Is it normal to feel as though you have betrayed your mother when you have to put her in a nursing home?

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Is it normal to feel as though you have betrayed your mother when you have to put her in a nursing home?

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My 94-year-old mom was hospitalized on Memorial Day after a fall. Her 3rd fall in 3weeks. She spent the month of June in short term rehab, where they insisted she was strong enough to be released to her home on 6-30-2023, even though I told them she lives alone and still can’t go to the bathroom without help, not to mention dress herself, feed herself, etc. They set her up with home healthcare a couple hours a week. I did not think this was enough but they insisted she could be alone in the house. She fell again on 7-1-2023. She is completely incontinent, refuses to even try to get up without my being there to help her in her walker or wheelchair. After spending most of the day that she fell in the ER with her, we set up a plan to put her into a nursing home. She agreed she would go there. I felt good about it at the time. Of course, because of the holiday, she is still in my care until 7-5-2023. She is virtually helpless. I am stressed out of my mind. Today I am beginning to feel remorse that I am taking away her independence and betraying her. What is wrong with me? I know she has no choice given her current condition and this is best for her safety, but I am so upset by all of it.

Care Decisions Family Caregiver Guilt Skilled Nursing Facility

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How can you possibly feel that you are betraying someone that you are trying to keep safe?
Her options at this point are allowing caregivers come in and care for her 24/7 OR go to Assisted Living if this is the level of care that she needs.
A "nursing home" is what is now called Skilled Nursing facility and it is for people that require move medical attention. Assisted Living is for people that need help with ADL's (Activities of Daily Living such as toileting, bathing, fixing meals, dressing and so on)

And you are not taking away independence, from your description she is not independent. What you are taking away is the Illusion of independence.

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Grandma 1954, thank you for your words. They gave helped me to better understand that this is what is best for my mom. Thank you.

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I think your feelings are normal, but you also know she truly is not independent anymore.

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Thank you kellse. It is true, she has steadily become less independent over the past several years. I know logically having her in this facility is best to keep her safe.

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Its ok to feel upset that your mom is in this helpless and broken down condition......its not ok to feel as if it's somehow your fault she's in this condition, or that you've "betrayed" her by placing her in a safe care environment. She's been fortunate enough to have lived 94 years so far, but now requires more care with everyday life than you're able to provide her with, or that she can provide for herself. The realistic solution is a SNF that's staffed with teams of caregivers to meet her needs.

That said, it's natural to feel guilty and sad over having to make such decisions. Then we often get to hear guilt trip lingo from chronic SNF-phobic posters here on the forum who should be ignored. In a perfect world, we'd all die before old age diseases and conditions set in to a degree we'd need managed care or help wiping our own butts. But we don't live in a perfect world and often have to make hard choices from a selection of ALL bad choices. Such is life.

My mother lived in a nice Memory Care Assisted Living facility for the last 3 years of her life, in a wheelchair, with advanced dementia and incontinent with severe neuropathy in both legs. She was beautifully cared for by "her girls" as she called them, and had a decent quality of life, too. In her condition, it was the best of a bad situation. I didn't feel guilty about the situation, but I always felt sad and tearful whenever I saw her.

Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.

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Thank you lealonnie1. The story you shared about your mom was touching and encouraging. I am sad that things aren’t as they were when my mom was younger, but this new life is what is best for her needs and her safety. Thank you for sharing your story of your mom.

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You would have betrayed her if you hadn’t found a place where she’ll get the 24/7 care she needs. What you’re doing for her is the kindest and most responsible thing you could be doing.

What is wrong with you? You answered that question. You’re stressed out of your mind. Stop rethinking it and give yourself the credit you deserve. Get mom where she needs to be and take her some cookies. The aides too.

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Thank you Fawnby. I appreciate your answer and you have helped me to begin to feel better about this very hard decision. And, yes, I like your idea to bring mom (and her aides) lots of great cookies. I have all of her special Christmas cookie recipes and would love to continue her tradition of baking those cookies for everyone to enjoy.

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Nothing is wrong with you. Change is hard and it involves someone you love. My mom has been in LTC since February and am so very thankful for the facility. She is cared for, eating, meeting new people, participating in activities and doing well. Most importantly for me - she is safe (she was not safe at home, alone).

