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There is a point where you have to ask yourself if it would be better for your mom or dad to be in a nursing home or assisted by paid caregivers. That point is different for everyone.
From all the advice I have read here, you should never move them into your home unless there is no other choice. This is for your own peace of mind. Don't allow your guilt to ruin your life and your own family's life or grind you down to nothing. You have to realize your own physical and mental limitations! Don't make yourself sick over trying to care for them!
In the USA, Medicaid will pay for nursing home care if necessary, also if dad is a veteran, especially from WWII, the VA will pay for his care. There is help for nursing home costs.
MOST doctors are very sympathetic to the needs of the family.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
Thanks for reminding people of these important routes that can be taken.
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I am not even doing anything but handling the financial and legal affairs, and I think I would not do it again. It changes everything in the relationship. I am dealing with a brother, dearly loved, but we are a family that always "made nice" and swept anything ugly under the rugs. That can't always be done. There is resentment at the same time there is great need and the waters become very muddied as to whether you are a caregiver or a family member. Fiduciaries charge, and in an effort to save money for care I chose the path of taking care of all the trustee of trust and power of attorney for financial, thinking to be a big help. Yes, it has helped. It has also hurt emotionally and been a huge burden, one you are not thanked for really, as you are seen as "in charge of my money". You just do the best you can, but I think I would, knowing what I know now, just let someone handle it and be paid for it and be able to remain "little sister."
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
Yes, it’s very emotional.
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I've been my mother's caregiver for 3 years and though it is very tiring, I go on. It is not exactly because we couln't hire anyone (we could manage, even if it would be a bit difficult) et not because I think that I'm better at it than trained people would be. I do it because, as long as I'm the one caring for her, she can more or less imagine that life is still normal. Outside help is of course helpful but also means "you're sick". With me in attendance, though she does realize that her memory is fading, she blissfully doesn't quite know to what extent and practically escapes depression, which, in my opinion, is the hardest to bear. I'm tired, but I've a moderately happy alzheimer's mother, instead of a stressed one.
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Invisible May 2019
God bless you. Make sure you have backup.
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It's hard to imagine with the cost of AL and not knowing for how long that even if the siblings had not been helped that there would have been enough $$ to last.

It is a challenge, in my case there are benefits as well, and I would have felt immense guilt if I had not taken on this role. I've seen what happens when loved ones are placed in a nursing home, and although it gives one a bit more freedom and peace, if one cares, you still have concern and responsibilities and obligations to go check on them and hear the complaints.

I pray that we don't get to a point where mom with dementia needs that level of care...but in the meantime have also become more open to looking for some in home assistance. It's taken a long while for me to accept the circumstances that my out of state sibling was not going to be of any hands-on or other assistance.
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Invisible May 2019
That's the first reality - siblings don't help enough. The second is keep your mom as independent as possible for as long as possible. The third is you probably will need some kind of assisted living/memory care/long term care at some point. By then you are so involved, you want to stay involved. But - you know you did your best.
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No I would not. When you are younger you don't realize what it means to care for your parents. My Dad is a very difficult person and I had no idea until after my Mom passed away. Plus my sisters are no help at all.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
No help here from sibs either.
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If I could rewind the clock I would..taking care of my parents has ruined my life. Siblings disappear...they don’t help. And nobody gets it. I’m alone, exhausted, broke, nothing left. They have literally sucked the life out of me. I have no energy left to even pick up and leave...and go where? I will be dead way before them. The depression alone and isolation are going to kill me. The hurt is to intense to explain. I wish I were dead.
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CaregiverL May 2019
KRJ, You are not alone!!! So many of us feel like you do! Hugs 🤗
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yes, unlike my siblings, my conscience will be clean.
r.o.
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yes, unlike my siblings, my conscious will be clean.
r.o.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
Yeah, but I don’t think they see themselves as doing anything wrong. I’ve got sibling issues too.
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I did this for my father when he was at the End Stage of COPD mom wanted nothing to do with it, so I put everything behind me and stepped in was glad I got the time with dad we were never close until then, today it seemed worth while.
After dad passed I was preparing to head back to my home state but had some major set backs due to my mother (Long story, money was involved, which is always the situation.) and by time I was able to get my act together mother needed help and her first go at a nursing home didn't go well, she completely lost it, so I stepped in again.
So my answer is simply I'm 50/50
Dad was worth the trouble
Mom, as much as I love my mom has been harder then I could imagine and she doesn't want to make it easy, she's put us in financial situations that has left us flat broke and I've been forced to take control over everything but she keeps trying to fight me at this point, I wish I had left when I had the chance, now I'm stuck and dealing with it, some days are better then others of course but, Yeah', most of you have probably already heard all the nightmare stories some may have lived them, I'm living in one now, just trying to keep my sanity.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
Madhatter

