I want to run away from all this...

A trip to recover from eldercare exhaustion? I'm in! - a road trip, a cruise, a flight to Mars - whatever -
I'll bring munchies.
Hang in there - we're all with you.

My fantasy! Many days when the nighttime caregiver comes I practically run out the door, jump in my car, and burn rubber vrooming down the street like a cartoon character. I want to hop on the freeway - north, east, south, west - it doesn't matter, and just drive away from it all, to somewhere no one knows me and my history caregiving - yes, I too hate the word "caregiver" as describing me - as someone earlier pointed out. So many times I feel hunted by the needs of my elderly mom, her paid caregivers, the home care agency, the doctor, etc. etc.

"Helpful" hints like soak in a bubble bath or walk in the park don't cut it when your total existence revolves consciously or subconsciously around the needs of someone else - for literally years! These gems of advice are usually given by people who have no idea what it's like to have the responsibilities we have for another human who often has very limited mental -not to metion physical and possibly financial - capabilities.

Everyone has their end goal. Mine is to emerge healthy and not bitter. I don't feel noble or good for doing this. I feel stuck holding the bag with no end in sight. So, for me, it is day to day and praying I am not old and gray by the time it all ends. We'll just see how it goes.

I certainly have felt that way in the past few years. Both of my parents have gone now and I really miss my Dad who died in 2015. Unfortunately when my mother died in March all I could feel was relief. Are you able to get any respite time for yourself? I think if you were able to look forward to even an afternoon once a week it would help you through the difficult times. Be kind to yourself and try not to let the criticism get to you. You are no longer the child in this relationship and if you can think of yourself in the parent's role it is easier to think of the criticism more as their frustration with being no longer being in charge of their lives. I wish you the strength to get through this.

I am totally with you! Sometimes I just want to choke my dad because he is a smart ass. If you can't take it, you can't take it. The social worker of some sort will take over if you are not there. You have to take care of yourself first.

I read through a few of these responses and feel so bad for so many of you. I've been wanting to pack up and go myself for a long time, now. Today, was a bit of a disaster, so I was going to get into bed and read for an hour or two and hope that would constitute "getting away." I'm one of those people who has many siblings who criticize and make demands. I'm finished with them. Today, it was the ALF not responding to my Mom's call. She was left sitting alone, needing help to get to the bathroom for over an hour and then I had to listen to the (probably) lies about how she calls for help too much. One complaint was that she had called for help to pull her pants up in the bathroom after she used the toilet. Huh? She's SUPPOSED to have assistance. She's called a "one person assist." There has to be a better way for all of us to get through this.

@nolapam I say report your siblings for elder financial abuse. They need to be held accountable for their actions.

Jumary: I hear you! I really do! I wanted to run away from home, but it wasn't my home! I had to leave my home and move in with my late mother in Massachusetts where she demanded to live alone. My home was dust in the wind to me as I abruptly had to leave Maryland because my sibling "wouldn't do it." Remember this, though~~this, too, will end. Hang on. Hang on also to the memories, else they fall away.

I, too am awaiting the relief. However, I am taking big steps with making sure that I take care of my needs first. I have two adult children of my own, a wedding coming up for my son, my daughter wants to start a family and wants me to be around to enjoy my grandchildren. I absolutely refuse to let this woman (the mother) rule or control my life anymore. I am done. I am making sure she gets the care she needs...but that's the extent of it.
I had the best day with my daughter today at the beach...only to come home to be bombarded by nonsense from the mother. So I have to once again regroup before I go to sleep and get up for work tomorrow. This too shall pass.

same thing here there’s times I just want to get in the car and drive away what are you to do you know it’s still your parents you know I lost my dad in September and my mother right now is in a nursing home doing some physical therapy because she fail because she won’t listen and use her walker I’m just tired like you I’m just tired of the same oh thing you know I repeat things three and four times to her she’s worried about her money you know when dad was alive you know she had buchu‘s of money because he work for a good company but now she think she’s got all the money in the world and she don’t and then she keeps asking me where the money is SO WHAT DO U DO

CORGIMOM, if the socialworkers don't like care you give your Mom, leave her in their waiting room and let them have a go.

