My mom is 81 and has ovarian cancer and mild dementia. I am a retired school teacher who also took long-term teaching positions in order to supplement my retirement pension. My supplemental net income was $3000.00 a month. When it became apparent to my 2 siblings and me that mom could no longer live alone, we decided to look for an assisted living facility for her. The price ranges we looked at were between $4,500.00 and $5,000.00 a month and we eventually decided on one that was $5,000.00/month. When it got close to the time for her to move, she made it clear that she did not want to go to an assisted living facility. I decided to give up my job and supplemental income so that she could move in with my husband and me. My mom pays me $3,000.00 a month to make up for the salary that I gave up when I quit my job in order to stay home and care for her. She pays for no utilities or groceries, etc., and yes, she has the money to pay me.
I sometimes feel guilty for taking this money, but at other times feel that it is only fair because that is the amount I gave up plus it is still well below the amount she would have paid the assisted living facility. Is this right and fair? Oh, and my siblings do nothing as far as taking her to chemo (once a week, 60 miles away), various doctors appointments, etc. They have also never offered to give us a "break" by taking mom to their homes for a weekend or even a day. I would also like to add that my husband and I also gave up our privacy and free time. I guess I would just like others' opinions on this because I do feel guilty about it at times, and it causes me much stress.
My sister and her husband took care of his parents and uncle for 10 years. Each had some form of dementia and the men had prostate cancer. Their sister was in a care facility with dementia. Her husband was in poor health. Their only child said he couldn't help care for anyone but his own parents. Do whatever you think is best. BinL's sister said she was too busy with work, kids, horses, etc to help with her parents and uncle. Do what you think is best. So they did what they thought best. To preserve the family farm and future inheritance, they chose to remodel the family homestead, keep the three patients at home and bring in hired help as needed. My sister filled in whenever an aide wouldn't show up. She drove to all appts, paid all the bills, did the record keeping, cooked the meals and cleaned the house. Eventually she became bitter doing all the work for free. She felt cheated out of her life, doing everything for people who really weren't her relatives. She burned out and flipped out!!! She began buying herself gifts out of the pooled care giving money: a huge diamond ring, a new car, etc. By the time it became clear that NH placement was needed they couldn't qualify for Medicaid due to the unexplainable cash gifts. Sis hid all this from her husband & family pretending the care was paid by Medicaid while it really came out of the estate. After the last person died and the estate was probated the ship really hit the sand!!! Sis and BinL were sued for malfeasance and elder exploitation 3 times by the cousin. They have no savings left after the costly legal fees, etc.
You need to protect yourself from burnout. It can cause you to act in ways you wouldn't expect. You need to protect your current savings and continue to save for future expenses. Document everything!!! Get everything in writing!!! Get legal advice now!!! You will be so happy in the coming years to know that you provided the loving care your LO needed while having the security of a legal contract protecting your future. Hugs and prayers for smooth sailing!
Very, very important to have an attorney involved. If you want to tell sibs, I would ask the attorney to draft a letter to sibs about the agreement. Cover your backside so this cannot come back to haunt you. Even with your best efforts, it still may become ugly.
STOP, STOP, STOP feeling guilty about something that is not your fault - you are doing the grunt work - you are doing the day-to-day stuff - instead take your hand & pat yourself on the back - but protect your ass [excuse my French but do it] from later problems with your siblings by having them sign an agreement NOW so that if they don't live up to their part then they can't say much later
i would also hire a part time caretaker so that you and your husband can have a date night or just a walk alone together.
So they say no, I don't think you should be paid, so I don't get paid, do you think this would not create hard feelings? They expect you to pay for the parent on top of giving up your entire life, while they are not impacted in the least.
When siblings will not help to keep a parent at home, they loose the right to have a say in how the parent is cared for and how much that care costs. Greedy people looking for a bigger inheritance is the only reason they would say no pay.
Inheritance should never be expected, most people work hard and save for their old age so they will not be a burden on anyone, not so their relatives (kids included) get a big payday when they die.
I am so sorry that some answers imply that you don't love your mom because you have thought this situation through logically and decided to charge her for the care she is receiving from you and your husband. Love is what you do! She wanted to not go to a facility and you opened your home to her, gave up your life so she could have her wants and needs met. So to all that think this is inappropriate or unloving- jog on.
You have no reason to feel guilty. You are giving her a gift that she would not otherwise receive and would be in an AL and most likely very unhappy.
Do get an attorney to draw up a caregiver agreement, DO NOT show this as a gift, Medicaid would disallow it and you would be on the hook to pay every penny towards her care before she would qualify for assistance.
The absent siblings will have a fit when it comes time to get their inheritance and will dismiss your sacrifice and hard work to keep your mom home and care for her. Get paid for your work. You can not be expected to give up everything and your own livelihood, it is beyond ridiculous that anyone would guilt you for taking care of you and your families financial stability in a situation that calls for and receives such unselfish complete sacrifice of ones own world.
