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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mom is surely slipping away from us. I feel like we are on the count down. I know there are a ton of things to do and phone calls to make once she passes but I'm new to this... help!?!??
Well, I just went through this--and actually, still am. Mom's funeral was Monday.
We were lucky in that mother had all her ducks in a row, and when she passed, we made ONE trip to the mortuary to finalize details for the funeral she had already 'prepared'. If your loved one has not done this, I wish you well. "Guessing' is not easy.
At the mortuary, a grief counselor came in at the end of the hour and talked to us and gave us a brochure about the grieving process and what to expect and what kind of behavior and emotions were 'normal'. I actually kind of tossed that aside, thinking I didn't need it, but in actuality, I have referred to it frequently--mostly to get a clue as to why my YB was so 'off the rails'--he was absolutely frantic. And that was one of the grief 'signals'.
I think that if you google 'funeral plans' there will be many different lists of things you'll find that you aren't even thinking of. The list can be long and daunting and your mortuary will assist you along the way. You do pay a small fortune to them, so use the services.
Is mom in a state of mind that you can ASK her what she would want? Don't do that if it upsets her unduly. It sure helps when the dying person has left their preferences written down and someone knows where to find them.
I'm fortunate in that all the people who have passed before me have left detailed instructions. Not that they were picky, but to make it easier on those of us left behind. Mom's estate will be settled within a month--and I am grateful to her b/c it has gone smoothly thus far. I know we gave her the funeral she wanted and that helps with the grief.
MINIMALLY--choose a mortuary that all of you can agree on. Let them do their jobs. Don't get pulled in by the grief to the point you end up spending $20K on a casket and headstone--unless that's what mom wanted. My DH paid well over $10K for his father's casket (19 years ago). Mom's cost under $2K and was lovely.
We DID spend a lot on flowers and that was our choice.
Our mortuary handled everything but the writing of the obituary. It was nice b/c it gave us a chance to do other things, to grieve, to call friends and family and to clean out her keepsakes and give them to the grandkids who had come to town for the funeral.
I'm not helping, I realize--but I do feel for you. This is hard and nothing can really prepare you for the finality of the death of a LO.
I will say, be sure to take care of yourself. I am suddenly overwhelmed by this sad listlessness and I guess it will be with me until I've processed it.
Dear Midkid58, I am sorry for your loss. Yes, it is hard. I pray peace and strength for you as you grieve. Mom is going to be cremated and we are probably going to delay a celebration of life service for awhile. It doesn't seem right to do that until some of the rawness has lessened.... what about all the notifications (not relatives!)? I just feel so clueless.... Thank you so much for taking the time to post. I truly do appreciate it. Lainey
I can't believe how incredibly stressful and exhausting this has been.... Father God, I cannot do with alone.... I need Your grace and strength... and perspective...
Thank all of your for your posts. I appreciate that I am not the only on in this situation!!!
Laineyisat, recently our local newspaper had an article about just this thing.... here's a website they recommended https://www.joincake.com/blog/what-to-do-when-someone-dies/
Get the book Please Don't Die ! But if You Do, What Do I Do Next. Written by Kurt and Keith Grube and cheap on amazon. If you have plans for services, many funeral homes have lists to help you. Social Workers at hospital do as well and so does Hospice if they are involved. AARP is good. Type What to do after Death into the search bar. Google or other search engines will have a list for you. Nothing needs to be handled IMMEDIATELY other than choosing last services and burial or cremation. Start there. The funeral home will report the death to the Social Security, but you can do that as well. All Credit agencies should be notified of this death with a simple letter so that no credit is issued in loved one's name. Do know that published death notices not only notifies the world of this passing, but scammers out there who often rob homes during services, attempt to open credit and run other scams. Be on the alert. After the services, notification of Social Security and credit companies (notify ONE and all will share it. Say go online to Experian and ask how to notify of death and Experian will share with Transunion and Equifax (hope I got those names correct). Notify any credit card companies as well. I am sorry for this passing of your loved one. Take a deep breath. Family gets together and comes to conclusions about whether there is a will, a trust or an estate and who is Executor. Come back after the basics are done if you need more help. Our hearts go out to you in your loss.
Thank you, AlvaDeer. I just ordered the book. This is exhausting and brutal. People have been coming to say their goodbyes. I just feel like a wrung out dishrag.
