Parents, brother and his wife are very upset with me. Advice?

I hope that being able to come here are write how you feel has helped you, clearly you like to keep your home nice, but there is a difference between what you notice and what your family members notice. It is difficult to deal with accidents had by guests and different responsibilities fall on each side. No doubt your family members are very aware and embarrassed by accidents and so your clearing up makes them feel worse - but they are in some ways their own worst enemies. Mother should be wearing depend pants and this is something they should be sorting out if they expect to take her out - it is no good them trying to let her "get away with" not wearing necessary protection if she is going out - if she refuses then they should not be taking her. OK maybe you are a bit fussy (so would I be) but it is your home and you have to decide what you will put up with, but also how you can deal with things in a way not to make an embarrassing situation worse for others. Before any future visits I think you have to lay down your rules for your house, and your family certainly have to get mother to wear suitable protection - would they let her pee in in appropriate places in someone else's house or do they think you should have different standards to other people or to restaurants etc. For now personally I would leave any discussion for a couple of weeks until feelings are not running as high, but something needs doing their end - how they manage making mother wear something suitable is up to them, but if they can't and they are happy to clear up constantly then maybe you have to visit them not vice versa. It has to be dealt with - only you can decide if you and they can reach agreement or if you eventually have to report that she is not being cared for properly, or consult an elder lawyer over getting her an adequate level of care. Not being devisive may not be an option.

The first thing I thought was this is not hygienic at all. It cannot be acceptable to let anyone pee all over the place! Then I read about the poop stain on her dress, oh dear. Your mom needs help and the rest of the family is probably in denial. How can they just go along with this? Car rides in which mom freely “goes” and others must deal with it! It’s not sanitary. Get depends at the very least, pads for any places she sits and someone needs to accompany her to the restroom. When my DH started getting incontinent I quickly learned that I had to replace all of his undershorts with depends, otherwise he would put on his normal underwear and inevitably there would be accidents. If they ever come for a visit again you need to lay down some ground rules. Yes, they are your parents but you are a grown adult and sometimes the child has to become the parent.

It’s so common I think particularly with women that have born children, at least from what I’m told and it less s the blow, for people as they age to have accidents. It often starts out as those little accidents that happen when we sneeze or cough or simply the recognition of urgency and we wait too long, all of which usually get worse. The unfortunate coincidence is that our sense of smell and taste often diminish as we age too and the combination is a recipe for repealing everyone else and being totally unaware of just how bad it’s gotten. Couple that with denial and embarrassment, well you have the situation you were presented with. I don’t love going to my mom’s the way I used to because her room and bathroom often reek of urine, she doesn’t smell it (she’s also adjusted to it I think) if we don’t prod her to keep up with the wet bed pads and clothing. But my mom wears Depends, happily and is aware of her incontinence, is embarrassed by accidents when others are around. My brother and I often clean up and or put reusable bed pads down on furniture and car seats which she used to fight but doesn’t anymore, she absolutely did at first and I understand why. I am embarrassed for her when I have to put a pad down on the couch when she’s visiting for a family get together but it’s better than the alternative.

My guess is your mom is still in the denial stage and being aided in staying there by your dad first and foremost. Your SIL has followed suit. I’m not sure who told you the problem had gotten better prior to them arriving but I’m sure this is far easier for mom to believe than admitting to herself that it’s gotten worse. It’s too bad they have now left but you are very fortunate to have SIL there and someone I’m assuming mom feels comfortable with and trusts? Perhaps one or both of you having a “private” conversation with mom about it being a very common problem for women who have born children (an important accomplishment) so much so that they have perfected and make both disposable and reusable underwear for this problem. How about we try some different versions and see what you like (simply buying new underwear)? You mentioned that she was often not wearing any underwear is this something she has always done or is this a new thing? I keep a package of depends in every family bathroom so mom doesn’t have to advertise by taking her purse, bag or a new pair in every time she goes. This way when she doesn’t know her underwear is wet she doesn’t have to “hide” it. While cleaning up and taking care of your home is the only thing you should do Leaving the mop in the bathroom, putting down puppy pads was probably too obvious a reminder for both your parents and Dad responded with misdirected anger, Mom may have too. This is a process and a sensitive one, I can only guess that your brothers approach is only making her and your dad dig in more and ignore the problem. If she with you and your SIL help we’re taking care of it and dad could be left semi in the dark my guess is everyone would be better for it.

