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Today is my birthday, and I know because of my husbands dementia he can't remember. Should I ask my son to buy a card for him to give to me so he does not feel bad or just let it go.
You can buy yourself flowers. You can share your birthday cake (get it yourself) with your husband.
It is too confusing for anyone to be manipulated, whether they have dementia or not. And bringing your son into this to honor yourself on your birthday is way too much drama.
Happy Birthday Cheeky!
Song by Miley Cyrus, excerpt I can buy myself flowers (oh) Write my name in the sand (mm) Talk to myself for hours (yeah) Say things you don't understand (you never will) I can take myself dancing, yeah I can hold my own hand Yeah, I can love me better than you can
Let him think he bought you the flowers ( maybe say they were delivered 🤷♀️🤷♀️) . If he mentions he didn’t get a card , tell him you both agreed no cards , too expensive.
BTW in my grocery store there were loads of Valentines Day cards leftover . But the flower section was empty the day after . I think alot of people are bypassing cards due to the prices .
Set a nice table with the flowers , cake , some nice music and enjoy it together . Happy Birthday ! 🎂💐
Dementia is hard enough for a person so saying it is your birthday may just upset him. How many of us here had spouses or boyfriends who totally forgot it was your birthday/anniversary/first day you met/kissed, and they didn't have dementia?
For my MIL with memory impairment, when we are getting together as a family with her (like for a holiday or birthday) then I purchase a card and gift on her behalf and let her know a little in advance that I've done that for her. She can't even sign an "X" anymore, so cannot put her name on anything...but she is happy I do this for her.
It would have been a good idea for your son to take your husband out the day of your birthday to help him pick out a gift. But sometimes I think it doesn't help them at all if they don't remember.
I doubt that telling him will really make you feel better. You should not have to ask your son to buy a card for his dad to give to you, he should get one for dad while he is getting one for himself to give to you. (Hopefully your son remembers it is your birthday) (light hearted here,,,save yourself some money, go read a card to yourself then put it back on the rack) Make a cake, or buy one. Have it decorated. Have cake for dessert. What I found caring for my Husband with dementia is that A DAY IS A DAY. There are no holidays when you are a primary caregiver. There are no birthdays for you or your LO because those are just another day. You get up in the morning EVERYDAY and do the same thing, you do the same thing morning, noon and night. (and if you can buy a card for your husband to give to you...you are better off than I was. Since I was my Husbands Guardian I could make NO purchases "from him" to gift to me for Christmas, Birthdays, Anniversary etc. as the court needed an accounting and receipts for each purchase.)
Happy birthday! I hope you’ll find the time to do something nice for yourself, even if it’s something small, just something that gives you joy. No worries about trying to make hubby remember, it’s time to move on from that. Again, happy birthday!
Just enjoy a nice meal together(order it to be delivered)and of course have a birthday cake or at least a couple cupcakes, and don't worry about a card. I hope you have a Happy Birthday!!!
When my late husband(who had vascular dementia)was still mobile, he would want me to take him to Walmart so he could pick out cards for me for my birthday(I would remind him ahead of time as I actually like my birthday) Valentine's and the like. And the last birthday that he was able to go, he picked out a beautiful card that he was excited to give me, and because it was for my birthday I didn't look at it until my birthday even though I was the one to pay for it. And when I opened it on my birthday, the heading across the top of the card said Happy Birthday To My Very Special Mother. Of course I never told him exactly what it said and I just thanked him for such a beautiful card.
I love this answer. We don’t go out to much more than trips to the doctor, so like you mention, it is fun to get takeout. And my last card picked out at a store turned out to be a Valentines Day card I got on Christmas. It was sweet, and I didn’t go there either.
I wouldn't do a thing about this. I always thought a lot of the celebration of such stuff is for kids anyway. It always amazes me when folks are "hurt" over someone forgetting the day of anniversaries or birthdays.
If later he said to me "OMG I FORGOT your BD!!!!" I would just laugh and say "Thank goodness! Means I am still only 81, and don't have to think about 82 until next year".
Agree. My husband hasn't remembered my b'day for the last couple of years and that's fine by me. I'd just as soon not remember it either since it just means I'm a year OLDer. Who needs that? This year I ordered a cake and we both enjoyed it.
Same with anniversary. We used to go out to a nice restaurant for dinner but not the last few years, especially during and since COVID.
I wouldn't remind him. Remember that he would congratulate you if he did remember and that it's not because he doesn't love you. I no longer remind my mother that it's my birthday and that's okay.
We always enjoyed birthdays and holidays, and I always mentioned when they were coming up so my husband would remember. Now that he has mixed dementia I still mention it. But when I do, I also show him cards online, and flowers. He liked to get them for me before and he still does now. He picks them out himself. And I let him know how much I love them. He feels good about it and so do I. And it can be done in the living room on the internet in a matter of minutes. And when they arrive we both enjoy them and feel good again. It is something fun we can continue so far. I do the same with him on his birthday, only it’s a card I pick for him, and something he likes. Definitely not flowers ;-D
Happy Birthday! I wouldn't say anything - Just go out and have a nice day off when you're able! We have to make the best of things for ourselves. Don't we.
