Where to begin. I have been really overwhelmed lately and am hoping I can get some support here.
Little background: My mom passed away in 2019 due to mental health challenges. I went back to school, got my prereqs for medical school, aced the MCAT, and have now been accepted into medical school to start in 2024.
Separately, my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's (my parents were not together). I also found out he had not saved for retirement at all and was in serious debt (100k) with the IRS.
At first, it was only me helping my dad. I got him the appointments with the neurologist, traveled to my home state to make sure he was going to them, got him prescribed meds, was calling social security often to figure things out, etc.
Then my aunt became involved, and ended up giving my dad $20,000 to pay off the IRS. He didn't ask for this, she just did it. She has also given him money to pay his bills. I had met previously with a financial advisor who advised me to set aside some money for my dad's future care, about $10k, which I have almost spent all of now. She cajoled me into sending her $300 per month to pay for his expenses, then it was $500. Then this summer she began asking me to send her money for her bills and I said no, because my savings was set aside for my dad.
Eventually my dad began to take our social security and got on disability, but he does not budget well at all. For example, he spends $500 per month on gasoline, and eats out at every meal. His home is very dirty, he has several cats that soil his carpets. I'm not sure what to do about this, it's not new behavior. I remember as a very young kid, I went to his trailer and there were mice and cockroaches.
Things have come to a head recently, as my aunt is refusing to send me any of my dad's tax documents that I need to submit to financial aid to be considered for scholarships/grants. She told me that going to medical school is selfish and I need to come back home and take care of my dad. My dad does not want this. He raised me to be independent, to enjoy science, math, ect. No one in my family took care of my grandparents (their parents), but also, they had saved up money for their retirement. I have planted the seed in my dad's mind that he can come live with me and my fiancé anytime. I can't afford to give up my career to become a caregiver, and my fiancé also has a career that he needs to continue.
I've also received the advice from my therapist that when people leave careers they worked hard for and enjoy, they become resentful and depressed. Moving back home would be extremely hard for me, as I would have no job prospects (it's a smaller town), and would be giving up so much opportunity. I already resent my aunt for the expectation that I should essentially become a caregiver and leave behind my career, the possibility of having a family, the great opportunity I have to make a stable career for myself and grow my own retirement fund. I just, I guess, don't know how to navigate these relationships and what to focus on. Any help is appreciated.
If you continue to help in any way you will be sucked into a life where your emotional, physical and financial health is ruined. Even if you gave everything up, it wouldn't change your dad's health. He wouldn't suddenly become better, start working and saving money, or even keep a clean home.
Personally, I would never even consider moving him into my home. All of the alarming behaviors you have seen will only be transferred into your own home. At his age, he could live with you for many decades. The only good outcome is one where you do nothing.
Sixty four is young.
Continue with your life's path as you have it planned. Do not sacrifice it for anyone.
FAFSA is 100% required to be done for those who are filing for student loans and the parents are claiming them as a dependent on their taxes. At 29, you are so an outlier; you are a “non traditional” student applying independently for the type of Direct Student Loan and Master Promissory Note you will be signing. Your Dad would have zero to do with this as you’re too old, you age out of being a dependent at age 24 and it’s only 24 if a Full Time student, unmarried and parents last tax filing had them as a dependent.
You are not a 21 or 22 yr old college senior or even an early admissions college junior of age 20 getting into med school Fall 2024 still considered dependents for their parents tax filings. This is the majority of what’s the freshman medical school class will be and they are just piggybacking onto their student loan debt from University but making it $$$ bigger for medical school. They don’t even have to change their Master Promissory Note for any graduate school lending till sometime when they’re 25. My son is 26 and parents were clucking & raising drinks about this just last week over Thanksgiving.
If this is a financial aid person telling you this, you need to really hammer into them that you are a non-traditional student as it’s a different path of paperwork for lending. Imho you need to find someone who has experience dealing with nontraditional student loans for professional schools. It’s going to be a huge, like HUGE amount of $$$$ borrowed, you want to get it done right.
& your Aunt, she is a harridan & i bet jealous.Turn a deaf ear.
