My MIL lives alone about 20 minutes from us. While I like her, she's not the kind of person I can be around for long periods of time because she complains constantly and always wants everything to be about her. She was widowed two years ago and clearly struggles with depression but refuses to get help. She complains about being lonely but will not leave the house to try anything that might connect her with other people in her situation.
While I feel sorry for her, I don't like how she treats my husband and constantly demands that he come to her house to fix little things we suspect she breaks on purpose. My husband gets frustrated with her easily and then is difficult to deal with at home when he is stressed.
Yesterday, MIL fell in the garage and hurt her leg. Fortunately, she did not break anything, but this is her second fall in 2 months. She also has diabetes and mobility issues. It's clear that she can't continue to live at home on her own. We had been planning to try to move her closer to us into a retirement community with cottages where she might meet other people her age. Now the community that is being built is out of her price range.
My husband seems to have already decided that we are going to build an addition ($100,000!!!) to our house and move her in, even though in previous conversations, we have both agreed that we don't want her to live with us. I don't believe that having a separate living space would keep her from constantly being in our house, complaining and demanding attention. He seems to think she'll just stay in her own place and watch TV all day. We have only been married for a couple of years, and I think this is a terrible idea. We need our private space with our kids (blended family). I'm very concerned - and have told him so - that her presence will cause problems with our marriage.
I would appreciate any suggestions for how to convince him that we should not move MIL into our house, even into a separate space like a connected suite. He thinks that she will refuse to move into assisted living, but also seems to think they are terrible places. I've been to some and they are pretty nice (though expensive).
Thank you for your help!
I would tell him I understand his dilemma, but that imho Mom needs placement if she cannot remain on her own.
I would not argue why.
I would not discuss my own issues.
I would simply say I have limitations, I understand that I am not a Saint and won't be applying for Sainthood soon, but that it is a very simple me or Mom proposition.
So that is where I am in all of this. The discussion would stop right there. And if the building of the addition began I would leave RIGHT THEN AND THERE and go on my own. I would remain sweet to my beloved hubby and I would tell him I can perhaps help with shopping and the occ. casserole, but I will be busy making my own life.
Now it's up to you. You can only decide for you. If you let your husband go ahead with all this without making him understand you cannot do this and may leave then it is ON YOU when the marriage ends and ends with bankruptcy. You already know you don't want this. The reasons are not important. I am not here to argue the issue of how nice MIL is or how much privacy you will have (you WON'T have ANY) or how much care you won't have to do or and of the rest of it.
If you cannot bring yourself to be honest here, and are not certain in your own mind where you stand then I suggest counseling RIGHT NOW. Because this is coming fast, and will be here before you know it.
Reference another poster today who moved Dad in and now Dad is sitting and saying "Too bad. I am not leaving. I am not going anywhere."
I am being tough here, but imho you need to "get this", or you will be drowning in decade of caregiving to someone you don't even LIKE instead of spending the best, the most carefree time of your life, you and your husband, traveling, perhaps building a little second home in the woods to watch the wildlife as I did with my Partner.
Please think about this. Get help. Give up the wishy-washy and embrace your own limitations and your own needs for your OWN LIFE.
I wish you the best. Believe me. I DO.
It isn't.
She needs to stand strong or this is ONE and DONE and it means the destruction and unhappiness of three people. I hope she can stop this and stand firm.
You've talked to each other, you've each started forming (pretty much opposed) plans, you've concluded that she can't continue to live alone. But has either of you asked her what she thinks about beginning to move forward?
Meanwhile, ask her to consider a falls alarm. I'd take yesterday's incident as pretty positive, seeing as she apparently managed to get herself out of it (did she?); but I haven't yet met a client who was sorry she had an alarm. Plenty who'd been very sorry they hadn't, though.
Like I have told my husband for years, two women cannot live in the same house. One always considers it hers and resents anything the other tries to do. Like you, I liked my MIL but I did not love her. Because of lies she told people concerning me I only visited when my DH was with me. I am sure that if she returned here to live after FIL died, she would be doing exactly what ur MIL does. I TG that the decision for her to live with us never needed to be made. She passed at the age of 92.
So MIL has options. There must be more affordable places than the cottages. Maybe a nice apartment nearby. Sell her house and use those proceeds to offset her SS and any pension she may receive. Depending on her age and health issues maybe a nice AL. But the proceeds of the house will only last so long. So then its Medicaid paying for her care in a nice LTC facility.
Like I said age should be a factor in your decision. If Mom is in her 60s even 70s, she could live another 20 or 30 years. Her needs, especially as a diabetic, will change and are you willing to be her Caregiver. Some of the questions on this forum are "How do I get my husband to care for his mother, he seems to think thats my job"
Does husband think that he can use proceeds of the sale of Moms house to build the addition? If Mom needs Medicaid within the next 5 years, those proceeds will be considered a gift and there will be a penalty. Medicaid does not look at the addition as something done for Mom but something you profit from if u sell your house. Any upgrades done for Mom do not get done out of her money if there is a likelihood she will need Medicaid within 5 yrs of the upgrade.
