So, I need help. I recently brought my brother from our country to help him because food over there is getting really hard to find. Keep in mind he was working, but that is not enough. My brother is hydrocephalic and the right side of his body is much weaker than the left but he still have mobility on the right side. I stoped seed my brother when he was 11 years old he is now 23. I would see him whenever I went back home to visit my family. Now that I have my brother with me, my husband that had never seen my brother in person (just to videocalls) is now telling me that my mother did wrong sending my brother here because I am just 27 and he is going to be a problem. I have no issues helping my brother. I work and he can work too, but even if he can’t work he can get help here and live like a normal person. My husband is telling me if my brother can’t work he wants a divorce because he will not help me with my brother. He is saying that if my brother can’t work he will make choose between my brother or him. Please advise, I am really worried and hurt because I tought that instead of being so radical and saying he will leave me, there would be 100 solutions he would help me find.
I cannot imagine, personally, being made to choose between my brother and my husband. I really cannot advise you, and I am afraid this difficult "Sophie's Choice" (if you saw the film) has to be yours.
Are you proposing to help Brother get situated and then step back and let him live his life or are you proposing to be his caregiver/guardian?
Caregiving strains relationships and takes a toll on a person's work life and productivity. Count the cost: the impact on your marriage, work-life, and health.
If Brother is mentally competent, why not connect him with disability services in your area and let him take care of himself so you can simply be his sister, not his caregiver.
Thank you so much for you reply
What are your short and long plan with regards to helping your brother? What is your brother's plan for supporting himself?
Thank you for your reply.
As an outsider, I think you love your brother a lot. You wanting to help him to have a better life is a noble and selfless thing. It does sound like your brother has marketable skills and training and can eventually be working and support himself. At 23, he is still young. given his mental health condition, he needs more time and support to achieve independence.
Your husband on the other hand doesn't want any part of this. He doesn't want to help your brother or you to help your brother. He only thinks of himself. His marriage to you means very little and it becomes disposable as soon as he feels he has to extend a helping hand. Is this an accurate description of his of character? If so, is this the type of person you want to be married to for the next 50 years or more? Can you count on him to stand by you to face the ups and downs that life will throw at you?
Thank you so much for all your help.
Sounds like your brother is awaiting a US work visa? Maybe consult with an immigration attorney to figure out the realistic timeline. He can be very delayed in getting a work visa. Then, if he isn't a citizen, is he ineligible for any social benefits/support? If he doesn't qualify for welfare or section 8 housing or food stamps or SSDI... this will become a financial problem. You say you will support him, but isn't your money also your husband's and visa versa? It is in my marriage, but I understand not everyone's is the same.
Your husband/marriage is priority over your brother. This doesn't mean you don't love your brother. Put yourself in your husband's shoes if the situation was reversed and he was spending time and resources on his sister then he became 100% financially responsible for her at the possible cost of your future? Life here in the US is getting very expensive, in every state. My son, who has a masonry business, can't get immigrant workers (who in the past have made up a large percentage of that worker base) because they are returning to their home countries due to the cost of living here.
Let us know if you've ever consulted with an immigration attorney so that we have more context for your situation and solutions you've explored.
I kind of think what she means is he can at least EAT here. We here are so spoiled we don't really understand what it's like in other countries where Maslow's Hierarchy of needs is a joke. There is no shelter. There is no food. And you could easily be killed on a whim.
Most immigrant families I know feel a huge obligation to sacrifice to bring their relatives to this county, i.e. living together in crowd quarters until the family can afford a house, then moving in all together until the next couple can afford a house
Most folks who have been here for more than one generation don't see supporting relatives as an obligation.
I understand your husband not wanting you to support your brother if your income is used to pay for the household and for savings for you (and your husbands future plans)
At this point if your brother does not qualify for medical help here, if he can not work legally here the option is you will support him,.
I have to ask....did you discuss this with your husband BEFORE you discussed this with your mother and brother, BEFORE you brought your brother here?
If your husbands response then what it is now you knew how he felt and your disrespected his wishes / feelings.
