There's nothing I can do to help. Any advice?

I agree that your brother needs help. I also agree that not everyone is in a position to jump in and take over the caregiving. Let go of the guilt and try to help your brother find a good nursing home for your father.

This article may help with your guilt: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/not-everyone-cut-out-to-be-a-caregiver-162192.htm

Take care of yourself and let your brother take care of himself. Your dad can receive good care, too, from hired help - though for some regions of the country this is harder to find than others.

Carol

Sometimes the exact right way to help is to realize we ourselves can't do it. I think we would be amazed at the deplorable conditions some people grow old and die in because family believes SO strongly that they cannot put their loved one into a care facility . . . like that's a betrayal...a surrender...or they refuse to spend "their inheritance" on getting their loved one proper care.

If that's your brother's decision, he's making the hard choice. If you support him at every turn, your dad will have a much easier transition; your brother will get the relief he desperately needs; and everyone can rest easy that your dad is being kept safe, clean, well fed. That he's have some social stimulation, many touches and smiles.

Nursing homes and assisted living facilities are not the snake pits we sometimes believe they are.

Support your brother's decision -- whatever it is. Dad entrusted his care to him. Your job to help keep the faith.

If your brother needs relief, get it for him ASAP. But that doesn't mean that you have to step in if you aren't able. Caregiving isn't for everyone and I tend to think it's the hardest job in the world. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to get into all of that. It doesn't make you a bad daughter or a bad person. When I was my dad's caregiver my brother would tell me that it was a good thing I was doing it because there was no way he would be able to do it.

But if your brother is needing out and you aren't able to take over then your dad will need to be placed in a nursing home and placing a loved one in a nursing home always comes with a little guilt, in my opinion. I had to eventually place my dad in a nursing home so I understand the guilt. I think it's normal and doesn't indicate that you should take over caregiving duties.

littlebit2, you can be helpful by supporting your brother wishes that it is time to place Dad into some type of continuing care facility.

Your brother is burnt out because he's doing the work of 3 people.... at a facility the workers work one shift, go home, and the next day start fresh.... your brother had been doing all three shifts. Be proud that your brother was able to put in the time that he did.

And don't feel guilty that you haven't been able to help out doing hands-on care. Not everyone can be a Caregiver, just as not everyone can be a doctor, a pilot, a lawyer, a firefighter, etc. You can send good wishes to your Dad, send him a box of things he might like, call him on a regular basis if you can, etc.

Um.

There are options besides A living at home through to Z Nursing Home - what help is your brother getting with your father? Is it just the incontinence that's the issue? Or is that more like the last straw on top of a number of other issues that have already stressed the poor guy out over a long time?

I'm not saying NH isn't the right option, just that you and/your brother might have plenty of others to consider. It's always worth exploring the possibilities. Or have you already passed that stage? The best help you can offer your brother is to help him think through how to manage your father's care, then support his decision and do your best to be positive about it.

About you, and feeling guilty. Guilt is your conscience's way of telling you to check whether you've done all you can. And you have. So tell your conscience that if it has anything more to say it can either come up with some constructive suggestions, or else get lost.

Save your brother, please. And believe me when I say some of these places are very nice. Go up to the Search Site box and type in your city and state. Start looking around and also go to the Money and Legal tab and click on Paying for Care.

Please save your brother and both of you seek out reputable nursing homes or assisted living. I agree with the above. It's a very difficult call, but to save everyone's sanity and wellbeing, it's probably the best choice given the circumstances.

Best to you and your family…

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) created a new organization, the Administration for Community Living (ACL). so we can live at home

About ACL http://www.acl.gov/About_ACL/Index.aspx

All Americans—including people with disabilities and older adults—should be able to live at home with the supports they need, participating in communities that value their contributions. To help meet these needs, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) created a new organization, the Administration for Community Living (ACL).
ACL brings together the efforts and achievements of the Administration on Aging, the Administration on Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities, and the HHS Office on Disability to serve as the Federal agency responsible for increasing access to community supports, while focusing attention and resources on the unique needs of older Americans and people with disabilities across the lifespan.

Caregivers
A caregiver is anyone who provides help to another person in need. In this section, we provide links to a wealth of information on the Internet designed to assist family members and caregivers.
Alzheimers.gov
This site is the government’s resource for Alzheimer&rsqup;s and related dementias.
Alzheimer’s & Dementia Caregiver Center
This site provides information about day-to-day help and services in your community; getting support; or preparing for the future.
ARCH National Respite Network
The ARCH National Respite Network and Resource Center provides resources to help families locate respite and crisis care services.
Consumer Information
Respite Locator
Family Caregiver Alliance
The site contains a wide array of publications and services based on caregiver needs, including a Family Care Navigator.
National Alliance for Caregiving
The site contains publications and resources for caregivers, including the Family Care Resource Connection, where you can find reviews and ratings on over 1,000 books, videos, Web sites, and other materials on caregiving.
Caregiver Action Network
The site offers a virtual library of information and educational materials for family caregivers.
eXtension
This website was created by the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA), Cooperative Extension System. Here, caregivers and advocates can access a wide range of information and materials designed to help them learn about and provide supportive services to family and relative caregivers. Topics include disaster preparedness, military families, grandparents raising grandchildren, housing, and nutrition.
HHS Office of Women’s Health (OWH)
The OWH website provides an extensive list of links of interest to caregivers.
Older Adults
Alzheimers.gov – This site is the government's resource for Alzheimer's and related dementias.
Eldercare Locator – The ACL Eldercare Locator is a website and call center that links you to state and local agencies on aging and community-based organizations that serve older adults and their caregivers.
Check for Benefits – The BenefitsCheckUp Website helps consumers find benefits programs that help them pay for prescription drugs, health care, rent, utilities, and other needs. The BenefitsCheckUp Website includes information from more than 1,650 public and private benefits programs from all 50 states and DC.
Find Helpful Publications and Website Resources – A part of the Eldercare Locator Website, here you will find useful topic-specific resources for older adults, caregivers and aging professionals.
Long-Term Care Planning – Long-term care includes a variety of services and supports to meet health or personal care needs over an extended period of time. The National Clearinghouse for Long-Term Care Information Website provides information and resources to help individuals plan for future long-term care.

Have you looked at the cost-benefit of having an in-house help to take care of your Dad and give relief to your brother? Somehow you have to come up with a solution that is acceptable to you, your brother and comfortable to your Dad. -

I would agree with joesfortune, investigate paying for help in the home as well as AL and NH facilities. I would have a urologist check your father out to see if the current incontinence has a solution or not. If your father is still alert mentally he would probably find living in a NH less than stimulating. However, your brother can not cover his care 24/7 without help. Good Luck.