Where to begin. I have been really overwhelmed lately and am hoping I can get some support here.
Little background: My mom passed away in 2019 due to mental health challenges. I went back to school, got my prereqs for medical school, aced the MCAT, and have now been accepted into medical school to start in 2024.
Separately, my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's (my parents were not together). I also found out he had not saved for retirement at all and was in serious debt (100k) with the IRS.
At first, it was only me helping my dad. I got him the appointments with the neurologist, traveled to my home state to make sure he was going to them, got him prescribed meds, was calling social security often to figure things out, etc.
Then my aunt became involved, and ended up giving my dad $20,000 to pay off the IRS. He didn't ask for this, she just did it. She has also given him money to pay his bills. I had met previously with a financial advisor who advised me to set aside some money for my dad's future care, about $10k, which I have almost spent all of now. She cajoled me into sending her $300 per month to pay for his expenses, then it was $500. Then this summer she began asking me to send her money for her bills and I said no, because my savings was set aside for my dad.
Eventually my dad began to take our social security and got on disability, but he does not budget well at all. For example, he spends $500 per month on gasoline, and eats out at every meal. His home is very dirty, he has several cats that soil his carpets. I'm not sure what to do about this, it's not new behavior. I remember as a very young kid, I went to his trailer and there were mice and cockroaches.
Things have come to a head recently, as my aunt is refusing to send me any of my dad's tax documents that I need to submit to financial aid to be considered for scholarships/grants. She told me that going to medical school is selfish and I need to come back home and take care of my dad. My dad does not want this. He raised me to be independent, to enjoy science, math, ect. No one in my family took care of my grandparents (their parents), but also, they had saved up money for their retirement. I have planted the seed in my dad's mind that he can come live with me and my fiancé anytime. I can't afford to give up my career to become a caregiver, and my fiancé also has a career that he needs to continue.
I've also received the advice from my therapist that when people leave careers they worked hard for and enjoy, they become resentful and depressed. Moving back home would be extremely hard for me, as I would have no job prospects (it's a smaller town), and would be giving up so much opportunity. I already resent my aunt for the expectation that I should essentially become a caregiver and leave behind my career, the possibility of having a family, the great opportunity I have to make a stable career for myself and grow my own retirement fund. I just, I guess, don't know how to navigate these relationships and what to focus on. Any help is appreciated.
Got four decades left. So you want to throw yourself onto the trash heap that he has been working so hard to create for decades? Because, yes, that is one quick way to an angry and bitter life.
Step away from this utter and chaotic mess and get on with your life.
There is no way to navigate this mess.
You have a good therapist. LISTEN to him/her.
You will NEVER be able to negotiate any help or support with or without this troublesome aunt. Trying will drain you until you are a husk of a human being. You will never be able to "do for" a father who is living in an infested trailer.
My advice is to report you father to APS. Let them deal with him AND with Aunt. Whatever you do, do NOT get POA or guardianship. Let APS know that you cannot deal with either dad or his sister and you are in medical school and cannot be their resource at this time. Let them know that if Dad requires guardianship it must be guardianship of the state.
You are not required to throw your own life onto the funeral pyre, the sticks of which your Dad has been piling up for a lifetime. You didn't cause this and you can't fix it and throwing your own life after his is an utter waste which will be to no good effect.
In your few off hours read the memoir by Liz Scheier called Never Simple. She tried to intervene for her mentally challenged mother for DECADES along with the social services of the city and state of New York, all to no avail. Won't help you, but will let you know you are not alone, and no matter how much of your own life you give up, it will never BEGIN to be enough.
STEP AWAY and get on with your own life.
Any advisor who tells you that you should set aside money for dads care has no idea what they are talking about. Your dad if he has no money would be on medicaid not having you fund his care which would be untenable, unless you are a millionaire.
Your dad has ALZ and undiagnosed and untreated mental illness. This will only get worse not better and you cannot have him come and live with you. Arrangements for getting him setup with medicare/medicaid and then placement in a facility are the only options you should be considering.
As for the aunt she is going to be a continuing and ongoing problem and thorn in your side regarding your dad. I don't see how you can afford to support yourself and your father. If your father is wasting his money on junk then I would stop sending him money all together.
You are in a very difficult and tough spot but please don't allow your aunt and father to take you down with them. When you have to choose between your father and you, please choose yourself. You deserve to have a life. Your dad is making his own choices, stop bailing him out. When the time comes you will have to place him in a facility and that may be sooner rather than later.
Its better that your dad gets some paid caretakers while you pursue your studies.
Your aunt has chosen to make your father her problem. She does not get to extend the challenges of her decision onto you.