I have saved a few cards my hubby and I have given each other, signed with our sentiments and emotions from the past. A few days before special days (valentines, anniversary, etc.) I show him the cards and ask him which one he wants to give me. We then exchange cards and I read them to him. He always bought me flowers for my birthday, so I buy an inexpensive bouquet and tell him "thank you for my beautiful flowers ". If he can go with you, the better. My hubby's memory is such that if I tell him he bought me flowers and/or a card, then he thinks he bought me flowers and a card.
Well, here's my story of yesterday. Background: Last year husband with Alzheimer's was so so upset that he forgot my birthday and our anniversary, he made me promise to remind him . Well yesterday I told that to my daughter so she took him out to buy me a little flower pot for my birthday. But by the time he got home with it .... He was completely confused thinking it was for her, they were her flowers. I finally gently told him they were for me from him and he was blown away and even more confused and upset flustered over the whole thing... It was a hot mess. Now I completely regret bringing it up. I feel like a selfish idiot for trying to help him feel better when it should have just gone unannounced and not frustrating moments at all. My advice? Forget it and move on. I'll NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. and it's okay. I'll live. Good luck dear..
This is a really thoughtful way to handle it. My late husband with dementia was in a facility. On our anniversary, I took a card for him, a real simplistic one and our wedding photo book which we looked at together. I also had a pillow made up with our picture on it (that he immediately started hugging). I did not expect him to remember anniversaries, birthdays etc. One staffer later told me that my husband used to kiss the pillow as he hugged it. I did not expect anything from my husband on my birthday. For me, it was all about just making him happy and comfortable at that stage of his life/illness.
I went through this very important subject with my husband . Our birthdays and our anniversary were always special to us. For more than 40 years, he was always very sweet, thoughtful and enthusiastic about "our" holidays. Now that his alzheimers is progressing, he doesn't remember them even when I would mention it. Last year we went to the store together and picked them out. He was happy with that and I was okay with it. But this year is different...I cannot even mention anything about birthdays, etc. This year, I decided to have his daughter and grandchildren over on his birthday. He loved it but didn't know they were there later. This year I celebrated my 71st birthday with my 6 siblings and tried to shield my husband from the terror in his eyes when he thinks he's forgotten. I realized I had to get rid of my wounded feelings before I can help him and I cope with this journey we are on...hope it helps!
I think your son could go to him saying, "today is Mom's birthday, shall we give her a card?" And offer a card already purchased for the occasion, so your husband can feel good about being involved. Other than that, I would let it go. Birthdays and anniversarys will never be the same. I will usually tell my husband cheerfully what day / occasion it is, and make or buy a special dinner or treat to share with him in celebration. He is pleasantly surprised when I tell him the occasion, then forgets an hour later. I have learned to celebrate it myself in quiet reflection.
Definitely agree with you! Unfortunately it won’t ever be the same, special dinner and just being with him is enough for me right now! It’s the disease, NOT the man!
You can tell him, but don’t dwell on it. But if there’s anyway you can treat yourself to a nice dinner out, or lunch, brunch whatever. Have your nails done or whatever you like to be pampered with, please do so. If your idea of pampering is sitting and reading, then do that.
Just remember your husband loves you, but his brain won’t allow him to show it on the ways he used to.
When my husband w/frontotemporal degeneration was in a nursing home as a private-pay resident, I'd buy a card for my birthday and our anniversary and give it to the social worker. He'd sign my husband's name and give it to my husband to give to me when I visited on those days.
I got over my husband remembering my birthday a long time ago. 😆 I just tell him tomorrow is my bday and we are going to Vermont for the day. And he doesn't have memory issues. But it works for us!
So don't feel bad, treat yourself to some things special!
I have had my husbands caregiver take him out to get me card for special occasions (VD) and it has worked out well. If your son is local I think you could have done that.
i forgot to do that for my birthday. Which is today. My husband is having a difficult day and I think it’s because others have been calling me and I opened cards around him. I think he feels bad , maybe he doesn’t even know why. Definitely not my best birthday.
I think I’ll take some of the advice below to turn it around. Buy some cupcakes for dessert, maybe get a take out meal. Buy myself tulips too. I feel better already.
Funny story, not with hubs but mom. I told her it was my 60th birthday. She glanced around furtively and whispered, "Be quiet! How old will they think I am?" This became one of my favorite mom memories! 😁
I would not bother to tell him, or to have your son intervene. Just enjoy your day your own way. Birthday celebrations are great for children, anyway, not so much for adults. BTW, happy birthday.
