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You deserve to be happy again. I would hire a caregiver for mom parttime for now.You have done your best and to give up the one you love could make you resent all the good things you have done for mom.That is such a hard place to be in.Your sister and mom are being selfish.Mom needs to let go and sister needs to help.
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Beatty Mar 7, 2024
Actually I would say the sister is free to choose - to help or not.

Sister is not the 'understudy' - is not obliged to step forward if/when Upset steps back.

The responsibility lays with the Mother to arrange her own life & care (unless POA has needed to take over).
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No man in his right mind would want to come second to your Mother.

You aren't responsible for your Mother's happiness. She isn't being reasonable or cares about your life. This is wrong of her.

The caregiving arrangement needs to work for the caregiver or it isn't a viable arrangement. If you stay you will burn out and become depressed and resentful.

Considering all her health issues, I would have her assessed for LTC, which in every state is covered by Medicaid. Hopefully you are your Mom's PoA and you can make this decision in her best interests whether she likes it or not. Will she like it if you leave? Then if she's rational she'll choose to move. I realize it's a huge step for someone her age and health... but as a Mother myself I cannot imaging guilting my child into being my endentured servant for the remainder of my life.

In SC, do not bring your Mother into your home to care for her, even if your BF agreed it. This would be a moral and ethical mistake and your life would still orbit around your Mother and not your BF.

My MIL is in LTC in a very nice facility (on Medicaid). It's a beautiful place where she gets excellent care and interacts with a caring staff who encourage her to attend the activities and events. She gets way way more social exposure and has more "fun" there than she ever would if she were cooped up in a single room in my house with a burned out and resentful son and DIL.

Go live your life. This is the loving wish every normal parent has for their child.
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UpsetCaregiver Mar 7, 2024
I don't understand this second place and all that. It just sounds so high school. If he were in my place and he took care of his mother- I would NEVER demand he put me first. It's his mother and she needs him. She's sick and probably won't be around much longer. I would understand and allow him to have this time with her. And I would NEVER leave him and move states away AND demand that he move with or without his mother. I would NEVER suggest he put his mother in a nursing home. If I were putting friends, work or other superficial things first before him- I could understand being upset but my mom??
I guess I just think and feel differently than most of everyone commenting on here. Plus when you comment on other's lives- especially when YOU- yourself haven't experienced it- it's not the same.
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If you honestly loved your boyfriend with all your heart and soul, this wouldn't even be a discussion, as you'd already be in South Carolina with him living and enjoying your life.
So the fact that you're not says a lot, and tells me that it's time to let this poor man go so he can get on with his life and find someone that puts him first in their life and that truly loves him.
You are obviously not in a position for any kind of romantic relationship as long as you are putting your mother first.
And I must say...shame on your mother for being so very selfish that she would allow her daughter to not live and enjoy her life, but instead be strapped down caring for her, when there are plenty of other options out there for her, i.e. hiring part-time or full-time help, moving into an assisted living facility or the like.
So until you can put on your big girl panties and decide that your life matters too and that your mother will be just fine(under others care)if you move on without her, I hope you live happily ever after with your mother.
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UpsetCaregiver Mar 7, 2024
I am not holding him hostage. If he wants someone else then he should tell me. He decided to move knowing the situation I was in. If this is too much for him- he could break up with me.
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I wouldn't sacrifice the only life I'll ever have for mom. If you love your boyfriend and want a life together, you deserve that. If you lose him and never find anyone else (because no one wants a relationship with you because your mom always comes first), you'll feel awful for the rest of your life. So in your mind you've set up feeling awful for the rest of your life whether you choose your mom or your boyfriend. This isn't a good way to think.

Then the nursing home - there are good nursing homes where a person gets 24/7 care by professionals. This could benefit your mom a lot. She'd have friends, outings, birthday celebrations, entertainment, medical supervision, visiting musicians and pets, and transportation to medical appointments. That looks a whole lot better than living with either you or your sister.

Go visit several skilled nursing facilities. Or maybe assisted living facilities, if she doesn't need skilled nursing yet. You will be pleasantly surprised.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Let the boyfriend go.
Stay as your Mother's fulltime caregiver.
Your committment is to your Mother.

Move with your boyfriend.
Make a life with him.
Accept your Mother needs a new solution for her health care needs.

Brutal choice.

Which one does your gut instict tells you is right for you?

Which would you regret more?
Losing your relationship with your boyfriend? Or losing your identity of being Mom's Caregiver?

How to have both?
Could you be with your BF but remain a loving daughter who calls, visits & advocates for your Mother?
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