YOU should have researched solutions and made plans BEFORE your brother came to live with you.
It is also not the responsibility of the American or European (I don't know where you live) taxpayer to provide for the disabled relative you decided to bring over.
The American government was starting to crack down on people bringing relatives to the U.S. then heading straight to the welfare or Social Security office the second they put a foot on American soil. Those days are done in the United States and rightly so.
Your mother should not have put you in such a position by sending your brother for you to be responsible for. You're young and should be making your life with your husband. Not your brother.
Would your husband give him 6 months to find a job and save money for an apartment or something like that?
It’s in your nature to give and help others. Your husband’s nature is only self interest. If it’s good him and his family, he’s ok with it, but if he has to help you and yours, he wants a divorce.
Answer these questions as honestly as you can. It may give you more clarity as to what you should do.
Are you willing to stop helping your brother to stay married? Yes/No?
If yes, how would you feel about yourself?
Will your husband divorce you if you can’t or won’t dump your brother? Yes/No?
If yes, how would you feel being divorced?
If no. it means your husband will stay married. Will he be happy in that marriage? Will you be happy?
When you reach the end of your life and you’re looking back, what would you rather have done?
I don't think it's fair to say the OP's husband only cares about his own interests.
Helping someone so they can help themselves is different than assuming responsibility for them.
The OP should have thought more about bringing her disabled brother to the U.S.
Did she consider if he'd be able to make a living for himself in the U.S.?
Did she discuss any kind of a timeline with her husband about how long the brother would be with them and how long they would be providing for him?
My guess is probably not. I can't blame her husband for giving her the ultimatum of either the brother goes or he does. I'd do the same thing. I did do the same thing.
My first husband's cousin fell on hard times and we agreed to let him stay with us for a couple of months so he could "get back on his feet". He wasn't spending his days looking for a job. No. He spent his days drinking, partying, and hanging out around town.
I told my husband he had a month to get him out or I was leaving. He got him out.
Housing, looks like he can apply. But what I know about HUD is they only take applications once a year and then it limited how many people will receive it. I would think a family would get a house or apt before a single person who has family they can live with.
SSI is what the people try for who have never worked or paid into the system.
I personally know people who never worked a day in the United States nor paid one penny into the system who came to this country and went right on SSI. That came with food stamps assistance, rent assistance, and Medicaid. It's harder for an actual disabled American-born U.S. citizen to get on SSI then it is for a foreigner coming to the U.S.
Your husband is being selfish and has forsaken his vows to you. I'd kick his butt right to the curb if he's that devoid of compassion and empathy. You are clearly trying to do everything right for your brother, while your husband is throwing in the towel at the first hint that he's not going to get his way. Let him. He's showing you exactly the kind of person he is. There is no hierarchy of "who comes first". Husband doesn't always come before sibling.
I do second the notion of reaching out to an immigration attorney, if your finances support it. Otherwise, you may have access to low-cost legal help through the county or state or even a local university.
Best of luck to you and your brother... I hope he finds his way forward.
Even though he may have worked in his home country, in the U.S. there are often requirements for certification of skills. That may include his field of air conditioning tech. In order to get certified so he can work in his field, he may need to take education courses, which could cost you money but not result in a job. One serious problem is that your brother's mental abilities may not be up to the task of learning what he needs to know.
In brother's country, people may be willing to talk a bit slower so that he can understand. In his language, that would be helpful. If his native language isn't English and he expects people to communicate slowly, that is a real problem. Added to his slow learning, he may not be able to become certified and get a job. I can understand your husband's concerns.
Add to that your brother's newness in a different culture. Most of us don't realize what a problem it is to adjust to a new culture. It's more than difficult because it requires ability to adapt, and some never do.
