My father's decline was slow at first and then began to slide quickly due to several falls and lack of motivation to do the work to get better. No choice and was told he had to leave independent living. His memory issues play tricks on him as he thinks nothing is wrong and he doesn't belong in ALF. He calls (VMs as I don't answer) and texts constantly stating that I don't care and he wants out (and go back to "the other place"). Having a rational conversation about current situation is impossible and if attempted leads to yelling, name calling, accusations and requests to "never come back", until the next day when it repeats.
I am all he has. I want to visit him. Bring him toiletries, snacks, pictures, etc. but I am torn between restarting a cycle of anger that bleeds on to the caring ALF staff and just staying away. I just feel sad for him as a human, but he's so mean and hateful when he can't get what he wants. And if he can't get it, then you are useless to him. I've always heard him talk about others this way in my lifetime, but never on the receiving end until the last 2 years. How do I handle this day to day and get visits in. I try distraction conversation and take longer breaks between visits (up to 3 weeks now, down from weekly). I just fear my visits (or any contact) is a trigger, but want to be there for him as well. Torn and tormented. Sigh...
You can relieve some of the pressure by making up little parcels for him and leaving them with the staff, perhaps.
The anger is very difficult. He IS angry, so that no matter what techniques you use, once he remembers he's angry he's going to express it. I don't think it benefits anyone, not you nor him nor the staff, to risk the triggers.
You're happy with how he's doing there otherwise, yes?
Look. You ARE there for him. Here you are, caring away on this forum, worrying about him, wishing for his good. It isn't your fault that direct contact with him, at least for now, is just not working.
Unless you get better ideas and advice, I think if I were you I'd just wait and hope that this extreme mood will burn itself out. Are you getting input from psych specialists?
If you do visit, I'd practice scenarios of how things will go. So, have planned topics to discuss, quick responses on hand and do not let him steer the conversation. If he shouts an order, you respond, "Why not try these awesome new jelly beans we brought?" If he makes demands, you say, "Do you want to go for a stroll through the courtyard? It's a nice day." I'd learn how to deflect and redirect. It might seem disrespectful, but, its for their own benefit.
If he won't comply, then, I'd leave abruptly with a smile. And, if he upsets you a lot, then, I would just call or send cards and care packages. Don't be so hard on yourself. No one deserves that kind of verbal insults. Also, I would give up on any more rational conversations. With the dementia the brain really robs the patient of that.
His talking about how important a person he is, and how essential it is that everybody should recognise this and return him at once to his former status: as long as it's just talk, it's probably best and safest simply to go along with it while doing nothing. Yes, absolutely, you're completely right, we'll have to find out what we do about it, blah blah blah. Reprise.
Don't argue, don't contradict, don't try to persuade. You cannot change his mind, which is sad, because he can't accept his position if he doesn't understand it; but on the other hand you don't need to change his mind to achieve the aim, which is to have him safe and comfortable in an appropriate care setting. Which you've already done.
I think you should stay away if it helps you. I'm not sure it will make any difference to him, or to his responses to you; I don't think anything you do that relies on his connecting cause and effect will work, because he can't follow that kind of rational process (and never was inclined to even when he could, unless it suited him). But that's fine. He is fine, or at least as fine as he is going to be. You are confident that his care is very good. Isn't that quite a lot to have accomplished?
You're not still wishing for the kind of father who respects your opinion and appreciates all you do for him, are you?
Leaving packages for him instead of visiting him is a great idea. Perhaps put a short and loving note in there for him to read.
Bragging rights are important to those living in independent living, assisted living, and even memory care. Showing off cards or family pictures that you send to him may help him feel important. It's also a great conversation starter for the staff.
Talk with his psych doc, See if he can't be given something to help ratchet down the anger and anxiety.
And visit as often/little as you feel you can handle it.