You are helping your father as practical. This “all or nothing” thinking that you must give up your life for another is what’s selfish.
Please rethink offering to take him in. My mother is now 98. I finally had to place her as, with her dementia, she needs 24/7 supervision and care. She refused outside help and I burned out. Medical school is an enormous load. Do not attempt both.
You say, "Eventually my dad began to take our social security........" What does that mean, exactly????
You are 29. Why do you need HIS tax records to be considered for financial aid???? Makes no sense.
What financial advisor tells a daughter to set aside $10k for her dad's future care, which he's already spent most of?????? And what aunt asks for $300 and then $500 a month for her brothers bills, then throws HERS on top for chits and giggles???????
If you give up an opportunity to go to medical school, which is as rare as hens teeth, that would be very sad. If you continue sending money to your aunt for "dad's care", that would be foolish. You'd have to hold down a full time job to pay your own bills AND send $500+ a month to her, let's face it. You can't go to medical school AND work full time.
Tell your aunt she's cut off, you're going to medical school, and tell her you'll help dad apply for Medicaid for long term care once he needs placement in Skilled Nursing care. That's what you can do, nothing more.
It was the most brutal of time for them--requiring every extra second of their time and often money to get through. SIL actually did a PhD in the middle of years 2 and 3--and by 'working' at the lab, his tuition and books were covered. BUT, not living expenses and so my daughter worked all the years until the last 2 of his schooling. Plus school loans. Debt is a secondary dynamic to the whole MedSchool experience.
I'm saying this to say THIS: They did not have one extra penny to rub against another. we didn't pay for school (nor did we pay for son and his wife who were at Yale) but we helped where we could and supported them emotionally, which is what they often needed.
POINT being--medical school is HARD. My son in law is some kind of weird genius in his field and he worked 18 hrs a day for 14 years to get through all his training.
If you start now, being a financial backup for your dad, it will get worse and worse. This is the time of your life when you need to be a bit selfish.
Auntie can't DO anything but annoy you. Anyone who is not supportive of you in this quest for further education is someone you just have to cull out of your life. My son in law doesn't speak to his parents b/c they were so awful during the time he was applying to Med School and beyond.
Quit giving dad money. Tell Auntie you cannot be involved in any way but emotionally (and cut that back too!) and focus on YOU and your studies.
I am really surprised anyone who is making school loans cares what your parents make. Neither of our kids had to show that. In fact, our Son in Law had been accepted to med school before he even met our daughter!
Make very tight and strict boundaries with both dad and aunt. They have to know that SOMEDAY you might be making a lot of money--but those days are waaaaaay out there. Probably 10+ years depending on your specialty.
Your dad is 3 years younger than I am. I would live in gov't housing before I would ask my kids for help. I feel so strongly that we need to be responsible for ourselves. DH and I lived below our means for 47 years so we could save and invest in retirement--and we are fine and going to BE fine for the rest of our lives.
Get someone who knows the drill with financial support forms. I know my Son In Law didn't use his parent's income as any kind of backup.
Please put yourself and your fiancé first. You're about to embark on a huge undertaking and you need peace and stability to be a good student and hopefully a good doctor!
I mean no disrespect for your father. But you are young. It pains my heart - you are just a few years older than my oldest daughter. I cannot fathom asking her to give up her entire life in the service of taking care of me or her father.
And that is what your aunt is asking of you - make no mistake.
You are embarking on MEDICAL SCHOOL. That is a huge accomplishment. You have worked very hard to get to this point. But you KNOW you have a long way to go. And you don't have an easy road ahead of you. You've got medical school, then residency - which you already know is not exactly a walk in the park. Then if you plan to specialize that even longer.
These are not easy hours. You are looking at what 10-15 years? Medical school is what up to 12 hours a day? Residency is like 18 hour days?
You can't do both. If you take on the responsibility of your father's care - you won't be able to continue with this path. Your fiancé should not take on that responsibility either. The only option here is a memory care facility that will accept Medicaid. And if your aunt will not release anything to you in order to begin that process, then she is leaving you absolutely no choice but to contact APS and tell them that a vulnerable senior is at home with no recourse and needs intervention. She is tying your hands and if she wants to control things - then let her do it. It seems she has been controlling them for a long time now.
Cant your dad be put on Medicaid if his finances are low, then that would help pay for some care/ assited living etc. then you can visit on weekends etc , and thats all you do.......
What Dad thinks of it is irrelevant.
Our OP needs now to make best decisions for her own life. She stands to lose EVERYTHING from a good career, her own family on a person who has diligently thrown his own life to the winds.