Same here. I loved my dad but I certainly had differences with my dad. Didn’t realize until I got older that I didn’t understand him.

He did understand me, I just didn’t know it. I was a typical young person who thought they knew it all, haha. Wish I could take back some of the things I said to him. He was the most loving man I ever knew and always forgave me.

My dad and I became very close. He was a humble man. Used to be stubborn but I swear he became so loving and humble. So easy to please. He was a joy.

Mom is another story. For some reason I think our relationship became a competition of sorts. Does that make sense? Two women who need to stand their ground so to speak. Gets a little awkward. I’m trying my best. I know I am not always right, just like mom is not always right. A lot of compromises have to be made. Working on it.

Best of luck to you. Hugs!
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I have never been a FT caregiver with anyone but I know I wouldn’t be with my mom or dad. I have a strained relationship with my mom and she’s living. She’s hard to deal with now at 71 and fully independent but as she loses more and more of it she’s going to become more and more difficult. I am not interested in my home becoming a place of contention and stress and strife every day of the year. I love her but my obligation to care for her does not mean my entire life has to die to do it.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
I get it. Follow your instincts.
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I would definitely do it again, without question. My feelings are that although it can be stressful and fraught with disagreements, parent pulling rank, etc., this is my Mother. She took care of me, supported me, gave her all for me, & loved me when I was at times completely unlovable.

I consider myself fortunate that I have found ways for me to get support outside of family, I have joined a couple of support groups, along with this wonderful forum, that help me to cope with a couple of issues my Mother is dealing with. Yes, sometimes I am frustrated by her behavior, burned out and emotionally drained, but when I look back I know she felt the same way about me, but she persevered. This is my way of giving back to her for all of her efforts throughout my life...I needed her growing up and now she needs me as she ages.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
Can’t help thinking about how Mother’s Day is special. They gave us life. Counts for a lot. It’s just difficult at times.
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Yes I would do it again. However I should have had all my mother's legal documents checked by an attorney. NEVER BECOME THE CARE TAKER UNLESS YOU HAVE POWER OF ATTORNEY OVER ALL FINANCIAL AND HEALTH CARE DECISIONS. Being caretaker is hard enough without having an uninvolved sibling having control over any decisions. If they will not give up control make them the caretaker.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
Yeah, I need to look into that too. I only have medical power of attorney.
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Yes, but I would have done a better job. I wish I had put on my Xena personae earlier. I wish I had known more about how to take advantage of services available in the community, I could have replicated a lot of the care my mom received in the nursing home if only I had known what was required instead of having to try to figure it all out by reading on websites like this one. And once she was in the NH I could have saved myself a lot of grief by just going ahead and doing things my way without discussing it with the "experts" who worked there.

It still frustrates me that people I speak to who are caregiving in the community or with a parent in a facility all have the same issues and often with the same people, but there is nowhere to get together to talk about it and share information on coping strategies. I tried the Alzheimer's society support group - no words for how unhelpful that was🙄. I was initially hopeful that the family council at the nursing home would be that place but the mandated structure (a rep from the facility was present) meant it was more of a kumbaya gathering.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
cwille,

It truly is trial and error. I don’t think anyone could ever be prepared for what we have been through with our loved ones. I know that I wasn’t.

