Recently moved in with my parents primarily to take care of my mom after surgery and diagnosis of clinical depression and dementia.Shes 87, he’s 92. My background is in the medical field so I felt confident becoming moms caretaker.Dad has no respect or gratitude for me. He is extremely insensitive to Moms medical conditions and limitations.currently I can’t take more than an hour or two away from the house once or twice a week because they do not want any more people coming into the home. ( home health nurse, PT , OT are coming)My brother (who lives around the corner) refuses to help by giving me any kind of break because he told them I am only staying with them to access and then steal all their money! When he does stop by he ignores me. When I have spoken to him he yelled at me saying I DONT CARE WHAT YOU THINK!!! Occasionally he will go to a doctor appointment and it causes so much anxiety for me! I have had a lot of therapy because I made bad choices in relationships so it’s like PTSD trying to deal with men ( father and brother) who have no respect for me! I have a dog that I can walk in the yard( I carry a call button) I have a pickle ball trainer so I can play in the driveway (while carrying the call button) I know my mom appreciates me and I know this is what I really want to do-so I’m disappointed in myself for letting my father and brother have any power over my happiness!!! I just don’t want to have these meltdowns when I see my brother. And I don’t want to be irritated with my father who has his own issues and isn’t going to change.Any advice on how to remain positive is appreciated
Respectfully, you should seek the help of a therapist. You need boundaries to protect yourself, and a life away from manipulators and disrespectors. Your Mom chooses to stay in it, but you have a choice to get out of it. The only advice I can give you to ensure anything positive is to move out and stop talking to your brother in particular. Let all their calls go to voicemail. And block your brother.
You do have power, so use it. It will be hard for a while but then it will get much better. We don't get to choose our family members but we do get to choose whether they have power over us or not. Get away from them before it's too late. They have other care options, it's just not going to be you. And you must also accept this as a solution, no matter how much they lie and horrible-ize it to you. You are NOT their solution anymore.
Go to a friend or relative's house to couch surf until you can find a real job and get on your feet. Arrange for aids to come in (once, then after that your Dad or brother can pick that up but don't be surprised if they don't) or call APS and report them as vulnerable adults.
The longer you stay in that sick situation, the sicker you become. Who cares what anyone thinks about you leaving? It's to save your own life. If any critics don't like it then they can do it themselves and experience the destruction.
Even if you were hoping to at least inherit the house in exchange for giving up your life to their care, the more likely outcome is that one or both of them will require the house to be sold in order to pay for facility placement once their care needs are overwhelming. Or, they go into LTC and need Medicaid to pay for it. Then Medicaid puts a lien on the house that any new owner needs to pay before getting it. Chances are you, like many other shocked and desperate posters on this forum, will find out the hard way (and way too late) that you were left with literally less than nothing when your parents pass.
So, get out this week and don't look back.
1. Get a care contract from your parents that is done by an elder law attorney and that delineates your duties and your recompense. We often see these things work out with the elder in care and the caregiver homeless.
2. Get a good therapist. None of that online nonsense where they don't get paid and are worth less than that. A good COGNITIVE therapist, who isn't interested in your childhood toilet training, but IS interested in your life choices and how to work to make them better and the path easier.
I otherwise can but wish you good luck. As far as brother, I think that his making the choice not to caregive is valid; as far as argument with him, just remember that it always takes TWO to argue. If he goads you just smile and wish him a better day. You will not change him, and it is needless wasting of energy to try to do so.
Remember, sacrificing your own life to care for your parents is a choice. But you must put self care and protection first, knowing what can come of your decision not to have your own job, your own life, and your own housing. You must give thought to the future and your goals and plans for your own life.
Call APS and tell them what is going on, and that Mom is a vulnerable senior.
Dad and brother are horrible examples of "men" and too much for any normal woman to tolerate.
It will always be hard to stay positive under your circumstances.
I recommend DBT therapy.
You might end up reevaluating the whole situation sooner or later. Or you may come to a calmer place for all of you, though of course both your parents will continue to age.
good luck!