If need be, buy dad a cell phone and ask him to text you. So he texts and you call him. Unfortunately you will have zero $ to give him in your future. That is the reality till you’re in residency 6-7 years from now at best or a fellowship 8-9 years. But he will have Medicare and you will have the access to be able to expedite whatever care plan he needs. So your going to medical school will be a win!
Your father is only 64. ‘Age related decline’ is not really on the agenda that young – unless it’s self-inflicted. ‘Anxiety and depression’? Oh really? He ‘eats out at every meal’, spends ‘$500 per month on gas’, has filthy living conditions which he doesn’t clean up, is in debt and bludging off anyone who will pay. He is doing exactly what he wants to do. Perhaps when he looks at the results, he may see self-inflicted reasons for ‘anxiety and depression’. He has always been filthy, and it hasn’t always had the justification of AZ. He may have got you interested in ‘science and math’, but that’s about the only positive thing about him. If he ‘raised you to be independent’, this is the time when you need to show that you learned.
Your father is not saveable. Sooner or later, he is headed for the social security system, in spite of not paying his own taxes. You can ruin your life and your finances, but that is still where he will end up, sometime in the next 30 years. Your aunt is her own problem, not yours. Wish them both well, and get on with your own life.
Make an appointment with the financial aid office at your med school and explain everything.
You dad shouldn’t be driving.
Call APS and report a vulnerable senior living along and failing.
Put him in a home.
Get on with your life. Once med school starts, you won’t have time for this anyway.
Don’t send your money to anyone. That is your money for your rainy days.
ETA: if you are in the US, your stopped being a dependent of your dad at 26. You don’t need his tax forms.
Cant your dad be put on Medicaid if his finances are low, then that would help pay for some care/ assited living etc. then you can visit on weekends etc , and thats all you do.......
What Dad thinks of it is irrelevant.
Our OP needs now to make best decisions for her own life. She stands to lose EVERYTHING from a good career, her own family on a person who has diligently thrown his own life to the winds.
It no long, imho, matters a FIG what Dad thinks or wants.
Dad should reap what he has sown.
I mean no disrespect for your father. But you are young. It pains my heart - you are just a few years older than my oldest daughter. I cannot fathom asking her to give up her entire life in the service of taking care of me or her father.
And that is what your aunt is asking of you - make no mistake.
You are embarking on MEDICAL SCHOOL. That is a huge accomplishment. You have worked very hard to get to this point. But you KNOW you have a long way to go. And you don't have an easy road ahead of you. You've got medical school, then residency - which you already know is not exactly a walk in the park. Then if you plan to specialize that even longer.
These are not easy hours. You are looking at what 10-15 years? Medical school is what up to 12 hours a day? Residency is like 18 hour days?
You can't do both. If you take on the responsibility of your father's care - you won't be able to continue with this path. Your fiancé should not take on that responsibility either. The only option here is a memory care facility that will accept Medicaid. And if your aunt will not release anything to you in order to begin that process, then she is leaving you absolutely no choice but to contact APS and tell them that a vulnerable senior is at home with no recourse and needs intervention. She is tying your hands and if she wants to control things - then let her do it. It seems she has been controlling them for a long time now.
It was the most brutal of time for them--requiring every extra second of their time and often money to get through. SIL actually did a PhD in the middle of years 2 and 3--and by 'working' at the lab, his tuition and books were covered. BUT, not living expenses and so my daughter worked all the years until the last 2 of his schooling. Plus school loans. Debt is a secondary dynamic to the whole MedSchool experience.
I'm saying this to say THIS: They did not have one extra penny to rub against another. we didn't pay for school (nor did we pay for son and his wife who were at Yale) but we helped where we could and supported them emotionally, which is what they often needed.
POINT being--medical school is HARD. My son in law is some kind of weird genius in his field and he worked 18 hrs a day for 14 years to get through all his training.
If you start now, being a financial backup for your dad, it will get worse and worse. This is the time of your life when you need to be a bit selfish.
Auntie can't DO anything but annoy you. Anyone who is not supportive of you in this quest for further education is someone you just have to cull out of your life. My son in law doesn't speak to his parents b/c they were so awful during the time he was applying to Med School and beyond.
Quit giving dad money. Tell Auntie you cannot be involved in any way but emotionally (and cut that back too!) and focus on YOU and your studies.
