I am my mother's sole caregiver since 2021 and I live with her. I have a sister but she only helps to take her to doctor's appointments. When she was being discharged from the hospital my sister said to me- "You're on your own now". Nice, right?
I have been seeing my boyfriend for 8 years. He always wanted to move to South Carolina but I didn't want to leave my mom alone because even though she didn't get diagnosed with all her health issues until 2021- COPD, Congestive Heart Failure, high blood pressure, erosive gastritis, low thyroid, etc., I knew she wasn't well. She never wanted to see a doctor. She was nearly dead until she finally agreed to go.
So back to the boyfriend, he got fed up and moved in July 2023. We are doing long distance but he is getting tired of waiting. He wants my mother and I to move. My mom refuses. I'm stuck in the middle. What do I do? I asked my sister if she could take care of her. Of course- she said no. She said she would put her right in a nursing home. If my mom gets to the point that I can no longer take care of her by myself then I would have to do that but not right now.
What would you do? If I don't move soon- I will lose my boyfriend. If I move- my mom will go in a nursing home and I will feel awful for the rest of my life. I have been feeling completely stressed and depressed for such a long time now. I just want to feel happy again.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you so much!
Sister is not the 'understudy' - is not obliged to step forward if/when Upset steps back.
The responsibility lays with the Mother to arrange her own life & care (unless POA has needed to take over).
You aren't responsible for your Mother's happiness. She isn't being reasonable or cares about your life. This is wrong of her.
The caregiving arrangement needs to work for the caregiver or it isn't a viable arrangement. If you stay you will burn out and become depressed and resentful.
Considering all her health issues, I would have her assessed for LTC, which in every state is covered by Medicaid. Hopefully you are your Mom's PoA and you can make this decision in her best interests whether she likes it or not. Will she like it if you leave? Then if she's rational she'll choose to move. I realize it's a huge step for someone her age and health... but as a Mother myself I cannot imaging guilting my child into being my endentured servant for the remainder of my life.
In SC, do not bring your Mother into your home to care for her, even if your BF agreed it. This would be a moral and ethical mistake and your life would still orbit around your Mother and not your BF.
My MIL is in LTC in a very nice facility (on Medicaid). It's a beautiful place where she gets excellent care and interacts with a caring staff who encourage her to attend the activities and events. She gets way way more social exposure and has more "fun" there than she ever would if she were cooped up in a single room in my house with a burned out and resentful son and DIL.
Go live your life. This is the loving wish every normal parent has for their child.
I guess I just think and feel differently than most of everyone commenting on here. Plus when you comment on other's lives- especially when YOU- yourself haven't experienced it- it's not the same.
So the fact that you're not says a lot, and tells me that it's time to let this poor man go so he can get on with his life and find someone that puts him first in their life and that truly loves him.
You are obviously not in a position for any kind of romantic relationship as long as you are putting your mother first.
And I must say...shame on your mother for being so very selfish that she would allow her daughter to not live and enjoy her life, but instead be strapped down caring for her, when there are plenty of other options out there for her, i.e. hiring part-time or full-time help, moving into an assisted living facility or the like.
So until you can put on your big girl panties and decide that your life matters too and that your mother will be just fine(under others care)if you move on without her, I hope you live happily ever after with your mother.
Then the nursing home - there are good nursing homes where a person gets 24/7 care by professionals. This could benefit your mom a lot. She'd have friends, outings, birthday celebrations, entertainment, medical supervision, visiting musicians and pets, and transportation to medical appointments. That looks a whole lot better than living with either you or your sister.
Go visit several skilled nursing facilities. Or maybe assisted living facilities, if she doesn't need skilled nursing yet. You will be pleasantly surprised.
Stay as your Mother's fulltime caregiver.
Your committment is to your Mother.
Move with your boyfriend.
Make a life with him.
Accept your Mother needs a new solution for her health care needs.
Brutal choice.
Which one does your gut instict tells you is right for you?
Which would you regret more?
Losing your relationship with your boyfriend? Or losing your identity of being Mom's Caregiver?
How to have both?
Could you be with your BF but remain a loving daughter who calls, visits & advocates for your Mother?