My mother in law is 79 but not in great health so about 3 months ago we got her an apartment 15 minutes away so we could help her out and she could be close to my husband and me. I’m pregnant, so she liked the idea of being close to her new grandson. But right before she was supposed to move in to her apartment, she had a mini stroke. Luckily she’s ok, but she can’t drive and she’s doing rehab and cognitively has had a bit of a set back. We had her move in with us temporarily so we could help her more in the early weeks following the stroke and it just about broke me. The pregnancy has not been easy and I’ve been sick a lot. Having my mother in law suddenly in our home has been a difficult adjustment during a challenging time. I work from home and my husband does not so I was left caring for her during the day while pregnant and and trying to juggle work. The stroke made her extremely needy and clingy too so during a time I was hoping to connect with my husband before giving birth and welcoming our son, I felt like I had no space for our marriage. I got to a breaking point with it when the stress started impacting the pregnancy and we spoke with medical professionals who felt confident she could live on her own in her new apartment but with daily monitoring and visits. But here’s where we are today and why my husband and I are struggling to find a solution:
My husband and I both work full time and our baby is due any day now. Although she has an apartment, my husband is stressed out and depressed from trying to juggle work and checking on her and taking her to appointments. I try to help, but with the baby due any day I don’t feel well most days and it’s hard to leave the house. And once the baby comes, our lives will be even more hectic. We’ve realized two things: 1) That her living with us does not work, 2) We mentally and physically cannot keep up with this. In the past, I have had a great and loving relationship with my mother-in-law but this situation has left me with feelings of resentment towards her because it’s been so hard during a time that I myself feel very vulnerable and I really need my husband but he has to be focused on her too—part of it is because she does need some monitoring, but she’s also extremely needy and will cry or go without eating if we don’t stop by often enough since she’s upset that we won’t let her live with us and it feels manipulative. I know that’s selfish of me and I feel guilty for feeling that way. I know she just gets lonely. But I also worry and stress about how in the world we will juggle this and maintain our marriage once the baby comes. The problem is that she has no money or savings or even a home she can sell. Her pension pay for her apartment and we pay for her bills buy her groceries. And although my husband and I support ourselves just fine, we can’t afford to pay a caregiver or afford to pay for assisted living.
We’re currently trying to figure out insurance options and any government programs that could help pay for her care since we know this is not sustainable. But it’s overwhelming and feels like a part-time job just trying to figure it out. What do people do in this scenario? What are options that have worked in having financial assistance with care? Or is financial assistance a lost cause and we just have to find some way to juggle our marriage, work and new baby while also caring for a parent?
But..................
You have now reached a place where almost certainly your MIL needs either placement or other help than you coming in daily. If she gets a pension AND Social Security some help may be doable. There is almost certainly no charitable institution or other help; she cannot afford assisted living which would run her minimally, almost certainly, 5,000 a month, and there is NO WAY you and your husband, both with jobs and family, should pay any of the money you will need. You are now facing down what not having money in old age means. It means this.
I can't see any outcome but speaking your MIL. You can try such places as Visiting Angels, the average several years ago was 30.00 an hour with a minimum of four hour a day three days a week when I checked for my brother. You may find less expensive help but unless recommended it is difficult to vet help.
I wish I had better or more answers as ultimately you are looking at a Nursing Home, your MIL spending down to the allowable amount in your state, and medicaid help to support her the rest of her years. That could easily be 15 years, and those 15 years spent with your small already beset family doesn't seem to me an option at all.
I am truly sorry. This is what so much of American is facing down, to say nothing of other countries. You just became the sandwich generation, looking at all the needs of children and elders, and you in the middle of it all.
I hope you will update us, will ask specific questions we might help with, and hope others have ideas for the long, big overview.
Start now with making certain all POA work is done, well done by a lawyer; that a will is in place. That an advanced directive is done and you speak of end of life wishes, inclusions and exclusions. Continue to speak together honestly, you and your husband, and begin to be honest with Mom about where you are, and the pressures you are feeling. She needs to know the situation, and know it honestly.
(did she go to rehab after the stroke or did you just take her in and care for her? She probably should have done in patient rehab.)
YOU should not be caring for her at this point. (I have to tell you I would be VERY tempted to pack my bags and move into HER apartment.)
It is either time for her to go to her apartment with the help of caregivers.
Check with Area agency on aging and see if she qualifies for any services.
Check with local Senior Center and see if they are aware of anything available.
Is she a Veteran? If so the VA might have some help.
I also just read about a program called RSVP (Retired and Senior Volunteer Program) It is the largest older adult volunteer program in the country. It recruits, trains and places older adult volunteers in service opportunities. Including helping vulnerable adults through home visitation. www.benefits.gov then type "RSVP program" into the search bar.
First babies are such a learning curve--and IF your MIL was helpful and able to be a positive part of this new lifestyle-that would be wonderful.
But it's not that way.
You will essentially have 2 babies and the older one will cause much more havoc.
Since this is your MIL, not your mom, you need DH to step up and lovingly but FIRMLY explain to HIS mother that the living arrangements are not working and you all need to make a change.
I would give over 90% of the CG decisions to hubby---and focus on the baby.
I hope you can get her moved BEFORE that baby comes. Even if everything goes perfectly, you really need to be alone with your son-to bond and also to feel miserable if that happens.
I hope you can move her into that apartment with some outside aid. No, it's not a perfect solution, but you MUST put yourself ahead of MIL.
Trust me, you DO want to regain that good relationship and I'd fear that having her there when you are dealing with a newborn--it might break all of you.
I know that this is a really bad time for you to be dealing with this but, you have to relax, it is effecting the baby.
Your MIL is being manipulative and the best way to get beyond that, ignore it. She will eat when she is hungry. Your husband needs to speak up and tell her that the behavior needs to stop or he won't be coming over as often, then take a break for a couple days and let her think about it.
You will be surprised at what a senior will do to get their own way. If it wasn't so frustrating it would be comical. They are masterful manipulators, they have had decades to perfect the art. Remember this when the drama turns on, it's actually good training for raising kids, they pull these kinds of tantrums too.
If she has nothing, help will be pretty accessible. Call the area on aging Monday and start getting those resources going. Oh, have you checked into board and care homes or senior apartment complex? Have others her age around to encourage her to participate in the day to day would be beneficial for her, however, do not expect to hear from her how much fun it is, it is common for the complaints to continue, just miserable, all while they are having a great time in your absence.
This will be okay, breathe and get ready for your new year delivery, congratulations by the way!