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Hello. I have been a live-in 24/7 caregiver to my sister's mother-in-law with dementia for 7 years. I have an oppurunity to move out and get my own place. Another sister has a apartment that she need to rent. She asked me because she knows this job has been so stressful and mentally exhausting, taking a toll on my health. She wants me to find peace and get some kind of life back. She would not charge me much. I would not have a job, but right now I believe for my sanity and health, it might be best to take a step back after I move to get myself back. It would be the best thing to take the apartment to get some kind of life back. The other thing is, I thought when I did move out here I would back out state I would be moving to is in the state I live in now, but maybe this could be a stepping stone, but it would be my place. The other thing is the daughter would have to place her mother and I know it would be hard for her. I have to think of myself and health so I am conflicted, but I know it the best for me to get out of this situation, because like I said, it's 24/7 and not much time off and it is taking a toll. It's not going to change and the lady getitng worse. Thank you. Sorry this is so long. I just need help in my decision.

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Your sister is correct: you need to take care of you first, before you burn out. Your in-law will need to solve the problem of care for her mother, not you. It's not your responsibility. And you are correct that she will need to be placed eventually, anyway. Give her about 1 month's notice and then whether or not she's solved her care problem, move out and have your own life!
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
Thank you for the encourangment
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As I’m in your shoes with my mom I totally understand where you’re coming from. You’ve been faithful in caring for her. You’ve been offered a gift, a blessing. Take it! I’m sure she’ll be placed in a good & safe place. You can visit her anytime & get your life back at the same time. Let me know what you decide!
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
Hello Mom only child Thank you sorry your going through ths But thanks understanding and the encouragement Caregiving in such a stressfull job But we try to do our best for are love ones Like you are ans it sounds like you a only child I have lost both my parents And i took care of them so i understand the sacfrice we make Will im going to move to that apartment And it will be a fresh start And i need that and it time Thank you
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Is it possible to still retain the job you have but cut the hours to a 6 or 7 hour day? Someone else can take the remaining hours that a caregiver is necessary.
This way you can have your space. You can relax, decompress and not have to worry about being awoken at 3 am to do what ever needed to be done.
You can take the hours that you have for yourself and begin to look for other work in whatever field you want. Or you can take some classes at the local Community College.
But if you feel that it would be best for you to fully step back do so. Or take a 2 or 3 week vacation then return to the caregiving job but again only for limited hours. (Unless during your vacation you find a job)
With all the suggestions you are going to get do what you feel is going to be right. Trust your Gut instinct
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
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Surprised you have not burned out long before this.

I believe you have been given a gift too. I am not a religious person. per say, but maybe God is trying to say, its time to move on. If this woman has had Dementia for 7 years, she probably now needs LTC. Take this opportunity and step away from caregiving for a while. Find something different for now.

Looks like one sister is on your side.
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
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Yes. Do it. That would be my advice. By try to think of the best WAY to do this and the repercussions of doing it.
Give notice of at least one month that you will be moving to your own place and will not be able to continue care. Are you hoping to do ANY care going forward? If so, tell them what hours you would be available, what their costs would be. Be paid, and pay taxes on the money you receive as salary. If you would rather go on with education and/or job then do so. The longer you delay then the more difficult this will be. 7 years is a long time. You deserve your own life. DO KNOW that what is now seeming a godsend of a good friend giving you a real break on cost of living may not last, so be ready to be on your own, working and paying rent.
If there is argument just don't "go there". Just say you are sorry, you know this is difficult for them, but that you must think now of yourself and your own life. Wishing you luck. Hoping you will update us.
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
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Of course you should take a break! There is no point in burning out. You count too!

Best of luck to you.
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
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Absolutely yes you should. You need to take care of yourself too...the sooner the better.
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
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I think you have your answer but I'll throw my two-cents in -- we can't be of any use to anyone if we aren't taking care of ourselves first. You said it yourself -- "stressful and mentally exhausting, taking a toll on my health." When you started taking care of your bil's mother, did they understand that this wasn't "till death"? I sure hope they did.

The person you were seven years ago when you took on this responsibility is not the person you are today. You need to recapture the good parts of the old you and let go of the bad parts of the new you. If one of your sisters can see how this has worn you down, surely the other sister is aware as well.

I hope the transition goes smoothly and that there is no family rift because of this. Perhaps this is the very thing your sister and bil need to get them to move forward with a placement for mom. Wishing you all the best.
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
Thank you for support and i agree it time to take care of me and yes time for the mother to go in assited liviing Thank you for the encouragment
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Go back and read your excellent letter. Read it again, 2 or 3 times if you need to. You yourself have answered the question you are asking.

You have done the very best you could, to help this lady live at home for 7 years. You have given her and your daughter a BEAUTIFUL GIFT.

Now, you OWE YOURSELF the gift of wellness, peace, comfort, and FREEDOM.

You took on a very difficult responsibility, honored it, and have now come to realize that you are also an important responsibility, TO YOURSELF.

Enjoy EVERY SECOND in your new apartment. See new things, try some new adventures.

You are Blessed for having stepped up. Relish every moment of your future.
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
Thank you i love that letter and kind words Thank you for your support and encouragment
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Great advice here.. pls take it ... be firm with your decision... give 1 month notice that would be nice .. and leave ... their responsibility to find alternatives.
and don’t agree to any ‘part time ‘
situations.
when you’re ready look for another line of work .
best of luck
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
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I WOULD TAKE IT! Now is your chance to reclaim your own life..do it before it is too late.