My Moms funeral was pre-planned so that was one thing I didn't have to worry about. The casket, whatever Mom had for Dad, she got the same thing only in mauve. There must be a vault that is put in the grave. This vault is water proof. So really no need for an expensive casket. Flowers, we had the spray above the casket from us kids. A spray from grandchildren and a small corner spray that was put in the casket from great grandchild. Afterwards we rented a small banquet room and had a local caterer do the food.
The Funeral Director will handle contacting Social Security of her death. Lets say she passes in Sept. She will receive that payment because its August money. But, she will not get an Oct because she died in Sept.
If she receives a pension, the company handling the pension will need to be notified. My Dads company also handled her secondary health insurance so I was able to cancel everything at one time. You will need to cancel her appts. Not right away, but I did notify all her doctors of her death.
In my State probate can't be done for 9 or 10 days after death. If Mom has no Will and no assets then there will be no probate. But you may need to get a "Short Certificate" to be able to handle Moms bills and such. If someone has POA, it stops at death of the principle. Then the Executor takes over. If no Executor is assigned, then some needs to become an Administrator.
The 3 days after Moms passing will be the stressful time. After that you take one day at a time. If not something that has to be done right now, then u do it when you feel like it.
It’s time to call the funeral home that you intend to use. Ask for the planning person and inquire about costs, contracts, etc. You’ll probably find a section on their website, which you should look at before you call. It will tell you all you need to know. If it doesn’t, ask the planning director for a booklet that will have easy step-by-step instructions for what needs to be done.
You asked, 'what about the notifications? (not the relatives). Most people post the death notice on Facebook or social media. I did; I put up a bunch of photos of my parents when each one passed, along with some nice words in memory of them, and information about when they passed. When mom passed in Feb, I even posted a photo of their wedding picture, her wedding ring, and mom holding her only greatgrandchild in a 4-generation photo which we managed to get prior to her death. You can notify the local newspaper for an obituary as well.
Both were cremated as well; I held off on mom's celebration of life service for 5 months, until it could be done properly and when the whole family was available to attend. We used the Neptune Society for the cremation, and I was able to order Prayer Cards and Memorial Folders from them which turned out great. The Memorial Folders (for the service) have mom's photo on the top right side; the Prayer Cards have a saying on the back along with her date of birth and date of death, and a gorgeous colorized painting of the Virgin Mary on the front. I had Neptune laminate them for me too. I sent those Prayer Cards out to the relatives that lived far away and couldn't attend the service. The day before the memorial service (at the military cemetery) I ordered flowers to be arranged in my vase to bring with me to the service.
Neptune notified Social Security, by the way, who in turn supposedly notified the VA (but I called the VA directly to let them know dad and mom had passed, each time individually so they could stop Aid & Attendance payments). I was on both of their checking accounts as a co signer, so I was able to just close out the bank account after mom died by writing a check payable to myself.
My condolences on the impending loss of your mom. Wishing you peace and God's grace as you go through this grief process.
Breathe. There is no big rush in notifying any creditors, in fact if the computer system works like it is designed to, once Social Security is notified, anywhere her number was used, they should automatically be notified.
Take this time now to prepare yourself, (as hard as it may be).
If she is on hospice your first call will be to the number they gave you. The nurses would have told you this but make sure anyone else who might be staying with her in your absence also knows and doesn’t call 911.
Look for her address book right now. (Or if she’s up with the times, the password to her phone). My MIL had four or five address books; apparently she didn’t transfer everything and didn’t throw away old ones when she got a new one. So in many cases I had to make several tries to find her friends and family to notify them. I wanted to let people know personally and not just post on social media. If you want to do the same, be sure to let family members know not to post until you’ve contacted the people you want to notify personally.
You’ll probably want to let her doctors and dentist know (the docs that aren’t directly involved in her end of life care). If she has appointments you’ll need to cancel them. The funeral home will help you with death certificates and notifying social security. If she receives a pension, contact the administrator. They can advise if there are any death benefits payable and ensure that payments stop at the appropriate time (so her account doesn’t receive payments that have to be reimbursed).
If she owns a home there will be more tasks. The immediate one is to contact her insurance agent. If no one will be living there they will want to change the policy. Same if she still owns a car. The estate may be due a premium refund if she has supplemental health insurance.
