Mom is 91 years old and is getting very demented. She can’t do anything for herself, except for the bathing and dressing which is getting more difficult. All she does all day is ask me questions about stupid things like what is that blue thing outside. It goes on like this all day every day and I honestly can’t take it anymore; patience has run out! My sister takes care of her the rest of the year because she works from home but honestly she will see a difference when mom goes back home. She canceled me to take mom for the summer's but I’m done how can I convince my brother and sister it’s time for assisted-living?
It's way past the time for you to say " I can't do this anymore, sis. Is it better for mom to be in AL near you, near us or near brother?"
When our family had this conversation, we made the decision based upon cost, access to good medical care and which sibling had the best and most flexible schedule in case in emergencies.
This won't be easy. But you have recognized your limitation. Simply let your Sister and you Brother know this. They may feel they have to accuse and abuse; hopefully not. If they do, simply gently lay down the phone and walk away.
Some don’t even like suggestions but if the OP handles it this way she comes across only as making the decision that she will no longer be responsible for her mother’s caregiving.
The ball is then in her siblings court to make a wise decision or not. As long as the OP doesn’t want to be involved in the decision of where mom is placed, this idea works beautifully. The stress level goes down to nothing regarding the matter because she isn’t involved any longer.
When does your mother go back to your sister's place? Summer is almost over - Saturday, September 22nd to be exact.
As BarbBrooklyn pointed out, you and your sister had had enough of caring for your mother last year. Who kept trying to make it work?
I would write a letter to your sister and copy your brother on it explaining what you've observed this summer and how you feel going forward and send it back in your mother's bag. Phrases like
"All mother did all day was ask me questions like what is that blue thing outside. It went on like that all day and every day"
"I feel that I must step away from helping with mother for my own wellbeing"
"I feel that our mother's dementia has worsened and she would be better off in memory care"
"I have researched memory cares within driving distance of all of us and believe mother would be well cared for at any one of these"
"I hope you, me and brother agree that mother's needs are only going to increase"
All you can do is be honest about how you feel and establish healthy boundaries for yourself. If your sister and brother want to keep trying to roll the stone up the hill, that's their choice. By writing the letter they cannot say they didn't know how bad it gotten for you.
I feel like you expressed yourself very clearly to the forum so tell your family the same thing that you told us.
You can even wait for responses given here if you like and let her read outside objective opinions for herself.
If my suggestion about the posts doesn’t appeal to you, disregard it. You know your sister and most likely know how she would respond.
Best wishes to you and your family. I sincerely hope that you will find a suitable living facility for your mother as soon as possible. You can visit her and be a daughter instead of her caregiver.
I realize Covid has changed certain things but if visiting is allowed wherever she is placed you and your sister can go to see her without the burden of daily care.
You have an extremely tough job. Your mom has Alzheimer’s disease. My mom has Parkinson’s disease but without dementia.
My godmother had ALZ. I would go see my father in the hospital then stop at the nursing home to see my godmother for a short while. It was heartbreaking to see this once vibrant woman deteriorate.
I can’t imagine how it must be seeing your mom this way. They are no longer the same person inside.
You’re right. You will make it. I do hope that your sister is cooperative about your mom’s care. It’s time. It’s most likely past time for her to receive proper care with a staff. One person simply can’t do it all.
I nearly killed myself trying to raise my kids, be a wife and a caregiver all at once. It’s never easy for anyone.
Stick around you will hear many stories. Many will be more applicable to your situation than mine because their parents or spouse has Alzheimer’s disease like your mom.
Take care. Many hugs for you.
It's difficult indeed. But things need to change. Maybe talk to a social who can help.
Family conference, in person, Zoom, whatever. Try to stay away from anything but why mom will get the best, most loving care 24/7. You and your sister KNOW that your patience is wearing then and that you’re exhausted.
You can't be responsible for what others do, but you can decide that YOU will not participate in the caregiving anymore.
They may not wish to 'rock the apple cart' (especially if it is working for them). I don't think you need to waste time trying to convince them, put your energies into researching the next steps insted. What agencies can advice you about funding & types of places?
My suggestion is don't ask the sibs to accept your new direction - it's going to happen - ask them to join you making the new plan.