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I am so serious that I want her out of my life.

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my husbands long time problematic older prescription drug addict sister in Los Angeles died last week. So, on top of everything else, he had to fly out there to get her cremated and flown back to Texas. She has been calling mommy and begging for money for 30 years and to hear her cry over her daughter and and say I should have sent her more money made me want to throw up. Gosh, it is all SO SICK. As tragic as it is, it is a HUGE relief to at least have her gone so we don't have to worry about her anymore. Mom went into a tail spin but at least she is not calling like she did. Her mom is starting to slip and I am grateful that she is not calling incessantly like she did.
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AmyGrace - just read your post and your mother and mine could be clones. We are starting the process of moving her from IL to AL, as you did. But, the one thing I absolutely will refuse to do from that point forward (once she is situated in AL) is to cater to her whims about whether/what she will eat, etc. She'll either get herself to the dining room for meals and/or the snack area or she's going to be very hungry. I'm not against putting some yogurt or pastries in the fridge that will be in her room but all of the rest of the responsibilities you are still shouldering (washing/ironing, etc.) will not be coming from me. I really wish for your sake that you could draw that line in the sand as you will never get your life back, as you say you need. We are about the same age and it's not fair to your or your family to have to continue to do all of what you still do. Yes, our parents have very strong holds over us but guilt is probably the overriding emotion driving you to continue to be so present. I do know that my mother is not yet in the AL but after reading your, and other posts, I'm definitely going to be prepared from the outset to keep those boundaries.....hugs for comfort and strength to disengage from the situation as you describe it.....
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Long story, but Mom hasn't been happy or content since my father passed 40 years ago. She re-married 10 years later but didn't love him (just needed a man to tell her what to do) she still never enjoyed anything, never wanted to have fun, refused to travel, wouldn't fly and she had chances for European trips - nope, no hobbies, no interests, even in books, just interested in what family is doing. That is her personality. I would kill myself out of boredom if I had nothing to interest me and didn't want to go anywhere, do anything or socialize with anyone, but that is her. She is super negative (on antidepressants for a while but half the time didn't take them), and emotionally dependent on sis because she made the mistake of encouraging them to live on the same street, and then enabled them both. When he died 15 years ago, the fun started. Anorexia, dehydration, panic attacks in the night, depression, crying, whining victim etc. Sis got it all. I just heard it on the phone and when I visited, always tears and negativity. Dementia was fairly mild then but as it got worse ten years ago, we moved her to IL where she was equally miserable and progressively less independent and in denial. A few months ago we moved her to AL. What does one do with a person with no interests who enjoys being negative and denies herself any form of pleasure? Then add dementia. It is certainly a formula for misery. Its pretty weird since people like that usually want to die out of boredom and self dislike, but she cares what other people think of her (not her children though) and thinks she should live forever and feel good even at 100. I pity her, really, because she is what she is - but wow, I can't stand to be around such negativity for very long. Its infectious and draining!
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Pretty spot on comment AmyGrace. I especially related to the "I love her, or did...". Twenty years you say you've had of this? I feel terrible complaining about just 5/6. I try to reach out to those who understand and listen and hope, like you do, that her dementia doesn't destroy "the last vestige of good love and joy of life from me". I am also in my early 60's and completely, utterly weary of it all. Plan as best you can for your future so this (your mother's situation) won't be yours. I am thinking the same thing.
