My parents are aging and in need of care but they have left a big problem that will continue after their death. Looking for advice.

I have answered before, but why not just let your parents leave you and your brother their estate evenly, then, if you feel so inclined, you can dole out your portion to your brother as you want to. If they do not have a will, you will still get something.

I understand the frustration and sense of injustice about a highly qualified 47 year old who appears to be disinclined rather than unable to work, but there needs to be some practicality and realism about it. "He must get a job" is only half an idea - the other half being "somebody must be persuaded to give him a job." Oh yeah? Like?

Chairman Mao believed in putting intellectuals to work in the rice paddies, too. Character-forming, was the idea, break down their bourgeois reactionary tendencies and all that.

But you can't use a scalpel as a hacksaw and expect it to go well, either for the scalpel or your woodworking project.

There must be *some* realisable value in the brother's abilities, all the same. KFT, are you on speaking terms with him at all or is he just too annoying to be borne?

At 47 he is not unhireable as you said earlier. This is his problem, not yours. The old adage applies...he made his bed and will have to lie in it applies. You said you don’t like your brother and don’t want to have to deal with him. Why are you making this your problem. Tough love is needed. If and when they die and leave a mess, it will be up to him to carry on and figure it out, not you. If you feel it’s your duty to worry about him and figure it out, then yes the hard truth is you too are enabling. Take this off your plate and leave it on his. Not easy but set that boundary as he obviously has none.

If your brother is not disabled I would say it would be about time he grew up, faced reality and got a job. What would he have to do if your parents had no money to leave him?

Maybe your parents already have everything in place & just don’t want to discuss it. Maybe not. Could be that it’s just too overwhelming now for your parents & they don’t have the energy to deal with it. I was pleasantly surprised to read they plan to sell their house for their own eldercare. Good for them!

If it were me in this situation, I’d be more concerned about making damn sure no one — brother, mom, dad — expects me & my family to be taking over the enabling when parents are gone. If you inherit any money, you can see an elder care lawyer yourself to use that money for a trust for your brother’s care.

A Special Needs Trust is just that, for a person with Special Needs. In my Nephews case, for physical and neurological challenges from birth. You have to prove that the persons needs warrant it. Its usually to protect money they already have. In nephews case, his Moms insurance policy. For some its an inheritance. Its usually set up so Social Security disability can be obtained. Social Services recommended the trust when nephew applied for SSD.

Her brother has never been diagnosed but it sounds like he has a personality disorder that probably should have been addressed at an early age. It doesn't mean he can't hold down a job. He probably feels his siblings should care for him when his parents pass. That thought needs to be squashed now. He is an emancipated adult responsible for himself.

Parents can set up a Special Needs Trust for family members who need it.
They do not necessarily share the information with their siblings, but someone will be in charge of the administration of the trust after the parents pass.

Sorry this issue has come between you and your family.

You are right to be standing by and offering to help your parents. However, unless they ask or allow you to help, try not to let this interfere with your relationship.
Maybe visit a little less often.

You need to have a life too.

I have seen family step in at the last minute when help was needed, unravel a mess, and the parents were cared for.

Your parents made this problem and neither you or ur other brother are responsible for him when ur parents are gone. Please, don't feel you need to support him. Even if he is Autistic/Aspergergs he seems to be able to live on his own. He has a College education. He can fend for himself. I would make sure he realizes that when ur parents pass, you and ur other brother are not responsible to support him and u won't. The buck stops at Mom and Dad.

If no will, you can go to Probate and become an Administrator. They have the same responsibilities as an Executor but the court will decide how the estate will be split up. Since there r 3 of you, probably 3 ways. I don't see where its fair that it all should go to ur brother. What about the other brother, does he feel this way.

Did your parents pay for for all of your brother's education, too?

You say you don't care about the money, but isn't your resentment of the favoritism rooted in money, because that is after all what they have in essence given him over the years? They have financially supported him.

With no will, their estate will be split three ways.

