I am a busy executive in a new marriage going on 5 years Feb 2022. My husband and I really enjoyed our relationship combining our households together, decorating our home and finally looked over to our holidays. We traveled every chance we got, even with my hectic career. We both have business acquaintances and friends that we enjoyed hosting at our home. Suddenly, my mother became ill two years ago and passed away at our home after a 2-week hospice. My 85-year-old Dad stayed during the hospice time and never left us since. My husband and I agreed out of love and sorrow that he could stay with us. We did everything we could to help him out, he sold his home, helped him square away his finances and attended to his medical needs. Hearing aides and enrolled him to counseling and introduced him to the senior center where he can find friends. My dad has absolutely no hobbies at all. He was dedicated to my mother and family all he had was us kids. After mom’s passing the family stopped coming around and there was COVID. After a couple weeks, he stopped counseling said he didn’t need it. Things were great still for about one year then he stopped wearing his hearing aides and became a couch potato with the TV blasted. We decided the home was not fit for our situation as there was no privacy and sold our home and relocated. Of course, the new home has not fixed the problem. And now my husband and I are unhappy and I’m sure my dad is as well. 1) my dad refuses to wear his hearing aids; he cannot hear without them and as a result cannot drive. He can’t hear the doorbell, relies on the dogs to bark and maybe he will react. TV is loud where we must ask him to turn it down all the time. 2) because he can’t hear, he interrupts our conversations. If my husband and I are having a conversation, he just walks in and interrupts. I’m not sure if its because he can’t hear, or he just doesn’t think about it. 3) my husband stopped talking to him unless he really needs to because he’s tired of shouting repeatedly so he could hear him. Just very stressful – I’ve asked/begged my dad to wear his hearing aids, asked him why he doesn’t and its one excuse after the other. They are very expensive and I’m always taking him to get them “repaired” and never anything wrong w/them. So fed up w/this. My husband feels that he’s downright inconsiderate and only cares about himself and disrespectful of us.
Another example is my husband has a bulldog that eats a special diet, my dad continuously feeds the dog table scraps. Twice now, he catches my dad red-handed giving the dog food out of the trash, French fries. My husband said, Dad Please no! don’t give it to him and right in front of his face, my dad gives it to the dog and says its just one! UGH! I confront my dad and tell him not to do it again and he brushes it off saying that its not bad for the dog but says he won’t. We set up boundaries that my dad has his bedroom downstairs and for his safety, we asked him not to go upstairs and he’s done it. We worry that he will fall because he falls all the time and refuses to use a cane or a walker. He leaves pans on the stove and had close calls where he sets of the smoke alarms and can’t hear them. We can’t leave him alone and feel confident and have no family members willing to come give us any time off. He's bored & I do what I can to help come up w/things for him.
My husband looks annoyed all the time, has one foot out the door to leave because he cannot handle the situation. We’ve lost our privacy, our social time with friends at our home. My dad on the other hand, walks around like nothing is going on (though I feel he’s also uncomfortable) but not willing to change. He can’t live alone but I don’t think I can live with the guilt I feel selfish & tearing me apart.
I would make sure you have financial and medical POAs set up. Find a good Continuing Care Community for him to enter at the Independent or Assisted Living phase.
This not a "would you like to ..." conversation. This is, "Dad, we have found 2 nice communities for you to look at. We have appointments to see them this week".
Offer a choice of 2; staying with you is not longer an option.
You can no longer provide the levele of care a d supervision that he needs. It's not safe for him to stay alone in your home and you both need the ability to come and go as you need.
Your sanity, you marriage and your ability to remain financially independent come first.
Help dad find a new place to live in Assisted Living and DO NOT feel guilty or 'torn apart' by wanting to live your OWN life now. That's how things should be: you and your husband lead your own lives and dad leads his. And then, if he doesn't want to wear his hearing aids and blasts his TV set on the highest volume, he'll have to deal with his neighbors and not you. Chances are though, his neighbors will also have THEIR TVs blasting so he'll be in good company! And, he's likely to develop a social life of his own once he's living in a senior environment.
We 'children' erroneously think our parents will wither away & die if they're left to their own devices in managed care. But lo and behold, they often THRIVE and have a great time instead. That's how it has been for my parents, who have lived in Assisted Living since 2014.
Also, speak to your siblings and see if they're willing to take their turn having him live with them if that is a preferable option to senior living. Don't hold your breath though, that's my suggestion.
Wishing you the best of luck recognizing the fact that your marriage is more important than anything right now. It's okay to put IT first, and get dad set up in AL or managed care of some kind.
If he needs help look for Assisted Living.
If he can manage independently then Independent Living would be an option.
