I moved my husband into memory care, just prior to my having surgery. He has been there almost 3 weeks, and still appears to be in distress when I talk to him. He cannot be distracted from his campaign for me to pick him up. Even the nurse in charge says that they cannot distract him from packing, in the belief that I will be there soon.
He seems to be constantly waiting for me. I have not had an in-person visit, feeling that the Covid situation makes it too unsettling for him (they do visits in the garage, in masks, through plastic, with no touching).
I have had several Facetime visits, and he does not look good (unshaven, disheveled).
I have tremendous guilt over this, feeling that I have breached his trust. I did not tell him, in advance, that we were doing this move. Since the move, I have kept the line that he is there, while I am taking care of my medical issues.
He had been unable, previously, to even adjust to being dropped off at daycare a couple of days a week. He would curse and yell whenever he discovered I was going to leave him,.
He is convinced that he has no problem, and that there is no reason he cannot be left alone.
He is 79, and was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s almost 5 years ago. He has no short term memory, wandering issues, and has lost many long term memories as well. I am the only family member he still recognizes (he does not know his children or siblings). There have been a couple of occasions when he has not known who I was - although he always recognizes me as a familiar person.
He has had random - but not regular - incidents of incontinence.
Since I was fortunate to recover quickly from surgery (and since I have now had a bit of a respite), I am now feeling like there is no reason that I can’t take care of him myself for at least a short while longer (plus save the enormous monthly cost).
I am worried that I moved him too soon.
Would I be doing him a disservice to bring him home at this point? Would I just be placing us in a position where we would have to do this all over again, the next time?
When is the “best time” to move? Would it be an easier adjustment for him later?
Part of dementia & ALZ is packing up and getting ready to 'go home', for lots of people, and they tend to do that for AGES, even after they've 'acclimated' to their new surroundings. It goes with the territory and with the disease itself. When I worked in a Memory Care AL, we had a resident who packed her bags EVERY single day, put her coat on, and waited in the chairs by the lobby doors (which residents were unable to exit through). She'd sometimes sit there for hours, humming or singing, until a caregiver came by to tell her it was lunch or dinner time. Then she'd leave and repeat the cycle the following day. She was a resident of this MC for several years at the time.
You can tell your husband that he can come home 'when the doctor says it's ok to do so' perhaps in the Spring some time. That puts off the matter for quite a few months, and gives you an 'answer' to his endless question about coming home. Therapeutic fibs & white lies are 100% necessary when dealing with AD and dementia, because simple reasoning with our loved ones NEVER works anymore.
Your husband should not be unshaven & disheveled. Call the executive director & complain; ask why he's not being shaved daily and dressed properly; clothing laundered, etc. This is part of what you're paying for and part of the expected services provided to each resident. You are well within your rights to demand answers to these questions (nicely, of course).
Bringing your husband back home for 'at least a short while longer' makes no sense. Alzheimer's worsens, along with incontinence and anger issues, etc., so to think he'll 'improve' when he gets home is unrealistic. YOU, on the other hand, are likely to become even MORE tired, worn out, stressed out, on edge & nervous trying to deal with what you were unable to deal with BEFORE and what led you to place him to begin with.
Most people cannot care for ALZ patients in home after a certain point; it's just too much. You're not doing 'something wrong' by placing him. He's not acting 'out of the ordinary' by wanting to come home. It's an adjustment for BOTH of you to find your way in the new situations. Allow him to do so and allow YOURSELF to do so as well. His doctor can prescribe anti-anxiety medication for him, if need be. Again, nothing unusual in doing that; most residents wind up requiring this type of medication at some point as the disease progresses/worsens.