I am really surprised anyone who is making school loans cares what your parents make. Neither of our kids had to show that. In fact, our Son in Law had been accepted to med school before he even met our daughter!
Make very tight and strict boundaries with both dad and aunt. They have to know that SOMEDAY you might be making a lot of money--but those days are waaaaaay out there. Probably 10+ years depending on your specialty.
Your dad is 3 years younger than I am. I would live in gov't housing before I would ask my kids for help. I feel so strongly that we need to be responsible for ourselves. DH and I lived below our means for 47 years so we could save and invest in retirement--and we are fine and going to BE fine for the rest of our lives.
Get someone who knows the drill with financial support forms. I know my Son In Law didn't use his parent's income as any kind of backup.
Please put yourself and your fiancé first. You're about to embark on a huge undertaking and you need peace and stability to be a good student and hopefully a good doctor!
You say, "Eventually my dad began to take our social security........" What does that mean, exactly????
You are 29. Why do you need HIS tax records to be considered for financial aid???? Makes no sense.
What financial advisor tells a daughter to set aside $10k for her dad's future care, which he's already spent most of?????? And what aunt asks for $300 and then $500 a month for her brothers bills, then throws HERS on top for chits and giggles???????
If you give up an opportunity to go to medical school, which is as rare as hens teeth, that would be very sad. If you continue sending money to your aunt for "dad's care", that would be foolish. You'd have to hold down a full time job to pay your own bills AND send $500+ a month to her, let's face it. You can't go to medical school AND work full time.
Tell your aunt she's cut off, you're going to medical school, and tell her you'll help dad apply for Medicaid for long term care once he needs placement in Skilled Nursing care. That's what you can do, nothing more.
Your aunt has chosen to make your father her problem. She does not get to extend the challenges of her decision onto you.
You are helping your father as practical. This “all or nothing” thinking that you must give up your life for another is what’s selfish.
Please rethink offering to take him in. My mother is now 98. I finally had to place her as, with her dementia, she needs 24/7 supervision and care. She refused outside help and I burned out. Medical school is an enormous load. Do not attempt both.
Its better that your dad gets some paid caretakers while you pursue your studies.
Any advisor who tells you that you should set aside money for dads care has no idea what they are talking about. Your dad if he has no money would be on medicaid not having you fund his care which would be untenable, unless you are a millionaire.
Your dad has ALZ and undiagnosed and untreated mental illness. This will only get worse not better and you cannot have him come and live with you. Arrangements for getting him setup with medicare/medicaid and then placement in a facility are the only options you should be considering.
As for the aunt she is going to be a continuing and ongoing problem and thorn in your side regarding your dad. I don't see how you can afford to support yourself and your father. If your father is wasting his money on junk then I would stop sending him money all together.
You are in a very difficult and tough spot but please don't allow your aunt and father to take you down with them. When you have to choose between your father and you, please choose yourself. You deserve to have a life. Your dad is making his own choices, stop bailing him out. When the time comes you will have to place him in a facility and that may be sooner rather than later.
Got four decades left. So you want to throw yourself onto the trash heap that he has been working so hard to create for decades? Because, yes, that is one quick way to an angry and bitter life.
Step away from this utter and chaotic mess and get on with your life.
There is no way to navigate this mess.
You have a good therapist. LISTEN to him/her.
You will NEVER be able to negotiate any help or support with or without this troublesome aunt. Trying will drain you until you are a husk of a human being. You will never be able to "do for" a father who is living in an infested trailer.
My advice is to report you father to APS. Let them deal with him AND with Aunt. Whatever you do, do NOT get POA or guardianship. Let APS know that you cannot deal with either dad or his sister and you are in medical school and cannot be their resource at this time. Let them know that if Dad requires guardianship it must be guardianship of the state.
You are not required to throw your own life onto the funeral pyre, the sticks of which your Dad has been piling up for a lifetime. You didn't cause this and you can't fix it and throwing your own life after his is an utter waste which will be to no good effect.
In your few off hours read the memoir by Liz Scheier called Never Simple. She tried to intervene for her mentally challenged mother for DECADES along with the social services of the city and state of New York, all to no avail. Won't help you, but will let you know you are not alone, and no matter how much of your own life you give up, it will never BEGIN to be enough.
STEP AWAY and get on with your own life.