Probably most important is to make an appointment with the attorney if you are the executor/personal representative for the estate. They can advise whether probate will be necessary and guide you through the process if so.
I’m sorry for your impending loss. If you have someone who can help you with this, do take advantage of it. I did much of the notifications and business after my husband’s mother died; I know he appreciated it and I was glad to help him with it.
Your 3rd paragraph, if everything is working like it should, when her Social is entered into the computer as being deceased, all her medical providers and even credit cards, etc should be automatically notified no need to call. The OP should wait to see if this happens before calling them.
This helps them in a couple ways, they can close her account and they don't have to contact loved ones. If she has MyChart, that will be deactivated ASAP as soon as the SSN has been notified as belonging to a deceased person . (so to combat fraud).
Do you know what her wishes are for how she wants her physical remains to be handled (funeral service, buriel or cremation, etc.)? You can contact the funeral home ahead of time, so that you understand what will be needed for the arrangements, and it may be possible to prepay some of it while your mother is still alive. If she is not in a hospital, assisted living faciity or senior home, the first thing to do is to contact the funeral home and 911, otherwise, you can expect them to do this. The funeral home will contact Social Security and Medicare for you. If she has a large estate, her estate may have to go into probate in case there are claims against the estate. You'll need an attorney for this. The administrator of her will has to do the following, and this can be done while she is still alive: put together a list of all of her assets. It's good to have account numbers, contact information, or online logons, etc. so that you can reach them easily. Also put together a list of her service or other providers and accounts that submit bills to her. They will eventually need to be closed, but you don't want to close her checking account too soon if she will be getting refunds or other checks or payments after her death. If she owns a house, the estate administrator has to decide if it will be sold. Order a sufficient quantity of death certificates from the funeral home so that the estate administrator will have enough to close her accounts that require proof. Since Covid, many places may accept scanned copies of the death certificates, rather than requiring original copies. It doesn't have to be done right away, but eventually the administrator of the estate will have to close her accounts or transfer the accounts into the names of the beneficiary(s) and distribute the assets to living people.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
We were lucky in that mother had all her ducks in a row, and when she passed, we made ONE trip to the mortuary to finalize details for the funeral she had already 'prepared'. If your loved one has not done this, I wish you well. "Guessing' is not easy.
At the mortuary, a grief counselor came in at the end of the hour and talked to us and gave us a brochure about the grieving process and what to expect and what kind of behavior and emotions were 'normal'. I actually kind of tossed that aside, thinking I didn't need it, but in actuality, I have referred to it frequently--mostly to get a clue as to why my YB was so 'off the rails'--he was absolutely frantic. And that was one of the grief 'signals'.
I think that if you google 'funeral plans' there will be many different lists of things you'll find that you aren't even thinking of. The list can be long and daunting and your mortuary will assist you along the way. You do pay a small fortune to them, so use the services.
Is mom in a state of mind that you can ASK her what she would want? Don't do that if it upsets her unduly. It sure helps when the dying person has left their preferences written down and someone knows where to find them.
I'm fortunate in that all the people who have passed before me have left detailed instructions. Not that they were picky, but to make it easier on those of us left behind. Mom's estate will be settled within a month--and I am grateful to her b/c it has gone smoothly thus far. I know we gave her the funeral she wanted and that helps with the grief.
MINIMALLY--choose a mortuary that all of you can agree on. Let them do their jobs. Don't get pulled in by the grief to the point you end up spending $20K on a casket and headstone--unless that's what mom wanted. My DH paid well over $10K for his father's casket (19 years ago). Mom's cost under $2K and was lovely.
We DID spend a lot on flowers and that was our choice.
Our mortuary handled everything but the writing of the obituary. It was nice b/c it gave us a chance to do other things, to grieve, to call friends and family and to clean out her keepsakes and give them to the grandkids who had come to town for the funeral.
I'm not helping, I realize--but I do feel for you. This is hard and nothing can really prepare you for the finality of the death of a LO.
I will say, be sure to take care of yourself. I am suddenly overwhelmed by this sad listlessness and I guess it will be with me until I've processed it.
((Hugs)) this is hard.
Lainey
Thank all of your for your posts.
I appreciate that I am not the only on in this situation!!!
THANK YOU. I will look at it right now.....
Blessings!!!
Lainey
If you have plans for services, many funeral homes have lists to help you. Social Workers at hospital do as well and so does Hospice if they are involved.
