Can’t get myself to go see dying parent. Am I terrible?
Hello, my father has dementia. It has been a long and difficult road. He lives at home with my mom and is under hospice care with a caregiver that is there for him 6 hours per day. He is at the point where he is bedridden. He sleeps most of the day and whispers and whimpers. I confirm he feels no pain with hospice and he just seems dazed. I want him dazed and unaware so he does not realize he is dying. My dads wishes have always been to die at home and to be buried in a National Cemetery... I have made sure he will have both.... however I use to visit my parents every Sunday for the entire day. I did this since I married and left their house. I did it up until quarantine. I havent visited since Feb to be safe... but I am on top of his care daily. I have a young daughter and I’m trying to give her a lot of attention because in the past I was always so busy. I feel some guilt because I may be using quarantine as an excuse to not face my dad during this ending stage. I arrange everything for his care... I send them groceries weekly... I handle everything for them... hospice, bills, caregiver, medication, make sure they have food and water... treats... I have arranged where he will be buried... how it will be handled... but I can’t get myself to visit because I cry and get so depressed that I can’t function... I went through this for the last 10 years with my dad... does my inability to visit now mean I’m weak? Am I terrible? At the very last stage I will be there... but I can’t handle it right now and I've made sure he is taken care of. Am I horrible?
It does no good to speculate, but I must say, I wonder if most of these people have not seen much true suffering or death in their lives.
I'd also like to say that I realize the dying and/or seriously I'll person in a scenario such as this is often hurting, in multiple ways, more than the caregiver. However, that should NEVER be used to discount how the caregiver feels.
I am in a similar situation. My father has dementia, in addition to multiple other ailments, and is now bedridden. It's been a rollercoaster of making some positive strides in recovery, and his baseline falling lower with each low point. He will never recover and will continue to decline. I know this.
Both of my parents have suffered much in their lives. Countless doctor and hospital trips, surgeries, and scares. My sister died when I was 5. I never met my grandfathers, and my grandmothers died when I was still young. My best friend died in my early 30s. I've had other friends and many of my parents' friends die along the way. My mother died in 2018. I've seen a great deal of suffering and death in my 40 years on this planet.
I am my father's POA. While we did have home healthcare providers come to his home 2 or 3 days a week, perhaps an hour each time, to attempt therapy with him, I was his sole family caregiver and helped him until his needs exceeded me. I ran errands, took him to Dr visits, arranged his pills, paid his bills, etc.
He has been to so many medical facilities and is currently immobile in the hospital. I remain extremely involved in decision making and up until recently, I saw him often.
I am currently at a point where it is extremely emotionally difficult to see him. I only want the best for him. I want to be there for him in all ways, but everything has added up. It hurts, and I feel guilty and regretful, but it feels overwhelming. He is my last living close family member, but I am burnt out.
And for those of you who would suggest counseling, I do see a counselor who I feel is helpful and good at her job.
I write all this to demonstrate that not only do we all have and live different life situations, but we all have different capacities for dealing with these situations. Even if there was no background information to go on, don't be so fast to judge how someone "should" act or feel.
@Lookin4hlp, you are NOT weak, you are NOT terrible, and you are NOT horrible. You were doing what you, AS you, could do for him. The fact you even posted and asked questions on this site makes me feel you cared deeply.
I am sorry to read of your loss. Please know that as much as a stranger-on-the-internet's opinion may or may not matter to you, I understand how you must have felt. I truly hope you and your family are coping the best you can. Have a good life.
Basically, will you remember/regret how you handle a problem in 10 minutes? 10 months? 10 years?
I’ve used this strategy myself and come to a decision I knew I could accept.
Good luck to you. It sounds like you have been an amazing daughter and your parents are blessed to have you.
But I think you'll going on being desperately afraid if you don't go and see him, and then after he passes I think you'll have trouble forgiving yourself for not having faced this.
And what about your mother?
Go and have lunch with your mother next Sunday, and if you feel up to it sit with your father for half an hour before and after. You're already tormenting yourself about what's happening to him - actually seeing him should help get the fear back into perspective.
