My husband and I are in our 40’s and we have 4 children. All are under 18 and the youngest 2 are Autistic. Now my husband has dropped the bomb on me that he wants his 75 year old mother to move in with us next month and he wants me to “help” him take care of her. He has already converted his office to a room for her even after I told him that I cant do this. My mother law and I get along fine but I would prefer if she stayed in her own home or went to an assisted living because Im caring for disabled children already and he frequently travels for work and im a stay at home mom. 2 of our children are completely non verbal and 1 is still in diapers because of the severity of his condition. It’s a lot. My husband clearly doesn’t care if it’s already overwhelming for me. He’s an only child and his mom never married and he said he feels obligated to take her in because she doesn’t have anybody else and she’s struggling financially. His mom is 300lbs and can barely walk. He said he is going to hire home health for her and it’s going to be ok but I still do not want this extra responsibility. I already have my hands full. He said I’m being unreasonable about this. It’s his mom and if he doesn’t want her in a facility, she’s not going. I just feel like this is very selfish of him to put this on me.
If he feels so obligated to care for his mom, then he needs to have her placed in the appropriate facility, where she will receive that 24/7 care she needs, and you all can go visit whenever you want. Unless of course he wants you to go to work outside the home, and he gets to stay home and take care of his mom and the children. You know if that were to happen, he would have mom placed in no time flat.
I hope that you will show him your post and all the answers you receive, as I believe it will be an eye opener for him for sure.
Perhaps a vacation for you and leave him with the kids for a week might open his eyes.
I would draw a bright line on this issue and tell him no, you will not do any of the caregiving for his mom.
I will add that it sounds like he is panicking and not thinking rationally.
Start out by telling him that it doesn't sound like a good plan for anyone and not one that you can support.
Suggest asking the local Area Agency on Aging for a "needs assessment".
Get brochures from local Assisted Living places. Arrange tours. Get a consult from an eldercare attorney about her finances and options for care.
I would just tell me him NO. If he doesn't like your answer tell him to put his Mom in a facility that would be most beneficial to her. And then say the subject is closed.
Good luck to you,
Jenna
She is 75. She could live another twenty tears or more. Has the mother-in-law been consulted and her wishes taken into account in all this? Has her son, your husband, really talked about how she will be living in a converted office as a permanent house guest? Will he expect her to be integrated into the entire family routine and activities, or is she expected to go back to her room and shut the door and stay there? Living alone in someone else’s house can be a very lonely, unwelcoming, experience. Getting along with her isn’t the same as having her take over your favorite chair in the living room and take control of the TV remote. How does she get along with the children?
A serious round of all the adults talking with some honest reasoning is much needed.
Best wishes to you! I, personally, would be frightened of this huge change.
If he is willing to hire help, do it in her home. Tell him you have no idea how he thinks this will work when u care for 2 challanged children. Having a 75 year old healthy woman living under your roof is one thing but a person that weighes 300 lbs and can't walk is like having another child. No, you cannot do it he needs to find alternatives.
Does she own a house, then sell it. Get her into a low income apt and use the proceeds to offset the cost. Call Medicaid, if she is low income, and see what level of in home care she can receive. Then DH can pay for what Medicaid won't. Call Office of Aging for suggestions. He is not there at times so shouldn't expect you to pick up the flack.
He called me all the names, selfish, greedy, unloving..you name it, but I stood firm.
15 years later and she is a complete angry nutjob whom he can't bear to even visit for 1/2 hr every other month. He has stated that he was glad I was so 'selfish' at the time he felt she needed help.
He also travels a lot and the care would have fallen 100% on me, and she absolutely hates me--so it would not have worked for so many reasons.
BTW, MY mom had begged to move in with us about the same time and he put his foot down and said 'absolutely not' so he didn't have a leg to stand on.
Stay firm. You have more than plenty on your plate!!
In 8 weeks, I was bedridden from the stress of it all.
Who on earth is going to take care of all of those people if YOU end up sinking?
My mother’s “facility” is like a hotel. Meals prepared. She gets to choose what she eats. Her studio apartment is cleaned at least once a week. There is a van to take those that want to, shopping, to the library, etc. She can have as many visitors as she wants to, daily. What in the world is not to like?
Say no, stamp your feet, scream and yell. Don’t give in.
Then bring in a geriatric care manager to your home now, ask for an assessment of your needs, the needs of your 2 children with autism, and the prospect of adding an elderly to this mix, who cannot help out and will need care. Maybe the geriatric care manager can put some sense into your husband.
This may cost $250 - $300 for the consult, but money well spent to save your sanity and household.
He can spend the time there with her when she needs more care. You will miss him.