Saving money, in the long run, winds up to be MORE costly, if you think about it. My mother is being charged $6500 a month in her Memory Care, without incontinence supplies and all sorts of other extras. At first I thought, WOW, what a ludicrous amount of money! Nowadays, I think.......Thank GOD for her Memory Care AL and all they put up with to care for her the way they do. It's CHEAP at the price, considering all of her tons of issues and the infinite patience and care they take with her on EVERYTHING, from showering to changing wet bed linens every day. How much is YOUR time worth, is a better question to ask? When your husband is back home and you don't have 5 minutes of peace or down time for yourself, you'll be asking yourself that same question, trust me. And then you'll be back in a position to place him again, and go through the same emotional rollercoaster you're going through NOW.
Think long & hard about what's best for BOTH of you here. Because YOU matter too, not just your husband who's afflicted with AD. You are both suffering from the disease, not just him.
Wishing you the best of luck!
I would certainly try some in person visits, as strange as they might be, it might just calm him down to see someone that he recognizes. And you can continue to use what we folks that have cared for someone with mental decline call fiblets. The one where you're "still recovering from your medical issues" should be just fine. He's only been there less than 3 weeks, so just give it some more time for him to adjust. You've made the right decision to place him there, don't keep second guessing yourself. If you think he might understand some, you can try explaining to him that he is where he needs to be right now, and that you can no longer give him the care he requires. He probably won't remember you telling him that, but it just might make you feel better getting it off your chest. Best wishes and God bless you.
How long did your surgeon advise you to take before returning to your normal activity levels?
How long is "a short while longer"? Would this realistically be worth having to repeat the trauma of moving him?
Are you generally happy with the expertise and attitude of the staff in his memory care unit? What have they told you about how he is settling in?
I agree that the visits are probably a good idea even if they are weird and involve no touching. At least he'll know you didn't abandon him.
It's important to remember, too, that with dementia, time doesn't pass the same way as it does for the rest of us. My mother thinks I was just there to visit her on Wednesday because I always visited her and my dad on Wednesdays. The last time I did that was about three years ago. She has no concept of Covid and the quarantining, just that "the flu" is going around, so no visitors are allowed right now at her place. That could have been put into effect yesterday for all she knows, so in some ways I'm lucky she thinks the last time I was there with her was last week instead of nine months ago.
Your husband may think you just dropped him off, or he may think it's been a really long time. Either way, no matter how long it takes, keep telling him the white lie that you're recovering from surgery until he no longer bothers you about it.
As heartbreaking and difficult it's going to be, leaving him in the facility is the best for both him and you. Remember, by assuring his safety, and his care by those trained in AD care, YOU ARE STILL CARING FOR HIM.
You are doing your best
Hard being your husband.
I will tell you about my dad in hopes it will help.
It took my dad 6 weeks to adjust to memory care.
It has taken me that long as well. MAJOR GUILT TRIP
I felt that I had taken what little positive he had in life away.
Things like him going to his garage or looking out his bedroom window at cars going down the street.
I prayed every day and asked God to help us both make it 24 hours.
As the weeks passed I realized my dad had just moved to another location. This is now his home. He is not going to get better. He is like dealing with a child. I now go Monday Wednesday and Friday
for visits and only stay 2 hours. The facilities try to get everyone on a schedule.
He is in a SAFE place.
Can’t wander.
See if he qualifies for hospice. He will get his own CNA for bathing and feeding. And they monitor his meds.
Get a cordless bed monitor with a remote alarm that can be put at the nurse station if he starts falling.
I met all of the caretakers on each shift.
He may not let them shave him. I had to by a rechargeable shaver that looked like a razor. I told my dad. Let me get this long hair right here and I would shave his face. Always finding one more hair. It’s like a game.
I would say not to take him out. You will not be able to manage him as he needs more care.
Read or call Alz.org for advice.
God Bless
I understand you feel that your only job now is to care for him but you are truly entitled to enjoying your time and seeing him to visit. At 79, he could live for years longer and you will be chained to him more and more as he gets worse. Keep telling him it is temporary; he will eventually adjust although it is likely that he may always ask about going home.
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