Mom is financially able but doesn’t want to pay me for providing 24/7 care in her home because her money is invested. I’m 66, poor. Help?

$500 a week plus Room and Board would be fair. Plus at least 1 day off a week so you can make friends and have a life.

I would also have an Agreement drawn up that you will take care of your mother and when she passes you get to continue living in the house as long as you wish or better yet, Sign the House over to you, so it is done while your mom is still alive and siblings can't do anything about it for they know your mom still has her mind.

All this should be done within the month, then you'll begin to have a life.

Also, please find a Church that you can start going to and also find a Caregiver Group Meeting to attend.

I am in a similar situation, but am married. Since your mom seems to be savvy with her money here is what I have done. I gathered some of the prices for the services I provide, did a cost comparison of what it would cost her out of pocket for those services and kept a log of the time I spent on various tasks. A friend of mine who is a social worker suggested that I sit with mom and she and I write up a caregiver contract that stated specifically what mom expected me to do. There are sample contracts online. It was a real eye opener for both mom and I how much I really did verses what she expected me to do and then the value of my services if they were contracted out. We agreed on a monetary sum that wasn’t shocking or hurtful to her bi-weekly income, but I was left more assets in her trust and will for my services.

If you are the one paying bills for her keep every receipt and detailed records of how every penny has been spent. When accusations of financial elder abuse came up with a sibling mom agreed to hire an accountant who specializes in elder care and estate accounting.

Also, do you have Power of Attorney or does another sibling or family member? If you don’t that is a conversation to have with your mothers attorney and/or financial planner. If you are the primary caregiver, you need to be able to have legal permission to speak to your mom’s drs and others who she has dealings with both medically and financially.

if you and your mom do agree on an amount of money to be paid to you, know that the IRS will consider it a gift, that is where even an informal caregiver contract will protect you both in the long run bc it will show your siblings that you and your mother had an agreement for your care and it will help you if there is bickering when your mother passes.

I learned the hard way after my father passed how grief and greed make a very ugly combination with a death of a parent. With our mom, I have put as strong support team of professionals around me.

Document, document, document EVERYTHING!!!

Good Luck.

You take care of you and do not take no for an answer. My mom had my entire family of four almost dead slaving for her around the clock the last 2 years of her life. She said it was our "prviledge." We finally walked out and my brother, her golden child, absentee POA hired "round the clock" care for $25 an hour. She was dead less than a week later. She was found alone. I had to hire a lawyer to fight for what my mom left me after I cared for her for 20 years. Been fighting 10 months. God bless you.

Check into Adult Foster Care. I am not sure if your state has this but it is worth a try. You could receive a money via direct deposit each month. Depending on her level of care you could make $700- $1,600 per month. I would put your trust in God and pray for guidance. I have been taking care of my 96 year old mother for about 18 years. It is an honor and pleasure to take care of my wonderful loving mother. I left my job 18 years ago and did not look back. Do not worry about retirement or money, things will work out if you trust God. I will turn 65 soon and was surprised that my SS check is a lot more than expected. I get my pension soon too. I am going to wait to collect in a few years because the amount will go up quite a bit. I will not be rich but I am grateful that I will have a monthly income. Taking care of my mother 24/7 has been a gift to me and it taught me so much. I am so satisfied with the little things. I see my mothers smile when she goes to bed and a smile when she gets up in the morning.Sitting out in the yard with the sun shining bright on a warm day. Taking a walk and being thankful I am alive and well to take care of my mother.
I know in my heart I do a great job and that puts a smile on my face. Be grateful for your mother and thank God each day for your blessings. If one complains all the time for what they due than surely their life will not be filled with much joy. I feel you have lots of resentment about caring for your mother and if that is the case maybe just maybe this caregiving should be left up to someone with more compassion. Your mother would be better off with someone else. I feel sad for your mother. I am sure she would not want your help if she knew you felt this way.

I feel badly for you. It sounds like you have done enough. Is she mentally competent. Maybe you could explain how you feel. Let her know you are concerned about your own future Explain you need to get out and get a job. You could tell her you would live there cook for her be there at night and take her places. Then have an agency come in and take care of her during the day and at times when you need to be away. At this point you are the adult and no one can take advantage of you unless you let them. Moms are good but can be demanding.
Stick up for your self.
Praying
🙏🏻

I may be reading a little too much between the lines here, but a great deal of your post is terribly familiar to me, so here goes...

