My wife recently became a stay at home mom. It has not been a transition that has come easy to her. Going from a career woman to staying at home with our 2 small children has taken some getting used to for both of us. Her father's health has steadily declined over the years with multiple heart attacks and recently he has had to have 1 of possibly many surgeries to correct an intestinal issue. My wife is currently with him in Florida and we live in Pennsylvania, which means a flight both ways or a 15-17 hr Drive. She is already planning on going back down next week and for each follow up procedure in the future. I am trying to be understanding and supportive, but I also do not want her to neglect her responsibilities at home. We have limited to no options for childcare, which means if she is not here- I need to be. We cannot afford for me to not be at work week after week, so my question is when is it ok to say enough is enough? I would never want to tell her "no, you can't fly to Florida to be with your Dad", especially if something happened to him. My wife and her siblings get obviously offended when I mention preparing for the worst or offer solutions (maybe dad needs to move back to PA where people can easily support him instead of living in Florida by himself), but I feel like I see things a bit more clearly. Maybe I'm just venting here, but I do not want this situation turning into a bigger one with our family and our home.
I'm curious how you two came to the decision for her to give up her job and if there is some lingering resentment over that?
Is your wife's presence really needed there for each event, o does she come from the kind of family that thinks if you don't show up for every procedure, it means you don't care?
Can she take the children with her?
This is a bigger issue than just her dad being ill.
You may want to bring in a professional counselor to help you both sort this out.
I know as things get worse, my folks go into care, mom has a bad fall etc, I’ll have to spend some time there but I’m not going to run myself ragged. They will get in home help or go into care. They have the money for either. They will never agree to move here and I’m not moving there.
We should not be expected to sacrifice our marriages and families due to elder care. Your wife needs to start looking at the long game and enlist some local help or move Dad to PA.
Either way she should not make this a full time job at her age with a husband and small children.
I see some serious and difficult discussion for you and your wife coming up soon. You mention siblings. Are they pitching in?
Enough is enough is not my approach at all. Just want to get others' perspective. My father-in-law moved away many years ago when my wife was in grade school and I think she has always been looking for that bond with her father she may have never been able to have due to the distance. I'm not going to attempt to psychoanalize the situation, but yes my wife feels she needs to be there at the first sign of trouble. Even the current procedure has to be extended over several procedures due to the weakness of his heart. Another frustrating aspect of this situation is that the doctors said he has ignored this issue (diverticulitis) for several months and this could have easily been treated earlier, but now it is extremely serious.
Update- first surgery was successful, but he will need to be cleared by cardiologist before proceeding in the coming months.
I appreciate everyone's responses. It was more than I expected. I will tread very lightly in this situation for sure. I just wanted to gain some perspective on an appropriate approach to this. This may be an ongoing situation or it may be spread out over the next year. Time will tell. Thanks again and god bless!
Would your wife possibly take a look at some of the very sad threads here, tales of adult children trying to get their parents to love them?
Do you think that your wife doesn't want to stay at home? Maybe, if she got a job, she wouldn't be free to leave so often to go to FL. Just saying. I think you are entirely reasonable on this concern. Plus, with phone calls and video chat....why the need to travel so much?
Is she thinking that her father is fixing to die and she needs to spend every possible moment with him while she has him? Is she thinking he's going to get well and live independently for decades more and that this is just a little blip on the radar? You clearly see a progressive decline in his situation - are your wife and her siblings not viewing it the same way? Is she worried about putting too much of the burden on her siblings when she has a free schedule and a supportive spouse to take care of her children?
There are many possible reasons behind her apparent need to be present for each of her father's procedures and her unwillingness to discuss moving him back up north to be closer to family. Yet, she can't be unaware of the strain her absence is causing for you and the children and the family finances. I think you need to explore this together and look for ways that her father's needs can be addressed without putting such a strain on your family.
Try speaking with her, but not with an “enough is enough” attitude. Calmly explain what you’ve told us. Don’t forbid her to go see Dad, but construct a reasonable schedule. Good luck and keep us updated.