That said I agree it sounds like brother & SIL are reaching burn out he just doesn’t express it so it comes out in very bad ways. Again a guess but the “family” religion mentioned probably has something to do with this. Sounds like men learn to be dominant and feel superior no matter how caring their nature. Also sounds like you have found your path through this even if Dad isn’t happy with that path. I’m not clear on your relationship with your SIL but if it’s good that’s where I might start. I don’t think it’s your responsibility to go to or even acknowledge your brothers tirade other than to acknowledge they may be overloaded and perhaps your SIL is the place to start?

They are lucky to have you, the special, loving, understanding and evolved person you are and you are so fortunate to have found the ability to maintain a relationship with them. We can all learn from your example & I think it’s worth it.

It sounds like Mom is in denial (and embarrassed) about her incontinence. If she’s of sound mind and refuses underwear or anything else to help, she likely doesn’t think it’s a problem?

Hey, you went out of your way to entertain family. Perhaps they should say thanks and not criticize you for trying to protect your surroundings. If your mom were thinking straight she’d realize you were trying to help her, too. Parents DO NOT want to have accidents and cause additional work for their children. It’s embarrassing & degrading, but that does not mean you pretend it’s not happening. We bought big waterproof bed pads that can be machine washed. We put them on the bed, favorite chairs & even on the wheelchair. Made a great difference! Said they were two fold: kept seat from getting wet and provided some added padding for comfort…Never came up with a great fix for potty seat messes. Keeping a mop nearby is smart. You can always quietly tell your mom you’re trying to preserve her dignity and allow her to help with the situation. If she’s unable to reason & understand that, then you’ll just have to do the best you can. We bought Depends pull ups in dark colors for my dad when he became incontinent. At first he balked, but then realized they helped him have very few accidents! There are attractive pull ups for women too. A little more expensive, but they don’t look like diapers & help keep a person from having frequent accidents. Regarding showers, both my folks hit points where they thought they didn’t need them. I told them they were offensive smelling and they must shower three days a week. I offered to help or pay to have someone come in and help if they didn’t want me to. They opted for an aide until they were too far gone into AZ to really care. You’ll want to have a blunt conversation with family members & tell them it’s about dealing with “the now” & realizing that keeps changing, so your responses must too! You can help your situation and give Mom back some dignity- how can that be a problem? Good luck & God bless. It’s really tough watching a LO go downhill.

In your home you have a right to clean up unsanitary conditions without needing anyones blessing or approval.  Quite frankly I wouldn't care if they were offended or not.  Your mom is incontinent and is in denial about the situation and everyone is trying to tip toe around the obvious.  If it were my home, I would have said you need to keep yourself clean and letting urine run down your leg and not feeling the need to do anything about it is unacceptable.  It makes me think there may be mental decline with your mom as well. 

Maybe you need to visit them instead of them coming to your home...

They are on denial with unrealistic way of looking at things. What were you supposed to do if the were not cooperating?

If they didn't like the good job you were doing, they should do it themselves if they think that they can do it better. My family does the same thing to me- awful, isn't it? Incontinence is just a fact at this point. There are cloth pads for this, diapers, etc. I'm so sorry your family is giving you garbage for just trying to help (and sounds like being the only family member that's helping!)

Dr. Kubler-Ross explains the usual process of adjusting to loss - and your mom's decline is a loss.

Stage 1 - Denial
Seems most of the family is in this stage. Either they deny there is a problem/loss or ignore the problem/loss.

Stage 2 - Anger
When people argue, accuse, get mad... they are expressing that they don't like this problem/loss. Notice that there is no dealing with the problem/loss. Notice that there is no acceptance that the problem/loss is permanent.

Stage 3 - Depression
People realize that their IS a problem/loss and that it is permanent. Your mom might cry. People may be withdrawn.