What happens if your parents need help in their home? You say you keep offering, but your father refuses. Are you offering to be the help? If so, why?
Sounds like something your brother should be doing! Why doesn't he move in with them and become their caregiver, in payment for all they have given him over the years?

You are going to be saddled with an awful lot within a few years. You will probably be expected to be directing their caregiving (if not expected to be doing it yourself). Why not back away now?

Firstly - I think you are wonderful to be thinking of the needs of your brother who is obviously either a wastrel or more likely on the autistic spectrum. If you would possibly get him adult assessed for aspergers or any other line on the spectrum it may help in getting him accepted for disability support.

Secondly - I think you need to take what you have told us and any supporting paperwork (including bank statements if you can get them) and go and see an elder lawyer and apply for all bits of paper he thinks necessary now and in the future that you can so that when something happens to your parents things are in place.

You cannot stop them leaving money how they like - and you don't sound as though you are bothered about them leaving it to you, only that they are all cared for, but getting advice from an Elder Lawyer or if he/she recommends a financial planner sounds like a good place to start.

Very best wishes to you in getting things at least underway xx

Reading all these answers and responses I have to say that you have the ability to tell him "No" it is a complete sentence.

He can find work, people are willing to give anyone a job to give them a chance. There are help wanted signs everywhere. No excuses for not working.

Do I remember a similar post and the deadbeat brother knew his free ride was over and actually stepped up and started working and doing what he needed to do to have a roof and food.

No matter what your brothers issues are he makes the choice every single day to mooch off your parents, as you have discovered you can't change that, but you don't have to pick up where they left off. He is a big boy and there are all kinds of jobs that he will be able to do. His education at this point is a piece of expensive paper, it will never serve him in life, he wasted that opportunity.

Please get your head wrapped around the reality that you are not responsible to pick up where your parents leave off. People can smell that stuff and he will eat you alive if he thinks you will waiver and support him. Practice, No, No, NO.

KFT, yes, a dx of autism might qualify your brother for benefits.

It might also reframe how you think about him.

Think your brother is a narcissist I wouldn’t worry because I doubt there will be anything left

I do not know if there is a diagnosis of mental illness. With that degree I kind of doubt it. Question here is "Are you your brother's keeper"? Because when your parents pass he will be, apparently, only too happy to have you take complete care of him until you are dead as well. Sorry to be so blunt. Am thrilled to hear your parents are planning to sell their home to use proceeds for elder care. That may give the bro the incentive to move out and move on with life. He sounds quite personality disordered. I am not certain if you want to give up your own life to dedicate yourself to his lifelong care, but it looks like you are faced with options. I think that with someone with this sort of degree being also someone who has never done a thing, even to manage his own bank account, something is not matching up. Your brother may be seriously mentally ill without your knowing it. Wishing you good luck, but haven't a clue as to what can be done about any of this. The streets of my town are absolutely FLOODED with homeless. I am afraid that not everything can be fixed.

Without a will, Probate Court will determine final outcome. If your brother has no history of employment or bank accounts, loans or credit cards, leases or mortgages and simple things like utilities in his own name, it is pretty clear he is NOT capable of handling affairs for anyone - including himself. If it turns out to involve a lot of money - as determined by the court - the court might consider him incapable and in need of his inheritance being managed. If the court agreed he needs a manager siblings do not have to take on that responsibility.

To even be considered for work requires a paper trail of employment, legal status, credit, and health/drug fitness. It requires personal references. So if he's as bad as sister claims, he can not manage and is not employable under current laws and company policies.

You said he is your "youngest brother". Does this mean you have more than one brother?