Construction materials are very high now. Maybe better putting the addition on hold and finding her a nice apt nearby. Then go from there. DH needs to set boundries especially if he gets frustrated with his Mom. He has to be ready to enforce them too. "No Mom, I cannot come over right now". He does not break plans with your or the kids to run over to Moms to fix a sink that she can call a plumber to do. Really, she would have to wait either way. She will try to step over these boundries its up to husband to stand firm. He has a family and they have priority.
Asking someone what she would like for her latter years equally does not imply that you're offering your own home, and especially not if the adaptations would cost $100K - I don't see anything to suggest that MIL herself even sees this as being on the cards. I think the OP and her DH are making the classic error of guessing in advance what the person will say without consulting her, and this is the conversation that needs to be had *before* anybody packs to leave or anybody else hires an architect.
She can move into the 'in-law' suite.
Just want you to realize that members like me and Alva are older Seniors, me 72 and Alva 80. A number of us in that age group. Some of us married at least twice. Most have had parents move in and regretted it, especially when there are children still at home. I cared for my Mom, 86, for 20 months and I found I was not a Caregiver and with her money placed her in an AL and later LTC. And she was easy. The problem was me. Alva had a brother in an AL and took care of everything he was not able to. As others on the forum, we have been there. I had it easy compared to a lot of members.
We tend to look at Caring thru Rose colored glasses. That Dementia lady on TV rocking away in her rocker staring at the wall, someone says "whats wrong with her?" "senial ". Believe me those suffering from Dementia do not sit in a rocker all day staring at a Wall. You will be caring for this woman if u bring her into ur home. I had two friends with diabetes, one juvenile the other #2. Both had leg amputations because gangrene set in. Both wheelchair bound and lucky they had spouses who cared for them.
I think your husband is looking at this as a solution so he doesn't have to run back and forth. The one thing I would say to him is, you bring her here, you are responsible for her. Tell him just because she lives there does not mean she needs to be included in everything you do as a family. If she gets to the point she needs to be cared for physically, he will be doing it right down to bathing and showering unless she hires an aide. Her neediness is going to get worse. She will be crying how lonely she is. No one cares. The kids don't talk to me. (Kids are smart, they can leave)
Me, I would be perfectly happen with a bathroom, bedroom and sitting room (with a fridg and microwave) added on to daughters house. She probably would never see me. No different than being in my Den all day.
Rehearse your wording then find the right time when your husband is listening & tell him how you feel. Depending on your style, be gentle or be brutally blunt.
Explain all the details if you like or make it one sentence... but leave the message clear *MIL will not live with us*. This is Not Negotiable.
When he starts with the "But.. " separate dwelling fantasy..
You can explain you love her etc but two Queens in one castle seldom works. Unhappy wife = Unhappy life (for him).
Or you can paint a picture of how he will be at her beck & call all day - & night. Because it will ALL be on him as you have said no already. Does he really want to be that position?
Or if you have journalist streak, pepper him with questions. Why do you want her to live here? Do you think that makes you a "good" son? Are you afraid of how others will judge you of she moves to IL/AL? Get to the bottom of his reasons.
If the hints of 'Mother may need to move in' turns into a unmovable fact in his head - make your boundaries crystal clear.
ideas would be;
1. He cannot move his Mother into your home without your permission.
2. However, he CAN leave to move in with his Mother.
3. If he does move Mother in without your permission, you will leave.
4. You can consider Mother staying *temporarily* IF you both agree eg to recover from a hospital stay or illness. But only if she has a forwarding address & adequate care arrangements to follow on.
Good luck!
If you click on Care Topics on the top right of the screen, you will find a list of topics. Click on M for Multi Generational Living to start. You will find other examples under virtually every topic, from incontinence to abuse.
If you still have to have the talk that Country Mouse is suggesting, it would be good to lead with the other options. Use the Care Topics to check out Senior Living, Independent Living, Assisted Living, and complexes that will move up to Nursing Home and Memory Care. Take MIL to see local IL and AL places, perhaps have a meal there and look over the facility. If that’s too difficult, most facilities have attractive web sites. Certainly don’t start with the option to ‘move in here’! If that topic comes up, say that first of all it’s important to check out the other options which have so much more to offer – particularly to a young elder who finds it difficult to make new friends and find activities to enjoy.
DH is already frustrated and stressed when she wants him unnecessarily. If the same thing happens when she lives with you, he will be just as stressed as before and YOU WILL BE FAR MORE STRESSED every day. There will be additional stress over boundaries, rules, complaints …
DH really needs to know that if he can’t cope with her now, it will be MUCH WORSE for him, and for you. Blended families have their issues, and stressed out parents don’t work well for any of the kids. He may relate to his own issues, even if he can't grasp yours.
