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I always find it interesting when the concept of "honor thy father and mother" is invoked as a reason for conscripted or even voluntary caregiving at the expense of one's own life.

HONOR: (noun) - High respect or esteem; adherence to what is right or to a conventional standard of conduct

Now, I'm not going to pick apart honoring - I'm on board. (though I do think many people forget the rest of that conveniently - the part about fathers not provoking your children to wrath - but I digress)

What I want to address is exactly WHY people always dig in and are so highly offended when people - especially people who have BTDTGTS (that would be Been There, Done That, Got The T-Shirt in case you are wondering) so strongly encourage - without fail - that people pursue their own life.

Let's revisit: Your mother CHOSE to have you. You didn't choose to be born. A popular argument but valid. She chose to have you, so she OWED you a certain level of meeting your needs until such time as you were able to do so yourself. Some mothers do that hands on 24/7. Others do that by hiring help or finding a family member who can care for their child or by working opposite shifts from dad. But they aren't HANDS ON caregiving 24 hours a day.

It doesn't matter though - because whether a mom is hands on caregiving 24 hours a day or her children spend time in the care of others at some point - MOM is still coordinating care and ensuring that her child(ren) are well cared for and all of their needs are met.

Why do I say that? Because honoring your parents does not mean that you have to be their hands on caregiver. Honoring doesn't really have anything to do with taking care of someone. I honor my mother every day and don't lift a finger to take care of her because she doesn't need it. But since there are also verses that address taking care of the elderly and that the role should fall to children first - I will say that doesn't SAY you have to DO it yourself. Only that you should see that it is DONE.

That doesn't mean you have to martyr yourself and sacrifice YOUR entire life to do it. You can find trusted caregivers to do it and you can oversee that her needs are met.

Did your mom get the opportunity to live her life? Get married? Have children? (that's a touch of sarcasm). Why aren't you entitled to that as well? You deserve to have the same chance at life that she did before she needed care.

You can fulfill the things that are expected of you - AND have a life. You just have to understand that you don't have to do it all in person with your own hands.

As far as the BF- maybe with all of the rollercoaster ride that your relationship has been - maybe it is time to move on from each other. BUT NOT to care for your mother. TO care for yourself.
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lealonnie1 May 1, 2024
The commandment in question is really talking about speaking of our parents with respect, and showing no spoken disrespect towards them to others. How people have chosen to interpret it as "hands on caring for parents in my home at my own expense until they die" is truly beyond me. The divine message is to respect and love OURSELVES as we do others.
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@UpsetCaregiver
Mother is only ONE. Boyfriends are everywhere. Nowadays, ladies believe that having a boyfriend is a tremendous asset to their lives. That is incredibly ridiculous. Boyfriends and husbands are moving objects; they will come and go as they please. If you want one, get a new boyfriend who lives within a few miles away from you. Who will enhance your life by giving you the emotional support you need. I mean, get a man that will make you feel comfortable where you are, that will show you the possibilities of having your mom and him close to you. Your present boyfriend of 8 years (EIGHT YEARS) has major commitment issues. Dump him. You can get a new one in five minutes. Hopefully, you choose well first.
Now, if you have a narcissistic mom who lowers your self-esteem
and makes you feel scared or sad, move out of her house and get your own place close to hers so you can help her when necessary only. It doesn't matter how old your mom is, she must show love, protection and adoration for you. Don't have it any other way. You are a strong lady, you can do this.
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Beatty Aug 17, 2024
So the Mother should be the OP's life partner?
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Aquarius is a brand new poster who is trying to resuscitate a post from March that was thrashed to death and died in May. PLEASE don’t revive it. Aquarius, look at the dates on posts and if possible the profiles of the posters, before you chip in. Your post was not very sensible either. This has very high nuisance value, no other value.
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Aquarius1965 Aug 17, 2024
Oh don't worry if you disagree with my perspective. My post was for OP, not for you, and I can chip in as I wish.
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Aguarius, you don't understand. The OP has not posted since this post. They are no longer part of the forum. When posts are this old better not to respond. It brings them back to the top and people may not see the date.

Adminstration should really shut it down.
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AlvaDeer Aug 17, 2024
Aquarius understands; but doesn't care.
Probably just (s)trolling around the internet.
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Upset caregiver updated

TThank you VERY much for your helpful advice. So many people on here have been trashing me, insulting me, and turning everything around that my head is spinning. I just wanted some helpful advice and you gave it.
TThe most difficult thing to understand is that he could have just picked up and left when he knows the difficulties I'm going through. I know I couldn't just leave him like he left me. We are in a ldr and he keeps asking me to move. I want to be with him because I love him but I don't know what to do and I have no support or help from anyone in my family. I feel completely alone except for my faith. Praying about it is the only thing that gives me peace.
SSometimes I just want to run away- just pick up and move and not look back. But I would regret leaving and abandoning my mom when she needs me the most.
YYou are right about the part my boyfriend seems scared of marriage. That's another part. If he proposed or we got married first- then I would feel more secure. But he's asking me to move 4 states away- where I have no family, relatives or friends- no job- no house.
I love him and I want to be with him and if he would move home - Everything would be ok. But this situation is just so ####ed up. I don't know what to do or where to turn.
TThank you for your advice. It truly helped me.
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