Stage 4 - Bargaining
People try to "fix" the problem to make it go away. Some may try praying "real hard" to make the situation go back to the usual. Others may try quack cures to try to achieve the same results. None of these efforts actually "fix" the problem/loss.

Stage 5 - Acceptance
Everybody agrees what is the "new normal" and that the problem/loss is permanent. Efforts are made to live life and incorporate methods that deal with the problem/loss as is. You and your daughter are in this stage.

Whoever is the primary caregiver/decision-maker for mom needs to have her evaluated by her doctor and maybe a urologist. There are short term and long term causes for urinary incontinence - and most are treatable. There is also pretty incontinence underwear that your mom can wear. When she is at your home, it may help to try a toileting routine: suggest she use the restroom every 2 hours while she is awake, follow-up with skin care to her bottom (and maybe a few other areas since she doesn't routinely bathe), and fresh undergarments as needed. Puppy pads are a good idea on chairs and beds, but may cause a slipping hazard on floors. Try a plastic or rubberized mat around the toilet that can more easily be washed. Since family is overly sensitive about "mom's pee problem," try to find discreet ways to keep supplies for her and clean-up close at hand but not obvious.

I know communication is hard since everybody is at earlier stages of grief/loss. Try calling whoever is the "gentlest person" in the group. Apologize for offending everybody (since that definitely wasn't your intention). Explain that you and your daughter were trying to find solutions to what you considered a temporary problem. With as much concern and empathy/sympathy as you can muster, explain that you are concerned about mom's urinary incontinence since medication, medical treatments, and some lifestyle adjustments can help make this easier on everybody. End with expressing love and hopes that they will visit again.

I certainly would try to dismiss it and not worry about it.

Juse because mom pees, doesn't mean she doesn't have her brain.

She should have worn pads or Adult Diapers.
It was very inconsiderate of her and I would have thought it would have been embarrassing for her not to keep the pee contained.
Your mom and your brother both new about the problem before arrival and they both should have done all they could for the two weeks they were visiting.

Now, if you didn't explain to them about the type of flooring you had and that it would seep in to the stone, then that's your fault as they probably just thought it could be wiped up.
As far as leaving the cleaning supplies out, that wasn't really necessary as that seem like you were trying to make a point you could have just left out plenty of extra paper towels and a cleaning spray bottle in the areas it was happening in so the wet pee could be wiped up as soon as it happened.

You can send a card and let them know you're sorry they felt uncomfortable and then tell them that you should have told them about how your floors suck up the pee.

But, I would also mention that your feelings were hurt because you didn't see mom trying to help matters out by wearing pads or Adult diapers to help the situation and that urine has a strong smell and that people around the smell, get use to it and don't realize how strong a smell it is for others.

ALos, this is all so new to you that they should also have taken in consideration that this is new to you and that your feeling matter too and... when you were a baby I am sure your mom did let poop and pee all over the floor, you wore diapers and cleaning was done. Dont let them make you feel bad. You did nothing wrong!

KeepthePeace,

You're not wrong. No one wants their home stinking of pee. regardless of how much they love the person peeing.
None of this is your fault. Your mother is to blame for refusing to wear an incontinence pad or a pull-up. Your father, brother and SIL are are also to blame for enabling your mother's delusion that she doesn't need to use incontinence protection products. She does. It's not being mean to not want your house and furniture pissed on. Your mother deserves to feel bad and embarrassed if she will piss on the floor, in the car, or on the furniture rather than use an incontinence pad or a pull-up. Your family should be ashamed of themselves to think it's offensive for you to leave the cleaning supplies out for easier access. Do they think it's okay for mom to piss all over your house and for everyone to just leave it?

If I may paraphrase a famous old saying about the proof being in the pudding.

In your case, the proof is in the pee. The pee that's all over your floor. The pee that's all over the car. The pee all over your mother's clothes.

None of this is your fault. It's theirs. You didn't miss anything.