KT, why do you think your parents should continue to support your brother after they have died? Let me tell you, I’ve got one of “those” brothers too. Except mine is 35, has NO education past 9th grade and has worked ONE year in his life (working valet for a casino). My parents have enabled him for years. He is on anxiety meds and has suffered from alcoholism for years so his liver is damaged but he is arill able-bodied and sober. He has never lived on his own, other than when he was incarcerated various times. He doesn’t know how to manage money or anything. He had an abscessed tooth recently and MY MOM is the one who got him in to the dentist and paid the bill! He can’t even call and make his own appointments! So I understand what it’s like having a sibling who has been enabled their entire lives and isn’t a self-sufficient member of society. My parents had a living trust created last year and whatever is left, will be equally split between my brother I. I don’t think there will be any cash or retirement plans to cash in, just the house to sell. So when that day comes, my bum of a brother will get a check in the hundreds of thousands! So I understand you must feel knowing your brother will also inherit a large sum of money. As a sibling, I don’t feel it is my responsibility to take care of my brother when our parents are gone. It’s not my duty to pick up the torch of enablement. He’s not staying in the house, I’m selling it. It’s not like he would have money to pay the taxes, insurance and utilities. There’s a part of me that hates the fact that he will get that money and blow it. He’s not going to invest it or buy a place with it. He’s going to blow it. On a ton of material objects that he will have NO PLACE to keep when he has to vacate the house. I too, do not understand why he isn’t getting off his arse & getting his act together. Our parents are 71 and both have health issues including advanced COPD, high blood pressure and heart issues. My dads blood pressure has been so high that the doctors said he should be dead! Our parents know they aren’t immortal but my brother apparently thinks they are. Or perhaps he thinks he’s in for a large inheritance? He’s sadly mistake, I believe our monetary inheritance will come solely from the sale of the house after our parents debts have been paid. The house is currently worth $400k.

I think the annuity is a good idea. You’ve peaked my interest there. The only thing is, i don’t think it can be set up before they die. You have to make an initial investment and commit to a certain amount. As someone who again has a bum sibling, speaking for me personally, even though I will not enable him, it would give me PEACE OF MIND knowing that he receives a certain amount of money each month. It would be better than cutting him that huge check only to have him blow it within months and end up on the street. I would hope that with an annuity, he would at least use it to pay rent on an apartment. I am going to ask my parents what they think about an annuity, I bet they would be willing to call the lawyer & see if something can be written into the trust that authorizes me to take my brothers half & put it in an annuity for him. I would feel better knowing he has money to live off of.

I don’t think everything should be left to your brother, simply because your parents have taken care of him all this time. It’s ultimately our parents decision to decide how to split their estates. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to leave more to the children they helped out the LEAST but that’s just me.

Is your brother high functioning person with an Autism Spectrum Disorder?

[mutters: it's news to me that an obnoxious personality is considered a drawback in academia...]

Given how airy-fairy about it your parents have been when you've questioned their estate planning, I'm just wondering how much you know for sure about your parents' money and how much is educated guesswork?

Do they understand your concerns, or do you think they might think you're asking with an element of self-interest about it?

It might, perhaps, be an idea to write your worries down in letter form. Nicely, but to the effect of "listen up, dumbo - if you get struck by lightning tomorrow dear little Friedrich is going to be up the creek without a paddle, and if you think I'll be hauling him out you've got another think coming. SORT YOUR MONEY OUT. Lots of love xxx"

If you can staple this to a document proposing suitable investments your father might consider, so much the better.

I must say you're remarkably equable about all this. Good for you! - but does not it not chafe at all?

I too do not understand why you want to continue to enable your brother. It makes no sense at all.

I have met a few men who feel they are above mere mortals and cannot be an employee. They have started their own businesses.

If there is no money left after your parents die, then your brother will have to figure out what to do. It is not your circus.

Your dad seems to be "reasonable" still but I think wasting energy on trying to get him to go to a lawyer, financial planner, etc. when his is obviously resistant and in denial/fearful might be exhausting for all involved, but you can bring info to him. Find out prices of care local to him. Right now, what does it cost to have someone mow the yard? Plow the snow? Do repairs? What does it cost to have a daytime helper (from a service or an individual)? What does it cost monthly for assisted living and all other "helps" are a la carte expenses? Add it up annually and then over an extended period of time. How much care will his home sale cover for 2 people? (Answer: not much!) This will hopefully shock him. Do the math for your dad. Numbers don't lie. I've gone to nice facilities and taken my own pics of places (including the residents having fun) and shown them to my in-laws to clear up old notions of horrible asylum-type nursing homes of the past. Let him mull it over for a while. Download Durable Power of Attorney docs, will, Medical directive docs from LegalZoom.com and go over it with him but don't pressure him to sign anything. Explain what will most likely happen if he doesn't set it up now, when the county decides everything in the end and he won't like it (and neither will his shiftless son). The conversation is about him being in control of his future care and ensuring he gets the best he can for himself and his wife. That's all that is in your power to do for now.