My qualification to comment about all this is that my friend had a hydrocephalic son that I watched growing up from age four. He was "slow" as you describe, but able to learn. Even though he was a US native English-speaking citizen, he never could get the hang of working and had to quit his first jobs of working at a food store and helping at a restaurant. He was then supported totally by his parents until at age 45 he had an accident (not responding quickly enough in traffic while he was riding his bike) and lives in an expensive care home where he will be until he dies. A relative of mine had brain damage; the Army rejected him when he tried to enlist and he spent his life stocking shelves in a drugstore, where he did well. An in-law had brain damage from birth; he got in the Army but they wouldn't keep him because of his "slow" mentality. He could not hold a job and died in a rehab center for treatment of alcoholism.
Also, I helped foreigners get a visa into the US, and they lived in my home for years. I sponsored them for eventual citizenship. They couldn't adjust to our culture and returned to their country and the miserable living conditions. I had an Asian daughter-in-law; she couldn't drive and couldn't get a job for a long time. Fortunately she is intelligent and speaks good English, and she is still here, though her difficulties took a toll on her marriage.
I'm pointing all this out because in order for you to make decisions, you need to take into account all the difficulties you are facing. The US has been good to you, but brother faces a long road ahead with many pitfalls. Brother hasn't paid into Social Security, which provides for citizens with disabilities only after they've paid into the fund through working, and they must work for years before they can draw on it. Free housing is not likely to be available to him. Others like him are homeless on the streets.
I wish you good luck.
My guess is they will try for SSI through Social Security. This is for people who have never worked or who haven't paid into the system long enough.
Then it will be subsidized housing, food stamps, and Medicaid.
Only today it's harder then in past times. People can no longer just arrive here and start collecting anymore.
Since your husband is not here in this country legally I doubt seriously that he will file for a divorce. that would place him in view of the legal system and may result in his deportation.
I am sorry that you are caught in the middle of this.
On one hand, I know that you would like to help your brother. On the other hand, you are married to someone who isn’t eager to help your brother.
It’s a sad situation all around. Your husband sees the writing on the wall if your brother doesn’t land a job. He is trying to prevent problems arising in your lives.
Yet, he allowed you to help his brother. So, what is the difference here? Is the problem due to your brother having a disability?
Was your brother steadily working moving here? Do you feel that he will be fine if he is able to find employment?
The fact that your husband isn’t here legally complicates matters too. Is he planning on becoming a citizen like you have?
Your husband may have threatened divorce in the heat of the moment. The way I see it, he needs you in order to stay in the country, so he might not be so quick to get rid of you.
If I was you I'd admit to all my own mistakes in handling this and see if some solution can be worked out. However, if he's adamant, then you get to make some decisions.
On the practical side, there is a Hydrocephalus Association which could provide information and referrals to care. Peer support may be able to help with finding work and receiving (additional) training.
Call the helpline at (888) 598-3789 or email info@hydroassoc.org for "support, resources, and answers to your questions."
I looked up the I-134A form. Since your H is illegal, did his income not count towards the sponsorship of your brother?
Where is your H in the immigration process? Does he get paid "under the table"? What does he do? Seems as if being illegal, that he's not in much of a position to dictate things to you.
Your brother maybe able to receive Supplimental Security Income (SSI).
"Some noncitizens can get SSI for up to 7 years. If your SSI payments are limited to 7 years because of your particular noncitizen status, we'll send a letter to you telling you when your 7-year period ends. We'll send another letter explaining your rights to appeal before we stop your payments."
I would go to your County Social Services and see what type of help he can receive.
You have two issues.
1. Whether to keep your husband and if you don’t
2. Whether you can keep his brother.
A wise woman said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”. Maya Angelou
None of us are perfect and perhaps you can forgive your husband for taking this stance but be very aware you will always have to deal with this side of his personality and won’t know when it will show up next. He wasn’t lied to. He uses you to tend his family but isn’t willing to do the same for your family. Not the partner you deserve. He will always be a problem for you.
If you thought like your husband, you would send him back to his mother.
During these very hot summer months your brother should be able to find work. As you say, he comes legal and with skills. There are plenty of people who do not think very fast yet are good workers.
It is a deal breaker.
Make other immediate arrangements for your brother. imo.
Is that possible?
Would that make a difference to your husband?