Mom got lost driving, lives alone in a remote area. How do we proceed?

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Mom got lost driving, lives alone in a remote area. How do we proceed?

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How old is mom?

Contact the state about her driving. They will contact the sheriff and they will have to address it per their protocol. Or ask her doctor to make the contact if you are concerned about mom finding out.

Hopefully, she has her powers of attorney all setup. If she doesn't you may want to back off, just long enough, until you have the legal authority to do what needs to be done.

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Getting lost once isn't enough. Try a GPS device on her car to monitor her.
And get POA.

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Assisted living places near you so your family can pop in, bring lunch, and play games with them. Usually there are activites... games, movies, etc.

Take tours take MIL with you and have lunch on them,

The closer she is to you, the better you will be, since it won't take time to get there, pop in say hello and leave.

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Just pull the keys, move the keys, lose the keys, lose the car.

Find a senior service or something that will deliver groceries, or meals on wheels..

ask her social worker.

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This is scary. My Mom lived alone in the thumb area of Michigan also, and was found, lost,coming home from the store. In retrospect I don't know if she was lost or simply grieving for my dad who have passed away not too long before this incident. She might have not wanted to go home to an empty house. After much discussion with my children, we moved her into an apartment closer to us. It has and has not been a blessing, as Mum had to changed her entire life style, moving from a large house on acreage. But at least I know she is safe and she no longer drives. You might want to discreetly question your Mom's Doctor. God Bless

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Although getting lost is one primary indicator of dementia, not every senior who gets lost on a dark night has dementia and your "possible diagnosis" language leads me to believe no medical professional has yet determined MIL has any degree of dementia. I would also like to point out many seniors are still legally competent at the time of a dementia diagnosis, even one that includes getting lost. With no clear dementia or even diminished capacity diagnosis (being an alcoholic does not necessarily make an individual incompetent either) much less any statement of incompetence together with MIL's past resistance to moving and her companion relationship to the next door neighbor, I would be VERY CAREFUL in my approach and interactions with MIL. She could easily block her daughter out and choose to entrench with the neighbor, granting him POA and maybe even making a will in his favor.

I suggest making a Thanksgiving weekend trip to access the MIL's situation; perhaps you can arrange a Christmas visit to your home. Stating your concern over her falling or getting lost this winter, you might want to gift her with a fall detecting system (like SkyAngel911FD, $180 on Amazon) that works on cellular networks (but does not require a service plan so there's no monthly fee) where you press a button to call 911. Usually the built in GPS can tell emergency personal where you are but in some areas of low cell signal the GPS function doesn't always work. Because it's cellular based, it will work when away from home if there is cell service in the area. With a monthly service plan, it can be setup to call a friends list before or after 911, which could include you and local neighbors. If at all possible, get on the HIPPA list at her doctor's so you can discuss her medical status and test results with the doctor.

I would not discuss MIL moving at all until you have POA documents, a definitive dementia diagnosis and maybe even a statement of incompetence in hand. I recommend focusing on in home services or home updates to help aging in place; in fact, I would use that term "aging in place" as often as possible. A misstep here alienating MIL can have disastrous consequences at this stage. Decades ago a widow nearing 80 in my extended family developed a friendship with a good looking con artist in his 40s (describing him as the son she didn't have) and proceeded to give him everything: her car, money, possessions, and eventually her house. Until or unless MIL is deemed incompetent, she is completely free to gift her money and possessions to anyone she chooses. The next door neighbor coming over for drinks in spite of the fact his wife hates MIL may be establishing a similar relationship. He's there everyday to relieve MIL's loneliness while your wife is hours away living a life of her own.

You may want to consider hiring someone local to call and/or physically look in on MIL daily so you can better monitor the situation. I would not trust any report from the next door neighbor since he potentially has a conflict of interest.

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Sorry - I said husband instead of wife a couple times!

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I disagree that the police won't want to be bothered with 'a little old lady'. It's their job to do wellness checks and be 'bothered' with all sorts of people they probably would rather NOT be dealing with! A wellness check for MIL is perfectly in order.

So she drinks and apparently has been for some time. Alcoholic dementia and Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome are very real and quite prevalent these days. I work as a receptionist in a Memory Care community and we have a woman there who was found at the bottom of her staircase, unconscious, covered in blood, after having fallen down the stairs in a drunken stupor. She was then diagnosed with alcoholic dementia and placed in the facility where I work. She repeats herself incessantly, unable to remember ANYTHING, literally, and insists she's the only one living there who does NOT suffer dementia. Trust me, she does.

I think you have no other choice but to go visit your MIL for a week or two to see for yourself what's going on. Then make the necessary decisions about whether to sell her house and move her to Assisted Living or whatever you feel the next step should be. I would NOT be moving her into your home, however, especially having no experience with dementia..........it can be brutal and something ordinary people are NOT equipped to deal with. She would need to be seen/diagnosed/tested by a doctor, of course, but getting lost while driving is a hallmark sign of dementia/Alzheimers.