It's not just a question of what your services are worth. Between that, and the value of what your mother may provide for you in the way of food, shelter, transportation, utilities, etc., the financial question should be pretty easy to figure out with a little thought and research.

The hard part is separating the emotional from the factual. Burnout and resentment are common enough with caregivers, but how much of your inner turmoil has resulted from feeling trapped by your life choices over the years? You've stated that you've dedicated your life to helping others, but now you're 66 and poor. How did that happen? (Not that you have to answer that here... it's your business.)

I have a feeling that focusing on the financial isn't going to help here. Sure, Mom doesn't want to part with her money, your siblings can't or won't offer support, tangible or not, and your mom's eventual estate may very well be divided evenly between her children, regardless of who did what for her (of course, that remains to be seen). This stuff happens, period.

Have an honest conversation with yourself about your life: where you've been, where you are, and how you got there. Once you've sorted all that out, you can think about where to go from here. Look at what you have, and not just at what you want, or what you think you deserve, and carefully evaluate your options for the future, given your age.

It sounds to me that a life of "putting others first" has finally gotten to you, both emotionally and financially. Trust me, I've been there more times than I like to admit. Just remember that self-worth isn't determined by how much you are paid for services rendered, and that some rewards are only realized when we pass from this earthly life.

Slartabart,

Oh Honey, there is no "slightly narcissistic"..... there just may be better days sometime (hopefully), but it ALWAYS is about them. And they have not a clue about current costs/pay..... their minds are set in the past, and that $500 in her mind is probably a huge payment. That being said, my thought would be to get those figures in order (you can call a local home health agency enquiring that you are thinking of getting help for your mom and what would the rate be). Then can you possibly talk your mom into going to an elder attorney (maybe say, Mom, just to make sure your living will, etc. are current, ... etc. ... and then when you are there "innocently" bring up the subject of a caregiver agreement and get the atty input.

Others on here may have better ideas, but I will be happy to give you encouragement... you and I are the same age, only my mother is a few years older than yours and lives with me. Good luck to you, and you are right .... this is a wonderful support group on here.... keep coming back!

Time to Talk Turkey to Mommy Dearest...I sympathize with you Here, dear. Tell her You are Going to Need to Heed to another Way to Make a Living and LEAVE HER STRANDED. See how she Likes THIS.....
People as they Grow Older, Get Bolder and More TIGHT...I found this Out with my own SAD DAD.xx

Check with your local SS office. You can apply for public partnership & get paid thru SS for taking care of your Mom. I’m not sure if all states have but worth checking into. Are you on her checking acct? My mom is aware & I take money each month for “rent” in our home since utilities & food went up substantially when she moved in.

You deserve to be paid. Period. I have been caring for my mother for over 7 yrs now and I have been diagnosed with cancer. My mother never paid me a dime and I tried to do the best job, but over time it all came back to almost kill me. I treated 2 yrs ago, but now it’s back and I have to start treatment again. Caring for your mother, with no end in sight, is no joke. If I had to do it again, I never would have allowed myself to be tricked into this. Even if I was paid! My mother is in Hospice care now, and I am going to concentrate on myself. I still have to do some things for my mother, but if it requires too much from me, I’m going to have her go to our lovely hospice facility nearby. I learned the hard way that stress is a killer.

I am my mothers health care care proxy and I always promised her she could remain at home. But I will have to change all that if she needs 24/7 care. Hospice doesn’t do 24/7 care here and I would be expected to stay with her and help her when they are not here. That is too much for me. I’m wiped out.