Maybe your brother and his wife are feeling out-of-control and frustrated at the reality that your mom is declining and they could be taking it out on you? I had this happen to me, too, and it was very distressing. I was made to feel guilty to assisting my mom in her time of need and was told to actually leave her alone in the hospice/hospital to die alone as I was preventing her from dying while I was still there in the room with her. People react differently to situation and I would not take it to heart. You did the best you could and handled the situation perfectly fine. Hang in there.

If she hasn’t, your mother should see a doctor and maybe she will do what is prescribed.

unless your family was raised in a barn, they should know basic hygiene and understand that not cleaning up after those accidents is another accident about to happen; not to mention other health issues for everyone.

What a horrible situation, for you and everyone. Your mother needs a visit to her doctor, because it seems more than just incontinence is going on here. Her memory seems to be failing, and the people around her don't seem to be noticing it. Not wear underwear? Is that normal for your mother? Your mother needs some specific medical care, and I hope the family can come to an agreement on how to approach that. You have handled everything as best you could. Perhaps you can suggest a group effort. When my mother-in-law was having incontinence issues I very gently instructed her how to prepare and wear an adult incontinence undergarment (they weren't as easy then as they are today.) She never forgot it, even when her memory started to go. However, she wanted help. The main question here is why everyone else, including your mother, is in denial. Your mother's doctor might be of tremendous help in controlling this, or somehow comfort your mother regarding this not-uncommon problem in our older years. However: you don't deserve abuse from the other family members. Perhaps ask your brother and sister-in-law how they plan to deal with the incontinence, when it gets even worse?

They are in denial, but that doesn’t mean you did anything “wrong”. In fact, the whole incident was bound to happen and at least you brought clarity to a situation that can easily be addressed with incontinence supplies. As for the other issue of bathing, etc., that will be another battle which with they will have no choice.

My mom is 96 and we live together. She has some short-term memory issues. But luckily, she is very prideful about keeping herself clean.

She has always worn "panty girdles" and for years has worn the thick Poise pads and changes throughout the day and a couple of times at night.

There have also been times along the way with UTI's, a lot last year because I think she wasn't on the antibiotic or right antibiotic long enough. So far six months into this year, knock on wood, she has not had any. The symptoms are frequent urination and increased confusion. Elderly do not so much have itching or discomfort as symptoms. I bought the urine dipsticks to every now and then check whether a UTI may be starting and get it checked with a lab test right away.

As far as your mom, because she does not live with you, and "that part" of your family does not seem to want your input, honestly, I think you will just have to let them deal with it.

And as far as what you did when they were at your house, I think you were perfectly in the right. And if it were me, I would be prepared if/when they visited again and place some of the large thick cloth pads (check Amazon) and lay it on whichever chair your mom uses as well as on the bed. And I would insist on her using them, or I would be "too busy" or "out of town" for any future visits. You definitely have the right to have a clean, odorless home. And if they cannot understand that, it is really too bad, but your needs matter as well !

You are right - they are wrong. Period. Its your home. You cleaned up the mess (even after being told she was not having "much" problem.)

Maybe they are used to it, but not even OK for them to live in it much less expect others to ignore accidents. (What does Mom and Dads place smell like?)

Perhaps a visit to them is a good idea - could be brother is in over his head looking for help? May be time for in home help (cleaning service?)

They make lovely adult pull-ups for women these days that look just like underwear but are disposable. I don’t understand why she just doesn’t use these, carrying a few down in her purse in case of accidents. Accidents are part of life as we get older. We can’t deny it but find ways to deal with it.

First of all your dad should not be yelling at your mother. Your mother should be wearing depends. I would encourage to see her doctor for her incontinence issues, perhaps she has a UTI. Your family seems to be causing more stress. I would not want urine all over our house and I certainly would not want to clean it all day long and smell urine. Gosh my mother has incontinent issues and we stayed at my brothers a few times. She worn depends, I bought a portable commode and she was clean as a whistle. No smell of urine in his house. We respected his property and if it was more of a problem we would have stayed home. Tell family to vacation somewhere else! Good luck.

So, I need to post again after reading everyone else's responses and thinking further.

