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Reading back through answers and your replies - what's all this about "the family" does or doesn't believe in this that and the other?

It seems there is some kind of clan or cultural or other distinct factor to be taken into account?

Has your husband taken this bull-headed approach before about other major decisions which ought to be shared?
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FedUpWife45 Jun 2021
My mother and father took care of their parents too but they didn’t move them in. I was in my late 30’s when nana and papa was declining and I saw the struggle.
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"It’s his mom and if he doesn’t want her in a facility, she’s not going."

But what does your MIL want? Do you know all of the background about why she needs to move and what options SHE has considered?

Your husband is being a numpty and a martyr. Worse, he expects you to join him in his martyrdom. Worse still, I can't see from your post at least that the person imagined to be benefiting from the sacrifice is at all keen on the idea.

There are SERIOUS DISCUSSIONS to be had, dear man! See if you can first get him to concede at least this point.
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FedUpWife45 Jun 2021
He doesn’t care what she wants.
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"I just feel like this is very selfish of him to put this on me".

Agree. Ask him to discuss with you sensibly or discuss with you & a Marriage counsellor.
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Sounds like you need to take a week off while he stays home and cares for the children.
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FedUpWife45 Jun 2021
That would never happen. It was a disaster when I needed surgery and was down for 2 weeks and he was left in charge.
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I would just say "No!" loudly. Pack your bags and put them by the front door just so he sees your serious. Just the thought of caring for two autistic kids and his mother might really strike such fear in his heart that he'll quickly change his mind.
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Beatty Jun 2021
no No NO NOO NNOOOO!

Which poster was it that says:
Say No, repeat in ever increasing volume.
I love that!

Also, from another poster: I said No. You didn't seem to hear me - I SAID NO.
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unreasonable:
not guided by or based on good sense

panic:
sudden uncontrollable fear or anxiety, often causing wildly unthinking behaviour

When I read your post, I pictured a cartoon of a gal using a rolling pin to knock some sense into her fella 😡😡😡

I do have a magic wand (from a toyshop). Once calm, I think I would present that. Maybe with a superhero cape & a hard hat.

I'm sure your DH means well. Wants to be the superhero for his Mom. But his panic reaction lacks all reason. It is a *Magical Thinking* solution.

Keep talking to him about the realities. Practical solutions are needed here. If he doesn't listen, present the wand for him to try instead. If he still won't listen, he may need that hard hat after all.
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FedUpWife45 Jun 2021
He absolutely means well but he doesn’t understand how much work it’s going to be. I like said, I’m going to speak to his mom and find out what she thinks.
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I find it hard to imagine that your mil would be willing to live in your house. Have you been able to talk to her privately? Does she understand that "peace and quiet" will not exist? Does she understand that there will be messes and disturbances and eruptions? Has she spent time in your home to know all that you deal with daily? I wonder if your dh is calling the shots but hasn't actually consulted his mother to ask her what she wants.
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FedUpWife45 Jun 2021
She has never asked to live with us to my knowledge. It’s was my husband’s idea. He doesn’t want her to live alone anymore when she’s still capable right now. She just needs some assistance.
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Why can't MIL stay in her own home, and your dH bring in-home care to her there?
He can spend the time there with her when she needs more care. You will miss him.

Any assistance he is going to stop giving to your immediate family (things he used to help you with), you can hire a full support team, housekeeping, cook, and companion care for adult children. You need this respite for awhile now.

Pretty sure your dH is not thinking straight. He is likely not intentionally mean, not your enemy, and does not have a clue how to solve this with his Mother.

Reason for some shock therapy...in the form of
1) extra bed in the den=2
2) spending money on consultant The budget has just blown up, big! Big and unreasonable.
3) going to Mil to talk this out.