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You are not alone. And yes, sometimes I feel a lot of guilt because being with Mom always makes me irritable and angry at her and I can't wait to go home and I wish I didn't feel that way. However, feelings just are - you can change your behavior and hide your feelings, but they are what they are. And they are usually the result of reacting to an outside situation. Mom doesn't even try - and that is not the dementia - that is who she has been for 40 years. She is now in AL, so she is safer and someone checks on her which she didn't have in IL. She gets help with incontinence and her hearing aids and now medication but other than that, she refuses to cooperate with them at all (but we pay none the less), and she barely eats the meals. Nothing has changed for me from when she was in IL. I now have to make an 80 mile round trip every week instead of 30 miles. I am still shopping for food because she refuses to go to breakfast, barely eats, so I supply what she will eat - sweets & yogurt, ensure. I'm still washing and ironing her blouses & jackets & pants because she will wear the same thing every day and never put it in the laundry basket and would pull it out if I did. I repeat - she will NOT let them help her with anything! And I'm doing all the finances, making all appointments and taking her to most of them myself, etc. So, yeah, I'm resentful and I want my life back, so I am not constantly thinking about and anticipating her needs. I love her, or did, but after 20 years of total lack of cooperation and negativity I'm emotionally exhausted. The one positive is at least I don't have to live with her and listen to her complain all day or follow me around, or volunteer a negative comment for every bit of fun we might want to have, or complain if we left her alone, or complain she wants to go home if we take her, or worry about her going up the stairs or doing something dangerous she knows she shouldn't. That, alone, is worth the outrageous cost of the AL! If dementia destroys the last vestige of good, love and joy of life from me, I hope I just go to sleep and not wake up. I never want to interfere with my children's their way of life or stick them with an unwanted and difficult obligation in their own retirement years. I am in my 60's and we are beginning to plan for our own old age, so that doesn't happen.
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1Naturelover, I'm sorry to hear that your dependent MIL has that much power over your husband and somewhat surprised that your marriage has survived a mother/son relationship like that. It's not right or healthy for widowed mom's to make their sons into emotional substitutes for their deceased spoiling husbands. On the other hand it was not right for the husband to spoil her. It is so difficult for some adults to relate to other adults as adults, plus some adult want to stay emotional children all of their lives.
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Not to mention what it has done to my husband who then, in turn, is always
tired, irritable and I had to take a back seat for over a year because of his mother because she lost her husband (her life line who waited on her hand and food). He couldn't work and I had to carry the load...... which makes me
even like her less. There comes a point when it is not in the best interest of anybody anymore.
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Yeah, I do. The best was when I was spending 10-12 hours a day at the hospital to keep her company and be the patient advocate since she didn't understand the doctors and she told me I looked haggard. At least I lost the weight I needed to. A month later when in the hospital with pneumonia, she was more than happy to sign the DNR and didn't understand why it didn't work right away.
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Well, if there is absolutely no quality of life, wearing diapers, the lawmakers really should legalize euthanasia. Alzheimer's IS a terminal illness. If family can't care for their own kin, they should legalize it. Eventually this is going to become a reality since Medicaid is running dry.........FAST. No money, no care. Nobody (except family) works for free. As for the inheritance, the nursing homes take it all anyway so what difference would it make.
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I just had a bit of "fun" my husband said he would stay with my mother for a few hours tonight so I could get some things done at home (you, know that place? It is getting to be a dim memory) He was just livid when I got back, said she was talking "gibberish" moving pillows and hiding bananas in her pants, all I could say was "welcome to my world" (as$hole) * said that one in my head* lol.
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Oh my goodness, I just hope that the other drivers on I-5 think I'm talking on the car phone, because I do hold major vent sessions on the drive into town when alone in my car. LOL I simply just love this website. I don't know how many times you all have helped me feel better.
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That's an interesting thought, about how we put an animal to sleep to help it get past its suffering.
In the last three or four years a couple pets got really old -- one with cancer, and one with kidney failure. We didn't want to let go because animals are so sweet and grateful and you don't want to just give up on them, but after a while, when they can't or don't want to eat, they just lay in a corner, or they lose bowel control (which happened with our dog) we just took them in, made sure we weren't being rash by having the vet give them a look-over, and made the hard decision. Otherwise they'll just keep wasting away until they can't move or eat and possibly starve to death (without intervention) because they can't do that anymore.
Again you don't want to send someone to an early grave as a money grab, but there is a point where it isn't a life anymore, really. Is there anything they can enjoy? Can they do little things for themselves?
If it's someone old and feeble but who still enjoys watching some TV or reading books or whatever, that's one thing, but if it's someone who can't think straight or is acting like a big baby (as in diapers, being fed, etc.) it's time to go.
It's true: You do want peace, both for yourself and for the loved one. And you don't want to watch a loved one suffer either.
