My parents (80’s), brother and his wife came down for 2 week vacation.
We are all aware that Mom has accidents, but she told me in prior conversations that she hasn’t had any accidents in a while, which was wonderful to hear, since she’s told me dad yells at her when she has accidents and she feels bad.
Pretty much from arrival there were pee accidents, which I completely understand it happens. I’d clean up as soon as I notice it and so did others. I have slate floors and after many accidents and the rug in front of toilet was super wet, which I didn’t notice for days until I went to move it. I told my daughter I didn’t know what to do, since it’s being absorbed into the slate and around the bottom of toilet, all smelled awful. I had some puppy pee pads, she cut to fit around the toilet - ahhh this will help. It did and didn’t, because it ran under the pad or it missed the pad. I left the mop and cleaning supplies in the restroom for easy access.
Also she didn’t always wear underwear, I asked her to put some on, she didn’t. One time my sister in-law went to wrap moms legs the wraps were wet, I am sure with pee.
When I noticed she hadn’t bathed, I asked her if she’d taken her shower and she said she would take it later or the next day.
My sister-in-law got pads, but mom didn’t want to wear them.
2nd bathroom had pee on floor too. So down went a pad.
Little did I know that this was upsetting to dad and mom and brother-wife. I didn’t know until they all went back home. Mom called my daughter (32) to let her know I upset them and that she should know.
No one called me.
Dad says every time she went to the restroom I checked to see if there was pee on floor and I shouldn’t have left mop in bathroom etc etc. I hurt everyone’s feelings by putting pads down, mopping and cleaning. (actually I didn’t check every time she went)
Then brother called me (he had a lot to say) said mom only had a few drops on floor, it was only 2 weeks and I should have dealt with it, because they wiped my butt…. & I shouldn’t have made them feel bad….etc etc. I didn’t say much back, he was very combative and there was nothing I could say that would have been acceptable.
I did deal with it, I was trying to keep things clean. I live alone and keep things very clean and I didn’t want it all over the house and furniture.
I feel awful that I upset everyone, I didn’t yell or get upset - it just needed to be cleaned ASAP.
I need some advice, because no one is really talking to me, except the chastising from my brother….
Oddly enough mom and brother had a huge argument about him not wanting to smell pee the 15 hour trip here and mom told him it was her car and if she wanted to pee in it she could! He and my sister in law told my daughter this a few days after their arrival, when they went to get pads for her.
My brother and mom can have a big argument about this, but it’s not acceptable for me to clean, put pads down or leave mop and cleaning supplies out for easy access, instead of making many trips to access them.
Perhaps I am missing something.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thank y’all for listening/reading.
Take care.
It is easy to say denial is the culprit but your brother might be feeling overwhelmed and is upset that you don’t have to deal what he and his wife are dealing with on a more regular basis. His response is to show he is more “compassionate and understanding” by making you feel less so. Believe it or not he needs you to acknowledge what he must be going through and that you love him for it. Find ways to support family in dealing with this. You did nothing wrong!!! The decline your Mom is experiencing will only worsen. Your brothers tensions will worsen and though you love them all and did nothing wrong, they will distant themselves from you because, “You don’t get it” in their minds.
What can you do? Offer love, support, and forgiveness and Just let go. This is life. It is so hard.
Best wishes to you, and take care of yourself, be kind to yourself even when others are not.
I agree with comments that these are all signs of your mother's considerable cognitive decline and family's dysfunction and inability to manage it.
My advice is to:
1. Recognize your mother's health is failing - physically and cognitively - and decide how you want to make peace with that.
2. Realize the road ahead for your father, bother and sister-in-law is tough. Very tough. You are far enough removed to: stand back, help out, or make problems.
Read all the advice and decide how important those two weeks were in the larger scope of things.
You were not in the wrong. I am sorry you were lied to about her physical and cognitive status, but they told you the collective truth they are desperately trying to create. I am sorry for damage to your home. I am sorry for your brother's harsh words. I am sorry you are disenfranchised from your family.
All that is true.
But, you are unlikely to hear an apology. Is the struggle to get one worth it?
I wish you peace in the days, weeks, months and years to come.
Dementia is an umbrella that covers many different types of cognitive issues. Not all begin with memory loss. In particular, FTD is one where memory loss happens later in the progression. The reason I've focused on this one is because of the various things mentioned:
Incontinence
Hygeine
Apathy
Potentially the outbursts (both towards bro and you, through your daughter)
Source:
https://www.theaftd.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/January-2014.pdf
"Introduction
Loss of bladder and bowel control occurs in most dementias; however, in most cases, it occurs in advanced disease. This is not the case with people with behavior variant FTD (bvFTD). Bowel and bladder incontinence can occur early in the disease, especially when the person is under stress or in a highly stimulating environment. People with FTD may experience incontinence due to apathy with disinhibition, compulsive behavior, distractibility and a lack of insight. As the disease progresses, they may not know what to do with urges to evacuate. Moreover, because of the cognitive and behavior symptoms in bvFTD, persons may respond to the presence of urine or bowel movement (BM) in a socially inappropriate manner. This can increase stress for family and the risk of others in the environment being exposed to infectious illness, particularly nausea and diarrhea. As a general rule people with FTD do not benefit from bladder retraining programs or from feedback from people providing care. They may resist wearing protective garments and become irritable or resistant when caregivers try to clean them. They may give caregivers “the look,” a generally benign but frightening stare that keeps helpers at bay."
For the following, keep in mind that while many symptoms are shared among those with FTD, not all need to be exhibited. I just copy/pasted the list from this site.
Source:
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/21075-frontotemporal-dementia
"What are the symptoms of frontotemporal dementia (FTD)?
Early behavioral changes may include:
*Inappropriate social behavior and lack of social tact/manners. Examples include touching or kissing strangers, urinating in public, making rude or offensive comments, arguing, rashly overspending, and/or doing or saying things that others would find embarrassing or disgusting.
*Lack of empathy (interest in, or understanding of, what others feel), loss of interest in other people or activities, reduced affection, neglect of personal grooming and hygiene. People with FTD are not aware of the changes that are happening and do not know how hurtful they are to close family members.
*Changes in food preferences, overstuffing mouth with food, binge eating, eating food quickly, attempting to eat non-food items.
*Becoming very obsessive or developing rituals, repeating things, collecting/hoarding items."
My mother probably had vascular dementia, in which the symptoms are different, or at least happen in a different order. She did NOT exhibit all symptoms, but it was clear that she had short term memory loss, which "stepped down" at one point, leaving her in life about 40+ years ago. Very different from FTD.
I wish I could bold the sections that seem to fit. Please read it and give it some thought. You don't see her very often. This could be why your brother is on edge. Also, just because SIL is a nurse doesn't mean she would know this when she sees it! There are many docs and nurses who haven't dealt with any dementia. I really do think your mom may be headed down this path and it's no yellow brick road....
This could possibly explain the behavior but it still doesn’t mean that she has to accept or tolerate it.
These situations are incredibly frustrating for everyone involved, aren’t they?
I hope Mum gets proper ongoing assessments as her needs progress. And also that you all as a family find the supports that you all need.
Best wishes and prayers to you all. Take care.