Yesterday, I took my 95 y/o mom out of RLF for the first time since November for a Dr. appointment. While in the waiting room, she made rude, loud, inappropriate comments about the other folks waiting to see Dr. I whispered in her ear that she was being rude and speaking loudly. I diverted by showing her photos on my iPad of the family that I had taken over the holidays. I showed her a photo of me and my two children and told them they surprised me by showing up at my house for my birthday. She looked VERY confused. When I questioned her, she said, "well, why did they have to surprise you, don't they live with you?" (My kids are grown, married and have kids of their own). When I returned her to her facility I mentioned the behaviors and learned that she has been acting out there as well. Mostly, it's being bossy, using inappropriate language and only listening to certain staff people. She bosses the other residents to move from room to room, although some are not allowed to move about on their own. My question is should I talk with mom tell her that 'Ms Sandy' called to tell me about her behavior, or should I let the staff handle it? I should also mention that when talking to mom or when anyone asks, she says how much she loves it there and how nice the people are, always adding that they work so hard and thinks they are understaffed. After talking with staff we both agree that her dementia is escalating. For those that have walked in my shoes, is anyone familiar with this progression? What does her future look like?
Let the staff handle her. I had to switch mom from her regular dr to the facilities dr so she wouldn't try to get out of my car during the drive to and from the dr since she kept threatening to kill herself.
I will remember you in my prayers. Let the staff handle her and let some of the responsibility slide off of your shoulders.
I've been in senior homecare for a long time. I had a client with LBD and some mobility issues on my service for years. Her symptoms stayed pretty stable for a long time. Mild then moderate. Nothing I couldn't handle on my own. I regularly took her to doctor's appointments, shopping, for lunches, and to visit friends in the area she lived in.
The mobility issues worsened quickly. Much faster than the dementia at first. So I used a wheelchair for her. It was harder but still manageable.
Then very suddenly the dementia got worse. That's when I could not manage her on my own anymore and she became homebound and quickly bedbound too. She still had to go to doctor's appointments (even though they did nothing that a visiting nurse couldn't have easily taken care of) otherwise they would not refill her prescriptions.
She had to start going by ambulance to doctor's appointments. Long before this point the family should have put her in a nursing home. She needed a higher level of care than one caregiver could provide and she lived alone. Her family's priority was protecting the money and assets from the greedy vice-grip of a nursing home. The poor woman suffered from lack of care and this wasn't my fault or the overnight caregiver's. We performed our service with distinction. She became totally bedbound because one person couldn't manage her anymore. She also developed pressure sores. The family ended up getting rid of both of us and got her an inexperienced, incompetent fool to live there that was cheaper. So her suffering increased a tenfold then.
Back to your mom though.
She's at the point where you can't take her out in public anymore on your own. Definitely talk to the administration at her facility about what assistance is available for such events as getting her to doctor appointment. When the rude comments and inappropriate behaviors start that is when you stop bringing her anywhere on your own. It's also time to start looking at nursing homes for her. Sooner rather than later because the dementia will not improve. It can progress very quickly and she will be beyond the care the AL can provide. Better safe than sorry. Find a nursing home now for her.
As far as the facility calling you, it should be to keep you up-to-date on what's happening with your mother. They are being paid to care for your mother, which includes her inappropriate behavior.
This is to be expected and you probably can not change it and it will get worse.
It might be time to consider moving mom from Independent or Assisted Living to Memory Care.
the concern with either Independent or Assisted Living is there is the possibility that a resident could leave the building without much of a problem
LO has survived TWO separate attacks of Covid 19 and an attack of an additional, often fatal bacteria, been moved from her “apartment” on a different floor of the AL, and not seen me, her ONLY family contact, in 6 months.
I’m OVERJOYED that she’s still attempting to assert herself, and of course was delighted also that she be seen by the psychiatrist who has been a compassionate source of assistance in the past.
Your exuberant mom HAS DEMENTIA, but she has survived in a Covid epidemic, is STILL able to leave her residence, and still has the power to express an opinion about what she’s able to observe! HOW FABULOUS!
If you are dealing with professionals OR caregivers who don’t UNDERSTAND HER, please don’t attempt to change HER before considering whether something AROUND her ought to be changing too.
In her earlier years, my amazing LO was a BANK PRESIDENT, NOT a BUTT GRABBER. I AM SO GRATEFUL. That she WANTS to get the attention of those around her. I’m hoping for a REAL VISIT with her in a couple weeks, and if she makes a move on my butt, I’m sure that with the help of her caregivers and her psychiatric support person, we’ll work that out. But I’ll also be whispering a “Thank You” to her Guardian Angel for keeping her around long enough for her to be able to pinch me.
Teepa Snow is a dementia expert who has many good videos on YouTube. She outlines how to interact with LOs who have cognitive impairment and decline. Might be worth a look for you. May you receive peace in your heart.