Any assistance he is going to stop giving to your immediate family (things he used to help you with), you can hire a full support team, housekeeping, cook, and companion care for adult children. You need this respite for awhile now.
Pretty sure your dH is not thinking straight. He is likely not intentionally mean, not your enemy, and does not have a clue how to solve this with his Mother.
Reason for some shock therapy...in the form of
1) extra bed in the den=2
2) spending money on consultant The budget has just blown up, big! Big and unreasonable.
3) going to Mil to talk this out.
Families with an autistic child....have you ever considered where the genes came from? We all want to know at some time or another, not to place blame, but to understand how to cope with a spouse who may have some of the characteristics of autism, barely noticeable, but hard to deal with at times.
not guided by or based on good sense
panic:
sudden uncontrollable fear or anxiety, often causing wildly unthinking behaviour
When I read your post, I pictured a cartoon of a gal using a rolling pin to knock some sense into her fella 😡😡😡
I do have a magic wand (from a toyshop). Once calm, I think I would present that. Maybe with a superhero cape & a hard hat.
I'm sure your DH means well. Wants to be the superhero for his Mom. But his panic reaction lacks all reason. It is a *Magical Thinking* solution.
Keep talking to him about the realities. Practical solutions are needed here. If he doesn't listen, present the wand for him to try instead. If he still won't listen, he may need that hard hat after all.
Which poster was it that says:
Say No, repeat in ever increasing volume.
I love that!
Also, from another poster: I said No. You didn't seem to hear me - I SAID NO.
Agree. Ask him to discuss with you sensibly or discuss with you & a Marriage counsellor.
But what does your MIL want? Do you know all of the background about why she needs to move and what options SHE has considered?
Your husband is being a numpty and a martyr. Worse, he expects you to join him in his martyrdom. Worse still, I can't see from your post at least that the person imagined to be benefiting from the sacrifice is at all keen on the idea.
There are SERIOUS DISCUSSIONS to be had, dear man! See if you can first get him to concede at least this point.
It seems there is some kind of clan or cultural or other distinct factor to be taken into account?
Has your husband taken this bull-headed approach before about other major decisions which ought to be shared?
How many hours a day does he intent to have "home health" come in? What happens when she needs help when they aren't there?
According to your profile, your mil has diabetes and bad mobility. Does she control her blood sugar? If she weighs 300 lbs., then it sounds like she is not controlling her diet. What was she hospitalized for when she ended up in rehab?
You've been marred 22 years -- this will wreck your marriage if she moves in, as well as your health. Does he care?
"Next month" will be here in less than a week. Please figure out your plan if he puts his foot down and says his mother WILL move in. Can we help you figure that out here?
He's not looking out for ANYBODY! He is panicking for no good reason (old people fall. All the time...I felt guilty that my mom fell in her AL with TWO aides in the room; you know what the discharge planner/RN told me? HER mother fell with 3 RNs in the room; she, the discharge planner was one of them!)
Get her a fall alert pendant if he's worried she'll fall while alone.
House stays in the family? Why is that?
Isn't it your MIL's choice where to live and whether to sell her home?
This may be a difficult conversation because you are making it clear that you don’t want her to come and live with you. However sooner or later she is going to know that you don’t want it to happen, and sooner with reasons is the best option for both of you. Talk it through before it goes wrong, and show that you respect her views. With luck, you’ll find that she isn’t keen on the idea herself, and she will put a stop to it immediately. Then you can move on with the other sensible options.
Secondly, falling should be the least of your husband's worries. That's a lot of weight, no wonder she has a hard time walking. My Aunt weighed close to 300 pounds at one time and she couldn't walk and due to the weight she needed knee surgery. Eventually she lost the weight (on her own) and was able to walk better (she only had 1 knee done).
What really gets me is your husband's lack of consideration for you. He is being so unreasonable not you.
Like others have said you need to have a serious talk with him and if he's the type that doesn't listen then YOU need to go talk to a therapist or marriage counselor by yourself just to vent and hopefully get good advice.
Maybe once your husband knows you are seeking outside help for you he may think twice.
If it were me and I was not dependent on my husband for money I would pack my bags for myself and children and leave but that's me. Sadly money always plays a huge part.
I wish you the very best,
Jenna
Why are you dependent on your husband for money? What a situation to have to be at the mercy of someone else's mood or fancy.
It makes me sick every day that I haven't been employed for a while because I'm the only caregiver to my mother. Mainly it's for financial reasons because the thought of handing my childhood home over to a greedy nursing home makes me even sicker.
I worked as an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years. It's not easy work and for more than a couple of those years the pay wasn't great. I never let myself be financially dependent on anyone. Not since I was 17 years old. Not on my parents or either of my husbands.
Being an in-home caregiver isn't the best of jobs, but any day of the week I'd rather clean sh*t then have to eat it.