Definitely any child providing more than a short term caregiver support should be paid. If you are the full time caregiver you lose your earning power for the years you are caregiver and your siblings will not see you are compensated for your work after mom dies.. I suspect you were not the favourite but the good girl, single and expected to drop their life and take care of mom because it was what was expected. The first thing is join a caregiver support group. They will give you the support you need to make a plan to get your life back. First, you need to be paid. A meeting of all parties must be called and their are people that can attend and have your back. Point out to your selfish siblings that if you get sick, which always happens in these situations, they will be thrown into the caregiver role. Ask for a reasonable wage and time off each year (2 weeks minimum) plus respite care several weekends during the year when siblings take care of mom. Next next book a vacation. You can visit a friend but make sure you go out of town. Tell, don't ask your siblings you are going away for 2 weeks and they will have to take care of mom. Forcing them to take care of mom will make them see how much your care is worth.Remember you have to stick to your gums and be prepared to walk if they try to use emotional blackmail. They don't want the situation to change. Mom will be the one yelling loudest what a selfish person you are and to go ahead she doesn't need you all the while scared to death you will leave. I faced this situation 5 years ago and I left. My useless brother took care of my mother for one week and then immediately put her in long term care. This after three years of mom is okay she doesn't need to go into care, we will lose all the money she has if she goes into care. This exploitation happens all the time and one child, usually the daughter, has the care dumped on their heads. With the long life expectancy your mother could live another 10 years.

Hi.....If you're going to take care of your Mom...get in touch with IHSS (In Home Supportive Services) in your area. Depending on the care that she requires....IHSS will pay you, an hourly wage. If you have any furhter question please let me know. IHSS can be difficult if you're not familiar with how they work.
Good Luck....

I agree that a pay plus room and board makes sense. Just make sure that whatever contract that you rely on, you make sure that it is written up in a way that Medicaid will understand. It cannot look like a gift to you. The contract must be written up properly by an elder attorney. They should know what your pay should be. Even if an outside agency could do as good a job, they would cost more. You will be more reasonable, because room and board will be figured in. By the way, your contract should be for 5 days a week with the understanding that she hire outside help two days to allow you time off. The expectation that you be the sole caregiver 24/7 seven days a week is unrealistic. (If you hire 24/7 care through an agency, their employees an only work 2 1/2 days at a time with the same client. At minimum, your mom would have three different caregivers per week.) You need time outside of your mom's home to meet people and develop a life in your new area. It would also be helpful to you to have a back-up caregiving system in case you became unable to work or went on a vacation. Too often, a family caregiver, such as yourself ends up homeless with no savings. Don't let that happen to you. The alternative to this is assisted living or nursing home, talk about expensive! Last, what was her experience as her parents aged?

I also feel exactly as you do. My mom gives me $525, $1.25 an hour. I am also in Northern MI. I also feel used. This really isn’t what I signed up for. I get depressed and tired of feeling like this. My mom is 97 and I am 65 and feeling 97. Life is passing me by. Mom can’t hear, can barely get around herself and I do all chores. I feel like a horrible daughter even though I do everything?!?!

THE tough part of this is the severe lack of appreciation your Mother has for the effort your putting in. My wife is going thru the same thing. My wife feels this extremely deep obligation to care for her Mother and her Mother is completely un appreciative. Her Mother sees this obligation. She knows her daughter wont abandon her and she really takes advantage of her daughter. In my wifes situation this could go on for years.
Most likely if you tell Mom you need to get a job and cant be there all the time she will probably threaten or actually force you out. Your in a tough spot.
You have to act like your Mother.. Put YOUR needs first. As you stated she has the financial resources to take care of herself. You probably need to force that. as we are getting older I am hearing this story like yours all the time. With our parents living longer and longer this makes ANY commitment we make to help a parent possibly a very long task. Bottom line you have to stop being weak about this and stand up for yourself. That may include walking away from your Mom. Most likely like my Mother in law she knows you wont so she is just running all over you. If your not willing to stand up for yourself then you have to accept responsibility for the consequences. As my adult children tell their Mother when she complains about her Mother "Mom you brought this upon yourself, you have no one to blame but you" I will tell you the lesson learned as I have told my children. Under NO circumstances are they obligated to take care of us "no matter what". Best of success.

I think you should get prices for other options together, (including assisted living facilities), present them to her, get your siblings together and tell them where she's going to go and why. Don't work for her. Go get a job. If you don't take care of yourself nobody else will. Don't allow yourself to be victimized! Also, don't expect any understanding or compassion from her. If she really has narcissistic tendencies, she's not going to think about you, only herself, probably magnified by her age and elderly way of thinking. You have to get out if victim mode! Tell her you want to be a daughter to her not a caregiver! That's what your other siblings are doing. Good luck!

Many good solid ideas here about things you need to do. I know they may be difficult and confusing and you may need a lawyer, etc., etc. but do them no matter what.