Even so, at times I have flashes of guilt. Probably the realization that both our lives have changed and life won’t be the same.

Please take time for you - to process all these emotions. Wishing you peace in the midst of these changes.

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Thank you Katsmihur. I appreciate you sharing the story of you and your mom. This helps me a lot. I know in my heart this is the right thing for my mom. Change is hard for all of us but I just need to focus on all of the benefits this change will provide for my moms safety and well being and for my sanity. Thank you for sharing.

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You? What did YOU do wrong?

Old age and the diminishment of our abilities comes to us all, whether we have children or no.

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Thank you BarbBrooklyn. Your words make absolute sense and helps me to come back to reality in this situation. It’s such a hard decision but these changes are inevitable and we simply need to move forward with them in this new stage of my moms life.

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She has no independence; you are compensating for what she can no longer do.

You are doing what is best for her and all concerned.

Upset is normal however you need to reframe your thinking, you are helping her not hindering her.

Nothing in life remains constant, it either gets better or worse, with aging there is no better, there is no betrayal only your grief that she no longer is the person you once knew.

If necessary, get some therapy to help you through this difficult time.

Sending support your way.

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Thank you MeDolly. I appreciate your words. I see more clearly from all of the kind comments that my moms decline warrants this move. It’s best for her and for me and my family. I’ve actually missed the past 7 years of my grandkids lives because I could not leave my mom alone and she could not travel that far to visit them with me. I need to take my life back, knowing that all of her needs are being met by skilled caregivers.

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You are feeling GRIEF.
You didn't cause any of this. You can't fix any of this. You are human and have limitations and cannot be a 24/7 chief cook, bottlewasher, nurse, doctor for your Mom. We have seen people here get strokes from this. We have seen them have breakdowns.

You have done what you can. You have told her you are sorry and cannot go on and you love her I would bet, and she has told you it is OK, which will hurt you even more to your core. Anger is always easier because it gives you something to think about other than to stand witness to the awful --the DREADFUL pain and loss upon loss upon loss.

You are grieving. What kind of person would you be if you couldn't grief this loss. And is it not worth your Mom's tears, all she must go through, whether you stand witness to it 24/7 or not. And to know she is a burden to her beloved daughter, because the honest truth is (I am 81 and know) that's what we become, no matter our good intentions.

I am so sorry. There is no way round this grief but moving through it. Remember, guilt belongs to felons and they NEVER feel it. Just love your mom. Just love her. And please love yourself and accept that you are not god, you are not even a Saint. It's a bad job description anyway, I always say. It's a kind of hubris to think we can be perfect. We can't. We are human beings.

My heart goes out to you.

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Bless you AlvaDeer. Your kind words have really helped me to look at this situation differently. Yes, I do see myself as grieving and know that I need to move through it, much the way I did after my dad passed. My mom has been in my care ever since, the past 12 years. She was relatively independent at first but over the past 6-7 years she has been in steady decline. Your response to my post is so helpful and I thank you for it.

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What you are feeling is totally normal. Sometimes we need to put our head before our heart. Instinctively you know that this is the next most logical step. Does that make it any easier? No, it doesn't. But from what you have described your mom doesn't have any independence so you aren't taking that away from her.

You are not betraying her. You are saving her from more falls, falls that could possibly really cripple her.

Don't beat yourself up about this. You are doing the right thing.

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Thank you Gershun. Your response makes a lot of sense and helps me to put this into better perspective. She has been in steady decline for the past several years and I think I just have chosen to ignore the inevitable. Making this tough decision is best for her safety and I know it was the right thing to do.

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Feel remorse, guilt, betrayal and grief. Then power through it. Backing down now will only make it harder for the next fall and trip to ER, when you will be telling yourself, "why didn't I follow through the last time?" You can still care for her when she is in a stable environment by keeping an eye on her and communicating her needs to the staff.

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Thank you GAinPA. Your response is helpful in so many ways. I may simply have been in some denial that her condition had deteriorated to the point that it has. It’s critical now for her to get the help she needs. I will definitely be in contact with the staff and be sure her needs are met.

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I think you are feeling rotten because your mom has declined. You realized that she needed 24/7 care and you made a wise choice to place her in a facility. 👏 Bravo!

