I live and work abroad several months a year, this I have been doing for 20 years so its nothing new. My father lives on his own ( has done so for years) I work full time, I am 5 hours behind him. He calls me at all sorts of times but mostly when I am at work, he has nothing much to say. He is becoming very forgetful and does not seem to remember when he last called me, that is not a problem I get that and most of the time I take the time to speak with him etc. However some times it is not convenient to talk for example I am on a conference call etc. I cant ignore his call in case it is an emergency, however when he does call and I tell him "sorry dad I cant talk at the moment I am at work on a conference call" for example he gets really nasty with me, tries to guilt trip me, "ok then if you haven't got time then I will call back when its more convenient" all said in a sarcastic voice. It really upsets me, how can I tell him so he understands. I think he has a lot of issues because he has always been so independent and in charge now he is loosing that he is getting nasty.
No one can "guilt trip" you. You can only do that to/for yourself. When you tend toward wanting to label yourself try to switch it out for a better G-word which is grief. Because guilt infers CAUSATION.
In order to earn the label of guilt you have to have purposely caused something and purposely refused to put it right. That doesn't pertain here, so guilt is off the table.
Grief realizes that this is a sad part of the aging process.
Time to turn off the phone during working hours. In my day, who had one at work? Now we are slaves to them. Let Dad know that you will speak with him BRIEFLY once in the a.m. and once in the p.m., and that the happier and more cheerful he is, the longer you will stay "on the line.
This will be more difficult now that you have a time change, but no one is happier than I that you are across the pond from dad for a few months.
I know you fully understand that enabling dad by allowing this to go on has been a poor way to handle this; moreover it hasn't made Dad any happier. So time for a change (if you are willing).
You can tell Dad "Hon, for a while now we have been doing this call thing, and it isn't working now for me at work, so will have to change". Then tell him how it will be, what times will work. Allow him his anger and upset. These things don't kill.
The whole emergency thing should be set to the side, because realistically, Suky, there's nothing you can DO about an emergency from a world away, is there?
So dad will need to have emergency numbers. Dad is Dad. He is an elder, and set in his ways, and unlikely to change. He's suffering more losses; is more scared; and you may be scared of that, as well.
YOU still can change, if you choose to do so. The solutions here aren't rocket science or I wouldn't have been able to come up with them. They are fairly simple, but they will take perseverance and a kind of "training" given the time that's elapsed. And you will have to be able to be strong enough to sustain his unhappiness and criticism; I bet you ARE strong enough!
I am uncertain where to go with addition of "he is becoming very forgetful".
Don't know your father, his condition, his mental status, whether or not he has dementia, whether or not he lives alone, whether or not he has any support, etc. But I do know this isn't something you can address from a world away. When you are back home an assessment with MD and neuro-psyc eval may be a good place to start to gage just where you are at.
I sure do wish you luck and hope you will update us.
I'm sure Dad does not understand the time difference.
Who can check on dad in person? It sounds like he's suffering from dementia now and shouldn't be living alone any longer.
If this is beyond your ability to set as a boundary then only answer during your lunch break and tell him that you will not be answering otherwise during your work day.
Guilt is a self-imposed emotion you are doing this to you, he is not. Iyt is all about setting your boundaries and sticking to them.
I also agree that it sounds like he is struggling cognitively and now needs daily help. Maybe when you are back from abroad you can carve out time to be with him and work on a solution because he's only going to get worse.
He needs to get his legal ducks in a row. This means assigning a willing, capable and local PoA. Not much you can do if you're abroad and he needs PoA to manage or make decisions on his behalf. He needs to go to an elder law attorney before his cognitive and memory issues prevent him from creating these legal protections. A person with no PoA will eventually need a legal guardian, either acquired by family ($$$) or a third-party guardian assigned by the courts.
Then, your Dad needs to be taken to his primary care physician for a full physical and cognitive/memory test. The PoA authority is only active when a medical diagnosis is given by a doctor. But he also needs a physical to discount any other health issues that can create dementia-like symptoms.
If you don't want to shut your phone off, at least shut the volume off.
There may not be a way to get him to understand that.
People the age of your dad's, brains are dieing , even if there is no dementia . Many get very entitled to there children's lives.
Start putting down boundaries, now and stick to them.
