Dad’s physical health has shown much improvement (medically clear according to doctors). Mental health is okay. For example; months, days, year, time, etc (loss cause). Some days he may forget which way is the bedroom or bathroom and I can say go left or right and he follows along. Or if he is getting back in his transport chair but being nosey at the same time, I can say stop being nosey before you miss the chair and he will refocus. However, I still have to help him when he first stands after setting for a while. He can still clean himself after using the restroom although I like to double-check, he can still bath himself after I get him set up. But meds I make sure he takes and cook, etc.
I have temporary guardianship. The hearing starts again in the middle of February. In the meantime, my family here is pushing for the nursing home or his home like yesterday. I believe my teens, especially our son, would not be so vocal/disrespectful about it if my husband wasn’t so vocal/disrespectful (but that’s another story). My sister who lives in his home claimed at the hearing she wanted him back at home with her but has yet to reach out to me and we are probably a month later. No phone call or text message. I’ve been in contact with her several times trying to get the roof repair done and keeping her informed when the contractor was coming out. Of course, only when something requires me to be in contact.
I’m like go ahead with trying to get him in a nursing home after his last checkup this week. But then the other side of me is saying see if you can have someone go in and check the condition of the home (my sister use to be a hoarder and I doubt that has changed). I doubt she has made his room available and doubt she would be willing to let me or someone of my choosing come in and makes changes without a fight.
If she is unwilling to call me now, 9 times out of 10 she would not be willing to communicate with me if I just go ahead and return dad to his home and have his Medicaid workers come in during the day and evening for a few hours (he currently gets 7 hours a day).
So my heart of heart says this will not work - me putting him back in his home for now while health is good. Remember, he can’t afford memory care without his home being sold and all hell would be unleashed if I tried. Sister has never worked or had her own home or even rented.
My concern is if I go ahead and put him in a nursing home (reluctantly) and she does the cry thing at the hearing as she is known to do to get people on her side, would the judge turn around and say why you put him in a nursing home without consulting with the others? Which I’ve been doing the entire time he has been in our home. Would the judge order me to remove dad from the nursing home? To me, this would be confusing. I feel, he will already be confused once I remove him from our home.
I know if I lose at the hearing (temporary guardian now), I can just walk away but can’t even picture what that looks like. Help me please with your thoughts.
If so, please resettle him into a care facility. If I am understanding what you wrote about your husband, he doesn't want him to move in with you, correct? I agree with this. Your husband and family have priority over your father.
In a good facility he will have more social exposure and hopefully opportunities to be included in activities and events. He will be cared for. It won't be perfect, but then hardly any situation ever is. You will have peace of mind that he is being properly cared for and your husband/family won't be disrespected by being 2nd place.
Regarding selling the home: if he's on Medicaid he won't be forced to sell the home but rather a lien will be put on it that must be satisfied when it is eventually sold. I strongly suggest you consult with an elder law attorney or Medicaid Planner so you understand what the process is and to avoid inter-family transactions that may delay or disqualify him from Medicaid.
I've read on this forum that if the judge witnesses excessive family in-fighting over your father, the judge may decide to grant guardianship to a 3rd party guardian (not a family member). Is there any chance you all can go to a family mediator to work things out before going to the final hearing? As the temp guardian you are not obligated to appease others, just make the best decisions for your dad's sake.
So I started communication with my sister to see about his home and then he was telling the nursing homes no he was not wanting to live there. So now three months has turned into six months. None of us ever agreed to long-term.
I know a bunch of disrespect happening in this family both in regards to dad and other issues that don’t involve dad. But I get what you're saying but I just cannot throw dad out on the street (can’t stay at my home and can’t go to his home without a fight) which is why I went for guardianship.
So if a nursing home is the only option left, then at least now I have papers to make it happen. However, it is still not an easy decision.
He is on Medicaid so I’ll try to consult with another attorney outside of the one I’m using for guardianship. I’ve also read that on the forum about excessive family in-fighting. But I can’t make my siblings change. I’ve been away from them for a year and yet still they like drama. I know how to talk about only what needs to be talked about but they can't without drama.
