My husband and I are in our 40’s and we have 4 children. All are under 18 and the youngest 2 are Autistic. Now my husband has dropped the bomb on me that he wants his 75 year old mother to move in with us next month and he wants me to “help” him take care of her. He has already converted his office to a room for her even after I told him that I cant do this. My mother law and I get along fine but I would prefer if she stayed in her own home or went to an assisted living because Im caring for disabled children already and he frequently travels for work and im a stay at home mom. 2 of our children are completely non verbal and 1 is still in diapers because of the severity of his condition. It’s a lot. My husband clearly doesn’t care if it’s already overwhelming for me. He’s an only child and his mom never married and he said he feels obligated to take her in because she doesn’t have anybody else and she’s struggling financially. His mom is 300lbs and can barely walk. He said he is going to hire home health for her and it’s going to be ok but I still do not want this extra responsibility. I already have my hands full. He said I’m being unreasonable about this. It’s his mom and if he doesn’t want her in a facility, she’s not going. I just feel like this is very selfish of him to put this on me.
I respect you and your husband for being committed to each other and for being devoted parents. Couples are united as one, yet are still individuals with our own needs. There has to be harmony in a relationship, whether there are children involved or not.
You have decided that divorce isn’t a viable solution. Divorce can be challenging, especially when children are involved.
In some cases though, divorce is the sensible choice for all involved if situations aren’t resolved. No one wins if a couple stays together “for the sake of the children.” Children don’t win if the parents are always at odds with each other about important issues, showing no concerns or respect for one another. What does that teach children?
My husband and I have been married for 43 years, so I truly understand your desire for a marriage that lasts for a lifetime.
My mom lost her beloved home in hurricane Katrina and mom lived with us for 15 years. I was looking after my mom long before she moved in because she had Parkinson’s disease and needed help. We have two children. It was a big adjustment for all of us, including my mother. She recently died in a hospice house. I miss her terribly but I am glad that she received excellent care, is no longer suffering and is reunited with my father in the afterlife.
Your mother in law’s home is just a house! My childhood home was completely destroyed in hurricane Katrina. It was an incredibly emotional experience. In the end though, it’s only a house. Mom’s house held many memories, all of her possessions inside the home were ruined. It broke my heart to see my mom’s face while looking at everything that was ruined. I felt it was important for her to have closure, so I brought her to see it when she asked to see her house one last time.
Guess what my mom did shortly after seeing her home? She attended Mass with us and said a prayer of thanks to almighty God that she still had her life! We were so glad that we had evacuated to Texas. Many people died in hurricane Katrina. My point is that your mother in law and your husband need to let go of the idea that keeping a home is in her best interests.
Sell the home. Find a wonderful assisted living facility and visit her. That is the most logical choice.
No one questions your love for each other. I dearly loved my mom. Mom was homeless and we offered her shelter. Was it the best solution? It would have been fine short term, until other arrangements were made. Having mom here full time was difficult. I was the one, like your husband who mixed up ‘love’ with ‘care’ for my mom. Our family dynamics changed and it became complicated. I needed therapy to learn coping skills and help in moving forward.
I hope your husband will come to his senses. Therapy would provide a safe place to express any concerns, plus it would help having an objective viewpoint to help clear up confusion.
Wishing you all the best to you and your entire family.
I hope your MIL is okay. Is it possible for you to talk to her doctor about her health problems and get a recommendation from the doctor to put your MIL in a facility where they can monitor her health?
When I first starting caring for my Mom she fell down right before her doctor's app't right outside the medical building and her doctor said to me "maybe you should think about putting your Mom in a nursing home".. We were new to this doctor at that time and since then he thinks I'm a great caregiver. Of course my Mom had to get a walker since she wasn't steady on her feet.
My point is there are some doctors who will recommend a facility depending on the situation.
All the best,
Jenna
1. a Doctor may have good local knowledge of various places
2. A doctor's suggestion may have more weight than family suggesting it
2. MIL may be more willing to accept a Doctor's authority
3. it gives her Son/DIL a professionaly advised direction - less guilt all round.
Your sanity and your children come first. She can go to a nice assisted living and your family can visit her.
