Ok I really could use some insight or ideas on how to deal with this.
Most of this is in my bio but a quick rehash. A few months ago my Mom got hurt. Plus my Uncle had a serious health incident (we weren't sure what was wrong at the time but we found out it is stage 4 lung cancer and plaques on his brain). So Mother called us distraught so my brother and I made the 600 mile drive to find out what was up. Now 3 yrs ago Mom came up north here to ”help” my Grandmother. So Mom's hurt, Grandma is almost 90 and her memory is failing somewhat on top of just age related decline and to be quite frank... Grandma is kinda lazy and likes people fawning over her. Both Mom & Grandma should win awards for their dramatics. So my younger brother and I figured the best way to figure out what was going on for sure was to make the trip. Well we were told the Dr told Mom hip replacement was a possibility but she hadn't seen the orthopedic surgeon for confirmation. Being a nurse I know that a bare minimum of 8 weeks post op and therapy. So I stayed to help because I had a bit of cushion and wasn't working just yet despite some job offers. My lucky brother didn't have that option...he had to go back to work. We were always taught family first and help where you can if needed. My personal ethos has always been *Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you*, *Speak your truth* and * Do no harm but take no crap*.
That was 3 months ago. Now through various testing and whatnot, we found
out Mom has lymphoma and a break in her pelvis. Mom's mobility is severely restricted and her 1st round of chemo wiped her out for almost 10 days. Grandma is just bad enough that she can't remember all the details but knows Mom is pretty sick. Grandma runs me to death but isn't emotionally awful to me to my face. Mom...well despite running all over finding things she wants to eat, then cooking them and cleaning up that mess (fried chicken livers...if you know, you know 😂) but I didn't mind so much because I know that keeping her eating and drinking is of utmost importance. Well yesterday I cooked and knowing Grandma probably wouldn't like the one recipe I made an alternative as well. There were 5 of us and I definitely made enough to cover everyone should they not like the new food. So Mom didn't like it (even though she'd ate it before at my house) but instead of telling me that, she waited until my aunt who was visiting went in the kitchen to have a very loud hissy fit berating me, & my cooking just loud enough I could hear her in the other room. Now nevermind I've been doing all the cooking, cleaning, helping Gramma with ADLs, ect for 2 weeks...now all of a sudden I can't even make food the cats will eat! Even though that morning she was just telling my aunt how she'd made me such a wonderful cook because of a vegetable cheese dip I'd made...
So I almost told her where to go, how to get there, as well as some other very awful things and about called my brother to make plans to come get me in the next 7 to 10 days. I didn't though because it would have been my Grandma that payed ultimately. While my Mom claims several awful things about her, and I've seen the crappy side of her... Grandma hasn't done near the damage to me as my Mom so I can't justify leaving her in my Mom's care.
So.... I'm in a tough spot...yes both of them are awful in their own ways. Mom...well I'd have no qualms throwing her in the nursing home. I've worked in plenty and know most of them do the best they can with what they have to work with. Will I finance her care? Nope. Now my Grandma...that's a different story. Yes she's a difficult pain in my rump but she has always wanted what's best for me it seems. Yes we clash on so many levels yet I won't/can't abandon her into my Mom's care.
So therein lies the rub...I can't walk away as my personal ethos and conscious would eat me alive. If these behaviors out of my Mom keep up though my emotional and physical health is going to plummet further.
Sure, I get that. Good time to revisit your ethos & find the sticking points?
I found I was operating under 'family must help family' values but without enough common sense limits. Also I suppose wearing my 'useful' hat, but the weight started to crush me.
Until I changed hats. Now I wear an 'advocacy' one.
Getting someone the care they need in a facility using their resources is not "throwing them away" or abuse of any kind.
One nurse can't take care of two ill people 24/7 without burning out. You have.
Just because you have a financial cushion doesn't mean you can retire. You need both the funds and the work credits (not to mention your sanity) to be able to return to the work force.
Get them both into a facility and get the hell out of Dodge.
Your Mom, tell her that you did not have to come and help. That respect goes both ways. That as soon as you can find them some help, u will be leaving because she does not appreciate what u have done for them. Since she does not like the way u cook, she can hire someone to do it for her.