I understand. I am so, so, sorry. I felt this way at times, too, when caring for my Alzheimers MIL for six years in our home. She recently passed away & I’m glad now that I stuck it out. She got the most excellent care because we did hang in there. However, when I got burned out, we were able to hire more respite careworkers to help me. That is important - taking time to care for yourself and getting a little ‘time off’ occasionally. Luckily for me, my husband insisted on it as I tend to be overly self-sacrificial.

A cruise for caregivers would be fantastic. Now we just need to find someone to pay for our tickets! Seriously though, I got shingles a few months ago and now I have a cold, which I rarely get. My wife thinks it is because of stress. I am going to try to exercise more now and get plenty of sleep. I don't want all this to make me sick. I think our generation is paying a surprising price for improved medical care and longevity. Our parents' parent did not live this long. I love my parents, but I never expected my life would become like this. I don't want to be worn out once that are no longer here. I want to enjoy my life.

If only I had the time. I have secretly wanted to get a storage unit and day by day move everything that I have into it in preparation for the day I get my life back. To get down to the point that I could load up those final things in under two hours and vanish into the wind. It's a wonderful idea but my small life is still filled with a disaster of things. I can take only the minimal of actions until this nightmare ends and each day I stare at my truck and wonder if I have enough money to even fill the tank with gas by the time this situation becomes a bad memory.

I took care of my mom for 10 years. My wonderful husband helped me every step of the way. He was also ill with kidney disease. He got a kidney almost 3 years ago and was fine. He worked full time and did help me a lot with her. She had dementia and wasn't always easy, but she was my mom and I loved her. Like someone else stated, when I just had to have a week away we hired people and went, usually twice a year. It helps so much, as you are refreshed when you get home. Mom died a week ago after being in hospice in our house. He and I loved her and was so glad we had done this for her. We really do miss her.

My heart goes out to you! I'm the only one my Dad has & being poa I have to deal with it all (like you!) & I wish I could walk away from it! I know it's hurting me physically and mentally & believe it will sooner or later effect my health! I also don't know what to do & no one to help me?? A real distressed son.

Thank u. I agree they should be held accountable. I contacted state elder abuse and that was a waste of time. They said it was sibling rivalry and they don’t get in the middle. Anyone know best way to report elder financial abuse. Also looking for an attorney.

I will never contact a lawyer only if you want to lose all your money

What a great forum, and some very helpful advice! Plus, just caring thoughts and comments are so beneficial to most of us in the caregiver role. I actually had a month while mom was in rehab, and instead of going to beach couple days like I really wanted, I ended up going to see her daily. I did what I felt was right but deep down I'm a little mad at myself for not just taking those couple days I needed so desperately!! And still do. Mom came home last Friday so going out of town now is impossible......I did learn a lesson. Which is take time for yourself when it's given to you.

yes i think it would to but i feel Guilty for wanting to do it because then there’s no one here and no one understands the stress that we are under taking care of our folks my mother wants to say well I took care of you for the first 18 years I don’t understand that it’s different I’m constantly having to lie just to make her feel good she’s gonna drive me over the edge

Hickmalj- My guilt has finally gone away. My mother's verbal abuse and temper tantrums (she's been like this all of my life...it's just gotten worse) put me in a place of releasing all guilt.
I will not be treated in this way. Like many others of us, I am only here for her to make sure she is safe...and that's it.
My communication is minimal and I've stopped the once a week visits because it was a nightmare every single time.
She now has PT coming in twice a week and as far as I am concerned, she is being taken care of. I am POA, I communicate with her Drs...have access to her financial info in case she needs help...But I will no longer be her punching bag. At 61 (me) enough is enough.

I truley feel your pain. I just said the same thing yesterday as my dad called me names and my mom accused me of ignoring her even tho I'm taking care of them every day and basically giving up my life and neglecting my husband and my needs. It's exhausting and somehow not fair to feel the frustration and guilt !! There just aren't good answers out there. But, as I have been realizing lately, we can't live for their wishes. We have to get help. As a caregiver for my 90 and 91 year old parents with dimentia and other health concerns, I'm making the transition to not let them tell me what to do anymore. Not letting them lay the guilt trip on me. I'm taking control. Looking into home assistance and lining up a Memory Care facility. Don't feel bad and beat yourself up for feeling that way!! You need help when you feel that overwhelmed. I know. Going thru it and realizing I can't do it all. Youncan Wish you peace!!!