I am glad that you get along with her. Keep in that way because it is stressful to have parents living in your home. I had my mom in my home and it changed our lives. It truly wasn’t the best situation.
I loved my mom very much, but caregiving is a demanding job and it never gets any easier. It becomes harder with each passing year. My mom recently died in a hospice house and she received excellent care.
Your mom will be well cared for in a facility. She will adjust to her new surroundings. Your husband will too.
Please let him know he is not the villan here. Just another adult trying to care for an aging parent - a son trying to be the 'Good Son' as he was raised.
Curing old age for our parents is not possible 🙁
Acceptance & grief are next.
I just saw your latest post…see Social Worker & have her sent to rehab facility first & then apply for Medicaid when that short term rehab ends.
HUGS!!! 🤗🤗🤗
One to three meals a day
Monitoring of medication
Personal care, including dressing and bathing
Housekeeping and laundry
24-hour emergency care
Some medical services
Social and recreational activities
You, alone, can not possibly give her the above care at home without burning out.
You and your husband can search online for some good AL facilities near where she lives right now and broach the subject with MIL. Take her to go visit a few of them. She can either sell her house, or rent it out, and use the money to pay for a place at an AL.
What you are both facing now is something that absolutely depends on YOU to make it work. If it’s a reversal of the usual situation, he’s a brave and sensible man to accept that “maybe he isn’t thinking this through”. Good luck to both of you – and to a good solution for MIL as well. Yours, Margaret
Invite him to look around the forum. He'll find plenty of people who regret moving their parents in to live with them. Their lives were changed drastically for the worse.
MIL and DIL typically do not get along living under the same roof. Three of my close friends got divorced due to MIL/FIL moving in and butting into their marriages.
Tell him having the nephew move into his mom's home and live for free is a HAREBRAINED idea.
If you feel that you have no choice in this, perhaps it might help to agree with DH to a one month trial. Her house will stay vacant, and you can all go back to square one, with experience.
She didn't like my dad, she didn't like the food we ate, she HATED being in the suburbs where she had no one her age to talk to.
My mom was bound and determined never to have to live with any of us. We helped her find a nice Independent Living facility where she made friends, enjoyed activities and outings. She was able to get herself to the onsite doctor and to Mass. She was happy.
Of course your husband wants everyone to be happy. But his version of happy and his mom's may not be the same thing.
And even if she DID want to move in, his FIRST obligation is to his minor kids and wife.
A better arrangement might be for the nephew to move in with MIL and take care of her as his rent. :-) Sounds like that might solve everyone’s problem, at least for the moment. It just delays the problem, but that might help.
I am with you, btw, in rejecting the divorce idea, but maybe you could intimate to your husband that is what quite a number of people have told you, to let him know how very seriously people - especially women/wives - who have lived through this exact situation view the difficulties and problems he is trying to insert into your lives - yours, your children’s, and his mother’s.
Your husband appears to have little respect for you. He clearly thinks that you are Superwoman, which is nice, but it's not the same as respecting your "no, I can possibly do that".
This book might help-- https://www.overcomingenmeshment.com/books/when-hes-married-to-mom/
May 18, 2021
Am I being unreasonable not wanting my mother in law to move in with us?
Elise - there are so many things many of us didn't know until we moved our parents in and found out the hard way, and that it was too late to move them out.
It's easy to move your MIL in but it will be almost impossible to move her out. It will feel like you are kicking her out when she needs so much help.
Here are a few things that some of us have to deal with:
--MIL now shares the house and starts criticizing the way DIL cooks, manages house, the kitchen, disciplines the kids, all while the husband does nothing about it, or sides with his mother.
--The parent takes over the living room and the TV all day all night and won't give the couple any privacy. If the parent has hearing loss, the TV will be on full blast.
--The parent takes over the conversation at every meal and wants to be the center of attention.
--The parent will demand to be included in all the social activities and be brought along, and will get angry if left at home.
--The MIL now sees her son's house as hers, and the wife becomes the outsider or the third wheel.
Since your MIL has mobility issues, here are some issues you might have to deal with:
--MIL will fall, even if you're standing next to her. Can you pick her up? How's that back of yours?
