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It is not you, but rather her body that has betrayed her.
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DesertRose7: You are feeling grief because you are human. The early morning hour of 1 A.M. when I left my mother in the nursing home was devastating to me as I had to go home (that wasn't my home) to an empty house many states away from mine. There is nothing wrong with you.
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My mother is not in a nursing home, but she is in a nice assisted living. But she's there reluctantly. She has guilt us for the whole month that she's been there. However, a couple of weeks ago she fell in the AL. She didn't fall hard, but slide and ended up on the floor and couldn't get up. The aide was making her rounds and heard, "Help me! Help me!" That's when they found her. I had never been more thankful that I had her there than in that moment. She forgot that she had the button around her neck to push for help, but because of their normal rounds they found her. Now, if she would have been at home, she would have laid there for hours. She would have been there long enough to be dead or her muscles breaking down and kidney failure starting. I know this because it's happened so many times before. Does it suck that she fell in AL? Yes. They will still fall. The difference is more people around to have eyes on them. I'm sorry that this is not what she wanted. But I'm also sorry that she never planned for this scenario either and just "hoped she would die of a heart attack in her sleep".
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You are not taking away your mom's independence, longevity and ill-health did that. All you are doing is making certain she is safe and comfortable. Your mom is lucky to have you looking out for her best interests. If you feel guilty about that, then we need to have a conversation!
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My mother had been living alone, underutilizing the care agency I’d engaged for her, and falling for 17 years. She finally fell 3x in a row and the hospital finally did not release her home She went to rehab, and I ( I am 400+ miles away) activated her LTC policy, without her agreeing . I helped set her up there, but cried every day, and felt guilty. It is a heart wrenching experience for us all, I think. Mom had been there 2 years now. She is wheelchair bound, and safe. Things get better, the sadness and guilt level out with time…. Take Care…..
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NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2023
That has to be hard to manage things from afar, but you got it done!

Sending hugs your way!
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AlvaDeer gave me some great advice that you need to rethink your g words. It's not guilt but grief. I am grieving my mom (the mom I knew and loved and let's face it fought with). She is still there in bits and pieces but her body is failing her and basically turning against her. I am doing all I can to ensure her safety and care for her, but we take everything day by day.

You are a good caring daughter! You are giving her love, comfort, and safety just as she did for you when you were young!
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It is not over if you have placed her. When our family made the choice to place mom after she nearly burned down her apartment we all just made a promise we would still be in her life.

We visit often, we take her home for the weekends and holidays. When we go on vacations we take her. Now we know things will not always work like this but we make do with the time we have. We come by regularly to give her a bath, sing songs we brought her guitar and we play together. We made her room as close as we could to her apartments old room.

How I get through it, no matter how bad things may get my mom never gave up on us, and we will not do the same. Find the good moments when you can, and understand you are doing what is best for her , but at the sametime she does not have to be alone through it.
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