In both there would be people around, but with IL he would get no help if he needed it (unless he hired a caregiver to come as often as needed)
You could still monitor him and be available when needed but you and your husband would have your privacy and marriage back.
Understand that the changes that come with dementia are not just the memory loss, but also affects their ability to navigate their day across the board. There are physical and mental changes occurring. There may be issues with how the brain interprets words or images. A person with dementia may be able to understand about 1 word in 4. None of his behaviors are deliberate, though they may seem to be--people with dementia can hang onto their ability to interact in a way that seems fairly normal. Do know that he can't remember any of the things you've discussed with him. Since that's the case he may get agitated when you remind him about those things-- to him it's new information. At that point, don't try to reason with him...let it go. Also take a browse through the Alz.org caregiver forums, you will get good information there about how to get started finding care, and see a lot of threads about behaviors.
https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=topics&f=151
A GREAT basic introduction to the moderate stages, but applies to how dementia starts to present:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cZTgG6kDjs
I would read this: http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf
Teepa Snow has very good videos about dementia.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6UYcYqP13s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5QMeQpkPhA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t--mkzfHuIE
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2E2lPBsUeBjA1Utglo8q6yANAijEf8cX
I also Like Vicki's series:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cetf0Q566Hc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIkTO4d8YyI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coiZbpyvTNg
See what seems familiar here: https://tamcummings.com/stages-of-dementia/
Consider if a pocket hearing amplifier would help--hearing aids can be hard for the elderly to adjust. There are some amplifiers on Amazon for about $40. I bought my mom a cheap Sony headset to go with hers-if you go that route make sure the jack fits. She'll use it on days her hearing seems poor if I tell her I don't want to yell.
I hope these help--good luck.
"I am an extremely busy executive responsible for 4 distribution centers and travel quite a bit. " So who watches your father when you aren't there? You state he can't be left alone.
"and our culture expects us to take care of our parents. I have no help from my two sisters at all. "
Then your culture also expects your sisters to take care of your parents. What could they do to help you out? I'm not saying anyone should have to take care of their parents, of course.
You've also written that it's hard to concentrate on your job because of your father's transportation needs, and you are the only one who drives him anywhere.
No wonder your H is resentful. 5 years isn't that long of a marriage, and he could decide it's just not worth it. Is that what you want? If not, then it's time for your father to live elsewhere.
What is your father's financial situation? Do you have POA/HCPOA?
Thank you and yes, working on POA/HCPOA, my dad never wanted to sign one but speaking to him about it today.
My dad can financially afford care luckily he took care of his affairs and is financially set. I am now looking into POA/HCPOA.
Sounds like for all involved, it's time to move dad to an IL facility where he can make friends (or not) have activities to do and be with people who are like him.
It's not an admission of failure, but rather of common sense and love. Having angry exchanges over dad feeding your DH's beloved dog is a childish thing to have going on.
The deafness thing I completely get. My DH has had H/A's for 3 years or so. He almost never wears them. I have to find him and make sure he's looking at me when I talk to him. Otherwise, I have no idea if he has heard me or not. These were the absolute top-of-the-line H/A's and he won't wear them. He WILL wear very expensive Bluetooth headphones, day and night. He has to have constant 'chatter' going on. Partly to block my voice, but also b/c he doesn't hear anything that's going on in the world. Really, so very sad.
It will be hard, but to keep peace in your marriage, which comes before your care of dad, he should be moved to a home that is more appropriate for him. It will be hard, but he'll adapt.
One thing that 'may' be an attraction for him is that the male to female ratio is like 1/10. The men at my mom's Sr Center are like honey to bees. Maybe some female adoration would not be amiss in this change. I've seen 90 yo women turn positively coy at the sight of an elderly man in the center. It's both disturbing and adorable.
Good Luck to you---this is a hard one and you are not alone!!
Now, as far as the Medical and Finacial POAs tell dad either he appoints one now, or later the court will take over and he won't have any choices.
Sending hugs and strength to cope with dad, but you need to get him out of your home ASAP
You choose or risk losing any choice.
I had to tell my dad I would walk away and never look back. Advocating without authority is a complete nightmare and totally not necessary. It took years off my life to be save his.
Even if you don't choose me, choose someone you trust was what I said.
Your dad is really being difficult though and it is a huge strain on your marriage. My husband is amazing considering that my mom has lived with us for 6 years now, but if my mom acted like your dad, I think even my hubby would be pushed to his limits!
Your dad is pretty obviously having some rather serious dementia. Or depression. Or something. Something big that needs addressing. Leaving pans on the stove? That's some serious stuff! He's going to burn your house down! Things like this are just not negotiable. Take the knobs off the stove and/or babyproof them ASAP.