Now you can return to being her daughter instead of her caregiver.

You have shown her that you care by placing her in a facility where her needs will be met.

You can help by being a wonderful advocate and oversee her care.

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Thank you NeedHelpWithMom. Yes, I feel a surge of relief when I think about simply being her daughter again. It’s been awhile since I had that kind of relationship with her. I’ll leave the caregiving to the professional staff and simply enjoy visiting her and helping to be sure her needs are being met by the staff. Thank you.

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It sounds as though her needs will be better met in a SNF where there will be three shifts of caregivers available to give her around the clock care. You will not be able to come close to doing what these people will be doing for her. She needs to be where her needs are met.

Do not feel any remorse. You are doing the the best thing for her. You should feel proud of yourself that you were able to get this done.

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What nursing home is this with three shifts?

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DesertRose, I bawled like a baby every single time I saw my dad for weeks. Feeling bad about this transition is completely normal.

Watching our parents lose the life they knew, we knew, is very sad and worth mourning. BUT, be as positive and upbeat about how much it is the right thing around your mom as possible. If you show any hesitation, it will give her an opening to work on you being her 24/7 caregiver or it will create fear for her, neither one is going to be helpful for the move.

You got this. You know in your head and heart that she now needs a village and you are ensuring that she has one. That is the most loving thing you can do for her.

I would encourage you to be her tour guide, meaning, join her for events, help her meet new people and meet them yourself. Homemade sweets are a HUGE icebreaker. I loved this time of year, I could do yummy fruit based deserts and not feel bad about jacking anyone up on sugar :-).

You will be her advocate and her daughter and that will be more beneficial for her then killing yourself to keep her home.

Great big warm hug! I found placing my dad to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do, time does make it easier.

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Thank you Isthistealyreal. I appreciate you sharing your story about your dad and how you felt when you went to visit. My mom has spent the month of June in a local short stay rehab facility and I literally cried my way home after each visit. I appreciate all of these responses from folks who have lived through this. I know this is best for her and I have new encouragement to look at this in a more positive light. Thank you.

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Poor mom.

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To Cover909. I have thought about your response since it appears you are not a fan of my mom going into assisted living. Poor mom is true. This will be a challenging transition for her. But which situation is best for her? Her staying alone in her home, sitting in a diaper, unable to use her walker or wheelchair to get off the chair in which she sits to watch TV unless I am there to assist her. She has to do this because I am at work. No, I can’t afford to quit my job. Or, better for her to make this difficult transition to a facility where staff is always present and willing to engage her, assist her, and entertain her. Plus, I get to visit her and be her daughter again instead of her part time nurse maid. It’s an incredibly hard thing to put someone you love dearly into a facility, but given the choices of life I’ve listed, I think the facility is best for her health and her safety.

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Desert,

Please don’t question your decision to place your mom. You absolutely made the best choice for her. You’re being responsible!

I truly admire you for knowing your limitations instead of pushing yourself beyond your limits.

I wish I would have been able to see things as clearly as you have. I was one who continued to push myself way past my limits. Trust me, it doesn’t end well. I ended up in therapy.

Thank God, I had a great therapist who worked with me and helped me to realize that I didn’t have to be superwoman!

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Thank you. I’m glad you were able to get through your “superwoman” stage okay. For me, I’ve been in an anti-anxiety meditation since last year. Hoping I won’t need it anymore after my mom is settled in her new lifestyle.

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It is absolutely normal to feel as you do, but it’s erroneous.

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Thank you PeggySue2020, and I agree. I am working on putting the whole situation into a more positive light.

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It is upsetting, but none of this is your fault and you shouldn't feel you are betraying her or feel any guilt. Old age took away her intendance, not you. She is capable of caring for herself and a facility is the best place for her to receive the level of care she needs.

My mother was being cared for at home and was suffering as no one was capable of providing her the level of care she needed. Placing her in a facility was the best thing we could have done for her. Her health has drastically improved, and she is happy as she is getting more socialization.

I am grateful every day that my mother is in a facility, and I can care for my own kids, have a career, travel and enjoy life. Not all facilities are bad and if your mother needs a high level on hands on care, will be the best place for her.