Families with an autistic child....have you ever considered where the genes came from? We all want to know at some time or another, not to place blame, but to understand how to cope with a spouse who may have some of the characteristics of autism, barely noticeable, but hard to deal with at times.
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FedUpWife45 Jun 2021
Staying in her own home is exactly what I want. He’s convinced she’s going to fall again and possibly die and he won’t be there. She can fall in our house and die as well. The way he works and travel, she could fall or die while he’s gone.
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The real and inexpensive answer is to put a second bed in the "office/den".
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Sendhelp Jun 2021
Have your husband start sleeping down there now.
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Maybe try video taping the pitfalls of living with people with Autism (the meltdowns?). Can you go directly to your Mil and firmly tell her that you would also have concerns for her living in such a difficult environment. And that you are already so overwhelmed that she would be expected to change an adult diaper to help out.

Then bring in a geriatric care manager to your home now, ask for an assessment of your needs, the needs of your 2 children with autism, and the prospect of adding an elderly to this mix, who cannot help out and will need care. Maybe the geriatric care manager can put some sense into your husband.
This may cost $250 - $300 for the consult, but money well spent to save your sanity and household.
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FedUpWife45 Jun 2021
My husband is very aware of the Autistic meltdowns he just doesn’t see it as a reason not to move her in. The kids have stayed over at her house plenty of times so she’s aware of their behavior’s as well. I’m more concerned adding her care to my daily routine. It’s already exhausting
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My husband invited MY mother to live with us.

In 8 weeks, I was bedridden from the stress of it all.

Who on earth is going to take care of all of those people if YOU end up sinking?

My mother’s “facility” is like a hotel. Meals prepared. She gets to choose what she eats. Her studio apartment is cleaned at least once a week. There is a van to take those that want to, shopping, to the library, etc. She can have as many visitors as she wants to, daily. What in the world is not to like?

Say no, stamp your feet, scream and yell. Don’t give in.
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I echo the sentiments here: no, you are not unreasonable; yes, your husband is acting selfishly. It is commendable of him to care about his mom. But there are ways of respecting and honoring and caring for her other than moving her in; especially when you do not agree. Reading your post made me angry as I have had some similar experiences of someone expecting more than I can do. I do want to be loving, compassionate and kind. But I know what my limits are and stand up for that, It is sad that I have to, but if someone is pushing, it is better to stand up than to enter a season where you have to battle resentment.
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FedUpWife45 Jun 2021
My husband told me I don’t understand the bond they have because I had both of my parents at home. She was single mom all of his life and she took care of him and now he wants to take care of her. I get that but he can take care of her without moving her in with us. I really do not want to share a home with her permanently . She stayed with us for a month during the COVID shutdown last year and that was the worst month ever. We had an extra bed in the attic and we set that up in the living room for her because we really didn’t have the space for her and I was not going to force one of the kids to give up their room for her. That was actually the time I realized that there is no way she could stay with us full time. She needs help getting in and out of the shower and she can’t walk long distances and she cannot climb stairs because she need her knees replaced. She can’t bend her knees at all. She was suppose to get them done a few years back but didn’t and she went to a doctor recently and he told her he can’t do them now. Its too late.
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When my DH informed me that we'd be bringing HIS mom to live with us I calmly stated "Well, if you think your mom needs more care, you are MORE than welcome to move in with her. She moves one suitcase in here and this marriage is OVER".

He called me all the names, selfish, greedy, unloving..you name it, but I stood firm.

15 years later and she is a complete angry nutjob whom he can't bear to even visit for 1/2 hr every other month. He has stated that he was glad I was so 'selfish' at the time he felt she needed help.

He also travels a lot and the care would have fallen 100% on me, and she absolutely hates me--so it would not have worked for so many reasons.

BTW, MY mom had begged to move in with us about the same time and he put his foot down and said 'absolutely not' so he didn't have a leg to stand on.

Stay firm. You have more than plenty on your plate!!
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FedUpWife45 Jun 2021
I’m not leaving him and letting her win.
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Is he not involved in his children's care? Maybe he is between a rock and a hard place and has no idea how to handle the situation.
If he is willing to hire help, do it in her home. Tell him you have no idea how he thinks this will work when u care for 2 challanged children. Having a 75 year old healthy woman living under your roof is one thing but a person that weighes 300 lbs and can't walk is like having another child. No, you cannot do it he needs to find alternatives.