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Nature Lover that's an interesting point. When my father was dying in agony and needing increasing but not lethal amounts of morphine. I said to the doctor that you wouldnt do this to a dog why do it to my dad. She was the sweetest of doctors and said simply that 'we have no choice my dear it is our sworn oath as doctors - the Hippocratic oath. Now having looked at this and there are now "versions" of it the oath is not followed in the UK at least

..... I will keep them from harm and injustice. (followed)

I will neither give a deadly drug to anybody who asked for it (followed), nor will I make a suggestion to this effect (followed). Similarly I will not give to a woman an abortive remedy.....(NOT FOLLOWED)
....What I may see or hear in the course of the treatment or even outside of the treatment in regard to the life of men, which on no account one must spread abroad, I will keep to myself, holding such things shameful to be spoken about.(not followed where criminal intent is at risk)
So why then do they make the end of life so painful difficult and quite frankly insensitive to the needs of the sick?
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I believe most people that have written in this thread all want the same thing.......peace. When people live longer than they realistically should and can no longer take care of themselves, Modern medicine keeps bodies going
far longer than they should. If the old mind is going, nothing would be wrong with a peaceful injection to end all suffering. We do it for animals that we so love when it is time, because it is out of an "act of love" for them.
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After seeing my parents going threw one sickness after another and now my husband being sick on top of everything I am not against euthanasia. My parents are miserable and Mom calls me everyday to say that she wishes God would take her. She says that God doesn't even want her. They brought her back to life two times with drugs. Doctors just save life and not really care about the quality of the life after physical recovery from sickness or surgery. I for one want to live in a state that gives me a choice of assisted suicide. I really want that choice. Washington State is one of those states and I know there are others. I have seen people kept alive in nursing homes from 5 to 9 years as vegetables at 15,000 dollars a month. Especially if they are self paid. If you asked me this question in 2011 I would have given you another answer but when I started to take care of my parents 2012 up to the present an see the suffering is the reason I have come to this conclusion.
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There is the case of some people wanting a family member to die to cash in. I am against that, but in my case I don't care about money. I might get a bit from -- maybe a couple thousand dollars, I'm not sure -- my mom when she passes, but I don't care and am not counting on it. If she finds she loves her neighbor more because he fetches her cigarettes and wants to give everything to him, I don't really care. I asked for a few stamps from my father's stamp collection, as a sentimental thing -- I doubt most are worth everything. I mainly wanted a few to maybe make a memento out of them, but she thinks I'm a crook trying to clean her out and said no. She also cut off all contact with the entire family and destroyed family photos because she was mad at my dad or an aunt. So my inheritance from her is the memory of a very confused, angry and mentally ill woman, and loss of family -- in part, my fault, because I took her side all those years ago.
That's not quite a euthanasia thing, but more in my situation I just want some peace. If she lives another 20 years, fine. I just want to live in relative happiness and peace, and it'd be nice if she did, too, but I doubt she does. I just don't want to be dragged down into her misery anymore, and I'm trying to find ways to get beyond it.
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Ah, I hear ya. Hang in there and good luck!
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I'm against euthanasia...a quick read on here, and you find way too many stories of siblings who want nothing but a quick inheritance instead of providing care for Mom or Dad...but a common thought and understandable to want relief from the stresses and duties of caring for someone when these seems to be none in sight, and the rewards are few to none.
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Salisbury, you have an interesting point about them worrying because we take care of them. I sometimes think that about my mom. Right now we are in a bad spot because she imagines odd stuff, like my husband stealing a Garfield figurine from her (which she is convinced is worth hundreds of dollars).
She told us not to call her anymore, and if we didn't turn in her keys she'd call the police. I told her, go ahead, and she didn't. I figure I still need a key in case she doesn't answer the phone or a neighbor alerts me (she probably changed the lock, again, anyways), but we've only heard from her once in 6 weeks, and that was when we wanted me or my husband to go fetch her prescriptions for xanax or vicodin (or something like it). So, needless to say, we felt used. No love lost, no missing us, no wanting to chat, but just we're needed to go pick up her dope because her neighbor wouldn't do it for her that day.