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Thank you Mountaingyrl. I really appreciate all of the responses and support of this incredibly hard decision. It’s so difficult but I do believe this is best for her. I can’t possibly give her the degree of care that she now needs and the facility can. It’s as simple as that. Thank you for your response.

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Hi,
Bless you! I understand! I know that my dad will eventually need assisted living but I do feel guilty. But.. I feel better about it after posting here. I got some great responses! As you said , it is for her safety and if you are like me, you can not be there 24/7.

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Like me, when I turn care over to paid caregivers 3 days a week, I first asked myself, "how am I not taking care of my mom?" The ladies we have are angels and I would sell the gold fillings in my teeth to keep them in our family if that's what it takes. They are now like my other moms. I don't know how we were so graced, but we were.

I talked to my therapist about it and she asked me, 'how is arranging care NOT caring for your mom?'

We all feel this weight like it's our responsibility when it is actually help and assistance, and acting responsibly. Especially when you have secured finances, safety, security, medication, medical care... How is that a betrayal.

A betrayal would be like, I don't know, dumping her on a curb and saying "who are you?" Arranging OUTSIDE care is not a betrayal. It. Is. Still. Care.

Right now what you can do is make sure the facility is looking after her carefully and properly. That's the important part. Is it up to you to 24/7 your mom? No. Keeping your own mind, heart, and health intact, while overseeing the same for your mom is not betrayal, it is care. And if said facility sadly falls below that standard, you do like we all do and move on to the next that will better oversee her.

I have a mom that at any given minute would be worthy of walking away from, as many of us on this forum have. But the fact that you have a plan in place? How is that betrayal. "Hey mom, I looked out for you." Whisper that every day. Then ask yourself if you betrayed her.

Because you have not.

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When they need 24 / 7 Care and you can no Longer Life them or Make sure they are safe that's the time to Place them if you can't afford in Home caregivers .

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It was heartbreaking to even think that my father might have to go into assisted living in the future. But when he needed assistance for daily living everyone knew it was the right and only decision.

It turned out to be far better than I ever imagined. All the daily therapy, activities, and social stimulation has allowed him to regain strength and now he has a much better quality life. A lot better than laying in bed all alone!

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Lisa, thanks for this. I remember how much you did not want your dad to enter care. I think it's admirable that you were able to change when you saw it working for him.

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I hated it! I felt sooo guilty, hurt and sad. But I also told myself that I could not take care of my daddy. He was six feet 246 lbs and I had to go to work. I was bless because the facility he was in was close enough to work and home that no matter what day it was I could visit him daily.

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Rose, I am so sorry. There is nothing wrong with you, you feel this way because you love your mom and you’re grieving her losses and your eventual loss of her. She’s not going to the nursing home because you failed, she’s going because it’s the care she needs to minimize the risk of something awful happening. It was wrong of the so-called experts at rehab to overlook or perhaps deliberately downplay her problems which sound so obvious. I often wonder what these people are thinking when they send an obviously incapable patient home on their own.

You being stressed out of your mind won’t do anything for your mother. Nobody could give that kind of care 24/7. Her being taken care of properly and you living your life as her daughter and advocate will help make her remaining years as good as they can be. Please, take care of yourself and her, as you know you should.

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No I did not betray my father by placing him in a NH. I feel bad that his body continues to hold on. There is no quality of life yet he lingers. It would have been a mercy for him to pass before he deteriorated to the point that this was the only option left.

He is better off where he is, he is getting better care than his daughters could give. He actually is doing better than he was his last year at home.

I am still managing my mother’s in home care and working on placing her there as well. No guilt about this either.

I know it is hard but try not to get too emotional about it. It doesn’t help. I’ve done what I’ve done out of love for my parents and I am sure you are too.

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Absolutely. No matter how necessary. ❤. My mom knew we were looking for a place--before she ran out of money for 24/7 in-home care--but her money lasted longer than expected and she was able to die at home after just a few days on hospice. She was able to put a brave face on it, but would ask me how much longer she had at home. I was thrilled when she was offered a place (with about 24 hours notice...my sister and I agreed nope) and I was able to tell her we'd decided against it...

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It is very 'normal' to feel this way.