I thought it would all work out, but I could not have been more wrong! I got almost no help whatsoever from siblings who were plenty critical of everything I did and didn't do! Even one that worked in a nursing home for god's sake.

I couldn't visit my own long-term boyfriend in another state (where I was living before I went back to help my mother) because neither one of them would come and give me much of any relief.

Get paid, take care of yourself no matter what. I don't mean that placating comment "take care yourself" that you hear from everybody. I mean get contracts, get paid, put money aside, this is a job! I could not be more adamant about this. I learned the hard way.

I am financially, physically and mentally ruined and turns out my mother had enough money to be fine. I lost what little savings I had, my business and my job. The only person that helped me was my boyfriend from a distance because we were each taking care of an entire house, yard, our businesses and others at the same time. I finally got out but it had to be pretty much an ultimatum and now they're dragging me through the mud. "The house was dirty." Yes, the house was a little dirty, I was trying to keep my mother in the house, not beating me up, not beating up the caregiver, not screaming all the time, eating etc., etc., etc., but I'm the bad guy!!

I didn't know my mother had funds because it was all secret, and I was doing many things professionals should have been hired to do. Everything and anything everywhere to save my mother every dime possible.

Now I am destitute. I've ruined my Social Security future. I've ruined my life.

People who should help you, could help you and know better will leave you to die, and I almost did. I'm in my late 50s and I'm ruined. I'll have to work till I'm dead. I'll be living under a bridge because I have nothing left except for what someone else is helping me with.

If you had read this to me several years ago I would've said it was pure drama and exaggeration. That's not true, this is just the tip of the iceberg! It ended several months ago and I can barely talk about it. I still end up crying, shaking, terrified, and with anxiety attacks while I am trying to put some semblance of a life together. Everything in my life is such a mess that it's not like oh the switch turned on and everything is back to normal. I guess I thought for some reason that would be the case because I was just so desperate to get out, but everything needs putting back together from pieces of me and my life strewn everywhere.

I've written more than enough here, and likely far more than you wanted to hear, and I have to try to get some things done today but I try sometimes to talk about it to see if I can move on in my life, but it's far more slow and difficult than I expected, if even possible.

You must not forget about Selfcare as you can give too much then run out of steam.
I do agree you should be getting paid to look after your mum etc. I would calculate how much all the things you are doing would cost if an outsider were doing it. Also check cost for asssited living and residential care. If shes not prepared to pay you proper money for you are doing explain to her you need to have an income coming in for your future. Have it all broken down what costs would be for. If your mums not having any of it tell her she need to approach your siblings to see will some of them take over.
I know you love your mum and want the best for her but, as you say you have to think of your future. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Only thing i would say is make sure you have no regrets in what you decide to do. As my mum died last year at 89 and i miss her dearly. I have no regrets thankfully but, some of my family should 😦

I totally agree with getting infirmation to present to her regarding how much it would cost her to get 24/7 help in her home or what an assisted living facility would cost. Looking at having to pay $4,000+ a month might make an impression. Impress upon her that you are not getting any younger and need to address your future financial situation.

Just tell her, if she cannot agree to pay you for caring for her, you are going to have to find a job, period. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

This is happened to a friend of mine that was actually a home health care aide. She went out if state to care for her mother 24/7. She has a sister tgat was no help. She also had her own bills that needed to be paid. Her mother and sister took offense and refused. She and her mother had had a rocky relationship for years but she stepped up. When her mother passed, she left everything to her other daughter who refused to help my friend out.

I wish you luck resolving this.

This is so common with the elderly. They become selfish. They can’t do what they use to do and don’t care if you break your back doing for them. Both of my parents are now deceased ( Mom in December of 2018). I had 8 full years of running and doing. Mom laughed at my sister when she said it hurt her back to try to lift my mother and it hurt my sister deeply. I had to take over finances for them so we hired caregivers and paid it out of Mom and Dad’s accounts. They had the money. Dad passed and Mom list her eyesight too and could not walk anymore so we had no choice but to put her in a 24/7 nursing facility nearby. She will break you down. I am just now finally feeling like my old self and I had lost myself actually and put everything on hold taking care of their needs and doctor appointments. I had a POA so I could handle their affairs thank goodness. I also have a husband and home too so it was very hard with a ton of anxiety and stress. Not good!! I know people will tell you to take care of yourself. Listen to them! Your Mom will break you down due to her own needs/desires and still wants to be the boss in the family. Take charge.

