My husband and I are in our 40’s and we have 4 children. All are under 18 and the youngest 2 are Autistic. Now my husband has dropped the bomb on me that he wants his 75 year old mother to move in with us next month and he wants me to “help” him take care of her. He has already converted his office to a room for her even after I told him that I cant do this. My mother law and I get along fine but I would prefer if she stayed in her own home or went to an assisted living because Im caring for disabled children already and he frequently travels for work and im a stay at home mom. 2 of our children are completely non verbal and 1 is still in diapers because of the severity of his condition. It’s a lot. My husband clearly doesn’t care if it’s already overwhelming for me. He’s an only child and his mom never married and he said he feels obligated to take her in because she doesn’t have anybody else and she’s struggling financially. His mom is 300lbs and can barely walk. He said he is going to hire home health for her and it’s going to be ok but I still do not want this extra responsibility. I already have my hands full. He said I’m being unreasonable about this. It’s his mom and if he doesn’t want her in a facility, she’s not going. I just feel like this is very selfish of him to put this on me.
It seems there is some kind of clan or cultural or other distinct factor to be taken into account?
Has your husband taken this bull-headed approach before about other major decisions which ought to be shared?
But what does your MIL want? Do you know all of the background about why she needs to move and what options SHE has considered?
Your husband is being a numpty and a martyr. Worse, he expects you to join him in his martyrdom. Worse still, I can't see from your post at least that the person imagined to be benefiting from the sacrifice is at all keen on the idea.
There are SERIOUS DISCUSSIONS to be had, dear man! See if you can first get him to concede at least this point.
Agree. Ask him to discuss with you sensibly or discuss with you & a Marriage counsellor.
Which poster was it that says:
Say No, repeat in ever increasing volume.
I love that!
Also, from another poster: I said No. You didn't seem to hear me - I SAID NO.
not guided by or based on good sense
panic:
sudden uncontrollable fear or anxiety, often causing wildly unthinking behaviour
When I read your post, I pictured a cartoon of a gal using a rolling pin to knock some sense into her fella 😡😡😡
I do have a magic wand (from a toyshop). Once calm, I think I would present that. Maybe with a superhero cape & a hard hat.
I'm sure your DH means well. Wants to be the superhero for his Mom. But his panic reaction lacks all reason. It is a *Magical Thinking* solution.
Keep talking to him about the realities. Practical solutions are needed here. If he doesn't listen, present the wand for him to try instead. If he still won't listen, he may need that hard hat after all.
He can spend the time there with her when she needs more care. You will miss him.
Any assistance he is going to stop giving to your immediate family (things he used to help you with), you can hire a full support team, housekeeping, cook, and companion care for adult children. You need this respite for awhile now.
Pretty sure your dH is not thinking straight. He is likely not intentionally mean, not your enemy, and does not have a clue how to solve this with his Mother.
Reason for some shock therapy...in the form of
1) extra bed in the den=2
2) spending money on consultant The budget has just blown up, big! Big and unreasonable.
3) going to Mil to talk this out.
Families with an autistic child....have you ever considered where the genes came from? We all want to know at some time or another, not to place blame, but to understand how to cope with a spouse who may have some of the characteristics of autism, barely noticeable, but hard to deal with at times.
Then bring in a geriatric care manager to your home now, ask for an assessment of your needs, the needs of your 2 children with autism, and the prospect of adding an elderly to this mix, who cannot help out and will need care. Maybe the geriatric care manager can put some sense into your husband.
This may cost $250 - $300 for the consult, but money well spent to save your sanity and household.
In 8 weeks, I was bedridden from the stress of it all.
Who on earth is going to take care of all of those people if YOU end up sinking?
My mother’s “facility” is like a hotel. Meals prepared. She gets to choose what she eats. Her studio apartment is cleaned at least once a week. There is a van to take those that want to, shopping, to the library, etc. She can have as many visitors as she wants to, daily. What in the world is not to like?
Say no, stamp your feet, scream and yell. Don’t give in.
He called me all the names, selfish, greedy, unloving..you name it, but I stood firm.
15 years later and she is a complete angry nutjob whom he can't bear to even visit for 1/2 hr every other month. He has stated that he was glad I was so 'selfish' at the time he felt she needed help.
He also travels a lot and the care would have fallen 100% on me, and she absolutely hates me--so it would not have worked for so many reasons.
BTW, MY mom had begged to move in with us about the same time and he put his foot down and said 'absolutely not' so he didn't have a leg to stand on.
Stay firm. You have more than plenty on your plate!!
If he is willing to hire help, do it in her home. Tell him you have no idea how he thinks this will work when u care for 2 challanged children. Having a 75 year old healthy woman living under your roof is one thing but a person that weighes 300 lbs and can't walk is like having another child. No, you cannot do it he needs to find alternatives.
Does she own a house, then sell it. Get her into a low income apt and use the proceeds to offset the cost. Call Medicaid, if she is low income, and see what level of in home care she can receive. Then DH can pay for what Medicaid won't. Call Office of Aging for suggestions. He is not there at times so shouldn't expect you to pick up the flack.
She is 75. She could live another twenty tears or more. Has the mother-in-law been consulted and her wishes taken into account in all this? Has her son, your husband, really talked about how she will be living in a converted office as a permanent house guest? Will he expect her to be integrated into the entire family routine and activities, or is she expected to go back to her room and shut the door and stay there? Living alone in someone else’s house can be a very lonely, unwelcoming, experience. Getting along with her isn’t the same as having her take over your favorite chair in the living room and take control of the TV remote. How does she get along with the children?
A serious round of all the adults talking with some honest reasoning is much needed.
Best wishes to you! I, personally, would be frightened of this huge change.
I would just tell me him NO. If he doesn't like your answer tell him to put his Mom in a facility that would be most beneficial to her. And then say the subject is closed.
Good luck to you,
Jenna
Perhaps a vacation for you and leave him with the kids for a week might open his eyes.
I would draw a bright line on this issue and tell him no, you will not do any of the caregiving for his mom.
I will add that it sounds like he is panicking and not thinking rationally.
Start out by telling him that it doesn't sound like a good plan for anyone and not one that you can support.
Suggest asking the local Area Agency on Aging for a "needs assessment".
Get brochures from local Assisted Living places. Arrange tours. Get a consult from an eldercare attorney about her finances and options for care.
If he feels so obligated to care for his mom, then he needs to have her placed in the appropriate facility, where she will receive that 24/7 care she needs, and you all can go visit whenever you want. Unless of course he wants you to go to work outside the home, and he gets to stay home and take care of his mom and the children. You know if that were to happen, he would have mom placed in no time flat.
I hope that you will show him your post and all the answers you receive, as I believe it will be an eye opener for him for sure.