Depression is turning out to a very difficult. It seems to come at me out of nowhere. A small comment or situation with my parents sets me off now. I also know I'm not very pleasant to be with, which is no fun for my wife. Telling myself to focus on making it step by step and exercising is helping, and I can't worry about how long this is going to last.

Jumary;

I read through all the comments (and posted a few replies) - boy you really started something here!!! With all the people jumping on board, if ya'll remember this from Arlo Guthrie and Alice's Restaurant: "...And friends they may think it's a movement." In our case it will end with 'And that's what it is, the Alzheimer's Dementia Anti-Massacre Movement…' :-)

I did not glean a lot of information reading through everything about what it is you are doing for them. Clearly you are the designated POA. Are they living with you and your family, or you all with them? Are you providing daily care? It's hard to recommend anything without knowing this, but one thing I will say is being POA does NOT obligate you to provide hands-on care. You are their advocate, you can take over their financials, make many decisions for them, etc. If you have done this but they are criticizing what you do, then don't share any information with them about what you do. Take over what needs to be taken over and fluff them off. Change the subject. Check your watch and say OMG I'm late and skeedaddle! You should not have to really lie to your father - you can agree with whatever he says even if it is not true. This is known as 'therapeutic lies' or 'little white lies.' So long as it is not done to hurt anyone, do it. I know it is hard because I dislike lies of any kind, but I have learned to deal with it. You cannot argue with dementia - you will never win! Just go along with whatever he says and do what needs to be done without discussing it. For instance, our mother started asking to go to her mother's almost a year ago. At major holiday time, she queries what her mother is doing. Nana has been gone about 40 years! Rather than keep telling her that her mother is dead (we would have to repeat this all the time since her short term memory is gone!), we just go along, make excuses, defer visiting until another day. It is so sad, but you just have to go along with their "reality."

I took over mom's affairs well before we had to move her (mistakes paying bills, couldn't balance accounts, etc.) Two of us are POA, but I am the one who handles it all (her MC payments and issues, condo, pension, SS, accounts, trust, preparing condo for sale, contact for doctor, etc.) It sucks and takes way too much of my time, but someone has to do it. Now, if you are also having to provide hands-on care and/or living with them, that's a whole different game. If you've read most of the posts here, this can be a nightmare!! Of all who posted, I only noted one seemed truly happy and blessed to have cared for mom!! Certainly there are others, but it seems the larger percentage have issues caring for someone. Living together, if that is the case, should be stopped. If you are living in their home, move and get outside help for them. If they are living with you, explore any/all alternatives: find them an appropriate place and get them out.

If you are not living with them, do they need assistance with ADLs at this time? Do you provide that? If so, it is high time to find other resources for them. They may balk at aides coming to the home to help. Medicare sometimes will provide limited outside help, IF they agree to personal assistance, such as bathing. If they have limited income, Medicaid might provide help. If either was a veteran, there might be help from them, both assistance and financial.

Set your boundaries and limits and stick to them! Keep it to transport to appointments, picking up supplies and the like, but as for hands on, try to find an alternative. If they balk at anything you try to do, find alternatives - don't let them criticize you for what you try to do. If they refuse outside help, tell them they have to work better with you, accept outside assistance or they have to move to AL. ANY time they start criticizing or complaining, find the door and LEAVE!

Arrrrrgh, this character limit is soooo annoying.... TO BE CONTINUED

Continuation for Jumary;

As for your depression, if limiting time you actually spend with them does not help, seek some outside counseling for yourself. It is hard to step away and not help, as you might feel guilt for not doing more. There is only so much a person can do, especially when any help is rejected or criticized. Sometimes just knowing and understanding how these conditions affect the person helps you to know it is not YOU who is the problem and that you cannot fix what is broken. Learn to tune some of this out - again, not easy because it can build up, but learning to distance yourself when you start to feel overwhelmed can help. By setting boundaries and only dealing with those things you CAN work on, it should alleviate some of the stress. If you are there to do something for them and they refuse or criticize, leave. Tell them you will be back when they are in a better mood.

Absolutely find time for yourself, doing things YOU like to do and spend quality time with your own wife and family. Excercise is good, but find time to do the things you have enjoyed doing prior to this changing your life! There is nothing in a POA document that says you have to sacrifice everything for the person/people you have agreed to be "responsible" for. If you have other family members, is it possible to enlist their help? Clearly this is an issue for many of us, so just make an effort and if it is rejected, do not belabor it and do not hang on to any ill will you feel about it. You cannot change your parents, other family members or acquaintances, so don't make yourself miserable trying!