If I were in your situation I would tell your Mom that unless she pays you (have a legal agreement made up) then you are leaving.  Then she would have to pay someone else for the work you are doing.

My guess is your Mom will get scared and agree to your terms.  If she doesn't then leave and let her hire someone else so you can use your skills elsewhere.

Good luck!
Jenna

Maybe you should remind mom that you have no daughter to care for you if you should become in need of it at her age. You have and will likely always have some expenses to meet. What about health insurance, pension, etc.?

Might not be a bad idea to get at least a part time job just to get out and away from her and have contact with other people, get to know your community.

Hello Slartabart. I would thread with great caution if I were in Your shoes. While Your Mom may not say it She obviously appreciates You Caring for Her. It may be that Your Mom has Her money invested for You for after She's gone. I would bet my hat Your Mom will reward You very handsomely when that time comes. If not and You have been forgotten about completely then I would put a stay on the will and have Your bill made out for all the hours Care You gave to Your Mom at
$20 an hour. Hand deliver to Your Moms Lawyer Who would be duty bound to pay out all of Your Mothers costs before the Beneficiaries receive one cent.

Slartibart, In addition to Medicaid CDPAP program, if your Dad was a Veteran. Widows can receive Aid & Attendance which can pay for a private pay Aide ...or you can use it to pay agency.

You also need to make an appointment with Elder Attorney. If you cannot afford one, Legal Aide Services may help.

One thing for sure is you’re not alone!!! You’ll find same story repeated over ‘ over on this site...

Help is there if you seek it.

Even getting out to work part time a couple days a week will help you. & Hire someone or have dr give order for home health Aide. Inquire about a dr who makes house calls in your area.

Do think of yourself as you are just as important...if you don’t take care of yourself, you’ll be dead first.

Last week, my mother had stomach virus...& I usually go to work per diem the days her private aide is w mom...this week, I caught mother’s virus & did nothing but go to toilet 🚽....Aide was with her & did everything so I can rest, go to toilet ...I cannot imagine having to take care of mother feeling lousy & not being able to do anything for her...

My mother is 92, dementia, & not able to walk. We use stand assist lift & she has recliner wheelchair ..We have staircases but have stairlift..Aide does manual transfer from wheelchair to stairlift because space too small for machine. We take her out sparingly to beauty salon & park on nice days only when Aide is here. Mother was in SNF for 10 months when she fell in between 2 aides ..fractured her “good” leg & needed emergency surgery next day. From hospital, she went to rehab...didn’t progress so Medicare stopped paying...private paying for a while...took her home against advice of Nurses, CNAS & Social Worker at SNF...that dementia gets much worse...which it does...she can get combative, cursing & violent it threatens violence.
Like an invasion of the evil body snatchers.

Another option is for her to go to SNF or ALF .

She should get an assessment by Nurse which can be used for nursing home placement.

On a side note, I have 2 Masters Degrees & have CPA & Teaching licenses!!! I should have an excellent 6 figure job, but I’m doing this for $0 pay!!

Let us us know what you decide as we care even though it seems like no one does....HUGS 🤗

No problem wanting recompense for caring for someone. I don't think $500/m is enough. Given info provided, it sounds unrealistic, but there are other financial considerations.

Factor in living costs (assuming mom pays all costs) - you save on rent, utilities, maybe food - those DO add up. Calculate the cost to live on your own - can you afford that? Being on Medicare - you are over 65? How many good paying jobs are out there? Even caring for others, the going rate might be 20-25/hr, but that’s the agency fee - caregivers don't get that. 40h/week might be as low as 6-700/week.

Also, while you are "on call" 24/7, her care shouldn't take 24 hr/day (given info provided.) Clearly there are other duties (cleaning, cooking, etc.) Rates DO go up nights and weekends for hired help, but that is a shift differential, like companies might pay 2nd or 3rd shifts.

Although you feel it is your "duty" to care for her, that should not make you a slave. You are entitled to time to nurture yourself. I would suggest you focus on the $100/day insurance - are there limits besides the $100/day, such as a max amount? If not, that gets you up to 4 hours/day of "freedom". If she is so "into" keeping her assets, this is paid for/wouldn't take anything away from her.