So, you need to figure out what's best. A LOT of hired help at the house so you and hubby can get out and have dates and time away from dad. Lots of time. Or adult day care. Or assisted living. Although I think he might be beyond that level from your descriptions but an AL facility would be happy to evaluate him.
Speaking of evaluations, has he been screened for depression, etc.? He needs a good workup. There could be some meds he's on that can exacerbate his behavior. He could use some bloodwork to see if he's deficient in something like b12 or thyroid issues that could be throwing him off. So many things can make our elders behave poorly and drive us caregivers nutty.
Good luck.
Talk to your hubby and tell him that you value him and are working on a solution to ensure that your marriage comes first.
He obviously can not live alone, so please do not entertain that. He needs at least AL with continuing care at the same place, if possible. A needs assessment will help you know what type of facility you should be looking into. Your local area on aging will be able to direct you to resources for this next season in your life.
I would not disregard what your husband says, men communicate differently then women and your dad may very well be doing things intentionally to run your husband off. This ensures that you will continue to make him your 1st priority. Dementia is insidious and many behaviors outlive us in their minds. They can be manipulative, conniving, deceitful and very self serving in the depths of dementia, it's a self preservation thing and they are what matters to them, period. Remember that it is the disease and not your dad but, it doesn't change the facts that you have to protect your life and loved ones as well.
My dad actually verbalized that if he could get rid of my husband, everything would be fine, in front of my husband who was sitting on his blind side. Then he tried all kinds of behaviors that showed he thought he was the man of the house. He was not and neither is your dad. Your husband is and he should be treated as such, especially if you really want to save your marriage.
Finding him a place where he can be king of his castle may not make him happy, he will adjust, but, at least you won't lose your husband and happiness. Your hearts were in the right place, you just didn't think it through. Dad should have been allowed a respite and recovery period and then sent home with support in place, as needed.
It's late but, not to late to fix this situation. Of course, placing your dad will be hard, one of the hardest things we ever have to do IMO. It is okay though. You will still be there, only as his daughter and advocate. You will make sure and find the facility that you believe is best and you will advocate to ensure it is, you will move him, if needed but, you will have the man that you chose to spend the rest if your life with at home to comfort you through this.
Talk with your husband today and get a transition plan going. He will love you all the more for making him your #1 man again.
i think sometimes the problem is also where you live...the country/town/etc...
where i live, the facilities are absolutely terrible.
people are miserable there.
completely over-drugged, so they don't bother staff.
so unhappy.
i have seen it; and i know people who worked there, who say it's just awful, they would absolutely never put their own parents there.
there isn't always a "nice" memory care, assisted living facility, NH, available (let's say, even if money wouldn't be an issue).
-----so, finding a good solution for elderly LOs, is TRULY TRICKY, for many loving family members.
and hiring in-home caregivers...that can be tricky too.
even with cameras.
we've had terrible experiences...theft, incompetence, etc...
recently, i found very kind caregivers (private) (through word of mouth; i asked around).
agency caregivers have been a nightmare: uncaring, thieves, incompetent...
many of us are really in difficult situations. it's not easy to decide what's the best way forward -- for our LOs, AND for our own life.
...i do think we were not born, to then have our life robbed.
...our parents didn't give birth to us, to then steal our life from us.
hugs!!
so many decisions depend on how much money our LOs have...
the more money, the more options.
we live in a tough world.
but there are many kind people who exist, as testified for example, by all the wonderful, caring, loving people on this website!
hugs everyone!!!
i wish us to find good ways forward.
and luck.
we all need some luck.
hug!!!
Now it is time for you to improve everyone’s quality of life.
I don’t think your dad is trying to be difficult. It sounds, however, like he is living in a situation that is far from the sought-after “perfection” — and he shouldn’t have to spend the remainder of his years walking on eggshells. Certainly you want him to be happy, without constant eye rolls, which eventually will turn into flare-ups or worse.
If your dad doesn’t find hearing aids effective or comfortable, maybe wireless headphones could solve the TV volume problem, or a Ring doorbell with video could help assist the dogs when you receive visitors or deliveries, but these annoyances are only the tip of the iceberg.
It sounds like your Dad has coped fairly well with the loss of your Mom. A lot of widowers struggle. He has rolled well with the punches (that continually keep coming his way from sources other than his loss). He also sounds to be mentally fairly intact, with the exception of hearing loss and probably additional natural and expected aging-related losses.
So, find him an assisted living or senior apartment situation where he can listen to his TV comfortably (for him). Select a place where his neighbors won’t judge, criticize or scold regarding his disability. Because there are inevitably more widows than widowers, he could even be the “belle of the ball.”