Let it go. If he knows that he forgot, he will feel bad. Or, he might not even be able to comprehend birthdays, at this point. Or, he might forget in a few minutes. Why burden him?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You can share your birthday cake (get it yourself) with your husband.
It is too confusing for anyone to be manipulated, whether they have dementia or not. And bringing your son into this to honor yourself on your birthday is way too much drama.
Happy Birthday Cheeky!
Song by Miley Cyrus, excerpt
I can buy myself flowers (oh)
Write my name in the sand (mm)
Talk to myself for hours (yeah)
Say things you don't understand (you never will)
I can take myself dancing, yeah
I can hold my own hand
Yeah, I can love me better than you can
If he mentions he didn’t get a card , tell him you both agreed no cards , too expensive.
BTW in my grocery store there were loads of Valentines Day cards leftover . But the flower section was empty the day after . I think alot of people are bypassing cards due to the prices .
Set a nice table with the flowers , cake , some nice music and enjoy it together .
Happy Birthday ! 🎂💐
It would have been a good idea for your son to take your husband out the day of your birthday to help him pick out a gift. But sometimes I think it doesn't help them at all if they don't remember.
You think ahead as do I.
The majority of men I know do not think that far ahead even if they remember a birthday .
For heavens sakes, let it go.
You should not have to ask your son to buy a card for his dad to give to you, he should get one for dad while he is getting one for himself to give to you.
(Hopefully your son remembers it is your birthday)
(light hearted here,,,save yourself some money, go read a card to yourself then put it back on the rack)
Make a cake, or buy one. Have it decorated. Have cake for dessert.
What I found caring for my Husband with dementia is that A DAY IS A DAY.
There are no holidays when you are a primary caregiver. There are no birthdays for you or your LO because those are just another day. You get up in the morning EVERYDAY and do the same thing, you do the same thing morning, noon and night.
(and if you can buy a card for your husband to give to you...you are better off than I was. Since I was my Husbands Guardian I could make NO purchases "from him" to gift to me for Christmas, Birthdays, Anniversary etc. as the court needed an accounting and receipts for each purchase.)
I hope you have a Happy Birthday!!!
When my late husband(who had vascular dementia)was still mobile, he would want me to take him to Walmart so he could pick out cards for me for my birthday(I would remind him ahead of time as I actually like my birthday) Valentine's and the like. And the last birthday that he was able to go, he picked out a beautiful card that he was excited to give me, and because it was for my birthday I didn't look at it until my birthday even though I was the one to pay for it.
And when I opened it on my birthday, the heading across the top of the card said Happy Birthday To My Very Special Mother. Of course I never told him exactly what it said and I just thanked him for such a beautiful card.
If later he said to me "OMG I FORGOT your BD!!!!" I would just laugh and say "Thank goodness! Means I am still only 81, and don't have to think about 82 until next year".
Same with anniversary. We used to go out to a nice restaurant for dinner but not the last few years, especially during and since COVID.
I wouldn't remind him. Remember that he would congratulate you if he did remember and that it's not because he doesn't love you. I no longer remind my mother that it's my birthday and that's okay.
Background:
Last year husband with Alzheimer's was so so upset that he forgot my birthday and our anniversary, he made me promise to remind him . Well yesterday I told that to my daughter so she took him out to buy me a little flower pot for my birthday. But by the time he got home with it .... He was completely confused thinking it was for her, they were her flowers. I finally gently told him they were for me from him and he was blown away and even more confused and upset flustered over the whole thing... It was a hot mess. Now I completely regret bringing it up. I feel like a selfish idiot for trying to help him feel better when it should have just gone unannounced and not frustrating moments at all.
My advice? Forget it and move on.
I'll NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. and it's okay. I'll live.
Good luck dear..
Other than that, I would let it go. Birthdays and anniversarys will never be the same. I will usually tell my husband cheerfully what day / occasion it is, and make or buy a special dinner or treat to share with him in celebration. He is pleasantly surprised when I tell him the occasion, then forgets an hour later. I have learned to celebrate it myself in quiet reflection.
Just remember your husband loves you, but his brain won’t allow him to show it on the ways he used to.
I got over my husband remembering my birthday a long time ago. 😆
I just tell him tomorrow is my bday and we are going to Vermont for the day. And he doesn't have memory issues. But it works for us!
So don't feel bad, treat yourself to some things special!
i forgot to do that for my birthday. Which is today. My husband is having a difficult day and I think it’s because others have been calling me and I opened cards around him. I think he feels bad , maybe he doesn’t even know why. Definitely not my best birthday.
I think I’ll take some of the advice below to turn it around. Buy some cupcakes for dessert, maybe get a take out meal. Buy myself tulips too.
I feel better already.
If he knows that he forgot, he will feel bad. Or, he might not even be able to comprehend birthdays, at this point. Or, he might forget in a few minutes.
Why burden him?