Help from siblings? Don't hold your breath. You can ask, but if you're rebuffed, let it go. Focusing on it or continuing to push will only frustrate you and build up your anger. This affects you negatively and does nothing to them.

Your future - mom isn't focused on your future, only her here and now. You won't change her mindset, but you can change your own. You indicate no "medical supplements" - why haven't you gotten supplemental insurance? There are many and they're not expensive (compared to buying private non-Medicare insurance. My retirement 'plan' cost almost 12k/year and provided nothing - not that I needed much, but it only covered my "physical" that year.)  The current supplemental plan coordinates with Medicare and is only about $80/m.

"I am feeling used, taken advantage of, and like I’m a servant, not a daughter." This is where everyone suggests boundaries. Sit down and determine how YOU want to spend your day. Factor in some 'me' time, even if it is just to take a walk. It would be good for you to get out and join other activities and perhaps make some new friends as well. YOU have to focus on the concern for you.

"She was upset, but finally said she’d give me $500/mo. I was shocked at how little she valued my services 24/7." Many seniors are out of touch with costs. At my very first job as a grocery cashier I would hear older women complain about the cost of milk!

"I might ask/tell mom that we should get started on the insurance thing and get some aides in here so I can get a break. She won’t like it." TELL not ask. Like it or not.

It’s best not to count on inheritance. She could outlive you. She could leave it to others, fair or not. Increased needs could suck it away. Unless she has a lot, that could be gone in a heartbeat (MC costs here are about 95k. Our mom/dad saved. With the sale of the condo/good management {thanks ME}, she will have enough to cover many years - almost 96 now.)

Ensure you have a legit care-giver agreement. If mom's care needs increase and assets get used up, Medicaid will be possible, but her paying you will be considered a gift unless you have a good agreement. That applies to the suggestion that the government allows up to $15k as a gift to anyone, tax free. This WILL count against the Medicaid gifting.

If she has assets, she won't qualify. While I don't know all the rules, Medicare sometimes provides help, but it has to be for personal care. When hiring an agency, they mentioned this, but mom was still self-caring and refused any personal care (think bathing.) Check https://www.medicare.gov/coverage/home-health-services and if you end up hiring an agency, ask about this - they likely know the details.

I think it's time you went on vacation. Hire someone to take care of her while your gone. Two weeks might be a good time frame. I think she needs enough time with you away to appreciate what you do and how much it costs. Then towards the end of your time away, maybe you can mention a job offer, far away, that you really want to take. It may be a tad devious, but I think she needs to value what you are doing. The other thing she could do, if she owns her home, is to put your name on it, with right of survivorship. At least if she won't pay you, it would insure your future!

Please take care of yourself first and don't feel guilty about doing that.

Find a job (hopefully something you like) if that is what you need to do and tell your mother that home health care will come in and take care of her during the day which she will have to pay for or she can go to adult day care everyday which she will have to pay for too. Also, tell her that you that someone will come in once a week to clean the house and yardwork which she will have to pay for also. Tell her that you will be there in the evenings and fix dinner, and that you will do laundry, but that is all that you are going to do. Also, tell her that you will be taking 2 weeks (whatever the amount) vacation every year and home health care will be coming in 24/7 for which she will pay for. The vacation you need to do even if you are taking care of her. If she doesn't want to do that then she can pay you to do all of these things. I would have home care come in just so your mother can hear for herself what they do, but the main thing is the cost. You will need to have a contract drawn up of what duties you will do, what you will be paid and raises and because you will have pay taxes and taxes would need to be withheld, so it is all legal. Check out online elder services in your area, they may be able to help with legal, such as contract and how to do the taxes.

Another thing take her to visit a assisted/care center where she has someone to help her 24/7, she will have her own room, have activities where she can meet other people, and a beauty salon. She can bring her own furniture, mini fridge, TV just about whatever she would like to make her comfortable. She may decide that she would like that. Many of these places are like having their own apartment. My mom is in a memory care center and she has her own room and it is like a mini apartment. As they get older they don't need as much room.

