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I like to say that it takes two. Kind of meaning if someone starts something, it can't go on it you don't react. Those with dementia don't often have the normal inhibitions we have as we go through life trying to "make nice" and "not say the wrong thing". As said below, theirs is a different world. YOUR mind is the one that is functioning great now; so you will be held to the higher standard. There are a few books out there that while fiction, are great reads that attempt to tell about the world from the perspective of the patient with dementia. The one I love most was written by a woman who worked as a volunteer in memory care for many years. The book is Still Time and it was written by Jean Hegland. On Amazon used really inexpensive I suspect. Best of luck out to you. Often the gentle answer of "That's interesting; I am going to think about what you said. You could be right" is just easier. (which reminds me of a funny story the time my brother tried that with my daughter, his niece. He said "You could be right" and she knew he didn't think so and so shot back "I AM RIGHT!!!! Now what are you going to DO about it". We all laughed for a half hour.
Much of their behavior is a reaction to our own behavior or responses. It may not be what we say but how we say it. Never suggest she is mistaken, wrong about something or be contradictive. That'll result in confrontation. Her reality has changed, so must yours. There are some good suggestions below from others- enter into their world, don't argue or explain, and redirect her attention. None of this is intuitive because the first thing we want to do is to correct someone when we know that what they're saying is incorrect. Your mom is on a predetermined path of dementia. You will have to change your expectations and accommodate her life as much as possible.
There's much to learn thru experience as a caregiver, but you can get ahead of the game by educating yourself about her disease. EDUCATE, EDUCATE, EDUCATE!! Teepa Snow and Careblazers on YouTube are great to learn from. MMlearn.com has good videos also. Along with "The 36 Hour Day" you can add "Learning to Speak Alzheimer's" .
No reason? They have a reason they do not agree with what you are saying.
One of the first things to learn about being a dementia caregiver is that you need to enter their world. You need to realize they have lost their ability to reason and make sense of things. Above all try to stop the arguing, you are the only one that can.
Do not try to explain to them, they will never understand and will only get frustrated and agitated making for an even more difficult situation. Learn to redirect, learn what they enjoy, LEARN PATIENCEl
Are the things you are arguing about really that important in the whole scheme of things? Learn to let it go, you will never win.
.... for the arguing and trying to explain .... even if what she believes is something along the lines “ you are torturing me (when I am actually helping her) or you don’t care (when I do in deed more than words),...” I always through that trying to explain otherwise is better than letting her believe such a hurtful lie (her daughter doesn’t care and is torturing her,....etc) I mean when it’s relational stuff that’s under question, is it still better not to argue or explain, ....? Or May be choose a better timing when she is less irritable,...
Time & place issues; I must get going now, I have to meet my children after school & cook dinner. I am NOT going to stay here! (children now probably 60 yrs +).
Inventing connections over holes in comprehension; You stole my wallet!! The wallet is not there & you are...so...you must have stolen it!
Memory issues of course; I already washed today! (Nope, that would be about a week ago by the smell of ya!)
Or just plain old argumentative for fun; I want a cup of black tea. Well where's the milk? I only wanted a drop - is that too much to ask? THAT'S not enough! Oh, that's too much now! It will be cold! And where's the sugar? This cup has no handle? Well why is on that side? Is there any TEA in it? A bee would be thirsty with that small amount. Surely you could spare a biscuit to go with it?
If any of you have lovely old dears like that... all day, every day... I truly sympathize 😭😭😭
Go to Alzheimers.org and read all about dementia and Alzheimer's. Watch Teepa Snow videos on YouTube and buy some books on the subject, too. The 36 Hour Day is a good one, plus lots of others on Amazon.com
Dementia changes brain function, structure and ability. Their reasoning skills disappear, so argumentative behavior becomes their new normal. Who knows "why"? If I knew that, I'd be able to stop my demented mother from arguing every single word I say. Sigh. Frustrations run high, so try not to argue...just agree and distract. It's hard, I know.
There's a ton to learn about dementia, especially if you are caring for someone who's afflicted. The best thing to do is read the forum and the resources I've mentioned to familiarize yourself with dementia.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Often the gentle answer of "That's interesting; I am going to think about what you said. You could be right" is just easier.
(which reminds me of a funny story the time my brother tried that with my daughter, his niece. He said "You could be right" and she knew he didn't think so and so shot back "I AM RIGHT!!!! Now what are you going to DO about it". We all laughed for a half hour.
There's much to learn thru experience as a caregiver, but you can get ahead of the game by educating yourself about her disease. EDUCATE, EDUCATE, EDUCATE!! Teepa Snow and Careblazers on YouTube are great to learn from. MMlearn.com has good videos also. Along with "The 36 Hour Day" you can add "Learning to Speak Alzheimer's" .
One of the first things to learn about being a dementia caregiver is that you need to enter their world. You need to realize they have lost their ability to reason and make sense of things. Above all try to stop the arguing, you are the only one that can.
Do not try to explain to them, they will never understand and will only get frustrated and agitated making for an even more difficult situation. Learn to redirect, learn what they enjoy, LEARN PATIENCEl
Are the things you are arguing about really that important in the whole scheme of things? Learn to let it go, you will never win.
even if what she believes is something along the lines “ you are torturing me (when I am actually helping her) or you don’t care (when I do in deed more than words),...” I always through that trying to explain otherwise is better than letting her believe such a hurtful lie (her daughter doesn’t care and is torturing her,....etc)
I mean when it’s relational stuff that’s under question, is it still better not to argue or explain, ....? Or May be choose a better timing when she is less irritable,...
Time & place issues;
I must get going now, I have to meet my children after school & cook dinner. I am NOT going to stay here! (children now probably 60 yrs +).
Inventing connections over holes in comprehension;
You stole my wallet!! The wallet is not there & you are...so...you must have stolen it!
Memory issues of course;
I already washed today! (Nope, that would be about a week ago by the smell of ya!)
Or just plain old argumentative for fun;
I want a cup of black tea. Well where's the milk? I only wanted a drop - is that too much to ask? THAT'S not enough! Oh, that's too much now! It will be cold! And where's the sugar? This cup has no handle? Well why is on that side? Is there any TEA in it? A bee would be thirsty with that small amount. Surely you could spare a biscuit to go with it?
If any of you have lovely old dears like that... all day, every day... I truly sympathize 😭😭😭
Dementia changes brain function, structure and ability. Their reasoning skills disappear, so argumentative behavior becomes their new normal. Who knows "why"? If I knew that, I'd be able to stop my demented mother from arguing every single word I say. Sigh. Frustrations run high, so try not to argue...just agree and distract. It's hard, I know.
There's a ton to learn about dementia, especially if you are caring for someone who's afflicted. The best thing to do is read the forum and the resources I've mentioned to familiarize yourself with dementia.
Good luck!