I personally think you deserve to not only get paid but that your mom pays for respite care so you can take care of you. At least 4 weeks annually, I recommend a week every quarter, caregiving 24/7 is exhausting and you must keep yourself healthy to be the best caregiver.
Get an attorney now, get a contract with pay, duties and respite. Rest easy knowing that it is fair and appropriate for you to do such. You should also consider paying yourself more, 24/7 care and all that includes, meals, med management, housekeeping etc with transportation in your vehicle is more valuable than 3,000.00 a month. Don't believe the lie that what you are giving is not invaluable.
Hugs 2 u for loving your mom enough to open your home to her and sacrificing your own life to give her what she wants and meeting all of her needs without assistance from siblings.
You deserve to be paid and you deserve a medal for your sacrifice.
"We would RATHER pay you than a stranger" etc. "We would rather pay you than the ridiculous cost of these facilities" and so on
I was one of these people who in the first 4 yeas of care thought I could take it on and not be paid- I felt guilty too- taking on money for my own parents...etc. ? I was scared there wouldn't be enough for when they finally needed a nursing home if I took a salary.
The reality of this thinking is a whole set of problems. You can end up not only sacrificing your own health and risking future poverty. As a result in doing this myself, I have no car, no frills, no cable, no smart phone etc. no savings and so on.
Now, compare the costs of some of these places that would be alternative to what you are providing your parent. Caretakers make between $16 and $24 an hour in my State. And depending on the level of care your mother needs, it can get pretty pricey for skilled nursing. Here it can top 10 thousand a month.
If I pay myself a frugal 2000 a month thats 500 a week for 24/7 care and comes to a whopping $2.96 an hour. Don't forget the sleepless nights, the constant sacrifice and oh!! the sibling who refuses to help will be expecting some inheritance money that you helped save for them while they avoided contributing to care.
Contact a lawyer if you can. A salary is NOT out of the question.
Caring for an aging parent is a whole different thing than caring for children whom We brought into the world and decided to raise.
Respectfully disagree with your answer. In a perfect world we all could afford to lose income and paying into social security -
Additionally, although your siblings have basically washed their hands of any care or help for you, as many have noted in other threads, they may, probably WILL, have their hands out when mom passes for anything that is left! In that case, they *could* contest the funds that you are getting now, UNLESS you get a legal contract covering the payments - hopefully mom can pass muster with the Elder Care Attorney to sign such a contract. Our mom was in the early stages and was deemed competent enough to make the updates to the trust, etc we had set up previously when dad was ill. Don't wait too long!
Personally I have no problem with someone getting paid (especially when the care-giving cuts into one's income AND mom/dad has sufficient assets.) At least one opinion here says you should be doing this out of love for your parent - sure, but if she was able to pay $5,000/month for a facility and you take her in for less, what is the issue? She is getting to stay with family rather than going to a facility. Not only does this impact your income, but it increases your expenses as well. If she can afford it, and clearly she can, she should be contributing - hiring someone OR putting her in a facility will cost MUCH more.
No guilt, just get that contract!!!!!!!
P.S. we did not have anything in the documents about getting paid for anything. I handle everything, and I do mean everything, other than the hands-on care (mom is in MC, there was no way I could care for her and brothers are clueless!) It takes up a lot of my time, and often causes me to cancel things I need to do if some issue comes up, but I get nothing for my time. One brother tells me to take money for myself. I said no, mainly because we need the funds to last, but also because of the potential Medicaid issue, if we ever need to go that route (currently self-paying at a nice MC facility, should be enough to last years!)
Pause and think about that.... Just for a moment if you have thoughts of guilt...... maybe there’s your answer!
I myself could never even think about charging my parent to care for them and my mother is a mean and nasty person me and my sister and we try to help out of love ......
But to each is own!! Every story is different..... but think about this
parents sacrifice so much taken care of us and didnt give us a bill?! At the end of our youth before leaving home.. some even takenon the high cost for college!!
I hope you find resolution!!
Do some research on all the options you may have for care for her while you work...
check out
CareLinx.com
Im putting in 12 hour days which is 84 hours a week plus on call nights which usually means 4 times up for commode chair and oxygen etc. .
If I made minimum wage just for my day hours alone that would be over 672. a week. that comes to roughly 2,690 a month. 3 thousand a month to take care of someone 24/7 under the same roof is extremely reasonable.
Actually it is mostly advantageous for the person receiving the care
I have found that family members who are doing nothing are the first ones to complain about what the actual caregivers are doing. Protect yourself.
There is nothing wrong with being paid to care for your mother. I think family care contracts might reduce resentment among the siblings.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/personal-care-agreements-compensate-family-caregivers-181562.htm
I see NOTHING wrong with what you are doing. But if Medicaid will ever be a concern, then a caregiver contract with proper deductions taken out is a necessity.