I have tried to do my best. I hate second guessing things. It’s difficult at times. Does it ever get easier?
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I would do it again. Even though there are countless days where I am burnt out internally or heartbroken, frustrated, grieving while my Dad is still here, all the emotions you go through, I would. He was always there fo me growing up, it just seems the right thing to do, to give back!!! Love him dearly!!!
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Iluvmymom May 2019
Exactly how I feel now as I am caring for my mother who has taken a sharp decline in the last week.
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I have taken care of both of them now just Mom. Dad past away 9 years ago and lived with us for 5 years. Mom is going on 13 years. Although we love her I don’t think I would have done this if I knew then what my family would go through. My husband is 70 years old I am 63 and Mom is 90 years old. We receive no help from my sister and brother with care or financially. I work full time and take care of my 6 year old grandson two days a week. Most of her care she does herself but my husband takes her shopping and is retired so he is with her all day. If we want to go out anywhere even to dinner she comes. I have asked my brother and sister for help and both never have time. I love her but resent her at the same time would I do it again? No
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
Know how you feel. It’s tough.
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I would simply because the ones attempting to be caregivers did an extremely poor job. I concur with the money and brother issue. I tried for years to get her to stop supporting my grown brother (who was stealing from her too!) to the point I had to stay away for months at a time. When she needed care, though, I stepped back in and picked up the pieces. Mom always said she wasn't worried because the Lord would take care of her. Well, He did, but it was at my expense!
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
Oh boy, seems like most of us have sibling issues, right?
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No I would not do it again. I would have found her a nice apartment or bought her a small house. The disruptions to our family, lack of privacy, drama, and loss of time I have for my handicapped son are too much.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
Yeah, sounds like you have more than your share to deal with. Hugs!
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II wish I had known more about the legal ramifications of being a POA/agent and fiduciary. It not easy to get the right answers, find the right elder law attorney, find the right care facility and move forward with decisions...but one has to. The best time to find information and make decisions is when one has time to discover the full-extent of a decision -- but often there is no time. So I've done the best thing for the moment, and I've sometimes had to re-do and re-do again. Even on this site, a well-known Medicaid expert has provided information that isn't correct...at least according to my mother's elder law attorney...and our local Medicaid office...and my social worker friend that helps people with Medicaid applications. If I could go back 18 months, knowing what I know, I would move forward differently.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
A lot to deal with. It’s so hard sometimes. Hugs!
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Thank you for posting this. I have felt very guilty about my decision to move mom into a nursing/care facility even though we are struggling financially. I'm currently tryin to get her on Medicaid to help with the financial problem since she had no assets. This sure does make me think about my own care when the time comes. Not sure how I'm going to manage that but I'm definitely making some plans.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
I think about it a lot too. Hubby and I are 63. Two daughters. I don’t want them burdened. It’s confusing and frightening at times.
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I would do it again, despite the physical and mental toll it took. I helped her up and down  a lot, which could be physically taxing, I didn't sleep as well, etc.  I'm sure when I was little and I got sick, she took care of me, so Hubby and I did the same for her.  I even wrote a book about our trials called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." My husband said that we were in this together, and he not only talked the talk, but walked the walk, sometimes literally, chasing her down the street when she would wander away.  It absolutely turned our lives upside down, but my mom just couldn't handle Assisted Living, (she tried it for a week, and I visited every day, but she just hated it). It was especially hard when my mom would be insulting to me, over nothing that I had control over, (like the rain, for example, as if it were my fault), but I just had to know that it wasn't really "her" any more. It was scary dealing with someone who wasn't rational all the time, but it became our new reality. I also changed my perspective from, I "have" to take care of my mom, to, I "get" to take care of my mom, and that mental shift helped. She was lucid some of the time, so I enjoyed that time with her. Our dog was sick then too, adding insult to injury, but we all just put one paw in front of the other, so to speak, and did the best we could. Of course, each situation is different, so each family just needs to make the best decision for them. There's no one right answer for everyone.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
We all have had our cross to carry. It gets awfully heavy at times.
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I lost both parents at a young age but I am the primary caregiver for my adult disabled son. He's now 40 & ive been doing this over 20 years. There are times I want to scream, times I want to just have a break for awhile BUT, that being said, I'm thankful for him. I WOULD do it again in a second. As I watch his body deteriorate, it breaks my heart. I know at some point I may not physically be able to care for him but that's not today so we keep going. I intend to have no regrets if the time comes that he's gone.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
I’m so sorry. Personally, I think it would be so much harder with a child. Many hugs!
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Mom is near end of life and she had symptomatic Alzheimer's for 10 years now. I hope she can reach 90 in 3 months but that is unlikely. We only have one mom, and I tell her I love her every single day. Despite how advanced her illness is, she understands I love her and when I tell her that--love is enduring even with Alzheimer's in most advanced forms. She is very back breaking hard work..but I love her dearly. Even if it means sacrificing my life for her. I don't mind---all I know or care about I love my mom. She is my sole priority in life. Nothing else matters.
If you are willing to sacrifice your life for your mom..which will devastate you then be the caregiver. The longer they live, the more intense and stressful the care. I even injured myself providing back breaking dead weight care. Hospice provides very little assistance--the home techs only stay about a half hour a few times a week.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
You’re a great daughter. 💗
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No absolutely not. My 93 year old mum has lived with me for over 2 years and whilst she is thriving I am not. I have given up my life for her and it has affected my health and well being terribly. I am so very unhappy and would never have taken her in had I known how awful it would be.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
Yeah, I get it. I have a variety of emotions at times.
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Hi
Without question is look after my mother. Life is hard you make the best of it. Best wishes too all.
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cetude May 2019
that's the most profound answer I ever seen. Yes we only have one mom.
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I went thru this. I am an only child and have no one to help me in my situation. My Mom moved in with us last year due to an illness, she is 85. I COMPLETELY agree with you, it is damaging to a marriage, relationship BUT on the flipside once you get thru the adjustment period I feel it is a blessing that you are all together as a family. You are caring for your parent in the most loving and nurturing way in lieu of a facililty with a bunch of strangers she cannot relate to. I would rather have my family with me til they leave this earth to know they left with family around them who loved them til the end.