Best of luck!

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Contacting the state motor vehicles department. The state may request a doctor's certification to prove she can still drive. I've also known some who disabled the cars to prevent their parents from driving. A sibling of another lady disabled her sister's car several times because the sister kept getting it fixed. So that's a thought too.

Whomever is her power-of-attorney for medical and overall affairs would have to initiate medical and financial issues. Family members who are not listed on a POA usually are not allowed any information.

I would explore a sale of the property, as this may fund her stay at a facility. You are free to talk to real estate agents and learn who is best for the location and type of property she owns. You can also look online to determine if properties have sold recently and for how much. If your husband feels he must say something, you don't even have to say you're looking online.

Her decline overall needs to be handled so that when all is said and done, you and your husband have no regrets because you acted to prevent the headaches and sorrows that come with unnecessary accidents and injuries to anybody. You will also feel better knowing you helped her move to a safer living arrangement.

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I wouldn't automatically think that drinking was her reason for getting lost. It is often one of the first signs of dementia, My mother was normal in every way except she totally lost her sense of direction and ability to find places where she had been hundreds of times. Everyone just made excuses for her - "there's been a lot of new construction in the area", "there's a new stoplight on the way to the hairdresser", "sometimes I get turned around, too" - until we saw additional signs of memory loss. It's good you contacted her doctor and I love the idea of wintering at an Assisted Living, although that won't solve the driving issue unless you take the car from her. My mother was frightened by getting lost so she just stopped driving on her own but she still had my dad and me to get her places. Living in the country will make not driving almost impossible. There is no easy solution to this until you get more information but whether it is drinking or dementia you have to get this solved and you need to determine if this is a one off or if it is happening more often than you realize. She may have been getting lost more frequently and just hasn't been frightened enough to stop and ask for help. My mother always found her way home eventually.

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We had a discrete conversation today with the neighbor who rescued her. He did not think drinking was the issue. My wife is still unconvinced on this - and her knee jerk reaction is to go kidnap mom and bring her here to our home... To be fair to my wife - I do think chronic drinking has a major effect on her memory loss. She sites alone up there for many days in a row with only her TV and I imagine the bottle is a stong call/companion to her. All this is probably compounded by aging cognitive functions and possible diagnosis (dementia, etc.).

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One of the advertising ploys of local ALs is to offer temporary accommodation over the winter, sort of an appeal to "snowbird" closer to home. Given her location I think it would be a perfect option for her and it might be the thin edge of the wedge when it comes to transitioning to more supports. Tell her it's for you, so you won't have to worry or travel in bad weather conditions - it helps that forecasters are predicting a terrible winter!

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Local ALs?

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Not sure what you mean about politics of the family/area. There's nothing wrong or illegal about calling the local police and asking them to keep an eye out for her.

My husband's grandmother lived alone in a remote area up north also, in a small town. A police officer saw her driving one day and she'd bumped into a light pole and another car in the grocery store parking lot. She was unaware she'd done it-- eyesight becoming bad and beginning of dementia. The officer followed her home and told her (kindly) what she'd done. She had no relatives in her town, so the officer found her daughter's number and called her to tell her what was going on. Daughter was able to take action accordingly.

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The neighbor is a Tom Selek type man and married - she is the single widow next door. She provides a refuge for him and always has his drinks on hand. My MIL hates his wife and the feeling is mutual - Its a weird love triangle and we cant contact him without her becoming irate about it. Its also so remote I dont know how the police would even 'keep an eye out', as the only local police is the county/state. They arent going to bother themselves with a little old lady.

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Someone is going to have to bite the bullet and go spend a week or 10 days to get a picture of what is happening. The biggest challenge is that she can do whatever she wants as long as she hasn't been declared incompetent in a court of law.

I think that seniors, not all, get scared of being seen as a burden and worry about being stuck in a facility. Most of them have habits that they believe will be squashed if they get help. Drinking would be one, however, I have toured facilities that have happy hour every night and allow alcohol in the facility as long as the person doesn't get wasted and create problems.

Having a talk now and seeing what the real situation is can help you do research to find out what is available in her area. It can also help you understand how she feels and to start encouraging her to think about living some place where the store isn't such a journey and other things that would appeal to her.

Michigan is a totally different system than the rest of the country, we have some experts from MI here that will hopefully chip in and help you get pointed in the right direction.

Hugs and strength, this is a difficult journey to be sure.

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Good answer; would only add that if you are going up for 7-10 day visit, that you try and get an MD appointment you can go to and get some legal permissions for access to health care info and POA if you can...and have a cognitive test (i.e. mini mental) done so a baseline is established. It sounds like she is very independent and you have no way to get her to do something she is not agreeable to...i.e. no threats that she will be moved if she doesn't A, B or C. Like no driving at night or the car is taken away...but at least you know the story/she told you. I don't know how things are different in MI, but every area of every state does have an area agency on aging which can share what resources are available to help.

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Mom got lost driving, lives alone in a remote area. How do we proceed?

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