Your profile says that u have distanced yourself for 20 yrs because of this kind of thing. You can distance yourself again. There is no moral thing here, you stepped up to the plate and instead of being appreciative, Mom is being a witch. You don't treat those who are trying to help that way. The consequences are, you walk away. Throw your hands up and say "I tried, back home I go. Find someone else to abuse".
We are related by blood to many people. So many that we don't even know all of them. Now, with Ancestry.com and other DNA bases, we can find family members that we never knew we had. So where does this ethos end?
My first cousin, whom we all barely knew because her dad died before she was born and she was raised by her mom and stepdad, who were not kin to us? If she became sick, must I run to her side and offer up my all to care for her? She is blood. We share a lot of DNA. Family helps family.
Another more distant cousin, who looks much like my grandmother. I've never met her. We connected on Ancestry. I've seen her posts on Facebook and I can tell you that we have absolutely nothing in common. I mean, nothing! Completely different in mindset and lifestyle. Should I go to her when she gets dementia, like Grandma did, and change her diapers? Family helps family. We look alike. She could be my sister.
Because I took care of my parents and Rude Aunt intervened to make me miserable as I was doing it, I no longer choose to have a relationship with her. Was dropping everything to take care of my parents worth it? For five years, then five more to settle their affairs? So far, yes. In the long run, who knows?
Let's stop this family-helps-family thing. There are some we can't love and will never love. We don't have to destroy ourselves to take care of them. Caregiving has its limits, and that's one of them.
Those of us who are depending on family to look after us must start reconsidering. Believing that they owe us isn't going to work anymore. Family is getting older, wiser, and more self-protective. Including me, and hopefully you.
I love researching my family tree! I have found many relatives of mine on 23andme. Some have reached out to me through private messages on the app and it has been interesting to hear our family history.
Financially, it would be unsustainable for you to pay for another person's facility care. You'd just be robbing yourself in the present and future. Maybe consider helping to set up your Grandma with in-home aids that she pays for, or talk to a social worker for her county to see what services she may qualify for.
Or, you can create an employment contract with your Grandma so that you officially become her employee, but that is fraught with other requirements, like payroll tax withholding and reporting.
Or, you can choose to find and keep healthy boundaries with them since we don't get to choose our family members like we do our friends. You don't have to accept anything from them just because you're related to them. But you can choose how much or little you interact with them. They won't like this philosophy, of course. Respectfully, maybe you should consider talking to a therapist to help you find these boundaries since yours are all tangled up with emotions and not reason and logic. Betterhelp.com is one affordable, accessible online resource for counseling.
You've done yeoman's work to date so never feel guilty about a different arrangement for them -- IF they cooperate. I wish you much clarity and wisdom, and peace in your heart as you figure out your boundaries.
They are not the holder of the truth about you, you are. You are allowing them to rule your conscious mind.
We mortals do the best we can in a given circumstance, there is no failure, no right, no wrong.
Personally, I think that you place way too much importance on what they think.
IMO, they both should go into AL, there is a staff there to support them, so that will give you a chance to get your mental health back on track and rediscover your worth, not their perception of your worth.
Good Luck!
I'd suggest that you 'fake' an emergency that means you simply have to leave and go home. Perhaps your brother could take the time off from work to cope with the 'emergency' you leave behind. They may well accept change better with him - daughters almost always get worse treatment. And there's your aunt - another daughter to GM, and your M's sister. Could she do the 'fix-it' when you disappear? Don't let you or anyone else get the idea that it's all down to you!
You have your life to live to work to support yourself financially and your mother can’t take care of anyone other than herself.
Do not cave . IF asked , You can give suggestions of what kind of help grandma and Mom need and how/where they can get it that ISN’T you doing hands on care, meals etc.
You have a lot of good advice here. Take it . I wish I had people telling me I could give up hands on caregiving , be an advocate , or walk away entirely . I felt I had no choices. But we do. Don’t ruin your physical , mental health or finances.
I burned the candle at both ends for years , I was depressed , trapped . I could only work part time during caregiving for a decade which will affect my own retirement . I should not have done that , and I was dealing with a very abusive mother who refused to use her money or let strangers in her home . After a decade finally got her in AL and her abusive treatment escalated . It wasn’t worth it trying to keep Mom at home like she demanded . Nothing made Mom happy .
I regret letting Mom dictate .
Good Luck .
See All Answers