever - I agree that that would not be healthy for you - but people have this habit of jumping on those of us who are legitimately angry at a loved one, telling us we should "forgive" long before we are ready too, or even should. In my own experience, sometimes giving the appearance of forgiveness too soon leads to festering feelings of resentment, and that's not healthy, either!
Your daughter needs to learn that words mean something, and she needs to learn to think before she speaks! Her accusation was utterly horrible - it wasn't a passing comment, made unthoughtfully, it was absolutely an accusation - and if you feel it is necessary for your own mental health to call her on her behavior, then by all means, you have that right.
I wish you peace as you grieve. (((hugs)))
When my daddy passed, all of us were there and one sister (of 5 siblings) was really, really struggling with what was happening. Dad had a DNR and was not receiving anything but what tiny sips of water or gatorade he could swallow. Earlier in the week YB (who is an EMT) gave him one liter of saline--just so he would not pass on Christmas Day. Sis wanted round the clock fluids and tube feeding. Her opinion was quietly dismissed.
Well, she didn't get what 'she' wanted, but dad had peace. We made sure she wasn't in the room if she got hysterical.
I truly think dad was hovering between the two worlds--this one and the better one we all hope for.
Time will heal this. Don't bring it up. Your daughter will come to terms, eventually over what she perceives as 'terrible care'.
YOU know you did the right thing.
Life is funny--your daughter will come to accept this and as she has more life experiences, her attitudes will change. Forgive her--for loving her dad so much she felt compelled to attack you--completely out of order and very thoughtless--but in the moment--I'm sure she felt impotent and scared.
Your husband understands EVERYTHING now, how you felt & what you did when he was dying, how his poor daughter felt and how hysterical she was, all of it. No worries. The whole situation he is able to see with perfect clarity now, through his soul's eyes.
My condolences to both you and your daughter on your loss.
I definitely feel for your poor daughter in her misguided grief, but you right now are my first concern.
Here is my opinion as a nurse, and the way things have been explained to me by patients in the dreamlike deep sleep of Hospice medications, and of not enough 02 to the brain: First of all, most couldn't care less about family at the bedside which often causes family grief; they are in another state that some describe as dreamlike, seeing sometimes people who passed already. Some describe it as being a child and sleeping in the back of a care hearing the murmurings of their parents in the front seat, that kind of comfort, but not really hearing details, or like a TV or play in the background while they are in another realm. That would be what I suspect was the case for your husband. The truth is that he can never know. But if he DID I suspect he KNEW his daughter already, and would be thinking "Giiiirrrrrllllllll, what ARE you up to". Often people told me they tried to rouse themselves to comfort family but just could not. Just didn't have really the wherewithall to do it, and would sink back into the comfort of their almost drugged state. In some cases they ARE receiving drugs. Often, however, they are not, and describe it as just "good drugs".
So that's my guess on it as an old retired RN. You can't know. Try to forgive her. And do not listen to her rantings. If she brings them to you then tell her that you are sorry, but she must grow up, and that means taking care of herself; that she should seek help with the grief she is feeling, that you understand, but now YOU are the one who needs help, and you can't fix everything for her anymore.
I am so sorry for your loss. I would bet you did GOOD. I would bet your hubby would want to tell you that you did just GREAT!