You need to get a job. Then pack your bags and go if you want out. When both people in the relationship work and earn they are equals and then there's respect. That kind of respect only happens when there isn't financial dependency on the other person.
When you earn your own money the choice of staying or leaving is up to you and that changes everything.
When you don't have your own money that choice is up to the other person. Get yourself a job.
Hogwash.
I would make two appointments this week. One for a marriage counselor and one for a divorce lawyer.
Maybe finding out that he's going become poverty stricken due to paying child support and alimony will open his eyes.
Or maybe a good marriage counselor can help him see another path.
Frank discussions about the future of her house sound like they are needed. To keep it in the family - does its actual worth, dollar value, and sentimental value versus maintenance costs and future value merit that? Are there family members yearning for the day they can move into it? Or is this a clinging to a past ideal of a life that was in the past but can never be again? I’ve been there - anyone in our family would have knocked down the old, deteriorating house and built new if we *had* to live there (no one wanted to), but the clinging-to idea was it would be like it was fifty years ago when it really was the family home.
It does sound like you three are on a good discussion path. Best wishes for all of you continuing it.
You also say "He doesn't care what she wants". Your husband sounds worse and worse all the time. Is this his usual behavior? And "it was a disaster" when you were in hospital and he had to cope on his own. What sort of disaster? You really need marriage guidance. Divorce sounds just around the corner. Perhaps make it a real threat.
Your husband's mother was never married, so your DH became her everything. He was the surrogate husband, the son, the everything. He was the only child and the 'head of the household', so to speak. He became her universe and she became his universe. She never took care of herself and used food to cope with life. Now she's getting old and all that lack of self care has caught up by way of needing new knees, not being able to walk, climb stairs, and being 300 lbs. Which is turning out to be your husband's problem and in turn, your problem & your children's problem b/c your DH can't say No to his mother. She's his everything; he's been groomed for it his whole life. She has created a monster by forcing an unnatural situation upon him from birth.
And here's where it's your problem and your children's problem b/c he doesn't know what else to do except to keep taking care of his mother. At your expense.
He needs to agree to marriage counseling to understand how grown adults conduct normal relationships & what marriage looks like. About how to put his wife and children FIRST in life and relegate his mother to the backseat where she belongs *GASP* . He just doesn't understand that b/c he was trained that she was to be his entire world. Someone has to set him straight other than YOU. He will either learn how a good marriage works or he won't. And then you will need to make a decision based on the outcome.
Do you allow this woman to move in and destroy your life and your children's lives b/c your husband doesn't have the chutzpah to say no, or, do you ask your husband to leave and move in with mother so the two of them can continue their lives together as it has been since they were a unit (until you came along)?
Those are the choices as I see it. He either learns how to be a functional husband in a functional marriage or he moves back in with mommy and the two of them live happily ever after. If it were me, I would NEVER allow a 300 lb dysfunctional mother in law to move in on my world when I had special needs children to take care of. Not in a million years. It's inappropriate and unreasonable in every way imaginable. Even your MIL isn't really on board with the idea, which tells you how unreasonable your DH is being!
Wishing you the very best of luck. I sincerely hope your DH is capable of getting the counseling he needs to understand priorities and just how important YOU and his children are to him. Sending you a hug and a prayer.
It's a real shame that people today including your husband have no respect for women that are housewives taking care of the home and family instead of going to a job. That's how it is though. When there's a woman who doesn't work outside the home people (including their own families) feel they are entitled to that woman's time and labor. If anyone needs caregiving for an elderly person or a baby sitter for the kids, they give that woman a call.
I'm going to give you some good but hard advice. I don't know how old your autistic kids are but if they're school-age put them in school. Being handicapped and special needs does not mean they cannot go to some kind of school. Then get a job. It will be good for your kids and good for you.
Your husband will then have to work out the living and care arrangements for his mother because you can't be her caregiver if you aren't home.
Get a job. It will be the best thing you ever did. You won't have to be responsible for being your MIL's caregiver. It will also give you a break from your kids. It's okay to need a break from your kids.
Good luck to you.
I have the greatest respect for anyone that's at home caring for a family. That's a great sacrifice. I know that's not easy and it's even harder for you because your kids have special needs.
But, your MIL will be moved into your house and you will become her caregiver if you don't go back to work. It totally sucks but it's the only way.
You say yourself that your husband clearly doesn't care if it's already overwhelming for you. He knows that you're backed into a corner because you're out of the workforce and are dependent on him. If you became not dependent on him, that would change everything.
Then you would have a choice. When that happens he will have respect.
After reading your story, I don't want to see your MIL move in and then you'll have to take on that burden on top of everything you already do. That's not fair or right. I hope your MIL refuses.