--MIL might need help with personal hygiene. Who's going to help bathe her and dress her? Who's going to help her with #1 and #2? Who's going to clean up bathroom messes when she has accidents? Who's going to pick up and launder her soiled clothes? If she uses a bedside commode (since she can barely walks), who's going to dump out the bucket and clean it daily?
--Eventually in a few years, she will become incontinent. Who's going to do diaper duties? And clean her nether regions?
--If she has other health problems, who's going to transport her to doctor appointments, and help her in and out of the car?
--Since she's still driving and shouldn't, who's going to tell her she has to stop driving before she kills someone? This issue is a big one for many people because the elder is so stubborn and won't give up the keys.
One other thing, not only you can't go on vacations, you won't have much (if any) of a social life either. Friends will move on. You will feel isolated and stuck.
Your MIL may not have any of the issues I mentioned above, but that will change. Her needs will get more and more. Your husband is clueless as to what is waiting in store for you all, especially you Elise.
Some of us made the mistake of moving our in-laws in, and found out we have become a 24/7 unpaid servant doing the hardest, most unwanted and thankless job, and worst of all, we can't get out of it, then we think to ourselves, it's better to be divorced than to be in this horrible situation.
FedUpWife, the above is the reality for many of us and that is why we want to warn others. Your MIL is only 75, she may live another 10-20 years if well medicated and taken care of. Can you see why some of us in this situation would rather be divorced than be a slave for10-20 years?
I found when knee-jerk reactions to leap in to help or fix other's problems happened to my DH or myself, we were definately in the FOG - could not see the situation clearly. Operating under Fear (who else can do it?) Obligation (family takes care of family) & Guilt (it would be selfish not to).
I've found common sense is the cure. More thinking, less emotion - helps me to see things clearer. Make better rational decisions.
One example was a family member volunteered o help, but quickly got overwhelmed. Then told others to help too (not ASK btw). I actually heard all 3 FOG being used - for manipulation, especially a very thick layer of guilt. Got me thinking...
We said no. Got But but but. But no-one else. But family. But it would be selfish. Why did she volunteer we asked? Because she wanted to be the BEST ever helper. Actually what she was trying to do was delegate the grunge work to others... but APPEAR to be the BEST ever helper. Wow. So by holding a mirror up, that word *selfish* was reflected back to sender. It was quite a different picture. It showed;
The volunteer helper was motivated to help to meet their own needs - to feel good about themselves. They cared not who did the job, but wanted the recognition.
It wasn't evil. Just naive. I've forgiven. But I do remember & have learned to be careful.
Helping can be great, for both sides, but there healthier ways to do than manipulation.
You and he need marital counseling.
Edit to add;
Perhaps, it's his desire to protect his mother, but he forgets as a husband and a father, his first duty is to protect his wife and children.
Unless hubby is hiring people to cover mom 24/7 and a cook and housecleaner - there is no way this should happen.
Has your husband never seen an AL facility. I suggest that you take him and tour a couple of them to see what they offer. They are not your "grandma's nursing home". Some of them are very nice. If you choose the right one there will be no "institutional meals"; she will have people her age to associate with, activities to participate in and is staffed 24/7 to assist your MIL. Your husband can still caregive by advocating for her needs and when you visit you will visit as her children - not as caregivers.
The nights that aspie does not sleep, the meltdowns, the destructive behaviors, the smeared feces on the walls, the eloping, ghosting-not all aspies are the same, it varies. But requires 24/7 supervision of some sort, overall.
Can you also reach out to your Autism community for support on what to do?
I am curious -- what is your H's typical schedule for out-of-town travel? He's gone about how many nights a week? Month?
Even if you got a job, you would come home and then have a lot of work to do, with extra because of MIL. Does your MIL drive herself places? What exactly can't she do for herself?
Your H doesn't realize that he would be killing his mother if he doesn't force the issue and get her into a facility that would monitor her meals. What kind of cooking does she do? Is it unhealthy? Does she buy junk food?
This situation is absolutely awful for you and your children. What are your thoughts after reading the responses here? Can you see the possibility of having to leave your H?
Well, now [smiling sweetly].