It no long, imho, matters a FIG what Dad thinks or wants.
Dad should reap what he has sown.
Make an appointment with the financial aid office at your med school and explain everything.
You dad shouldn’t be driving.
Call APS and report a vulnerable senior living along and failing.
Put him in a home.
Get on with your life. Once med school starts, you won’t have time for this anyway.
Don’t send your money to anyone. That is your money for your rainy days.
ETA: if you are in the US, your stopped being a dependent of your dad at 26. You don’t need his tax forms.
Your father is only 64. ‘Age related decline’ is not really on the agenda that young – unless it’s self-inflicted. ‘Anxiety and depression’? Oh really? He ‘eats out at every meal’, spends ‘$500 per month on gas’, has filthy living conditions which he doesn’t clean up, is in debt and bludging off anyone who will pay. He is doing exactly what he wants to do. Perhaps when he looks at the results, he may see self-inflicted reasons for ‘anxiety and depression’. He has always been filthy, and it hasn’t always had the justification of AZ. He may have got you interested in ‘science and math’, but that’s about the only positive thing about him. If he ‘raised you to be independent’, this is the time when you need to show that you learned.
Your father is not saveable. Sooner or later, he is headed for the social security system, in spite of not paying his own taxes. You can ruin your life and your finances, but that is still where he will end up, sometime in the next 30 years. Your aunt is her own problem, not yours. Wish them both well, and get on with your own life.
FAFSA is 100% required to be done for those who are filing for student loans and the parents are claiming them as a dependent on their taxes. At 29, you are so an outlier; you are a “non traditional” student applying independently for the type of Direct Student Loan and Master Promissory Note you will be signing. Your Dad would have zero to do with this as you’re too old, you age out of being a dependent at age 24 and it’s only 24 if a Full Time student, unmarried and parents last tax filing had them as a dependent.
You are not a 21 or 22 yr old college senior or even an early admissions college junior of age 20 getting into med school Fall 2024 still considered dependents for their parents tax filings. This is the majority of what’s the freshman medical school class will be and they are just piggybacking onto their student loan debt from University but making it $$$ bigger for medical school. They don’t even have to change their Master Promissory Note for any graduate school lending till sometime when they’re 25. My son is 26 and parents were clucking & raising drinks about this just last week over Thanksgiving.
If this is a financial aid person telling you this, you need to really hammer into them that you are a non-traditional student as it’s a different path of paperwork for lending. Imho you need to find someone who has experience dealing with nontraditional student loans for professional schools. It’s going to be a huge, like HUGE amount of $$$$ borrowed, you want to get it done right.
& your Aunt, she is a harridan & i bet jealous.Turn a deaf ear.
If need be, buy dad a cell phone and ask him to text you. So he texts and you call him. Unfortunately you will have zero $ to give him in your future. That is the reality till you’re in residency 6-7 years from now at best or a fellowship 8-9 years. But he will have Medicare and you will have the access to be able to expedite whatever care plan he needs. So your going to medical school will be a win!
Sixty four is young.
Continue with your life's path as you have it planned. Do not sacrifice it for anyone.
If you continue to help in any way you will be sucked into a life where your emotional, physical and financial health is ruined. Even if you gave everything up, it wouldn't change your dad's health. He wouldn't suddenly become better, start working and saving money, or even keep a clean home.
Personally, I would never even consider moving him into my home. All of the alarming behaviors you have seen will only be transferred into your own home. At his age, he could live with you for many decades. The only good outcome is one where you do nothing.
If you don't want to be a Caregiver, then don't have him move in. Dementia progresses and these people should not be left alone. It becomes a 24/7 job. At his age this is early onset, I think it progresses quickly. I would get him evaluated for 24/7 care. If found he needs it, then he can be placed in LTC.
At age 29, why do you need your dad's financial documents for your school? Was he claiming you as a dependent on his taxes...had you been living under his financial care or was he was providing more than half your support in recent year(s)?
If he claimed you on taxes, I would think you have the right to get a copy of it. Try calling the preparer and ask if you can get a copy of what he filed for yourself and him. Or go visit dad and dig through the paperwork.
What you should do is connect your Dad with social services for his county. He is close to retirement age so not sure about the possibility for SSDI. $10K savings (if he doesn't blow it) will pay for about 2-3 months in a facility, or a little more help if paying a privately hired person in his home. FYI Medicaid in most states does not cover AL or MC, just LTC and this is for people who basically are bedridden or profoundly ill or injured. A doctor has to assess this need, plus the person has to financially qualify. And the Medicaid financial portion of the app in most states "looks back" 5 years. There may be group homes for adults that are less expensive, if he is willing to go.