It is extremely difficult to make these decisions when necessary - for the welfare and safety of the loved one. It is a major life transition.

Feel as you feel. Allow your feelings to come up and out. Cry as you also acknowledge the love inside you for doing what is for her best interest. What you are doing is loving her.

Watching / observing a loved one slowly - or not so slowly - decline is difficult. We want the / our parent to be as they were. We do not want them to decline / die. This is human nature. As declining is.

Be present and love her as you are and can.

There is ABSOLUTELY nothing 'wrong' with you. You hurt, you love her. This is normal. You do not want her to suffer.

Gena / Touch Matters

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Very common feeling . ((((Hugs)))).

You are making sure Mom gets the care she needs. You are a caring person . That is not a betrayal.

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Well, she made it to 94 in her own home. My mother was 90 when she could no longer live in her home safely, and I brought her to live with me.

You are not responsible for taking away your mother's independence and betraying her, so don't accept false guilt. Your mother's age, frailty and physical limitations are what has taken away her independence.

Don't be taken by surprise that you're upset and stressed, because it comes with the territory. It's hard to watch, it's hard to make decisions, it's hard to care for someone who can't care for themselves, it's hard to process.

It's the hardest job we never wanted.

Your mother's care and safety are what is important - not necessarily where she receives it. You're doing what's right for her.

Peace and blessings.

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Yes; feelings are normal associated with the grief associated with change; in this instance the change being the placement of mother into facility care. You are grieving, she is most likely grieving. Valid decisions for a loved ones care and safety and, the health and well being of all , ( in this instance placement in facility) are often accompanied by grief . Be sure to get support for yourself via pastoral, or other spiritual, grief support and, have supportive pastoral and/ or social worker visits go to see your mother.

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I totally understand and completely empathize with your feelings of guilt and betrayal. My mother was placed in a rehab/ nursing home. My mother had been disabled for many years due to an aneurysm and stroke. My dad and my sisters, we took care of her for years. She had fallen a few times here and there. That usually happened in the dead of night or early morning.
My sisters and I grew up and spent our teenage years into adulthood helping my dad with caring for our mom but we all moved out to go to school or work, marriage.
In February of 2021 my dad had a stroke and was going to be needing help as well. My sisters and I all stepped up to care for both of them with the help of a live in caregiver which ate away all our savings. Not complaining about that. That’s just what happened.
Everything was going ok. My dad got well enough to the point where we didn’t need the live in help so we got some help from IHSS about 124 hrs a month.
then my mom had a bad fall in the early morning and broke her hip. This happened in October of 2021. She has been in the nursing home ever since.
I always thought we could take care of her at home but after that fall, we knew that she would require more help than what we could give at home. We visit her all the time. She really is being well taken care of. I just wish We had unlimited funds to get someone to be with her at home but we don’t.
The tears are rolling down my face as I’m typing this.
I’m going to see her today.
I love her with all my heart as you love your mama❤️
I visit her weekly( I live over 100 miles away)
I bring her yummy food and take her out every time I visit.
You have done what you can for her and it is hard to let go but there comes a time when it is unsafe to keep them home.
This fall that broke my mother’s hip happened on our watch at 4 am.
Please give yourself a break. It is the right thing to place her in 24 hr care. The staff will be there for her at all hours of day and night. They will keep her safe. Visit her as much as you can. I unfortunately live far but if I lived closer I would be visiting much more often than 2x a week.
The best to you and your mama.💖

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Thank you for the beautiful response.
At a point your very best and all your time and energy is not enough for their care. My dad passed in 2020 at his home with caregivers and hospice. Many hospitalizations, surgery & rehab proceeded his death. Mom followed him in 2022 but passed on day 2 in a very nice nursing home. She had become bedridden and had dementia. At present I am helping take care of husband's 94 year old aunt. She has 24/7 care and now hospice.

All this has taken a terrible toll on my health, stroke & heart surgery in 2022.
My sister has long haul covid after effects and many health issues she will have her entire life. Two other siblings are estranged and never even called.

Thankfully my husband has his only brother & wife very actively helping with Aunt.

One day at a time and just do what you can. Please take care of yourself.

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Is it normal to feel as though you have betrayed your mother when you have to put her in a nursing home?

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