Any suggestions on removing myself from an abusive situation with limited resources and support?

TobeyOrnott,

Ask yourself if your husband was abusive prior to his illness.
An illness does not give someone a pass to be abusive.

To avoid queing his anger, you need to learn not to "shame" him.
Shaming often comes in the form of sarcasm.
This in no way implies that you are to blame, that it is your fault, that you cause his violence, or that you can stop him by improving your techniques while being his wife and caregiver.
This suggestion is to help you feel stronger, and not be walking on eggshells or cowering in a corner.

The goal is to live safely, and reality says you will not be able to do that in the same house with your husband. Because he can be removed to get help. You don't need to be the one to leave, yet. But immediate intervention is a requirement.

The one thing that can help, you have not done.
You need to call 911, just as his rage is escalating.
The law enforcement authorities and the agencies that you will be referred to can help in ways that you do not yet understand.

First, if your husband has any mental capacity to control his rage in the presence of others or just takes it out on you will become evident when 911 arrives. An important distinction (and assessment) if he can be treated or even remain in the home. You will need to say there are no weapons in the home so they can safely come out.

If he [can] control these behaviors, he will be put on notice that law enforcement will arrive if he gets out of line, because you will be calling them each time. [A possible deterrent]. They will transport him. Say yes if they offer this, even if it makes you out to be the bad guy. You need to say that you fear for your life and safety.

If he cannot control his behaviors, he will be either arrested or admitted to a behavioral facility. There, he will receive an assessment and medication to help him control his rage. He needs this. Imagine if he did this in public, out alone.
He would be determined to be a danger to himself or others and arrested and/or admitted. And this is the appropriate care, so just because he does this inside the home, do not think it is okay for you to be harboring a potentially violent man.

You are not 'stupid' for not calling. You just do not have enough information, and left to your imagination, the fear can paralyze you.

You need an official record of his outbursts and abuse by police. You need to understand that he needs the help offered by authorities, and by blocking this process, you are hurting his chances, as well as risking your safety and those in the community.

The authorities understand the cycle of abuse, and your moments of fear and weakness which allows you to make really poor decisions on your own behalf, and on his behalf. Think of this as it's not you against him, but you doing what is best for him (and in turn, best for yourself).

You, left at home, will need to make plans if they do not admit him, charge him, or release him to home. You will need to leave. Having a violent man, in a house alone is the least best option for anyone: you, the community, and your husband. Understand this.

You do have options. You need to look for support and avail yourself of what law enforcement has to offer. There is no way to control the exact outcome
(with your marriage), so do the right thing, taking one step at a time.

If you cannot call 911 for help for yourself, do it for him.

If you find yourself at home and he starts towards you, set off your car alarm, and step outside. Realize there are many more options for you that may free you to live the peaceful life you want.

Then, your implied desperate measures won't come true:
To Be or Not to Be. I hear you TobeyOrnott.
Shine a light on the truth, and evil will flee.

Tobey, are you old enough to collect society security? Because you can claim against his if you are.

So happy to hear you are going to the police. There is NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE, EVER!!!

I just looked back to your previous posts. One is from May 2021 the other Sept 2021 both concerning how your husband beats you. Members telling you what you need to do. Your first post is a year old and you are still there.

YOU MUST CALL 911 AND HAVE HIM REMOVED FROM YOUR HOME. You tell the police he is beating you and he needs to be Baker Acted. He needs to be taken to a Psychiatric Hospital and the correct drugs given him. You need to tell the powers that be that you can no longer care for him. If you have to, let the State take over his care. But you make sure they understand that you need your monthly income to live on.

There is help out there but you have to find it. Call Adult protection services. You are a vulnerable adult. YOU have to make the calls to get help. No one else can do it for you. Maybe APS can get him removed. There IS help but you have to take that step. Do not go back to that house until he is removed.

Update--copied from below.

"I’m going in later today to document. (NB, going to the police, I hope you mean). I’m mobilizing legal services and am committed to finding a way to start a new life. We still love each other but when his amygdala kicks in all bets are off. I’ve been sleeping and healing the past few days. I have photos but am still bruised/cut so the police will be able to take pics. I will not have him removed yet. I need to do this in the right order. I am out of the house now and will start making calls to the ombudsman reco’d by an attorney and a divorce lawyer. My husband is gone. He’s still above ground but not in the form i married. I have a history of abuse from childhood. I broke out of that, but I haven’t worked for 20 years and am paralyzed with fear. I’m willing to pay the price to have a life again. I can’t help him anymore. Thank you everyone."

(3)

What does it mean that "I'm going in later today to document"?

I hope it doesn't mean that you are going back to the house....?! (".I go over there to visit and help out ")

GREAT JOB in taking the steps to remove yourself from the abuse. Keep us updated if you can!