You also mentioned your - because of your dad - lackluster social life…. According to international health news, it is still uncool to do much entertaining. but you can start dusting off the high balls snd setting out the pretty doilies without him underfoot.
When your dad moves out, you may find out that your marriage isn’t what you want it to be. Your dad didn’t cause the problem. The stress of living with a “third” wheel merely put a spotlight on some problems that are inherent (or may have been overlooked by you earlier). Don’t blame him for this.
Are you concerned that you might be treated this way as you age? This could be a red flag.
It sounds like the pets could be getting more kindness, consideration and respect than the people who live in your house.
By the way, coming from a lifetime pet owner and lover, your dad is right about the French fry. It could be possible that the $$$ bag of “veterinarian-approved” specialty dog food contains more troubling, questionable and harmful ingredients than scraps of food qualified for human consumption.
If Dad is not safe alone - and it seems like that is a huge issue - then you and your husband should talk about other options for dad. He may do better in assisted living with aides checking in on him and social activities to engage in. He also might do well with a home health aide who also provides companionship. If you can afford it and want dad to stay with you, please consider creating an "mini apartment" for him to give him a space that is his own and spaces that are your own. You need to regain some "alone time" as a couple and unfortunately your dad seems to not be able to honor need. Seek some of those other living options to allow your marriage relationship to thrive.
It is a father who is grieving and likely has given up.
Likely depressed, he doesn't respect himself nor anyone else around him.
It is a health / mental health / dementia problem.
The dad is communicating his wishes very well (wants a tv on loud . . . wants to feed the dog whatever he wants . . . wants what he wants and doesn't care about others, out of a multitude of feelings. He is likely very frightened too - to be on his own, without his spouse.
Some posters have mentioned that maybe your marriage isn't what you think it is....I wouldn't entertain those thoughts at the moment. You have lost a parent, moved to a new house to accommodate the other parent and have moved him into your home. All of those things would stress a marriage of 40 years let a lone one of only 5 years. Get dad situated where he can get 24/7 care and be around folks he has something in common with. You can go back to being his daughter who has a full time job, a home and a relatively new marriage that deserves attention. That is not being selfish... that is life.
Can you add on to your home for a Inlaws Quarters or turn one garage in to one tgen Dad can live in his own place?
Set up Nest Cameras to be able to keep an eye on him 24 7.
My Dad didn't want to wear his expensive hearing aides either as they pick up lots of unwanted noise
Bup Dad some TV Ears and let him know he can only watch TV wearing them and that way he can have the volumn as loud as he wants.
You and husband hire a Sitter to come stay with Dad at least once a week for a Date Night.
Call and speak with Free things available for Seniors and maybe Dad can attend some daytime things.
Also plan a weekend get a way once month.
Much cheaper than a Divorce.
Prayers
Number one. You will not live in a house with a tv blasting all the time or with people who do not respect your home. He wears his hearing aids, or he can watch tv with the sound turned off and the closed captions on.
Number two. Stop feeding the dog food that you do not provide. Maybe give him a fee dog treats that he can keep and give to the dog.
Number three. He's going to go to the senior center or adult day care three days a week. One or two of those days will be on the week-end. This way you and your husband get time together.
Number four. You and your husband are taking a vacation. So when that day comes he either goes into respite care in a facility or a family member takes him. No arguments.
Number five. He does not touch the stove. No cooking. Agree to bring in some hired homecare companions during the day to stay with him.
Number six. If he can't stay downstairs, put a lock on the door.
Make yourselves very clear that if your father cannot or will not abide by these rules, he will not be allowed to continue living with you.
Your husband's annoyance will very easily graduate to filing for divorce. Believe me nothing can ruin a happy marriage faster than an elderly in-law. Please put your husband first.
If dementia in the mix, compassion and boundaries - however they need to be set. Daddy needs to move out.
Many seniors--dementia or not--devolve into being very demandy. But like a kid, they are playing you to see how far you'll let it go. Burnt's list makes it clear, in writing, what some things he can specifically do are.
You will probably find he starts following the rules, if only because he likes living with you better than The Dreaded Home. However, if he keeps living, an AL will be in his future even with the rule following, so I'd also make it a rule that when you guys go on holiday weekends or whatever, he is going to an AL on respite.
I've taken care of a lot of seniors over the last 25 years and know how they can get. They will see how far they can push just the same as children will.
Dementia or no, there must be boundaries and rules that have to be enforced. When the rules and boundaries are not being abided there has to be consequences the same as there are with children.
I've cared for many elderly people who enjoyed complaining as entertainment and instigating fights. I'm currently in a caregiving situation like this with my own parent.
The consequence for complaining and instigating is being ignored and getting zero attention. It works.