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I go to bed every night praying that God would be merciful enough to take my mom in her sleep and give her and myself peace. She is in the hospital right now because of drug interaction that has caused another step down in her dementhia. I have her in a home after trying to care for her for three and half years. At one point we had four generations living under one roof. My mom is in a home but they have not been dealing with her agression in the evening. I will have to look for a skilled facility now. No you have just said outloud what most of us keep to ourselves so others don't feel ill of us.
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Possibly...just possibly, they are worried about us because we are taking care of them. We are the last resort, so to speak. If we deconstruct, who will do it? One of my mom's recent fixations was her fear that I would move away to be closer to my grandchildren. She told everyone in the "place" that I was moving away. Total strangers were asking me when I was moving and looked truly perplexed when I said that I wasn't.

At the root of it was my mom's fear of not having me to mange/take care of everything. BUT that was before she went to the Senior Behavioral Clinic. Now, she is happy to see me whenever I arrive. I can talk about my grandchildren, I don't mention actually seeing them, or any travel. And, thanks to the good people who make and develop these miracle medications, we have nice visits. All's well that ends well.
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I have to laugh at 2Tired and daughter52's comments about "do you feel alright." I don't exactly get that, but my mom sees the worst in everything. A migraine is brain cancer. A sniffle is killer flu. If I have a bit of dark circles under my eyes I have a serious health problem. I'm not sure if she's feeling close to the grave or if she's trying to shove me into mine.
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I have to agree with cetude, too. It's too expensive and difficult to really help a person is such a state of decline. Dementia is one thing, and it has its stages, but as it gets worse and a person forgets how to do the littlest things to survive ... pull the plug.
In some cases I think it should be an option for people in earlier stages, or there needs to be a system in place to really help someone who needs the help.
It can't all be about a doctor asking a person 10 questions and letting a person go back home because they know what month it is and how to repeat back five words.
And it shouldn't be a burden to family, to watch this family member decline and go through the ups and downs. It's one thing to be mildly forgetful, but when a person is hostile, constantly depresses or in constant pain, or a threat to themselves or others, or they forget to eat or they can't take their pills correctly.
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Well I do worry about assisted death but some assisted living is not good either. To that end I have written a do not resuscitate (a living will we call a DNR in the UK) which prevents any doctor anywhere from medicating me if I have no chance of returning to a full and useful life, as I am making the decision now, while I am competent to do so, that I do not want this to happen. The only medication I will accept is pain relief. As for the feelings h*ll anyone who truly has never felt like this must be a saint. I feel like it all the time well not all but a large part of it!
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Daughter52, I do the same thing in the car!!! Wow...I thought maybe I was just going crazy!
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1naturelover...you made me laugh!! Thanks for that!! I agree that the few hours I work outside of my home have become such treasured time for me. What a great idea to keep a gratitude journal! As much as I complain, there are so many things to be thankful for and I don't want to ever forget that. I keep going back and forth between complaining and being thankful!
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1Naturelover....I thought I was reading my own entry when I read yours. Yes...the car rides alone are a great release for me as well. They provide needed thinking time and venting time (yes, I do it out loud when I'm alone in the car). I also have started and stopped lists of gratitude. Every little bit helps. My hope is that one day I will actually 'feel' as grateful as I write.
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I just wish my d##n vindictive siblings would leave me alone while I provide much necessary care for folks!
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Before heading to work this morning, which I have truly come to love......since it is a welcome escape these days, I wanted to say I AM thankful for being able
to let off steam and vent on these posts. IF I didn't do it, an old lady may have been taken out by now . : D We are all just human and can only take so much. I woke up this morning thinking, I am working on again on my gratitude journal.... to find things to be grateful for each day again.
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Ah, Cetude,

I hear you BUT it is most impolitic to state the obvious.

Your numbers are right, of course. But this is such a huge topic that it would be better to start a new question. Do you know how to do that? Go to the home page, click on Caregiver Forum, and go down to "Ask a Question."
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