Does she own a house, then sell it. Get her into a low income apt and use the proceeds to offset the cost. Call Medicaid, if she is low income, and see what level of in home care she can receive. Then DH can pay for what Medicaid won't. Call Office of Aging for suggestions. He is not there at times so shouldn't expect you to pick up the flack.
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FedUpWife45 Jun 2021
When he’s home he helps with the children. So he knows how much work it is. Yes his mom has a home but he already said he isn’t selling it. The home stays in the family.
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You are definitely not being unreasonable. Even if you didn't have two children with autism, it should be an equal agreement / decision, especially since he travels for work. Is it possible to move her closer to your home without moving her in? Maybe co-sign for an apartment and get assistive living help? Or maybe it could just be a rest home near you so he can check on her as much as he wants to?
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FedUpWife45 Jun 2021
No one is his family believes in sending loves one to nursing homes or assisted living. His Aunt is 88 and she is living with her daughter now but her daughter has adult children and no one is living at home. Even when his mom needed rehab, he didn’t want her in the facility and it was just temporary and when we came to visit she was totally fine. He saw she was just fine but he acted as if it was the worst thing ever.
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Perhaps you are being unreasonable, but so is he! It doesn’t sound like ‘reasoning’ has gone into the equation at all.

She is 75. She could live another twenty tears or more. Has the mother-in-law been consulted and her wishes taken into account in all this? Has her son, your husband, really talked about how she will be living in a converted office as a permanent house guest? Will he expect her to be integrated into the entire family routine and activities, or is she expected to go back to her room and shut the door and stay there? Living alone in someone else’s house can be a very lonely, unwelcoming, experience. Getting along with her isn’t the same as having her take over your favorite chair in the living room and take control of the TV remote. How does she get along with the children?

A serious round of all the adults talking with some honest reasoning is much needed.

Best wishes to you! I, personally, would be frightened of this huge change.
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FedUpWife45 Jun 2021
The office is a decent size and even has a small closet and a bathroom across the hall. Our master bedroom is on the other side of the house and the kids room are upstairs. She came over on Saturday and looked at the room and she said she can’t fit all of her things in the room. My husband told her he would put the rest of her furniture in the attic. She didn’t really seem happy with that.
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I get angry just reading your post, wow! How dare he do this to you!!! Yes, he is being extremely selfish and not thinking about you and all that you need to do for your children which is so much work. I feel for you just reading what responsibilities you already have.

I would just tell me him NO. If he doesn't like your answer tell him to put his Mom in a facility that would be most beneficial to her. And then say the subject is closed.

Good luck to you,
Jenna
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You are completely justified in being aghast, angry and outraged.

Perhaps a vacation for you and leave him with the kids for a week might open his eyes.

I would draw a bright line on this issue and tell him no, you will not do any of the caregiving for his mom.

I will add that it sounds like he is panicking and not thinking rationally.

Start out by telling him that it doesn't sound like a good plan for anyone and not one that you can support.

Suggest asking the local Area Agency on Aging for a "needs assessment".

Get brochures from local Assisted Living places. Arrange tours. Get a consult from an eldercare attorney about her finances and options for care.
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FedUpWife45 Jun 2021
This is a waste of time. He doesn’t want her placed anywhere but in our home. It’s really depressing because he literally doesn’t seem to understand he’s asking a lot of me. Or maybe he does and he doesn’t care…
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It IS very selfish of him to put this on you. It's unbelievable actually. I mean WTF is he thinking? Like you don't already have your hands full enough, and now he wants to add more. Your post has almost got me speechless.
If he feels so obligated to care for his mom, then he needs to have her placed in the appropriate facility, where she will receive that 24/7 care she needs, and you all can go visit whenever you want. Unless of course he wants you to go to work outside the home, and he gets to stay home and take care of his mom and the children. You know if that were to happen, he would have mom placed in no time flat.
I hope that you will show him your post and all the answers you receive, as I believe it will be an eye opener for him for sure.
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FedUpWife45 Jun 2021
I was honestly stunned myself. I feel like he isn’t looking out for me. He’s looking out for his mom.
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