my mom is supposed to move to the states sometime soon and my husband finally told me that he doesn’t want my mom to move in with us and he doesn’t want her to stay with us for more than a year. Growing up my mom wasn’t a bad mom but could be manipulative at times and she was harsh and restrictive to me as a girl. She controlled my life till I was 23 years old and moved to the state. Even before I get married she would tell me that I can’t have a boyfriend unless I marry him in less than a year and can’t live with him ( my mom is Muslim and religious). Now I have been married for 5 years ( we’re both 30) and my husband says he doesn’t want my mom to live with us from now .. he says we are at the beginning of our lives and I want to build my life without having to pay for your mom ( she won’t have any income or incoming money and she is 65 with back issues and arthritis, diabetes,.. and she won’t qualify for any benefits as she is going to be a new resident ) he is worried that this will take a toll on our relationship as he won’t feel comfortable in his own house. I don’t know what to do.. or how to tell my mom. I don’t want to lose my relationship. Any advice?
Your husband is being too generous, and he’s 100% RIGHT.
Listen to them and your husband.
Your mother is only 65, she could live for another 30 years and if you start this now, it will never end, once you move her in, she will not leave willingly and that opens another can of worms!
Your husband has made it clear, listen to him, he is your priority.
You tell your mom she cannot live with you b/c your husband is not comfortable with the arrangement. Blame him. Sorry mom, I love you but I have to defer to my husband on this. We'll come to visit as we are able, but we cannot move you to the USA.
Nip this potential catastrophe in the bud BEFORE it happens so that you're not trying to figure out how to get mom OUT of your house once she's settled in there, snug as a bug in a rug. Moving her here 'for a year' means you'll never be able to move her BACK to where she came from!!!! Big mistake.
Read these boards. See for yourself how hard it is to actually DO that!
There will be people here that disagree with me, and that's fine. This is just my opinion based on years of dealing with a difficult mother who did NOT live with me, but who caused me and my husband A LOT of heartache nonetheless. 10.5 years of caring for her and a lot of time and energy spent trying to deal with OUR lives and her life at the same time. Our marriage suffered a LOT of hits as a result, trust me on that.
Good luck.
The larger problem is that you will have to pay for everything from the get go. Meaning hubs will have to help pay. Like Lea said, it is extraordinarily expensive to even get medical insurance for someone 65 plus, if you can even find it.
Trust me, if she moves here she'll be 100% dependent on you for everything -- support, food, housing, medical, and social life. You won't have a minute to yourselves.
I wouldn't do it for more than a week's vacation, let alone a year.
Your husband is very wise. This WILL destroy your marriage, so make the choice now -- Mom or husband.
Your DH is not saying mom can NEVER live with you--he's just putting a time frame out there, and I think that's really good of him. You are still essentially newlyweds and mom will certainly be 'in the way'--a year will give you time to help her acclimate and to find out what her options are as to housing, etc. As she is coming in as a foreigner, I have no clue what rules would apply, but start NOW and get as much info as you can as soon as you can. Let her know she will be with you for PERHAPS as long as a year, but possibly less as you will want her to be independent.
Can you find a Muslim 'community' for her? She will be most comfortable if she has like minded 'friends'.
You can always be a support, but your first 'person' is your hubby.
Since you and mom do not have a stellar relationship, it's best you respect that she probably hasn't changed at all and now she'll be in your home, definitely upsetting the dynamic between you and DH. Do you think that just b/c you're married, mom will give you space to build your marriage? Just a guess on my part, but I think she will just continue on as she has before. And that will get old--fast!
So--I'd suggest you contact someone who can guide you in this process. Hopefully you can get started NOW finding mom's 'new home'. She will probably require in home CG's and paying for that shouldn't be your responsibility--you have your work cut out for you.
You're an adult now and in the driver's seat. Of course you want to respect mom (and that is hard when the history has not been great) but you sound like a kind hearted person and I wish you the best.
Others with real experience with this will chime in. I can only 'vote' for the year (or less) and be grateful that DH spoke his mind BEFORE mom got here.
Theres another poster here who brought her mom over from India. This poster recounted about how one day they came in to encounter dear old mom standing over her toilet with actual feces running through her hands, crying that she thought the feces needed to be put somewhere.
My younger two sisters thought our mom needed so much help, starting when mom was 50-55. I’m oldest, realized this was a future potential problem and yes, 30 years later, the youngest daughter does everything for mom. She never moved out, so she is their full-time caregiver, and is very happy not working, and being with them every minute. Be careful what you put in motion. Take care.