There should be no guilt here, you did nothing wrong, you can't be there for your dad to call 24/7 and have a life.
Best of luck!
If so, don’t answer if he calls at any other time and try to beat him to the punch once in awhile and you call him so he feels like you care about him. Could be he’s feeling insecure with you so far away. Could also be that he’s failing a little bit and feels his power over you, and other things in his life, slipping away…Dads can be weird like that. Whatever the reason, you’re establishing an unnecessarily toxic pattern that’s going to be harder to break the longer it continues.
It may take some time but once he gets comfortable with a pre-arranged call time, when he calls outside of that you will know it’s an emergency.
If you are your Dad's daughter and your Dad is in his 90's, it may be generational mind-set, such as Dad thinks you should be at home, that you shouldn't be working. Thus the reason for his attitude.
I remember back when my Dad asked me to retire from my career, so I could spend more time helping him and Mom (both in their 90's) around their house. I asked Dad if he had retired to take care of his parents or Mom's parents. He didn't. Dad never asked me again.
Here's an idea, get Dad a second clock that he can keep by his phone, this second clock will be set for your time zone. There are clocks that can be personalized with your city/country name. Also get another clock personalized with "United States" so he won't get mixed up on his own time zone.
So nothing new.. for you.
But I suspect things have changed for your Dad.
Aging can bring unwelcome changes eg to short term memory.
This can appear as, calling more often, forgetting when last called, forgetting what time it is (especially time differences). Feeling anxious without knowing why, who can help me?
My Grandmother started to call more frequently. Often stating I don't know what to do now. We noticed a drop in short term memory, which affects planning. TIAs were diagnosed about this time I believe. Living in assisted living was required by then.
I second a good medical workup.
Dad moving to a supervised environment may be needed.
And you have been called in with a warning?
turn your phone to message during those hours as you’re not allowed to take calls and if you’re worried check voicemail at lunchtime/evening
apart from anything v you need sone sanity me time
if your father so t be reasonable switch the phone off or press message to voicemail and check later
bjame it in work rules out if yr control it will save any arguments
good luck
Again, good luck to our OP.
He was talking really loud, and I heard a lot of F bombs. She got off the phone and we both giggled, and she apologized.
So you are definitely not alone.
Does your father have local people to help him and who could step up in an emergency and handle it if necessary?
If he doesn't have this, he needs it.
The rude sarcasm and snarkiness isn't the real problem here. You can always block a number or hang up on him when he starts.
Unfortunately, he will not be around much longer. He is running out of time to spend with you, and he may know it. If you truly love your dad, make time for him before it is too late. If he was there for you when you were young, you should return the favor and be there for him. Just saying.
A lonely or struggly elder needs more than a 'listening post'.
By encouraging the OP to take more calls could directly stop OTHER help (local help) from being found & used.
Think more. Guilt less please.
Tell your father you aren’t allowed to take personal calls during work hours , nor can you have your phone at your desk. Let Dad leave messages and call him back later.
You can’t do anything living so far away .
Does anyone close by check on him ?
What is hard for dad and all of us is the fact that dad now has nothing better to do except listen to the clock tick. Which is a very lonely feeling sowe at the time feel that no one cares which of course isn't true for us but not for them. The best advice I can give is BREATHE just know you are doing the best you can. Try not to take offense to his comments (which isn't easy) chances are he won't remember them and nor should you. Take care your a good daughter don't forget that.
How old is he?
What kind of physical & mental health is he in?
Learning how to fly remote control airplanes is a lot of fun and good comradery.
Call him when it is convenient for you. Make sure he isn't the only one initiating contact. It's very important to him to know you are thinking of him.
It really affected my mental health because I would fret that he was mad at me. It took me a while to stop caring about his tone and sarcastic responses. When I did, I felt better and able to ignore his whining, as well as more able to manage his unreasonable expectations.
He has learned that I'm no longer going to drop everything. My phone is on silent when I am teaching, and I won't necessarily check it during my break (which is usually spent working). Unfortunately, I do forget to turn it back on until late, but I'm trying to remember!
Stop being at your dad's beck and call. For your own sake.
However, it sounds as if he doesn't understand that he can't disturb you for any reason, so it could be that he has some kind of cognitive decline. I would persuade him to get a check up next time you are back home.