What will happen when your sister's MIL dies? --you will be left on your own! unless she is wealthy and leaves a fortune to you in her will, I would take that opportunity to leave this situation.
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
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Do it!!! Do it now.
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
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You need some respite. Please take the apartment. Consider if you want to continue caring for this lady for less time and still get paid or find a completely new job. Either way, please find an employment situation that gives you time off to have your own life.
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
Thank you i think when i move I need to take a step back and rest and start getting my life back Thank you for the support and encouragment
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YES! Do it! Your health and mental well being come first! My sister and I are currently trying to manage our 91 year old mothers life, she fell 3 weeks ago and broke her hip, currently in rehab. We have had to find creative ways to keep our sanity and keep our souls intact. We didn't have the greatest childhood, with an alcoholic father and a mother who always put herself first. So now we are putting ourselves first, as we were taught by her. You need to focus on your own life, you cannot be chained down by other people's needs. Take your life back, we are here on this Earth only a short time and your need to enjoy your life. Good luck- put YOURSELF first!
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
Thank you for the support and encouragment and yes you need to put your self first Sometime are lives get put hold to take care of are love one And yes we need to enjoy life And i need to get mine back
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I haven't read all the answers yet so someone else might have addressed this already. If the lady has dementia it will only get worse and unless you have specific training in that are you will not have the tools to properly take care of her. As for being on your own, yes go for it you need a break, 7 years is a long time. I wish you an easy transition. Be firm and know that this will be for the best in the long run.
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
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Do it! Yes!
Things seem to fall into place for you right now.

You already made up your mind and thought of all the pros and cons and you need to put yourself first. It is your life and as many people mentioned, the lady’s issues will only get worse and not easier to handle for you.

Best of luck and best wishes! 🙂
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
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Just the title of your post says it all.  YES.  Save yourself; as others have said, you've been more than generous.  Life is too short.  Give a reasonable notice and stay firm.  Best wishes for the next chapter of life!
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
Thank you for the kind words Support and Encouragment
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Yes, live your best life. Its goin to be a lil hard for you at the beginning because she has become apart of your life but you u need sanity!!!

Best wishes
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
Thank you i agree it will be hard at the beginning because i have been consume to her life But i do need my sanity Thank you For the support and encouragment
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You clearly know the answer, now you need the courage and energy - and a stepwise plan - to make the change.

Courage! You can do this. Banish negative thoughts and uncertainties. You'll be so grateful to yourself when you're on the other end.
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
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7 years is long enough - please get out while you still have some sanity left. You have done a good deed and it's time for you to focus on yourself. And yes the lady will get worse and will need more medical care. Why is this all up to you anyway?
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
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Self-care is the most effective plan a person can do for self. However, seven years are completion and perfection. God has received you from this task. He has begun the rewarding process through this apartment. Now take advantage and look for the rest that is coming your way. He saw your tears and he knows your pain. He said enough is enough. It is time for you to rest and regain control over your life. Peace (Shalom). May the peace of God continue to lead and guide you.
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
Thank you such kind words and agree 7 years is enough Caregiving can be rewarding but it can be so exhausting at the same time i have done the best i can do Time to take care of me and get my life back Thank you for support and encourangment
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WOW ! seven years is a very long time. I agree with a lot of the posts. Time to care for YOU. Now is the time to move on. God bless you.
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
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You seem to already know what you should do and take the apartment. You’ve done the Lions share of the care and it appears it’s time for the daughter to step up! Don’t feel guilty or sad, getting your life back will take some time, but you can and should do it.
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
Thank you the support and encouragemnt Never heard the saying about the lions share of care But those words do say alot I know it time Thank you
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Leave. Like the airlines say, "Put your own oxygen mask first".
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
Thank you for reply I never thought of that way Thank you for the encouragement
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Is it your sister who "needs" to rent the apartment?
Are you planning to quit the caregiving entirely, give notice, and then move? Or are there any expectations of what you will be doing for 'family' once you move?

Proceed with a wonderful opportunity to get yourself free!
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
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Seven years is long enough for anyone.
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
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Imho, I believe that you should take this opportunity.
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
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Aren’t you happy that you posted here? As you can see, we all support you!
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
Yes I am for all the support Thank you for the encouragement
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Just do whatever is right for YOU. The daughter can hire another care giver, or, she can place her mother or even care for her herself. You are not the 'only' opportunity she has with regard to her mother's care! Don't fall for that nonsense, and move on with your life. You deserve to!
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
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I believe in my heart that you should leave and take care of yourself. You have taken care of this woman for 7 years and that is amazing if you think about it. You need to go and live your own life now. It is time for the family to do what is best for your patient. If she is getting more confused it would be easier for her to be placed in a memory care facility. You have been a wonderful person to give so much of your life for so long to the care of this elderly person. You need time to rest and plan the next phase of your life now. Please don't feel bad you have done so much and her family knows this true. Do it move and go on with your own life!
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KROGER123456 Oct 2020
Thank you For the kinds words And yes I have done alot for the family and put my life on hold Time to move on Get my life back Thank you for the support and encouragement
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