In the wonderful world of social care, we don't care what DH wants. Not if it conflicts with what the client (MIL, in this case) wants. Your DH may be overbearing, he may currently be filled with crusading zeal about keeping your MIL safely confined in his comfortable converted home-office where she will be waited on hand and foot (by you, ha!), he may be refusing to listen to anyone, but reality will do its thing and intrude. MIL, especially if supported by you, other family members and (if need be) health and social care professionals, makes the decisions here. Not your husband.
So can we return to this key question: when you talk to MIL, what does SHE want? Ignore your husband for a moment and let's get to the heart of the matter.
When my Grandmother was falling & needed more help at home - what she wanted was to be fit & young again! Sadly that did not happen.. She wanted to stay home but no home care really existed then. Family was next choice, but joining other households with school age children & all that goes with it was not right.
What she WANTED was her own space & not to be a burden on family. Plus what she needed was intermittent help.
So the dreaded AL became a choice she wanted afterall.
I have the greatest respect for anyone that's at home caring for a family. That's a great sacrifice. I know that's not easy and it's even harder for you because your kids have special needs.
But, your MIL will be moved into your house and you will become her caregiver if you don't go back to work. It totally sucks but it's the only way.
You say yourself that your husband clearly doesn't care if it's already overwhelming for you. He knows that you're backed into a corner because you're out of the workforce and are dependent on him. If you became not dependent on him, that would change everything.
Then you would have a choice. When that happens he will have respect.
After reading your story, I don't want to see your MIL move in and then you'll have to take on that burden on top of everything you already do. That's not fair or right. I hope your MIL refuses.
It's a real shame that people today including your husband have no respect for women that are housewives taking care of the home and family instead of going to a job. That's how it is though. When there's a woman who doesn't work outside the home people (including their own families) feel they are entitled to that woman's time and labor. If anyone needs caregiving for an elderly person or a baby sitter for the kids, they give that woman a call.
I'm going to give you some good but hard advice. I don't know how old your autistic kids are but if they're school-age put them in school. Being handicapped and special needs does not mean they cannot go to some kind of school. Then get a job. It will be good for your kids and good for you.
Your husband will then have to work out the living and care arrangements for his mother because you can't be her caregiver if you aren't home.
Get a job. It will be the best thing you ever did. You won't have to be responsible for being your MIL's caregiver. It will also give you a break from your kids. It's okay to need a break from your kids.
Good luck to you.
Your husband's mother was never married, so your DH became her everything. He was the surrogate husband, the son, the everything. He was the only child and the 'head of the household', so to speak. He became her universe and she became his universe. She never took care of herself and used food to cope with life. Now she's getting old and all that lack of self care has caught up by way of needing new knees, not being able to walk, climb stairs, and being 300 lbs. Which is turning out to be your husband's problem and in turn, your problem & your children's problem b/c your DH can't say No to his mother. She's his everything; he's been groomed for it his whole life. She has created a monster by forcing an unnatural situation upon him from birth.
And here's where it's your problem and your children's problem b/c he doesn't know what else to do except to keep taking care of his mother. At your expense.
He needs to agree to marriage counseling to understand how grown adults conduct normal relationships & what marriage looks like. About how to put his wife and children FIRST in life and relegate his mother to the backseat where she belongs *GASP* . He just doesn't understand that b/c he was trained that she was to be his entire world. Someone has to set him straight other than YOU. He will either learn how a good marriage works or he won't. And then you will need to make a decision based on the outcome.
Do you allow this woman to move in and destroy your life and your children's lives b/c your husband doesn't have the chutzpah to say no, or, do you ask your husband to leave and move in with mother so the two of them can continue their lives together as it has been since they were a unit (until you came along)?
Those are the choices as I see it. He either learns how to be a functional husband in a functional marriage or he moves back in with mommy and the two of them live happily ever after. If it were me, I would NEVER allow a 300 lb dysfunctional mother in law to move in on my world when I had special needs children to take care of. Not in a million years. It's inappropriate and unreasonable in every way imaginable. Even your MIL isn't really on board with the idea, which tells you how unreasonable your DH is being!
Wishing you the very best of luck. I sincerely hope your DH is capable of getting the counseling he needs to understand priorities and just how important YOU and his children are to him. Sending you a hug and a prayer.