Brilliant, TO - just saw your update - WELL DONE YOU!!!

I hope you get loads of support - I hope tomorrow you'll be *amazed* by how sympathetic and helpful official people can be :)

We'll be here if you need support. Meanwhile I feel relieved just hearing you're not in the house now.

Get the local police dept to take you to Rebecca's Place in Cincinnati. They help abused women with housing, food, finding employment. The Greater Cincinnati area has a great deal of support for abused women.

Leave now and go to a shelter for abused women.
Let APS know that your abusive husband is alone, demented, and an adult at risk.
Work your way up to being able to room in with another renter, or share a room in a home. There is no light in staying with someone abusive. There is no option but to leave at this moment. Then see a divorce attorney about division of assets and divorce.

I found this:

Family Violence Center: 513-221-HELP(4357)

It's listed on the Emergency Numbers section of the Harrison Ohio Police Department's website.

You've been hiding your husband's violence for seven years. I won't ask why, I just want to point out that hiding hasn't helped him, let alone you. Please make a call to people who might know where to start.

First of all, you're not an idiot. You are not the first - nor will you be the last - victim of domestic violence that hasn't called 911. And in your case, I'm sure you have even more trepidation to call, considering your husband is suffering from an illness, and you have been taking care of him.

HOWEVER - you cannot be his caregiver if he kills you.

The next time he strikes you - or even threatens to strike you - leave the house, go someplace safe and call 911. Ask the police to meet you where you are. Explain to them the entire situation - including how often this has happened. If they tell you they will have to lock your husband up - and they may have to, depending on their regulations regarding domestic violence, because in some departments there is NO DISCRETION in making a domestic violence arrest - let them. This will put not only him on the radar, but you as well as the victim. Then "the system" can find a place to put him where he will get the help he needs and YOU will be safe.

I get that this is due to the disease, and it's not "his fault". But it's not YOUR fault, either; however, you seem to be the one who is bearing the brunt of this. And you deserve a life and a home where you are safe.

You need an elder lawyer. It may be his money but you are entitled to it to live on. Medicaid will allow your assets to be split. If you need your monthly income to live you should be able to get it. You can't look at the income and say he doesn't qualify, you are a couple. You become a Community Spouse. There is legal aid if u can't affird a lawyer.

Maybe not the first time but the second time your husband beat you you should have called the police and had him taken away claiming you were afraid for your life. You also tell them he is not going to be allowed to return. This is what you need to do now. Your husband needs help that you can no longer give him.

Go to Social Services, for now, and see if they can set you up in a hotel until your husband is removed from the house. Your husband is just not a danger to you he is a danger to others.

Call 911 and have him transported to the hospital (or have police take him if he hits you). Do not pick him up, tell the case manager it is unsafe to discharge him home. If he does come back home, you keep repeating the process. Basically, do what Tothill has advised here, and you need to be persistent and unwavering.

I just shake my head to the awful unfairness of this disease.

I met a man caring for his father with this type of dementia. His lovely Dad had attacked his Mother, so he moved in to protect her & care for them both. He lost his marriage & employment in the process. The night a knife was drawn on him as a 'strange man in the house' he learnt it was not a job for a lone caregiver. With a broken heart he called the Police & his Dad was taken into care, first the triage of mental health services, then LTC in specialised dementia care.

He wondered why he had not called the Police or EMS before. He said he was trapped in a *family must care for family* mindset.

But that idea was stopping other forms of help.

After the big change, the grief, the relief, he & his Mother started to heal. He started studying dementia in order to help other families.

I don't know what is stopping you from called the Police or EMS?

I truly hope you can get through this.

You are right there is no.help for you UNTIL you are ready to help yourself starting with reporting him to the police. There are battered women's shelter that the police would help you locate. There you will be able to find all the help and resources you need to restart your life. But, you are the only one that can start that process. It takes courage and you do have it in there. The first step is always the hardest.

https://theharmonyhouse.org/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIoMyJkp__9wIVBuvjBx3f3wOEEAAYAiAAEgKzGvD_BwE


https://www.mcohio.org/social_services_and_income_support/adult_protective_services.php

You need to call 911 and have him removed from the home. No one should be afraid of being beaten by their loved one.

The police and ambulance should take him to a secured hospital unit and doctors should be seeing if they can stabilize his behaviour with medication.

Once he is admitted you state very clearly that it would be an unsafe discharge, that you are not capable of looking after him at home. If need be, turn him over to the state, if his family are unable to help out.

Go to the police tomorrow to document the physical domestic abuse. Have them photograph every mark he’s left on you. The man is not only endangering you, but of course himself.