AARP is good. Type What to do after Death into the search bar.
Google or other search engines will have a list for you.
Nothing needs to be handled IMMEDIATELY other than choosing last services and burial or cremation. Start there. The funeral home will report the death to the Social Security, but you can do that as well. All Credit agencies should be notified of this death with a simple letter so that no credit is issued in loved one's name.
Do know that published death notices not only notifies the world of this passing, but scammers out there who often rob homes during services, attempt to open credit and run other scams. Be on the alert.
After the services, notification of Social Security and credit companies (notify ONE and all will share it. Say go online to Experian and ask how to notify of death and Experian will share with Transunion and Equifax (hope I got those names correct). Notify any credit card companies as well.
I am sorry for this passing of your loved one. Take a deep breath. Family gets together and comes to conclusions about whether there is a will, a trust or an estate and who is Executor.
Come back after the basics are done if you need more help. Our hearts go out to you in your loss.
The Funeral Director will handle contacting Social Security of her death. Lets say she passes in Sept. She will receive that payment because its August money. But, she will not get an Oct because she died in Sept.
If she receives a pension, the company handling the pension will need to be notified. My Dads company also handled her secondary health insurance so I was able to cancel everything at one time. You will need to cancel her appts. Not right away, but I did notify all her doctors of her death.
In my State probate can't be done for 9 or 10 days after death. If Mom has no Will and no assets then there will be no probate. But you may need to get a "Short Certificate" to be able to handle Moms bills and such. If someone has POA, it stops at death of the principle. Then the Executor takes over. If no Executor is assigned, then some needs to become an Administrator.
The 3 days after Moms passing will be the stressful time. After that you take one day at a time. If not something that has to be done right now, then u do it when you feel like it.
Both were cremated as well; I held off on mom's celebration of life service for 5 months, until it could be done properly and when the whole family was available to attend. We used the Neptune Society for the cremation, and I was able to order Prayer Cards and Memorial Folders from them which turned out great. The Memorial Folders (for the service) have mom's photo on the top right side; the Prayer Cards have a saying on the back along with her date of birth and date of death, and a gorgeous colorized painting of the Virgin Mary on the front. I had Neptune laminate them for me too. I sent those Prayer Cards out to the relatives that lived far away and couldn't attend the service. The day before the memorial service (at the military cemetery) I ordered flowers to be arranged in my vase to bring with me to the service.
Neptune notified Social Security, by the way, who in turn supposedly notified the VA (but I called the VA directly to let them know dad and mom had passed, each time individually so they could stop Aid & Attendance payments). I was on both of their checking accounts as a co signer, so I was able to just close out the bank account after mom died by writing a check payable to myself.
My condolences on the impending loss of your mom. Wishing you peace and God's grace as you go through this grief process.
Take this time now to prepare yourself, (as hard as it may be).
Prayers and Blessings.
Look for her address book right now. (Or if she’s up with the times, the password to her phone). My MIL had four or five address books; apparently she didn’t transfer everything and didn’t throw away old ones when she got a new one. So in many cases I had to make several tries to find her friends and family to notify them. I wanted to let people know personally and not just post on social media. If you want to do the same, be sure to let family members know not to post until you’ve contacted the people you want to notify personally.
You’ll probably want to let her doctors and dentist know (the docs that aren’t directly involved in her end of life care). If she has appointments you’ll need to cancel them. The funeral home will help you with death certificates and notifying social security. If she receives a pension, contact the administrator. They can advise if there are any death benefits payable and ensure that payments stop at the appropriate time (so her account doesn’t receive payments that have to be reimbursed).
If she owns a home there will be more tasks. The immediate one is to contact her insurance agent. If no one will be living there they will want to change the policy. Same if she still owns a car. The estate may be due a premium refund if she has supplemental health insurance.
Probably most important is to make an appointment with the attorney if you are the executor/personal representative for the estate. They can advise whether probate will be necessary and guide you through the process if so.
I’m sorry for your impending loss. If you have someone who can help you with this, do take advantage of it. I did much of the notifications and business after my husband’s mother died; I know he appreciated it and I was glad to help him with it.
This helps them in a couple ways, they can close her account and they don't have to contact loved ones. If she has MyChart, that will be deactivated ASAP as soon as the SSN has been notified as belonging to a deceased person . (so to combat fraud).
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