Do come back and use this site to voice concerns, and solicit suggestions. There are so many who have gone through what you are going through, so you are not alone! Keep us updated on how things are going, tell us what alternatives you have tried and what worked. If something works for you, it might help someone else!

Something else I thought of and didn't post in the other message: If they live on their own and their bills, bank statements, etc still go to their home, contact all the places and have the address changed to your address. If possible, remove all bills, statements, checking accounts/checks, anything and everything you can get out! In my case I had my brother take mom out and "swept" the place clean because she kept digging out old stuff or got a bill for something that was overlooked (condo insurance only came once/year so I missed that one!) Some things did take a long time and a lot of effort (federal entities do not care what kind of POA you have, and so SS, IRS, VA and federal pension took a long time to deal with!) Once these things were gone (W2s would trigger her thinking someone died and left her money!! She was elated, but confused because "it doesn't say who died." Because it was my dad's pension, it said "Death Benefit", so she interpreted that as someone else dying and leaving her money!!!) The easiest (took two years for changing that pension to have me as rep, VA paperwork do over still pending) way to deal with it was to make all of it go away!!

Also, does either of them still drive? Do they have credit cards? These could lead to other issues, and should be dealt with, but that is for another post...

Amen to that. I have often had a full tank of gas (Sirius XM) & my credit card....away I go, but seriously, I ONLY come back because I love my dogs & cats & they love me and APPRECIATE ME!! Maybe you need to find a reason to keep coming back? It is truly exhausting and many friends who are not care-givers have no understanding and therefore are of no help. Siblings? HAHAHAHAHAHA - oy, I think I peed. So again, for me, it's my pets that keep me coming home. Many times I sit in my car, do a little screaming, listen to Sirius XM (worth every penny since Valium does nothing anymore) and remember my furry babies who need me.

God bless you. Cry a little. Scream a lot. Don't hesitate, medicate! And remember, we here on this forum do understand so vent away when you need to.

wow, by the length of a few of these posts some people have way more time on their hands than I do.

About an hour ago, mine just informed me that she received the letter from the DMV regarding her license. Even though it was discussed by the gerontologist, her primary care and myself...She didn't hear it and now she is most likely going ballistic. I am removed enough from her right now that I won't feel her wrath. And I am also learning to new coping mechanisms for when I have to deal with her. Every single day....I mean every single day, it's something new with her. I must be well armored. lol (Oh...I like to ask the heavens above to shield me as well. It works).

My recommendation is to try to find a caregiver support group in your area. I participated in one for many years, as I was at the end of my rope trying to care for a mean and nasty sibling who was self- destructive. I was living in a nightmare until I was referred to a local caregiver support group and woke up . In the group, you will be with others who share your experiences, and you’ll learn better techniques for dealing with burnout. You will learn how to take care of yourself—and that you MUST do so. You’ll be able to vent all your deep feelings and frustrations in a very supportive atmosphere. These people will REALLY understand you—and you, them. And you’ll feel way less alone in this journey. It is hard to believe, but we actually laughed quite a lot in that group. Please give it a try. I made some lasting friends from that group. Many of those we cared for have since died, but we bonded and formed enduring relationships. For everyone who wrote, even though I’ve never met you, I’m in your corner, and here’s a supportive hug.

Regarding respite care...I learned from a friend that assisted living facilities offer respite care. My friend needed a break from caring for her mother—a stroke victim who had been living with my friend for many years. She told the mother that she was going to take a vacation and there was nobody to care for her at home, and the only option was assisted living. The mom went for a couple of weeks while my friend took a much needed break. The mom liked it there and a few months later, decided to move in full time. Respite care daily fee in assisted living is a bit more costly than the per day charge of a long term contract. But it offers a way out for the caregiver who is desperate for relief. This would be an appropriate contribution from those siblings who can’t seem to do anything else. Maybe they can cough up some money to give the caregiver a break.

This thought keeps coming to my mind, "I don't want to do this anymore." I guess that's when I'm not thinking I want to run away. It's not that I don't want to be there for my mother. It's that I don't want to have to constantly deal with the issues that come up because her assisted living facility is not what it should be as far as care goes. If I hadn't already paid the $2000 community fee, I think we would have been out of there by now. My mom has been there for two months.