My heart is heavy, I just need to talk to someone about what I am going through. My Mother in law moved from another state last year and she has always been close to my husband. So much so that it has created tensions in our marriage for the past 18 years. We almost broke up last year because of her.
When she moved to our state, she wanted to buy a new home, our neighbor was selling her house so my husband proposed that we would move in the neighbor's house while my mother-in-law would move into our house. When I refused, my husband got so mad at me and his mom was in full support of him, making me feel like I did something wrong for not wanting to move out of my own house. The deal with the neighbor's house failed and I was relieved to finally stay in my house. My mother-in-law ended up buying another house, 7 miles away from us. My husband and I talked about it and he told me that since his mom is now 81, he wants her to be as comfortable as possible.
We also decided that we will not be her caretaker and that we will hire help when the time comes. She is now 81, difficulty walking, completely dependent for all her chores, finances, groceries and my husband is doing it all. She also wants him to cut her hair, cut her nails, do her nails and run all errands that she can think of. It is so excessive that my husband is going through a burnout and refuses to acknowledge it.
Here comes the icing on the cake: months ago, she did look to hire a potential home care company but now, she changed her mind. And the worst part is that my husband and I used to travel every year and take a whole month vacation. She knows this and when we told her that we wanted to plan a vacation, then she said that she doesn't want to hire home care because she feels uncomfortable.
Instead, she wants my husband to drive her 600 miles from where we live, to stay with a family member and she wants him to come pick her up. Everything she wants, my husband makes it happen and he feels guilty if he doesn't do it. It is now affecting our marriage, we often argue because of her ongoing excessive requests and each time, my husband replies that she is older and that it is only for a season.
I am losing my mind, I need a break from this madness. It hurts me to see how he invests so much time and energy into her, yet he neglects me in the process. It hurts like hell, even though he says that he loves me, he doesn't realize the pain he causes me.
Sometimes, I have the feeling that my mother in law is doing this on purpose. Has anyone experienced a such situation? What can I do to protect my marriage? I am walking on thin ice obviously and I need a break from it all. I cry often when I am alone, I think it's so unfair that a mother could interfere this much into the life of her children, without taking any responsibilities.
She is now 81 and has been diagnosed with End Stage Renal Disease and I fear that she will ask us to take care of all of her needs, while we are already drained.
Thank you for your feedback.
It's getting ridiculous for me too. Her power went out the last time we traveled for a one night sleepover, and it ruined our trip. I know I overreacted because I just knew something was going to happen and I blew it out of proportion. But still, that is the mental state I'm in after years of living with this dynamic. It truly sucks.
I used to think it was good I found someone who treated their mother well, but boy have I rethought that. Besides dementia that just effects her memory, she is healthy as a horse at 92 and the odds are good she will outlive my husband. I do not know who will care for her then, as it will not be me. (of course, there is more to that story and my relationship with my MIL that predates her present memory issues, I am not just being arbitrarily cruel). Hugs to us both ()
I just reread your post and your concern about protecting your marriage. It sounds like your husband is in a zone of doing for Mom first and it sounds like this has gone on for years.
To protect your marriage you need to protect your self and take care of yourself.
Perhaps consider a 1 week vacation. Tell husband he is welcome to join you or not but tell him you need a break due to the stress. You are responsible for you. Husband is responsible for himself and how he interacts with Mom.
Life is about change. A one week or 10 day vacation on your own sounds reasonable.
I highly recommend Florida or Puerto Rico.
Big picture I'd step way back from the situation. You can't change husband. Only husband can change husband. Start going out for dinners with girlfriends etc. Make plans with girlfriends.
Get out and have some laughter.
Drop the rope.
Book your own vacation. I highly recommend Florida or Puerto Rico. You don't need a passport for Puerto Rico. Tell hubby he is welcome to join you for all or part of the vacation (after you've already booked.)
If MIL has 15 GFR and refuses treatment it does not sound like she has long in the big picture.
You have got to take care of yourself first.
Also tell hubby many family caregivers die before their loved ones die due to stress.
Please go on a vacation YOURSELF. It could be a week at a resort hotel, a cruise or a tour of some country or city that you've alway longed to visit. Just do it.
DH is married to mom. Maybe your jaunt will wake him up to this, maybe not. But stop going out of your mind trying to change his. Get on with what you'd like to do.
It is his place to set and keep boundaries that are important to keep his family intact. He obviously is not doing that.
Plan the vacation you want to go on. Plan it for yourself and kids if any. let him take MIL on the road trip and you enjoy your vacation.
While on vacation you need to do some thinking about what your next steps are.
Are you going to continue in this way, having your husband part time?
As she declines more he may feel obligated to do more. Can you accept that knowing that it is a "matter of time" (although you can not predict how much time) And there is a good possibility that he will feel obligated to be her caregiver 24/7. Are you in a position to help him? Or can you support him if that is his decision?
I suppose I have just asked more questions than you have...
He may think he (& by extention, you too) must provide everything she asks - that to refuse would make him a 'bad son'. It happens quite a lot actually.
Some take on all the care, tasks, duties etc because they can't actually say no. Never would think to try. They feel they have no right at all to ever say no. Not to family. Never to a parent.
These may stay enmeshed & often lose their partner/marriage instead.
Some even succumb to illness & disease before the elder/care recipient.
Others WANT to say no occasionally, want to help out but within reason. Can see when other help is needed to be added in (eg home help). These folk need support & the tools to get strong enough to make good boundaries. To say no when needed to effect positive change.
This works by not holding up the house of cards: not propping up DH so much, so he can't prop up MIL so much & then MIL gets forced into adding outside help. (This is often needed if the elder lacks insight into their needs).