I don't say 'best' or 'right' as these things are never going to be 100% best or right.
Your home is out as voted 2/3. So that leaves 2 choices: a group aged care facility (with staff) or his private home (run by someone who has a hoarding disorder)
1. Which offers him more safety, more security?
2. Which will meet his social & personal care needs better?
3. Which can better adapt - increase services/support as his needs increase?
More questions, sorry!
Q Dad's wishes:
Does he verbalize or show a strong wish to go home? Or does he seem content wherever he is?
IF he does, you may consider the method of *trial of least resistance*. Eg try home again before forced into placement.
So IF you did this. Said OK, let's give going home with sister another go... How could you measure if this is successful or not? What time-frame would be reasonable as a trial? How would you remove him & relocate to a facility if you need to?
Sometimes I really wish we could sit down for a cuppa ☕. Such big decisions must feel so heavy on your shoulders (((Hugs))).
What answers are bubbling up?
PS if I haven't rattled on too much.. I suspect there is a big dark seething elephant hiding somewhere (with Sister's name tattooed on)... Coz if you choose a facility for Dad, the roof over her head will be sold.. ie her house of cards collapses.
Is THAT something you want to discuss more?
2. Which will meet his social & personal care needs better? Elsewhere.
3. Which can better adapt - increase services/support as his needs increase? Elsewhere
Q Dad's wishes:
Does he verbalize or show a strong wish to go home? Or does he seem content wherever he is? He still verbalizes daily about going home (but part of the reason for that is he says he needs to get back to his wife to keep her from being alone and worried. So then it's like, how will he take not seeing her. But then I started reading about sundowning here and said I wonder if he would still be saying the same thing. But at the same time, I know he knows where home is at times because we have to pass right by his turn when going to his primary and he always says turn around and get agitated saying we not listening to him. He is semi-content here but still vocalizes about home. However, at the other nursing home where he was for four months, he was always in panic mode. As if he was freighted. It was hard to watch. He was not settling.
How could you measure if this is successful or not? I remember how mom care went after I discontinued (I can measure that way) and with dad, it would be the same. I know how he looked when he was just under sister's care with all rights taken where he could not even give permission to the ambulance personnel when he was deathly ill. Communication would be another way for me - I think she would be too hateful in that aspect which made me think of having cameras installed. Then that would probably be mess.
What time-frame would be reasonable as a trial? If I tried this, I only would think 30-days but know it may require longer (90 days) but don't know if I'm willing to try longer than that which still makes it bad for dad.
How would you remove him & relocate to a facility if you need to? It would be a fight unless he went down again especially if in his home. I remember him telling the nursing home personnel, at my home, he was not going anywhere with them.
Yes, I would like to discuss that more. [PS if I haven't rattled on too much.. I suspect there is a big dark seething elephant hiding somewhere (with Sister's name tattooed on)... Coz if you choose a facility for Dad, the roof over her head will be sold.. ie her house of cards collapses.]
But I have to go and get him up again for breakfast! I'll check for responses or additional thoughts later. Like I said, trying to be brave and going ahead with another nursing home try is an option but what if he is like he was before, or what if the judge says to remove him. I don't know if a judge would do such a thing but who knows?
Is your sister able to care for him safely? Does her hoarding pose a safety risk for dad? In an emergency can he safely and quickly get out of the house?
If it is safer for dad to enter Assisted Living where will your sister go? If she can not live in the house if it would be sold to help pay for dad’s care. Is this why she wants him to come home, that she may be homeless?
Always look ahead if possible and think safety as a priority
Sometimes it is is better to let the court appoint an attorney or experienced guardian for your dad's decision making. This person will be able to cut through some of the challenges in getting the situation sorted out, including financial and legal steps related to use of your dad's resources for his needs.
A small family care home might be a good fit. Sounds like having your dad stay with your family is not a good plan, and will. only add to the stress of everyone in your household.