When my mother was mid stage of Alzheimer's and she wanted to stay home. I had just lost my job and my brother offered me $3,000 a month to care for my mother. I lived 700 miles away, but thought I should try it first before making any decision. After one month I was exhausted, missed my family and as much as I love my mom I knew that I couldn't do it. I was already extremely tired, miserable and my health isn't very good (heart issues) and I really couldn't take the stress. My mom loved to walk and it didn't matter time of day she would walk out the door, so I was on guard 24 hrs a day. I knew if I stayed I would have to put something on all doors so she couldn't just walk out. She would decide to cook and leave pans on stove with the stove on. She would hide things that were important and I spent a lot of time looking for them. She wanted to do the laundry and put almost a whole container of soap in one wash, she had a dog and kept feeding the dog anything in the house all day, because she didn't remember she just fed him an hour earlier, (dog was sick a lot and I was cleaning up vomit and diarrhea) and the list goes on and on. When I would tell her that she just fed the dog, she would get mad at me and tell me "it's my dog, don't tell me what I can't do). Not only my mother issues, but my husband and daughter didn't want to move, which made it a lot harder. He had a part time job that he didn't want to quit, plus my daughter had a job. When I returned home the next day I had to go to the ER, I thought I was having a heart attack (had one before) and it wasn't a heat attack but was stress related. I definitely knew I couldn't take care of my mother. My brother who lived locally took care of her for a year, by staying with her at night (he worked) and weekends. It was hard on him also, because he had a family too. We found a lady that would stay 2 days and had home health care come in 3 days at week. My brother was so burnt out, that he seemed like a different person and so unhappy. We decided to put her into a memory center. She adjusted very well.

I cared for my Mom for 7 years - she passed in December 2018. I know exactly how you feel. My Mom did give me $1,000 per month as that was given to her as a surviving spouse from the VA - my Dad was a WWII vet. Did your father serve? It's takes a few months to get approved, but the funds are there - and much cheaper than the State having to pay for care in a nursing home (that was not covered). Fortunately, I work from home for the most part, so that helped. I wouldn't trade caring for her for that time for anything even though I felt the same as you do on many, many occasions - simply defeated. On top of her care, my husband constantly nagged at me for doing it. My older sister would visit occasionally so she could "help" and tell me all that I was doing wrong while caring for my sister during her visit as well - ugh! However, I truly believe God has blessed me in many ways - even though I was devoting a lot of time to Mom and missed a lot with family & friends (she never wanted to go anywhere), my business seemed to thrive more than it ever has. I know of State programs that may help as well. Since your Mom is still of sound mind, just tell her straight out that here are her options - either she compensates you in a more respective manner or you will have to get a job and she will pay someone many times more to care for her - or there's always assisted living or a nursing home (there are no good ones by the way - you must visit every day at differing times or they won't get the care). There are no other options! Sometimes a little harsh truth will set you free! Don't let her guilt trip you (which I imagine is what is happening). I wish you the best and will keep you in my prayers. God Bless!

Instead of going through your Mom for payment does your State have a Caregiver program for parents? My State does and I know some people who get paid pretty well for taking care of their parents.

Go get another job with a job offer. Tell mom she can match it, or you can hire someone else to take care of mom.

No one asks for POA, not if they know the amount of work involved in being in charge of it. Often, the person that bestows this job upon you has no idea the amount of constant on call 24/7 type servitude and worrying that the POA is put under.

As an example, during a heatwave, last July, power went out in a huge area near where my father lives. I had to move him in with me until it was fixed with the utility company. Complete emergency call.

Another example was the Woolsey Fire in CA... in Nov 2018. I had to gather my fathers valuables and get him out of his house for a few days, until the area burned clear through during exceedingly high winds.

The responsibility never ends, and nobody works for free, family or not. A contractor friend of mine, when approached for bidding by friends and family, charges double. Says it just never works out for him to make enough profit or make ends meet, when there is other work out there he bids on that do make him money. Have to remain competitive and look at what your best foregone alternative is for making income. Economics 101.

It's great if you can afford to give to your family charitably, but most of us can not or will not put ourselves in that thankless position. Especially if the person you are taking care of is narcissistic, selfish, thoughtless, and only used to taking care of themselves, to the exclusion of the rest of their family. Such as my father. Saying Thank you all the time isn't enough incentive, to do the job.