You also say "He doesn't care what she wants". Your husband sounds worse and worse all the time. Is this his usual behavior? And "it was a disaster" when you were in hospital and he had to cope on his own. What sort of disaster? You really need marriage guidance. Divorce sounds just around the corner. Perhaps make it a real threat.
Frank discussions about the future of her house sound like they are needed. To keep it in the family - does its actual worth, dollar value, and sentimental value versus maintenance costs and future value merit that? Are there family members yearning for the day they can move into it? Or is this a clinging to a past ideal of a life that was in the past but can never be again? I’ve been there - anyone in our family would have knocked down the old, deteriorating house and built new if we *had* to live there (no one wanted to), but the clinging-to idea was it would be like it was fifty years ago when it really was the family home.
It does sound like you three are on a good discussion path. Best wishes for all of you continuing it.
Hogwash.
I would make two appointments this week. One for a marriage counselor and one for a divorce lawyer.
Maybe finding out that he's going become poverty stricken due to paying child support and alimony will open his eyes.
Or maybe a good marriage counselor can help him see another path.
Secondly, falling should be the least of your husband's worries. That's a lot of weight, no wonder she has a hard time walking. My Aunt weighed close to 300 pounds at one time and she couldn't walk and due to the weight she needed knee surgery. Eventually she lost the weight (on her own) and was able to walk better (she only had 1 knee done).
What really gets me is your husband's lack of consideration for you. He is being so unreasonable not you.
Like others have said you need to have a serious talk with him and if he's the type that doesn't listen then YOU need to go talk to a therapist or marriage counselor by yourself just to vent and hopefully get good advice.
Maybe once your husband knows you are seeking outside help for you he may think twice.
If it were me and I was not dependent on my husband for money I would pack my bags for myself and children and leave but that's me. Sadly money always plays a huge part.
I wish you the very best,
Jenna
Why are you dependent on your husband for money? What a situation to have to be at the mercy of someone else's mood or fancy.
It makes me sick every day that I haven't been employed for a while because I'm the only caregiver to my mother. Mainly it's for financial reasons because the thought of handing my childhood home over to a greedy nursing home makes me even sicker.
I worked as an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years. It's not easy work and for more than a couple of those years the pay wasn't great. I never let myself be financially dependent on anyone. Not since I was 17 years old. Not on my parents or either of my husbands.
Being an in-home caregiver isn't the best of jobs, but any day of the week I'd rather clean sh*t then have to eat it.
You need to get a job. Then pack your bags and go if you want out. When both people in the relationship work and earn they are equals and then there's respect. That kind of respect only happens when there isn't financial dependency on the other person.
When you earn your own money the choice of staying or leaving is up to you and that changes everything.
When you don't have your own money that choice is up to the other person. Get yourself a job.
This may be a difficult conversation because you are making it clear that you don’t want her to come and live with you. However sooner or later she is going to know that you don’t want it to happen, and sooner with reasons is the best option for both of you. Talk it through before it goes wrong, and show that you respect her views. With luck, you’ll find that she isn’t keen on the idea herself, and she will put a stop to it immediately. Then you can move on with the other sensible options.
He's not looking out for ANYBODY! He is panicking for no good reason (old people fall. All the time...I felt guilty that my mom fell in her AL with TWO aides in the room; you know what the discharge planner/RN told me? HER mother fell with 3 RNs in the room; she, the discharge planner was one of them!)
Get her a fall alert pendant if he's worried she'll fall while alone.
House stays in the family? Why is that?
Isn't it your MIL's choice where to live and whether to sell her home?
How many hours a day does he intent to have "home health" come in? What happens when she needs help when they aren't there?
According to your profile, your mil has diabetes and bad mobility. Does she control her blood sugar? If she weighs 300 lbs., then it sounds like she is not controlling her diet. What was she hospitalized for when she ended up in rehab?
You've been marred 22 years -- this will wreck your marriage if she moves in, as well as your health. Does he care?
"Next month" will be here in less than a week. Please figure out your plan if he puts his foot down and says his mother WILL move in. Can we help you figure that out here?