That is just my personal opinion, everyone has their own situation to deal with. I send you love, hugs and prayers to make the best decision :)
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I had a hospice caregiver tell me, it seems to hit the smart ones very hard. That has stayed with me. Our mom's circle of friends has included a chemist, a physicist, an author of many books. An astronaut. All gone to various forms of ALZ, vascular dementia. Mixed. Gah.

Does it make it any less awful or painful for those not in that circle? No.

This is just awful. And I don't wish on worst enemy. You guys who are carrying the mantle of responsibility are in my heart. Strength to us all.
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anonymous432569 May 2019
I am curious on a hospice caregiver stated it hit the smart ones very hard? How do you gauge intelligence by their degree? what is the definition of smart than? I am confused by the statement. I feel we are all humans dealing with a VERY difficult situation that hits our life, a stress we cannot prepare for and we navigate in lifes' journey to be there for our parent or loved one to help them. It really comes down to helping someone, plain and simple. Nothing different if you donated to charity to help financially now you are helping someone physically and emotionally. I would not have it any other way. I would want someone to do that for me in my last years in life :)
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Absolutely would do it again. Mom can’t help what is happening to her, it frightens her, and I want to be there to reassure her and help her. I’m ok with my life not being easy or what I had planned for myself. Neither is Mom’s life what she expected or easy for her. She is sick and that makes me very sad for her.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
Nice to see how much you love your mom. Hugs!
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This may sound presumptuous, but I think most of things would have done things differently! Live and learn, tho. Heck, I did things last month that I would have done differently today!!! Much less over the last years. I've kinda given up on doing this 'right'. And just do the best thing that seems right at the time and hope for the best.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
Yep, it’s trial and error.
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I actually had this conversation with my nephew after my mom passed. My answer would be absolutely yes, because I would be better at it!
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
Good for you. I hope I would be better at it.
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Yes but....
1. I would insist on having them fit into my life rather than focus on them living out the rest of their days.
2. I would not move closer to them but rather have moved them closer to me and insisted they use their money to set themselves up in a home where they could age in place.
3. I would have established healthy boundaries from the start and avoided the caregiver burnout and compassion fatigue that compromised my health and mental wellbeing.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
All great choices. You know what they say about hindsight. Right? Hugs!
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