The above is oversimplifying things. But asking DH what HE wants to do is very important & will help with understanding his motives.
I know this is just a forum of strangers... but read through people's stories if it helps you. See if any ideas or advice feels right.
Maybe even take yourself on a day trip to think things over.
Or consider talking to a trained therapist to help think things through. It doesn't have to be ALL MIL care or divorce him now. There are many middle pathways too.
Eg if you let your DH go now, let HIM see out this end stage with his Mother (without you) but said you'd be waiting when he eventually came home - is that something you'd consider?
If not a month-long vacation, then at least consider taking a week or two. Is there a friend or relative that you would like to visit?
Does your H still work fulltime? How is he doing at his job, with all the additional stress of taking care of his mother?
(Why do you draw his bath and give him massages? He can't give you attention, so stop doing extra things for him because he insists on being MIL's caregiving slave.)
My husband works from home so he works sometimes very early in the morning and late at night so he can accommodate her during the day. She refuses any help, any homecare and say that she wouldn't be comfortable with anyone coming to her home. She is doing this on purpose so that my husband takes care of her to the full extend.
Thank you for your advises, I know I have to work on myself to see a change in this situation. i truly appreciate your feedback.
:)
hug!!!
i hope you’re getting lots of great advice from everyone!! i hope the situation improves soon!!
“Sometimes, I have the feeling that my mother in law is doing this on purpose”
then i think you’re right.
we all have strong gut feelings. and if you feel it could be intentional, it very likely is.
hug!!!
1) Have you got all her paperwork in order? POA, Hippa (including you on the Hippa ‘just in case DH is not well’), DNR, Will etc? She is legally competent to sign now, and she may not be in future. Even getting all the paperwork in order may be a step in her working out that her time is coming. She needs to know that (whether she likes it or not) she is going to need more help than DH can provide.
2) Do you have a detailed diagnosis for the End Stage Renal Disease, with information about what care she will need? And also a best-guess about how long she still has to live? If it’s not long, perhaps you can cope with more than if it’s 3+ years.
3) DH is spending his time looking after his mother, but you are spending your time looking after him. Can you get yourself out of the picture for a while – a fake illness, a need to visit your own relations, a booked holiday that you can’t cancel? You may be complaining, but you are still propping him up. If you can find a way to stop, he may be more realistic about what he can do and what are his own best interests. With you somewhere else, it isn't just an argument with you.
4) Can you find alternative transport to take her the 600 mile return trip while you are on vacation, for which of course she needs to pay? It’s easy for her to ask when there’s no down-side for her. Get the real costs on the table, for all of you.
I think it’s clear that elders often have good intentions, which fade from their minds as they age and any change seems too difficult. You have a marriage at stake, MIL has nothing to lose by insisting, and at present DH has nothing to lose by agreeing with mother. How can you change the dynamic? Perhaps these suggestions may prompt you to think of other approaches. Yours, Margaret
it breaks my heart to see him like this. But as soon as he is feeling better, he is back to the same routine with his mom, so that is the dynamic. And if I share with him how I feel about his lack of attention towards me, then I become the bad guy.
In reading your message, I see a new possibility. I can stop complaining and I can start making a change by simply changing the way I react to it. This is truly empowering.
Thank so you much for your feedback. I sincerely appreciate it.
Tell your so that today is when he gets to choose. If he chooses her, he can go ahead and live with her for the month. Meanwhile your vacation will be a staycation in which you get your legal separation papers drawn up.
if this leech won’t get home care then she is left by herself until it’s so bad the state takes over if she doesn’t go to a home. It is a privilege to have any family help. If you can afford month long vacations then you don’t have to count on her condo or broken down house either.
You tried to lay down the law a year ago. Well this is the time to do it as he’s way too old to be married to mom.
Seems its a fight you are not going to win. You really do not want him blaming you because he feels he could have done more for her. Maybe a compromise. One day a week is for you two only. A date.
It is very difficult to say "no" to one's parent and to set boundaries. I know I had to learn to say "no, I cannot possible do that" for things I could no longer do.
My parents were viewing me as a 35 year old with a lot of energy instead of being 65 years old, with my own age related issues. Plus I was still working full-time. My energy levels were drained.
I really think your mother-in-law would be so much happier living in senior independent living where she is around people closer to her own age. I remember when I Dad moved from his house to his 2 bedroom apartment which had a living room and a complete eat-in kitchen he was happy as a clam. He wished he knew about such a place earlier on. He had weekly housekeeping and weekly linen service as part of his rent. Plus 3 menu meals in the restaurant style dining rooms. The women were all dressed to the nines.
As for hiring caregivers, your mother-in-law needs to pay for that, not you and your husband. Any retirement you and hubby have is there for your OWN retirement years. Otherwise your savings could be wiped out quickly if you start paying for Mom.
I wish you luck, this situation is a tough one.
Now, she refuses to hire any help, she refuses to hire home care, and she tells my husband that she is not comfortable with strangers coming to her house. So in other words, she is telling my husband that she wants him to do everything for her. Comes Sunday evening, she sends him a one mile list of things to do, from going to the store to cut her hair, cut her nails, cut the lawn, take her to the post office, pays bills online, call the bank ect... ecf... And everytime I try to reason my husband that she is exaggerating and that he can do a few things at the time instead of making the whole list a priority, he tells me that he got this and that he is happy to help her.
The part that hurts me the most is that all the energy and all the attention that he used to give me is now going towards her. Even though I can understand that this is his mother and that I am willing to share some of our time with her, it's getting insane.
Thank you so much for your answer, knowing that someone understands what I am going through makes the journey a little easier this evening.