If it were me, unless you are seriously looking to take over care for your parents,

I would totally drop the matter ( you were in the right completely ) and no longer discuss any kind of care for your mom / dad. As long as your parents are in another town with your brother and sister-in-law, they are the ones who need to deal with it or not, whatever they choose.

And be prepared for any future visits as someone else said, lay down ground rules, or better yet just don't be home to accept a visit, at least not until they notify you that they have acknowledged and fixed the situation.

Mom needs to use adult pull ups, extra pads can be addes for max absorption. As for everyone being angry about ckean up...so sorry, but it's your home, you get to clean as necessary. If they want to pitch in, fine. No need to paddle in piss.

No way do you need to tolerate your mother peeing all over your house (and car.)

Your family is upset b/c you did not go along with their ridiculous denial that your mother has a problem.. Your efforts to clean up embarrassed them b/c they announced the accidents loud and clear.

Too bad.

Your mother's incontinence is the problem, not your efforts to keep your house clean.

For your moms sake and everyone else’s she needs to wear adult diapers. In the long run it will preserve her dignity and everyone else’s sanity. I’m sorry, but your family sounds a little dysfunctional if they are blaming you or her for any of this. If your mom is headed for more problems it seems like it’s time for some counseling for all of you. There are usually senior agencies run by your local government who could assist you with all this.

If this woman is peeing and causing horrific odors and family disunity, I hate to say it - but I would NOT allow her to live in the home. There is too much to lose. She is aging with physical problems and getting dementia and this is too big for people to handle at home. She should be placed. Please don't allow this to continue - in the meantime have her medically checked to see if there is solution.

This is a classic example of denial on their part. Do not feel guilty. They are shifting blame from her to you in an effort to keep her feeling"normal. Sorry but we all age and if we have a medical condition that effects others, then it is unkind to ignore it. Her problem of leakage is not going away. It is why Depends etc are made. She may be very embarrassed but wearing a Depends isn't seen and her pee is seen and smelled ! How absurd her husband and some of her adult children want to ignore or minimize it.
This is not normal. If you went to their house and vomited all over and left it, or poured soda on their floors and left it, would it be ok? Of course not. Why doesn't she want to seek medical help for her issue is the REAL problem here.

Mom needs more supervision in the bathroom.
Is mom wearing "underwear" or incontinent products like Depends or pads?
If she is wearing regular underwear it might be long past time to switch. If she is using pads it is time to switch to a "pull up" or tab brief. (tab briefs do not work real well if the person is mobile. (I used to put a pair of regular "boxer briefs" on my husband that kept the tab type in place and secure.)

Try Odor Ban on your floors it is enzyme based and will take care of odors as well as kill any bacteria.
Clorox makes a product called Urine Remover and it also works well. I happen to like the smell of Odor Ban. It is also a sanitizer and I like using it in my steam mop.

The rest of the family is in denial about the problem and that is their "problem" you deal with it as you did. Maybe you did them a favor by helping them realize that this is a problem that will not get better. Makes me wonder what parents house is like and maybe dad no longer notices the "accidents" as the commercial says he might be "nose blind"

If I were you, all future visits should be done by you to their community. You are not unreasonable in your expectations for visitors in your home. Good luck.

Imho, they are in denial and something seems to be amiss with their inability to recognize urine.

That you feel 'awful' upsetting everyone tells volumes.
It sounds like you have deep rooted self-esteem, self-worth issues and may benefit from therapy. I am not being flippant. I believe this will help you feel whole and a sense of self-esteem.
WHAT I WOULD DO:
* Tell all family members to STOP berating you and that they owe YOU an apology. If they continue, which they likely will (as you have a pattern of accepting 'putting up' with this behavior), tell them you are going to hang up (the phone) and then do it.
- Do not communicate with them until they apologize.
* Send a bill to family for whatever aspect(s) of floor are ruined.
* Tell them to stay in a hotel next time.
* Examine why I feel this way (meaning you). Do some self-reflection. Although I believe a therapist could be invaluable to you.
* I do believe what you are missing is "YOU" - feeling worthy.
Please do what you need to do to feel worthy and expect self-respect . . . which happens when you believe and demand it. Otherwise, people will walk all over you. Gena aka Touch Matters