My mother recently went into an assisted living community about four months ago. My sister and I are her POAs. For the last year, I was the primary person taking care of my mom and her finances, until she decided she wanted to go into an assisted living facility. My sister took care of my parents for many years while I worked. I retired two years ago. My sister has many health issues and her husband has Parkinson's. While she was dealing with health issues I took over caring for mom, including completing applications and touring nursing homes, making meals for her, washing her hair, cleaning, etc. I handled all the details and also signed as the person responsible for my mom as the home contact for the facility. Now, my sister is recovered from her recent eye surgery and is now trying to takeover. I told her that the home wants to work with one person and I signed as that person. My sister's doctor told her she needs to step back and let others handle things because stress in causing a lot of her issues. But she wont. She is scheduled for another eye surgery in six months and will be out of commission again for months. So, it makes sense to me that I continue to be the family contact for mom. My husband and I do travel. The nurses asked me whom they should work with (in front of my sister). I informed the staff to contact me with routine questions or information, but in case of an real emergency contact my sister, then me if I'm traveling. My sister is now mad and won't talk to me. I recently returned from a three week trip and the nurses told me they were glad I was back. They insinuated that my sister wasdrivinf them crazy and would just show up behind them constantly. My sister even took my mom to urgent care for dry skin on her ear! Instead of just informing the nurses. I got an email with the after care summary. When I emailed my sister if she took my to urgent care for dry skin, she emailed back in big letters, "How did you find out?" I replied back, why didn't you want me to know? I am mom's responsible contact. I know everything. She wouldn't reply back. I realize it must be hard for her to not worry about mom after doing it for all those years, but she is in a care facility now and it should be less stressful for us now and just enjoy visiting. I'm not saying my sister can't be concerned about my mom. I just think she should express her concerns to me and I will talk to the nurses as the responsible person for my mom. None of the issues my sister worries about are life threatening or neglect issues. My mom is diabetic. Her blood sugar has been high and she was complaining about the nurses but they were just doing what the doctor said to do. But yet my sister takes mom out to Sweet Frog (an ice cream store). Am I wrong in my thinking? How should I handle this with my sister?
Your sister will not change. If you want things to be different, you'll have to be the one to change.
When I first became a family caregiver, the social worker at the rehab asked me about my life - what I liked to do, how I spent my days, where I liked to go, my career. Then she said, "You can forget about all that. You're a caregiver now."
Your life will not be as it has been, no matter what you do. The conflict with sister is part of that. Your former travel habits may not be sustainable. You spend a lot of time thinking about mom, only mom, her health, what sister is up to, etc. etc. That will probably be the case until mom passes away.
Yup, it's pretty bleak!
Nothing she’s done sounds all that out of bounds and if you are both POAs then she has the right to do the things you mentioned. It would be very hard to not have a say after years of caregiving.
I do understand it would make the care staff’s job harder and it is usual to only have one point of contact but why not give sister a chance to see that the care is good and mom is settling in. Yes, I agree it would be nice if she could just relax regarding moms care but it truly isn’t that easy to let go even when you need to.
To me it does sound a bit like a power struggle. Personally, I would look at mom. She will be happier if her daughters get along and don’t bicker. Caring for mom might be the only thing going “right” for sis these days. I would ask the facility to give sis a chance to get comfortable with this new order.
This is almost always the result of that.
No two people agree, and what is needed is one person in charge.
I would have an honest sit down with sister, and with both hubbies (hopefully as mediators).
I would begin by explaining what you have explained to us (leaving out complaints about sister's handling if you are able. But simply that you have done the care you have done.
I would say the following:
1. It is a shame that mom put you both equally in charge because that almost never works. One person must be in charge and make the decisions. That can either be sister or yourself, but not both.
2. I would explain that due to health issues alone it seems best to you that you take on charge of care decisions at this time.
3. I would ask for Sister's agreement on that. I would tell her that if this is the case you will make best decisions you are able. That you will not be discussing them; neither you nor she need argument; life is difficult enough.
4. I would tell sister that if she cannot agree to this you will be resigning POA and she will be taking it on. I would tell her you would not interfere nor discuss decisions with her and she would be fully responsible for all aspects of care.
To me this is an either or situation and there is no pussyfooting around it that can help.
If this meeting goes badly I would suggest you hire mediators to discuss, or that you simply choose to resign. Not everything can be fixed. And allowing this messy stew to have several chefs coming and going is going to make for a nasty meal indeed.
I wish you the best. This cannot be allowed to continue. If this is a power struggle then set the mess in sister's lap and walk away. Sorry for the extended care facility, but she will be theirs to deal with.