My aunt is bedridden and my mom has neuropathy and is limited to what she can do for herself and for my aunt. The two of them argue daily like 2 little kids and every day for the last few years my aunt runs to me and complains about my mom and about what she cant do or wont do for her in the house. If it was just simple complaining I would listen and let it go. However, every call consists of the same word for word message. “ Your mother is a nasty (explicitive) and you have to get her out of here tomorrow!" There are complaints concerning grocery deliveries, complaints regarding the person who gives my aunt personal care and interaction between her & my mom, things concerning my mom changing my aunts colostomy bag, things concerning breakfast lunch & dinner and my mom bringing it to my aunt, etc., etc. And then after the complaints she tells me that I have to get my mother out of her house. Now if it were that easy I surely would. In fact this year that was my plan however, my husband became ill and I have had to make him my #1 focus. My mom & aunt have all the things they need to live their lives. It's not that I have totally ignored my mom. They have food, a comfortable place to live, tv, etc. I do what I can when they need it. Truthfully I am very overwhelmed. I had to take a leave of absence from my job so I could take my husband to doctor appointments, therapies, etc. I'm doing the things I used to do daily like housework and cooking in addition to the house chores my husband did but cannot do right now. After a long tiring day outside I get a phone call from my aunt, not in support but complaining. It just drains whatever juice I have left in me right out. What can I do? I'm an only child and my aunt is a widow with no children.
You know the old saying, 'making a mountain out of a molehill'? Well, this was invented for elderly people.
After you have investigated a bit, you tell your aunt that she is not to call you with any complaints about your mother. Make it very plain to her that whatever problems she has with your mother are her problems not yours and that you will stop taking her calls entirely if the complaining and sniping about your mother does not stop.
Trust me, this will put the brakes on these phone calls.
After you've told her this offer to have a meeting where you lay out how you're willing to help and in what terms.
Your mother needs to move out and NOT into your house. You can help her find a place. This would be a good idea because really she's too old to be a servant to her invalid sister.
Next, tell your aunt that if she can pick up a phone and call you to snipe about your mother, she can also call a homecare agency and arrange for a live-in to move to her home. Or you will help her find a live-in through care.com or some agency.
Then you make this happen.
It may turn out that really your mother and aunt want to stay together and just want to complain and snipe.
Seriously though, if your aunt calls you again to complain and snipe about your mother, hang up on her and stop taking her calls.
DO NOT give the complaining and sniping one more moment of your attention. Do not give your aunt an ear who will listen to it. Giving any attention to this kind of thing is like throwing gasoline on a fire. It never actually helps anything in a situation. What it does do is make the person complaining and sniping stronger in their convictions. They think that because someone is listening to them that they are also agreeing with them and taking their side.
Don't take anybody's side. Offer what you can offer. Do not take on more than you can handle. Your husband is your first priority. Not mom and not aunt. Make sure they know this.
However, with both being in such dire condition, and things on their way to getting much worse, not better, I think that both of them need intervention.
You tell us that your husband needs you.
I think that now needs to be honestly discussed with Mom and Aunt.
Tell them you cannot continue to do what you have been doing for them, and that they must go now to hired help or placement if they cannot any longer rely on one another (which of course, they cannot).
Let them know exactly what you CAN do.
For instance, write them a chart.
I will call you for wellness check every a.m.
I will shop with you once a week and put groceries away.
I will come to your home for a few hours every Saturday to check on things you were not able to handle on your own (light bulbs, what have you).
All else must be hired out.
I will go over bills with you once monthly on last day of the month.
The number for medical emergencies is: ________________.
You are going to need to report to APS them as elders in need of care, I suspect. I encourage you NOT to take on POA for either of them. You cannot handle these two women and an ill hubby. Your obligation is to your husband. Enlist all the public aid you can.
With your moving more into their lives their needs will become more and more dreadful.
I am totally unconcerned with their bickering and would TELL them so. They are simply doing what they have always done, and it's of little concern in the large scheme of what's going on here.
So as Maragaret says, do they want to try to make this work longer? If so.. Ladies you need to talk to EACH OTHER & work it out.
Or it's time for change. Mom quits. Mom finds new accomodation.
Aunt finds herself new care arrangements &/or new accomodation.
I’d now change my last post to put in that you say to both of them that you will be applying for Medicaid care for M (on the basis that her neuropathy would justify NH care), and if it comes through she will move out. A will then need to arrange and pay for all her own care, either with a carer at home or in AL. You will be providing support to M, not to her, you can't do both. The alternative for A could be to hire a carer to take over the tasks that M can’t do, stop complaining, and make the current arrangement work for a longer time to keep them both at home.
Any possibilities in this approach?
Your mom moved in to caregive, and no longer can do what aunt needs. does your mom have the financial capacity to leave?.
I appreciate you taking time to answer.
Several years ago my aunt was hospitalized with various medical issues. While she was in the hospital, my mom went and stayed at her house to take care of her dog & cat. Once my aunt was released from rehab to home, my mom stayed with her to help bring my bedridden aunt food & drink. As time went on my mom’s neuropathy got worse and doing things for my aunt became increasingly difficult. The arguments started happening more because instead of my aunt acknowledging my mom’s difficulties, she would tell people that my mom was just being lazy and refused to do things. Of course that just wasnt the case.
