I’m 66 and have become the caregiver for my 80 year old sister. We are/were best friends and she lived across the country. I started noticing mental decline on my visits in 2020. She is twice widowed and lived alone, still driving and independent, but going downhill.
Her daughter and I decided (with her cooperation) to move her to a retirement community very near me a year ago. Her daughter lives in another state so helpful administratively, but not hands on.
My sister has a lovely apartment with a full kitchen and meals in dining rooms around the community.
We are very fortunate that she has resources. In the last six months, she has declined mentally dramatically. We have hired caregivers for several hours a day and she goes to memory day care 2x a week. I cover Tuesdays and weekends and still feel guilty for “passing her off." My family is not happy I have taken on so much.
Blah, blah, blah. My question is whether to move her to memory care or hire caregivers 24/7 when it comes to that.
Appreciate any advice!
Trish
However, what are YOUR concerns?
You pose the question to us due to how you are feeling about it -
uncertain?
guilty?
tired/exhausted?
want more quality time for yourself/your life
- this is OKAY to feel and want, although it sounds like you feel some guilt around this desire - which could be partially why you are asking us. (And good for you for reaching out to us!)
- torn because xxx (write this out for you. Sometimes writing and seeing in b/w provides a different perspective).
* We are on the outside looking in and that is all we can do.
* Your heart will know what to do.
* And, therapy may help you figure out how you feel and what is right for you, and your sister.
* I am thinking more so of you/r - quality of life and your age. You deserve to live more of your life without this stress, no matter how much you love her, it is stressful. This isn't to say that you do not care, clearly you are a very loving sister. However, it seems to me that having your sister reside in memory care will serve both of you well.
- You will have as much access to her as you wish.
- You can take her out as you wish.
- She will be with constant (employees / CNA - she will get to know them) vs the possibility of caregivers 'coming and going' (and as one response here indicated, they may cancel a shift and then you are on again, and in an emergency situation. You do not need this responsibility (at 66) ...
(As you indicate), you are grateful you/she has financial options. In the nicest of ways to say. this "take advantage of these resources" - This is, in part, what they are for -
* When your negative 'self-talk' comes up, reframe it to positive words "I am doing what is in the best interest of xxx (sister's name). I will continue to do everything I can for her. I know she would want me to be happy and enjoy my life as much as possible."
- You can come up with your own positive responses. Write them down and read them.
Gena / Touch Matters
The range of activities and the amount and where the memory is affected in MC differ quite a bit between MC. You will need to find one that is compatible with you and your sister's needs and living. Because you want to see her, I would thoroughly investigate their visitation policy. Does your sister watch the television or use the internet? If so, you would want to find somewhere that has amenities that are close to what she uses now.
MC living usually comes with toileting, giving her a bath, laundry, medication management as well as 3 meals plus snacks and socialization.
Once you find something that you truly like and you think she will like/benefit, it will make sense to you, to move her to the facility.
You wrote: "My family is not happy I have taken on so much." Is this your own husband and kids? If so, it sounds like you are not as available for them as they would like. If you unable to portion your time successfully between them and your sister, I would suggest that you get a therapist to help you with this. Moving your sister to a MC unit, may not satisfy their concerns.
There will be a sign for you to know it's time. She forgets a pot on the stove when someone isn't there, she gets lost going from point A to B. If her current downhill has her in a rather in between state, it might be time to move her now before she wanders or does something to put herself in danger due to so much freedom. Plus moving her now will familiarize her with new surroundings and may not cause as much confusion for her if you wait.
You say she is still driving, but have you ridden in the car with her recently? She may be past the time of driving safely or knowing where she is all the time. I would not let her drive alone anymore if you are seeing a decline. And definitely get her a medical alert with gps so you can see where she is at all times. lively.com makes a great one, even on sale right now for about $35, regular $50. Plus a monthly fee of about $23. You can order from lively.com, but I think Walmart still sells them too. Enter all the contact numbers in order you want to be called, doctor and med info, etc. Then you can go online if you want to see where she is. Might take a few time of reminding her to wear it, but it is very helpful
Sister sister, how many years have you personally been the Caregiver. You said her daughter and you. Made this decision, yet did you converse with your ok immediate family. Mmmmmm. Yes decline if a human being does come. Did you two think of that . Family first and yes you have one . They are feeling know negative towards this decision.
She has a daughter, how did she avoid this and to live her life . The Bible says honor they mother & father. ( No disrespect)
Finicial have you even inquire the monthly price of a month base on assessment clost to $11,000.
Which you would be better off 24/7 care service . She's 80 of Glory Age.
Memory Care does there part , yet when she declines past to their inquirement if care. You would be looking for Nursing Home.
Strong suggestion One stop shop a facility that has it all as she declines. She stays in that facility. They gave different sections for that. Also get that daughter on board 100%. The decision should be hers. Are you her POA Medically/Finicial. Ok just telephone a couple memory care just for a ruff price . Do your homework, also if she has a house and receiving medicare /medicaid they will take her property. Get someone else's name in deed if she's able to sign . Call Elders Law they assistance great also Area For The Aging . Telephone her PCP they can do a lot with a stroke of a pin .
Peace been there .Roller Coaster
Brown Sugar ☮️
My sister also has Alzheimers and for the last two years, we have had 24 hour home care. She is physically perfect. She walks several miles every day. Her memory is terrible and her judgment is poor. She has been adamant for years about staying in her own home and financially is able to do so.
I will tell you, it took a while for the agency to find 24 hour care. We have been blessed to have excellent caregivers. BUT, it still takes a lot of management from my end. And, it IS extremely expensive.
If your sister is agreeable, I would recommend MC as soon as possible, while she is able to socialize and settle in.
You could start out by having her go to a few activities in the MC so she gets to know staff and some residents. (Is /if the Memory Day Care is in the same building or in the MC unit that works perfectly)
You could then tell her that her apartment is due for some repairs and she could then move in to the MC.
She is lucky to have you looking out for her.
Plus they will have activities that will keep her busy if she so chooses.
Your sister will be just fine in memory care and you will be able to get back to just being her sister and advocate.
Home caregivers cannot provide as much care as a facility can. Socializing is better in a facility. Equipment is already there, and you don't have to buy it, rent it, clean it, find a place to put it, and make sure the caregivers know how to use it. On and on and on - I've done it for both parents. I'll never do it again as long as there's another option.
There's also an issue of personalities. The home caregivers must get along with each other and be able to cooperate. You'll need insurance to cover them in case they hurt themselves taking care of the patient. You'll need to master and manage the payroll taxes.
If sister is in a facility, you might be able to take more time off. Tuesdays and weekends is way too much time to take away from your own life.
I hope she's not still driving. If so, you'd better address that right away.
There is no room for guilt when dealing with a person who has dementia. You do the best you can and accept the facts of the matter.
I have 2 in homes 1 AL the other MC, both are well cared for and safe, they are just where they need to be.
Listen to your family, they must come first. Becoming self absorbed with your sisters issues will help no one.
Resume your life with your own family. You can be an advocate for your sister and visit as often as you like.
Best wishes to you and your sister.