Try looking into BMR (Below Market Rate) housing in the community being built.
She still might need a caregiver wherever she lives.
I told her that no one knows all the details of something like that unless they've done it. So I gave her some discussion points. One included bodily functions that inevitably have to be dealt with (urine, feces, vomit, etc.)
(She said, "Ohhh, I never thought of that....)
My niece avoids direct combat at all costs so I had to laugh when she relayed the following:
Her: Who's gonna clean 'em up if they poop?
Him: (vacant stare)
Her: IT AIN'T GONNA BE ME.
I didn't know she had it in her. I was such a proud aunt.
List all the details of care required (enlist the help of someone who would know if you don't) as well as what can be expected in the future for the care of aging person, especially with existing conditions.
This should take pages. Pages, I say.
Put it under his darling, little nose---maybe even with a "sign up" part (this will be the fun part for you, if not illuminating for both of you.)
Aside from showing him the reality of it, remain objective. You don't want to appear selfish. It's those who don't imagine themselves taking an active role (like a husband who thinks everything will be accomplished by your magic wand) don't have a clue what it takes to care for someone--I guarantee it.
Reality vs. the magic kingdom. Objectivity vs. emotional or personal pleas/motives.
Men are also pretty slow at learning new things... this may take more than a minute, so big, deep breath and let him figure it out for you!!! Take him on a journey into the future:
Start to ask him questions like:
"What do you think it will REALLY be like to have mom in the house with us?"
"What do you think it will do to our: Marriage? Free time? Family life?"
"What's going to happen when she needs care beyond what you can provide?
"How is mom going to make friends and socialize if she's living with us?
Ask him questions like:
"What he will do if mom has poopy pants and I'm not around to clean her?"
"Will you be able to take time off work to drive her to her doctor's appointments?"
"Are you okay with her having dinner with us every night or will you help her make her own dinner?"
All I am saying is, Yes, build the $100,000 in-law apartment, but instead of moving her in, rent it out as an Airbnb and use the profits to pay for mom's care!
Maybe he'll catch on.... he's a man, take it slow! Be kind! Don't argue! Give him a few sleepless nights... then call a quality home healthcare agency and get mom REALLY taken care of!
Maybe your husband has his eye on the proceeds of the sale of her house?
If Mil ever needs more care and does not have the funds, she may need Medicaid. If that happens, she may not qualify because the $100,000 addition to your home will be considered gifting. Medicaid has a look back period, some are 5 years.
My husband still talks about building on and having his mom live with us, we already moved her out of state into a MC facility to be closer. Absolutely NOT! He can talk and dream all he wants but it is not happening while we are married.
I remind him:
who is going to clean her after toileting or accidents?
who is going to help her bathe? Get dressed?
who is going to take her to all of her appointments?
who is going to sit in the ER 3 times a week because she pulls out her catheter?
who is going to make meals for her?( he doesn’t eat properly when Intravel to help take care of my mom)
He has tried multiple times….sometimes he gets it sometimes he doesn’t. What he sees is his mom in a facility. He has even tried reverse psychology on me by suggesting my mom come live with us….NO.
my suggestion is….if she has a home, sell it. Rent a place closer to you. Hire caregivers for 4-6 hrs a day and THEN when hubby is off of work he gets to relieve the caregivers.
under no circumstances do you pitch in. Do not make it easier for him. So if you have to stop now doing anything then do that. Men have no idea(well some men don’t)
good luck!!
Because it sounds like that MIL doesn't have the family support she will need as her health declines and her needs will not be address nor cared for by this spouse!
So, in other words, you're not willing to learn how to deal, treat, encourage, or set boundaries with his mom? If you are a parent, then you know that kids complain constantly and it's always about them. Didn't you learn how to set boundaries with them and teach them that the world is not going to expect them to constantly complain and that it won't always be about them?
This is how you treat, teach and encourage your husband's mom to live with you. Now, you and your husband have become sort of her parents.
My brother and me placed our mom into an expensive nursing home. We believed that because it was an expensive nursing home, she would be safe. The experience for our mom was horrible. She lost a lot of weight and she developed a skin infection. These are clear signs of negligence. She now lives with me, and at days it does become difficult, but I will NEVER do that to my mother again. Now I have nurse that comes into my home several days a week to help with her meals, bath time and helps her to exercise.
With regards to your MIL, this is his mom, and when you said for 'better or for worse' that includes learning and gaining ways to help him as well. Now, if it becomes medically necessary, then you get her into a medical facility that might treat a special situation. THERE ARE other alternatives as well. Look for a medical insurance that covers home health. This way, you have have a nurse that comes in several times a week to help with your MIL. It is far less expensive than a nursing home. She is HIS mom. Let me type this again, she is HIS mom.
Or, are you constantly complaining and making it about you?