A friend of mine who is in a loss support group, was just taking about how there are many people who had significant regrets in not caring for or visiting there sick and dying parents. This regret typically appears appear a year or two after the parent dies. Now they seek support in dealing with their pain and guilt for not doing the right thing in supporting a parent in their final days.
I have been caring for two dementia parents for over 10 years. Doing everything including frequent visits. My sibling finally visited today and said that it takes the life out of you. I just said that I would like to be visited in my final moments and that I have been caring for and visiting my parents for many years. Then I thanked him/her for coming especially since my parents asks about them frequently. I thanked them again and said that it would be good to visit more frequently.
I always think that I will sleep soundly in how I have managed this. I do feel that my sibling will have regrets in time, which I do not want to see as that is a tough road.
There are no re-dos, so work on being the best person you can be.
We are not put on earth for ourselves, but are placed here for each other. If you are there always for others, then in time of need, someone will be there for you.
Read more: https://www.wisesayings.com/being-there-quotes/#ixzz6uPmiIgms
You are one of the best caregivers ever! ❣️
Illness can be a lonely thing to go through so make sure to at least call them if possible.
again thank you to those who said that I’ve done a lot... and I don’t have to force myself to sit somewhere that would break me down. I never wanted to have him pass without me there... I just didn’t want to sit and cry for several days... I was there as I intended... at the end. I am 46 and never failed my father... I was in-depth and involved in every daily decision and how he was. I knew so much that I could tell you how many diaper changes he needed every single day. I did my part and I believe I did more than most just wasn’t physically there for a few months during this pandemic. If I had fallen into depression... what good could I be now? I couldn’t give him the burial he wanted and I couldn’t raise this little girl right that needs so much attention at this age.
May God grant you grieving mercies and strength during this difficult time.
You did the right thing for your dad, don't let anyone tell you different. Your love for your daughter is his legacy.
Sometimes we do things that are uncomfortable because they're the right thing to do.
This is just food for thought ...
I suggest you spend a little time and
I will say that after my dad died of ALZ I wish I had been with him more prior to dying. I was there a lot but just could not deal with it all the time
If it's too painful to make regular visits now, please talk with the hospice nurse. She or he recognizes the final days of life. Make certain the nurse calls you so you can be with your father when he passes. You will have a sense of closure and no regrets that you weren't with him to hold his hand at the end.
I am not a fan of death bed visits unless they serve some valid purpose, never just to check that box. I prefer to remember people as I knew them in life. I remember my father as the vibrant, active man who loved and protected me well into adulthood, I would not want that memory sullied by a view of him as a gasping shell of his former self. He died suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack so I was spared having to make that choice concerning him. I was there for my Aunt and do not treasure those last days and hours; I treasure the memories of her active life when her essence was strong and she was really herself. I was there because she still knew me and took comfort from my presence, not for any last goodbyes. I arranged for and was with her when she received the Last Rites, so she would know she was not alone. Not for me, for her, because she had no dementia and knew me and cared. What I did for me was take her sister to our favorite cafe and have quiche and a glass of wine--a favorite past-time for the 3 of us. Various other relatives have passed without my presence at their bedside in their final days. I have not regretted it one bit. As I said, I prefer to remember people at their prime, not at their death. They didn't request me and I felt no desire to be there to check some box in other people's minds.
As I said earlier, do what is best for you and don't be overly concerned by what others may think you ought to do. Each person lives and experiences life slightly differently and needs to be free to experience death in their own way as well. Grieve as you must, and shake off any guilt that tries to sneak in on you. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
I appreciate your comment and support. You’re sweet and you made me feel good.
For whatever reason there are those that cannot be by the side of their loved ones as they pass on to the other side. That is just the way they are made. It dos not make them terrible folks.
There are those, like me, that can, and have, been by the side of loved ones as they passed on to the other side.
We both suffer but it does not demean the ones that cannot be there.
After a person dies, it all ends. Graves, gravestones, etc., are of no use. I got my mom cremated and without ceremony--I paid homage to my mom every single moment she was alive, and she died in peace. What a person does for the other while alive is what matters. After death, the rest is just meat--because when they die they are forever gone.
So you let your mom die by herself. She was probably thinking of you. I'm glad your feelings were spared.