"I have planted the seed in my dad's mind that he can come live with me and my fiance anytime."
Because of your youth, you are romantizing the future with him. Moving him in with you will definitely make you a full-time caregiver to someone with ALZ. Please educate yourself on this disease and how it breaks people's brains. You won't be able to leave him alone, he will go through phases, like not wanting to shower, paranoia and shadowing, and he will be like a large child who is physically able to do some dangerous and destructive things. He will become incontinent. Please disabuse yourself of the notion that he can/should come live with you, ever. No, just no.
You (and your Aunt) will need to keep calling social services (APS) to check on him. Eventually the county will acquire guardianship for him and take care of all his needs, including placing him in a facility. There is no way you'll be able to support him even before he needs facility care -- especally not with your med school expenses and loans.
Part of being a doctor is dealing with hard realities -- and this is definitely one. Plus, if you absorb your fiancee into this situation, that wouldn't be wise or fair, either. And he may not stick around for the stress. Many of us on this forum have read posts by "fiancees" who got sucked into the caregiving vortex and were trying to figure out how to escape.
Again: saying no to financing him or living with him does NOT mean you don't love him -- don't let anyone guilt you. If you read some of the posts on this forum of those who have gone before you, you'll learn that trying to "rescue" someone in your Dad's condition is an unsustainable strategy. This is what social services is for... people who are in your Dad's situation. I'm sorry he didn't save money when he could have. I'm so sorry for damned disease ALZ. May you gain clarity and wisdom and receive peace in your heart that there's not much that you can do, especially if you're not his PoA now or legal guardian in the future. Keep in contact with his county. I went through something similar with my SFIL who had Parkinsons and no PoA, no money, no options. I wish you all the best in medical school!
You'll be burnt up.
Will that solve anything?
In order words, Aunt names you selfish for not giving her money so she can do as she chooses.
Now I'm not saying your Aunt is evil. She may truly believe she is doing the right thing - helping her brother. Helping to him to stay in his home for longer than his level of independance allows. She may have strong values that 'family helps family'.
It can make people feel good to help, to be the hero.
It's possible that when you examine her motives you may see that flinging guilt at you to fund her wish to be a hero is.. selfish.
You say that your father began taking "our" social security and hedoes not budget well.
Why at the age of 29 are you getting social security at that age unless you are disabled in some way yourself? If such is the case, the rigors of what is probably the most intense and difficult degree to get (an MD) will be too much for you to take on.
Don't take your father on either. If he's as poor as you say and is already on disability himself, he is also on Medicaid. So, get him placed in a care facility that can meet his needs because if he has Alzheimer's those needs are only going to increase and get worse.
Then tell your aunt to go pound sand. If she wants to take care of your father and the bills that are not already being picked up by the American taxpayer, then let her know you're happy to let her try.
Also, as for you having no job prospects if you don't continue on in schooling.
If you've been accepted into medical school you likely already have an undergraduate degree in biological studies. You'll be able to get a job with that. Most likely in the research field.
If your father loves you as much as he says and doesn't want to be a burden to you, he will willingly go into a care facility so you can continue your life.
Second, taking care of your father is not your responsibility. His sister is trying to pressure you, unfairly, into taking on the responsibility so she can feel good about it.
He should qualify for medicaid, if he is not already on it. Get him to request a meeting with a Social Worker/Case Manager from the county medical aid services office. You can and should be at that meeting. Often the case manager can come to the home. That person can help you find a suitable care facility, if that is what he needs. Perhaps he wishes and is able to live independently at home for now. Still, it is Not Your Responsibility to manage his care, or to manage his money. If he mismanages his budget and runs out of money, it is not your burden to bear. If the aunt wishes to take on the responsibility, let her.
As far as getting his tax return documents to apply for grants or scholarships, you can go online to the IRS and with Dad's help, request his tax transcripts or copies of his recent returns. If not, you may just have to find another way to finance your education without the benefit of those grants which require his tax information.
Please do not move him into your home. There are other options available to him. That is what the county health services are for. If you try to be his caregiver, you will be drained. You will delay if not miss out on your planned career. You will be financially broke. And you could even lose the fiance. This is a lot of strain on any relationship. You will be bitter, resentful, and physically worn out.
I care for my husband at home. He suffered a stroke at the age of 53, which left him bedridden, and with substantial brain damage. It's been 9 years now. I don't regret my decision. It was and still is the right decision for us. But I am physically and emotionally drained every single day. I now worry that he may outlive me.
I wish you the best. Don't feel guilty about making the decisions that are right for you. Anyone who tries to make you feel guilty is only projecting their own selfish guilt.