They are leaving a big problem...yes, for HIM, not you. When he has to, he will get off his rear end and work or he will be homeless. My brother is not this bad, but he has not made any preparations for his old age and blows money fast as he gets it. His problem not mine and I will not own it. You have to take care of yourself. Good luck!

@kft4502, I am sorry you must watch this. It must be a very stressful situation.

Does this brother live with your parents?

You called him your youngest brother. Do you have other siblings?

Are you worried that you will have to pay his way when he blows through his inheritance, assuming there is one?

Because quite frankly, you should tell him to put his big boy pants on and quit sucking off his aged parents.

If he choses to continue with his attitude after they are gone you are in no way obligated to pay anything for him or provide him with a home. It is amazing how false pride goes by the wayside when you haven't eaten for a couple of days.

It is unfortunate that your parents are not willing to put things in writing, but not uncommon. My dad had to go through a crisis and almost die before he would appoint POAs, he has nothing left but SS so the rest didn't matter. But I am afraid that your mom is beyond appointing anyone and your dad may find himself up a creek without a paddle if he himself has any medical emergency.

Your brother, well, I believe that if you don't work, you don't eat and that can change things pretty quickly for a prideful, arrogant, entitled boy.

I know it’s not exactly your question but why on earth would you want to perpetuate the enabling your parents have done in allowing your brother to be a bum? Sorry if that sounds harsh, but having a hard time understanding that.
Meanwhile, if there is any way or anyone to convince your dad to see a lawyer to do a will hopefully he’ll go and plan for he and his wife, then treat both his adult children fairly

Other than getting them to an Elder Attorney sooner rather then later to make the necessary arrangements this will remain a financial minefield. A trust can set up to insure some of the assets to be protected.....but if they plan on using the 500k for their own eldercare, there might not be much left if they both need AL at some point. Since brother refuses to work will he be the caregiver? Why have your parents supported him all these years since he is perfectly capable of working? You say that this has been going on for so long that they should leave the money solely to him. Wrong. Your selfish, arrogant sibling has been enabled by your parents for all his life. I would think his sense of "entitlement" has run it's course. And to be honest.......I don't understand your complacency in all of this. Are you and your brother close? What is your relationship with your parents? And finally how can your parents justify (other than the fact he's a deadbeat) the blatant show of favoritism and you be okay with it? And for your brother...you don't need a PHD to figure out this family dynamic is dysfunctional.

"think they are immortal", ha ha, yes, that must explain it. My parents are the same, 89 and 86 and have enabled my addict brother all his life. Their will, done 30 years ago, has the estate split 50/50. We've spoken to them, had their social worker speak to them, about setting up my brother's share in some kind of trust so he doesn't waste whatever he inherits. But they are just too old to think about it. I think just day to day living is an uphill battle at this point. They sometimes grasp the situation, but they say "we will think about it". They just are too old to tackle setting up a trust and they don't trust me enough to manage the money for my brother so in the end, he will inherit.
Maybe you could try to have another family member/close trusted friend speak with them?

Having a difficult time understanding your logic. Your brother is a free loader, your parents are enablers, and, now you are concerned about your brother after they die? You want them to leave everything to him, because they have been supporting him for 47 years, somehow to me this thinking does not compute. How about they cut the ties now, and he get a job? All this worrying about your brother and enabling him has kept him stuck and is totally counter-productive, he will never become a responsible member of society. As for your question, there is nothing you can do if your parents do not want to draw up a will, or place the house in a trust, assuming that the home is in their name and if they still live there when they die, not being on Medicaid, the house will enter probate and be disposed of accordingly. Remaining funds to be distributed to the heirs of the estate.