This is a tough one! I would not have my mom living with me. I would have insisted that she not waste her money by helping useless brothers who never did a good job managing money. That money would have paid for assisted living.
I would not do it again. I do love mom but this damaged our relationship. It puts a huge strain on a parent/child relationship. It’s too much pressure on the caregiver. It’s too hard for the parent to allow the child to have the upper hand. From what I have seen many times over, parents don’t want children telling them what to do, even if it is for their benefit.
What my wife and I didn't know when we agreed to move my dad from another state to live with us was that my siblings' previously shared commitment to helping provide his care would, for the most part, end. Only one sister (and her husband) out of seven siblings proved to be willing to continue providing any meaningful assistance. Some siblings remained passive and that was fine, but other siblings conspired to undermine my commitment to ensuring that all of our dad's financial resources would be available when he needed them for his well-being. These latter siblings did not question the level of care my wife and I had provided at almost no cost for my dad for 3.5 years, but they often questioned minor expenses and then really balked when I told them his house would have to be sold for him to continue living in the best memory care facility available rather than move him to the cheapest facility.
It's hard being a full-time caregiver for anyone with Alzheimer's dementia and in our case it was made harder by several siblings, but my dad deserved the best care we could provide and we would do it again, but, like I said, we would start out with different ground rules.
Yes, I'd take of my mom and dad again because they took care of me for about 45 years (I have cerebral palsy). However, I wished I would have known about getting a lawyer as soon as they were in their 60s to avoid probation, and POA. We did it at the last mins. right before Mom has became incompetent. Also, I wish I had known the conditions such as Sundown Syndrome, cognitive impairment and dementia before they got there. I wish I had known that their mail of bills that they forgot to do. I saw the piles, but I didn't that were bills to be paid.
I have to start taking my health more seriously. I did tests. More tests lined up. My primary doctor said my lab work was off. Taking different meds. Changed dosage on some meds. So we are working on getting things in balance. Lots of follow up visits scheduled. Big step for me because I am not one to run to the doctor. I hate going but I cannot neglect myself any longer.
Stress is a killer! Not eating properly, or should I say, skipping eating isn’t good for me, so I need to change that too. Not getting enough rest because of caring for mom for so long. Caregiving absolutely takes it’s toll on us.
I had this dumped in my lap which made it more stressful for me. Like many people in New Orleans mom was left homeless after Hurricane Katrina destroyed her home. That is how she came to live with us. There was no time to plan anything. The city was in mayhem after Katrina.
I must say I was not properly prepared for any of this. In spite of dearly loving my mom it would never have been what I would have wanted in my life, 14 years and counting of caring for mom in my home.
Has been a long winding road for both mom and my family. Lots of bumps in the road as well. I am still looking at alternative solutions and trying to care for my own health needs. Takes time. I thank God for a loving and supportive husband.
My heart sincerely goes out to every single caregiver on this site. Hugs to all of you for being there for me. I appreciate it so very much!
I have paid for long term insurance for about 15 years now and the price is almost $ 1000 a month now for both of us. But i think its worth it.
My daughter has offered to have us live with her and i continue to say no ... she doesnt know what shes asking for. If nothing else how will she feel at night when she comes home tired from work and we want to be entertained ... not to mention if we’re sick or bedridden or have dementia !
Im actually concerned that we’ll be healthy for so long that our bills will be so high that the insurance will cover only a small option of our needs so im continuing to work and trying to save. My retired husband pays our everyday bills.
Anyway ... thank you. It does make me feel better about turning down my daughters offer.
Fortunately she is well off . I found her a very nice upscale ILF then ALF. She abused me verbally for “putting her there” but she actually likes it, rules over some of the women and turns on the charm for the staff, her ideal situation. My husband and I take care of her health issues, etc. without thanks nor appreciation naturally but I wouldn’t expect it. I do it from a distance, I’m always kind and polite to her like I’ve always been but honestly I have no love for her, too much water under that bridge.
I sometimes wish I had a loving mother and father but I didn’t so I have been determined to be the best mother, grandma and wife , the opposite of her. That is the silver lining , she taught me not to be like she is . I go out of my way to help them , but I’d never be a caregiver for my mother . I have enough self worth not to.
Like you, the treatment I got just made me hate my parents while growing up and I swore never to be like that (many people carry on the traditions, well, it was good for me, so my kids get this too attitude... nope!) I more or less broke that mold. My brothers, not so much. One was/is abusive and held his daughter's reins too tight, the other was the opposite. I found the middle ground, without the physical "treatment" and verbal abuse the best. My kids do appreciate what I have done for them, growing up and beyond.