I am the POA for my husband who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 5 years ago. As his sole caregiver, I'm worried at some point if any family members will interfere with my decisions in the event that something happens. My lawyer told me that no one could override the POA. As his spouse, am I responsible for taking care of everything in the event he has to transition to a nursing home or memory care? No one from the family shows much concern for him. It absolutely baffles me. Any input is appreciated.
By giving you power of attorney, your husband chose you to make decisions for him when he is no longer able to. That doesn't mean that nobody else is allowed to express an opinion, however uninformed or misguided or plain annoying their opinion might be; but it does mean that *you* decide, because that is what *he* wanted.
Adult stepchildren, concerned for their parent but not directly involved, can be tricky to manage - is this the issue for you?
"I'm 66 years old I suffer from severe spondolosis.
I also have flare ups of Epstein Barr from time to time.
I am sole caregiver to my husband who was diagnosed
about 5 years ago with Alzheimer's. He is still mobile.
I am noticing changes everyday about him. My day
is never ending until I go to sleep. Then it all begins
again the next day. I am always exhausted."
Does he have kids from a previous relationship? If so, this can get sticky when his ALZ gets worse and the kids suddenly "wake up" and smell the inheritance.
Have you thought about what happens to your husband's care if something happens to you that knocks you out of caregiving? You cannot hope or assume any family or anyone else will step in and even if they do, it will only be temporary because there are 2 of you then needing help. I would work with an estate planner/ elder law attorney and a Medicaid Planner so that you have all your financial ducks in a row and can plan for hiring some help if you feel you need it.
Also, has your husband written a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)? This will be his wishes for his care and no one will be able to question the choices you make on his behalf. I hope he also has a Last Will or Trust? He needs to explain to his kids that his assets go towards his care and then to you after he passes, as is normal, so that they don't have assumptions and are shocked when that time comes (been there).
Taking care of yourself is a priority! Hiring aids is not a failure -- you need regular breaks and refreshment so that you can carry on and preserve your health and wellbeing, both physical and mental. Blessings!
A bit cynical here, but those that do not show much concern now won't be around much or have much interest in taking over or overriding your role.
The only time that happens is when they want money.
Hoping there are no step-children?
I do suggest you get your ducks in a row by seeing an elder attorney. Medicaid allows assets in a marriage to be split. Your husbands split going to his care and when gone, applying for Medicaid at which time you become the Community Spouse. Receiving enough or all of your monthly income to live on. You stay in your home and have a car.
If this is getting too much for you, it may be time to place him.
By law, the spouse is the legal next of kin, this carries lots of authority, add the POA and only a judge can take your authority away. You got all the power right now.
As far as having to deal with everything, yes, it is up to you but, that doesn't mean you have to physically do the work, you can hire help, you can put him in day programs, you can sign up for any help available in your area.
You don't have to do this all alone. Please contact your county counsel on aging and find out what resources are available to you and your husband.
You matter too! You need regular breaks and you need time away from this heavy burden. You need to take care of you lest you become a statistic and your husband has nobody to advocate for him.
Did you guys discuss what the future would look like when he got the diagnosis? I hope so.
Great BIG WARM HUG!
Prepare is my mantra… research and know how finances work down the road . Start looking at memory cares that will take Medicaid after a stipulated time of self pay. Find yourself a placement specialist that is an independent or franchise that lives in the area. That person is paid by the facility. That person will know the area , cost , requirements, openings, your needs …I found a franchise by me called care patrol….in the mean time I would contact your county office of aging, they would have insight for needs of Medicaid etc … you haven’t said anything about finances, but if you think you would eventually need it , I would prepare for that… educate…
Mine might have been a different situation because the lawyer we saw (not an elder care attorney by the way..first mistake) said that he did not think my Husband was competent to make decisions and property that my Husband had prior to our marriage was in his name alone. I eventually had to become my Husbands Guardian. BIG hassle and a PITA!