My mom has recently been diagnosed with dementia and Alzheimer's. Should I tell her, or is it best not to?

Yep. I agree. Hard question. A year ago I informed my mom after a dr.'s visit (Aricept perscribed - turned out to be a horrible waste of time and money for her) and she was very sad and said her life is over now. Throughout the year I believe she completely forgot she had dementia. Which, btw, we never used the term "dementia" but used "memory problem". This week we went to the dr. for a check up and he referred to her memory problem and the need to be further evaluated. She flipped out, cried, yelled at me, said its my fault, blah blah blah. It hurts for both of us, but I now strongly feel we did her no favors by acting like she was fine for the last year. Cuz she is not fine and is getting worse. So from now on, I am going to make her comfortable, happy, continue doing all I do with her and for her, but I will continue to remind her of her condition. Otherwise there are so many hurt feelings and anger from her towards me and all family members cuz she thinks we are trying to control her and she is fine and capable...which she is not. We just want her safe and happy for as long as we can. On my end, I will try to let her do more for herself...I'll still help her shower and get ready for bed, but if she wants to check the mailbox 5 times a day or bring in the damn garbage cans from the street - so be it : ) Not gonna fight the little things anymore. Hope my experience helps you.

Update: I sat down with mom yesterday, and told her. It was the right thing to do- she thought she was in the nursing facility because we didn't want her anymore. I, of course was crying as I talked with her, and amazingly, she stepped into her mother role- never cried and said I am glad you told me. When I went back to visit her later in the day, she remembered our conversation, and she said she had been worried about me because I was upset earlier. She even spoke to her doctor and he told her to look at it this way- it's not cancer. I am so thankful I told her. We'll see if she remembers today.

Thats a hard one! I decided to tell my mum,and she looked as if i had slapped her,it was awful.She then said i was preventing her from going home ,which i was,because i had to sell it to pay £800 a week for her care.
But next day she had forgotten.I don't know if people with dementia actually realize they have it.
If she asks me now about going home,i say,When you are better,that seems to pacify her.
So,i would say,no! but it is a hard decision.I don't call it being dishonest,I just don't want her to give up.Just a little incentive to her.

I chose to tell my Mom. As she is becoming more frustrated with her memory loss it makes it easier for her when I explain that it is not her fault. I cannot even begin to imagin how scary it must feel to know that you are slowly losing your mind. Be prepared, Alzheimers and Dementia are slow and relentless. Just keep coming back here for help and support. It's nice to know that there are others in the same situation and understand.

My Mom has dementia and NO I didn't tell her ,nor did her doctors. What is the point? In my opinon it would have made her afraid , she would have dwelled on it. Which would have made things much worse. She knows something is up with her memory loss. I am just there for her, period. Mom is in a nursing home and I do take her home for visits with me. I know one day she will not remember me still as I said I am there for her now.

Ultimately, each family has to walk that road alone and make the decision that they feel is best for their family member and themselves.

We have dealt with two parents so far and a third showing signs. One was extremely controlling and it only got worse as the disease progressed. Because she knew her diagnosis, there were decisions that had to be made and we were happy many legal aspects were handled prior to her becoming incompetent and not able to make her wishes known or wise decisions. Currently, my mother is a hospice patient living with us and we also handled what legal matters we could prior to her diagnosis. Mom was pro-active because she knew she wouldn’t live forever and wanted to have her affairs in order before it was too late. For those reasons alone, I suggest you, at the very least, speak with your mother about talking to a lawyer so there will be no questions or possible unrest with siblings when she can no longer make her wishes known. The government is clamping down on finances and if you don’t take some steps and your mother needs long term assisted living or nursing home care, she will lose every penny she may have saved throughout her lifetime to leave to her family. Once that is gone, then the government will kick in financial assistance.

For numerous reasons, I suggest you have a discussion with her doctor prior to speaking with your mother. The doctor can advise you as to the degree of her dementia so you will have an idea how far it has progressed and her current mental acuity, what medical interventions are available, and what her long term prognosis might be. This will help you cope with the road ahead. I don’t know if her physician is an internist or specialist, but another avenue you could look into would be scheduling a consultation for an evaluation with at geriatric specialist. They are often more versed on testing procedures, medications and treatment options specifically designed for the elderly. The doctors can also offer suggestions as to what help and support groups are available in your community. Believe me, you will be needing help in the months and years ahead.

Another reason for having a discussion with her physician is to relieve you of the difficult burden and have the him / her inform your mother of her illness. Sometimes hearing the diagnosis from an expert / professional helps the person accept it as fact rather than having family present it. Of course, you should be there and invite other immediate family members to attend the appointment for support and ask questions they may have. Your mother may still deny or protest, but, at least, it will have come from a professional, the door will have been opened for later discussions and you will not be looked at as the bearer of bad tidings that may leave hard feelings or questions.

You said you had always been honest with her and, personally, I have always felt honesty is the best policy, no matter how uncomfortable. Even if she may outwardly protest, inside she will have an understanding of what is happening and she will appreciate your honesty and know she can trust you. Dementia often fills patients with the feelings of being alone, lost and very confused, especially in the early and mid-stages. They need to know there is someone they can count on and turn to during those terribly unsettling times. From my experience, you will have many days ahead when answers to illogical questions are going to be required, over and over and over. Last night was another one of those for me. Mom kept asking where in the house her parents and siblings were, insisting she had conversations with them that afternoon and they were here. I had to tell my 95 year old mother they had all died many years ago. Still, she was adamant I get them for her. My only recourse was to tell her I had never lied to her and I loved her too much to ever do so. It may not have helped her mental state as much as it helped mine. Yes, there comes a time when you will give up on the orientating them to person, place and time because it just won’t work and you will go along with the current “story”, but when they ask you about long gone relatives and other difficult questions, you need to tell the truth and deep down in their extremely insecure and frightening world, they need to have the security your are there for them and they can count on you for protection.

Long winded answer, but this isn’t an easy or simple decision. IMHO the kindest thing you can do would be to tell your mother of her condition because there may be many, many affairs you may need to get in order while she can still participate. Only you will know how to best break the diagnosis to her, be it alone, or with family and physician present. Good luck and my heart goes out to you as you begin the journey and travel the long road ahead.

You should tell her, but depending what stage she is in she may not even know waht you are talking about. My mother just know that she forgets things,cant find the right words for what she is saying, etc. It does not matter whether you tell her or not, she is going to be frustrated with what she cant do anymore and you will become frustrated with what you have to do. So get prepared, she is going to need you and you are going to need some support, because what you have been used to of your mom will change. Just have patience and plenty of love,and get support.

yes, you need to tell her regardless of what she remembers. You need it to free your conscious. Make sure you seek support groups.

I would first talk with your mother's doctor. He or she will likely have a valid contribution to make before you make your decision. If she is cognizant enough to know something is wrong of dfferent, then she might be relieved to know that she has progressive memory loss, and she might be more willing to take her medications to slow its progress. Sheryl in Charleston

I would if she is in the first or 2nd stage. She know's things are changing and if she's been given Aricept or other dementia Rx she'll figure it out. Unless she's totally out of it, she hears & see what's going on. That doesn't necessarily mean she'll accept it and try to do things to help, like crosswords, Jenga. It might
make it easier on you so you can say what you need to.

If your relationship has been with transparency and honesty,
she would feel you are keeping something from her and this
could end up being worse as she may imagine all sorts of things are wrong with her.

If she's 3rd or final stage, well, I don't have experience with
that yet to comment on from experience.