I appreciate you taking time to answer
1) You write a letter (NOT an email or phone message) with a copy to each of them. You give them 2 days to think about it and discuss it. Then you will come and discuss where to go from here.
2) You say that there are advantages for each of them in the current arrangement. List them – money, company, shared care etc.
3) There are some advantages for you, too, in that you can see them together and know that they are both OK.
3) There are disadvantages for each of them, in that neither is ‘boss’ and things aren’t always done the way each would get an employee to do. Complaints are always more common in a close relationship than they would be in an employment relationship.
4) There are disadvantages for you, in that you are stretching to keep up your involvement now that your DH is ill and you are picking up more responsibility for your own home.
5) Because you are under strain, you find their complaints about each other very difficult to cope with, particularly the call to “get her out of here tomorrow”. You cannot solve their problems, and you have more than enough on your own plate to worry about.
You cannot continue with this, and you want them to give you their honest opinions about what happens next:
6) You will give a time for them to phone you, and block their phone calls outside those hours. You will give them an emergency phone number, if there is a genuine emergency while their calls are blocked.
7) You will limit your visits to x hours per day/ week.
8) They hire a carer to do things that you will no longer be doing.
9) You simply stop doing things you don’t want to do, and put the phone down on calls which are complaints. They will need to solve their own problems without your involvement.
10) They both go to a facility, where they can be company for each other without it being such a problem. They don't need to live on top of each other, or to spat like teenagers.
You fix a time for the discussion that follows. You might like to consider taking someone with you, perhaps someone from extended family, the local church or a social worker. Behavior is often better when a stranger is present. This may be a ‘let it all hang out’ session, but it needs to be followed up by real decisions. These women are young enough to behave like sensible adults.
The aunt needs placement in a skilled nursing facility . Perhaps call your County Area of Aging to send a social worker out to the house to tell your aunt that her sister is old as well and can not help her anymore. The social worker can assist your aunt with placement in SNF either with her funds or Medicaid .
Whose house do they live in ? Does your mother have money for Independent or assisted living facility ? Can she use money from the sale of the house for IL or AL ?
Good luck .
The house is my aunt’s. Several years ago my aunt was hospitalized with various medical issues. While she was in the hospital, my mom went and stayed at her house to take care of her dog & cat. Once my aunt was released from rehab to home, my mom stayed with her to help bring my bedridden aunt food & drink. As time went on my mom’s neuropathy got worse and doing things for my aunt became increasingly difficult. The arguments started happening more because instead of my aunt acknowledging my mom’s difficulties, she would tell people that my mom was just being lazy and refused to do things. Of course that just wasnt the case.
I will consider the suggestions you gave. Thank you again
Look for ways to help your mom as soon as you can.
I am sorry that you are experiencing this additional stress when you are going through your own trying times right now. I hope that your husband’s situation improves soon.
Wishing you all the best.
I am not your aging care hotline.
I am not your nursing home.
I could go on.
Thank u for taking the time to answer
Sadly, they didn't. Help them the best you can to find a facility where they'll have 24/7 care. This isn't working for them and it's not working for you, so a place where professionals can care for them is the obvious necessity. Two places would be better so they can't fight with each other.
It seems as if your mom and your aunt may have some cognitive decline going on, in which case they're going to get worse. Clue in your mom's doctor, who may have some recommendations about where she should be. As for aunt, stop taking her calls or limit them.
You need to stick to your plan of taking care of your husband. That means you can't focus on mom and aunt. You can't be all things to all people. If you don't take care of yourself and you become ill from the stress, who would take care of husband? He needs you.
"Oh, but mom and aunt need me too!"
Maybe so, but you're not going to be as available anymore, so they'll have to figure out another plan.
Good luck.
What are you thinking about doing with your mom? AL? SNF? Whatever it is, is she able to do any of the legwork or will this all be on you? If it's on you, I would find some time and get it done! I know your husband comes first but it sounds like getting your mom out of aunties is also a priority. Once you find her a place, that facility can help your mom and you keep helping hubby.
Your aunt? You need to cut those complaining phone calls down to just about zero!!! Do not answer if she is making multiple calls in the same day. When she starts ranting, as she will, tell her that since this is not an emergency, you are not available to listen to all her complaints anymore. You ARE not the complaint department! Tell her that she is stressing you out and you are not OK with it. Maybe call her and tell her how things are going to be. Auntie, please do not call me anymore to complain, especially about my mom. I do not appreciate it and am done with it, etc. Keep it short, to the point. Tell her you'll hang up on her when it starts and then do so. Tell her you are making plans to move mom out and until then she will just have to deal with it.
I actually got a little chuckle out of your description of 2 sisters arguing all the time. Not terribly surprising but annoying at this age!
Set those boundaries, get mom moved and hopefully things will become a little less stressful.
Best of luck.
I see you beat me to it!!
I mean, how is that working out for you answering their excessive and non stop BS calls? No one told you that you had to answer the calls.
And hire yourself a housekeeper so you can catch a break.