I want to run away from all this...

Good morning Jumary - While I do not have answers or solutions, I just wanted to reach out to let you know that you are not alone in these feelings.  While I do not face a lot of the criticism issues, I too, and suspect many others, would like to leave.  I even look at the planes as they pass overhead and wish I were on one going to some far away land (one way)....
While it sounds trite, and I am sure you have been given this advice many times before.... you absolutely HAVE to find a way to maintain being your own person.  I don't know if your parents are living with you (hope not), but even if they do, you have got to find a way to detach some, and get outside help, if possible.  I know it is so easy to say, and so hard to do, and also when you know it is not a total solution to the issues.  But anything at all can be helpful.  MY MIL lives with us, and I work from home, I have had to literally get in my car, ride to the end of our street and sit there a bit just to get out of the same space with him. 
Older parents do not have a given RIGHT to treat you with disrespect, and I read this all of the time.... so many people taking care of parents who are just mean, uncooperative and unmanageable.  While I do not profess to under the mind of the elderly, my human side says that they use it as an excuse to be mean, AND I might add that while some disagree, it is not the same as when they cared for you as a child, because children are to be taken care of by their parents (if the parents are worth anything that is).  Adults with adult issues are not the same.  Provided you had a good relationship growing up with them, I think it is a sound decision to, in turn, help them.... but that does not include being a whipping post.
Blessings and best of luck to you.  While this does not offer a hard and fast solution, maybe it will uplift you some....

Boy do I get that. The only thing I can share is my answer to myself and that is to "dig deep"....there is strong growth in our caregiving experience. We may not recognize it presently but I feel sure that more will be revealed to us as we give, sometimes from reserves we doubt we even have, of ourselves. May God bless you with the patience, understanding, stamina and love that it takes to do what you are called to do 💕

I hear you!! I came to this website on a day when I was so frustrated with my Mom’s AND my Mother in laws demands that I wanted to pack up my husband, son and the dog and just leave and never come back. Of course, that would never have happened but I was at my last straw. The words of the people on this site are so very helpful and I’ve even posted several times when I just had to “vent”. What everyone is saying about your finding a balance and more personal time is so true. It’s not easy and you will face a battle of wills when you back away a bit but you have to - for your own sanity and health. At this point for me, my MIL had to go into AL with dementia support for her own safety and health. She became too much for my husband and I to take good care of. It’s been a mix of emotions because we have to go through her stuff at her house and determine what is kept, thrown out or donated. Even though she’s alive it still feels as though we are taking care of her affairs after death. She’s been at the AL since May and has only now begun to accept it. She went through a lot of mean and nasty “acting out” at first. With all this, I have to say that we are far less stressed and she is safe and well cared for. My Mom is still with us and she does get under my skin a lot but I’ve been able to distance myself when she demands too much of me. She is able to care for herself but would much rather I do it for her. Ongoing battles but it’s just what you do. Best of luck to you in your caregiving journey. Just remember to take care of yourself first. Be sure your parent is safe but also be sure you are giving yourself what you need to preserve your sanity and your health.

Those feelings are real and from other reader's responses, quite universal. But that feeling of wanting to run away is something you should listen to. It means that you need some assistance in the care of your parents, and you shouldn't ignore it. If you haven't yet done so, contact your local senior center or outreach person or senior council on the county level to find out what services your parents are eligible for. The metaphor that you want to "drive away" is a message to yourself that you don't feel as if you are "in the driver's seat." So my advice is to take charge and find some ways to lessen your burden. Think meals on wheels, medication dispensing machines, adult day care, help in the home, senior transportation to day activities, application to medicaid (if applicable), investigate other programs that allow more income. Formulate a working list of possible options. Find a way to share the burden; it doesn't have to be a big change, any change is a start and a validation of your feelings. It's so easy to burn out and I've been there.

What’s keeping you from doing that? I completely relate to what you are saying. That’s the question I’ve had to ask myself over and over. Another thing I found helpful is playing that out it my head... plan it out. It might be the right thing for you to do... maybe it is time to step back a little to preserve your health and sanity. You don’t have to completely back out, you can find a way to step back a little or a lot too. It’s your life and your choice no matter how others treat you and no matter what other people say. There might be some local resources to help you do this in a way that will give you more peace and support as well.

Oh dear Lord have I felt that urge... Battling with my wife's condition for almost 3 years, she's a shell of who she was... maybe 5-10%. The Abbott & Costello routine all day long drives me insane. Constant questions though I have told 3.5 zillion times honey I cannot understand a word you are saying.

What keeps me form doing what you said that has crossed my mind a ton of times? Duty. She's my wife for better or worse. I made a commitment to her but also to The Lord. I'd hate myself if I left. At some point and it would grow and be a cancer in my soul.

I'd miss my kids, I'd miss my grandkids and my family. I'd hate what some of them thought of me... though I know many would understand... but they would also feel I walked away from them which I would have.

This is the hand I'm dealt with as you. I gotta believe The Lord has a plan here.

My advice? Get more help, take some more you time but don't quit. Your parents need you desperately. But get more help and get more time away to be a better you for you and them.

Remind me too as I forget the same.

So glad to hear I am not the only one. My husband and I are both 70, and the minute I retired from working 35 years, he needed care. He is suffering from brain tumors with dementia setting in. We have no relatives, and he has systematically gotten rid of all his friends; he only wants ME there will him . . . all the time.. I am so ANGRY. I was looking forward to this time in my life after trudging through a so-so job and (to be honest) a so-so, childless marriage. I lose my temper often, which puts him in a bad depressed mood. All I have to be proud of is that I sometimes go days before losing my temper. I try to keep up with a few activities, but I have so much damage control to do when I get home I wonder if it is worth it. My doctor and other have recommended a psychologist or group, but I get to leave so seldom that I don't want to send that time rehashing my complaints.

My brother and I were both feeling like this. I was diagnosed with cancer in my spine, and yet my mother demanded constant attention on herself all the time. Finally, we moved her to assisted living. She has no phone there, so she can't call us unless she goes to the desk. They are taking good care of her there, and she has socialization. She only has money to do this for several months, and I don't know what will happen after that. But I do know that both my brother and I literally had to save our own lives from the very toxic situation. The relief when she moved in was unbelievable. I hope you can find a way to consider this. God bless you...

If u go take me too!! It has gone on 11 years with my father in law that lives with us. At least 5 years with dementia. Stroke 11 years ago. I have no life. Just got out of the nut house and they put me on all kinds of medications because we cant or wont place him in a nursing home. Too much guilt. It is so very hard. My only hope is that God will reward us. GET AWAY serious. If only for a day. God bless the caregivers!!!

Jumary, there are so many of us in your shoes, you are not alone. The only thing that has kept me sane is my faith (which was challenged going through this) and mostly the support of my husband. You can’t do it alone. Get help. We have hired 2 caregivers to cover the main hours needed and what can be afforded, if we could afford 24hr care that would be ideal. I played around with the idea to put my dad in a care home, but that’s also very expensive and he’s not there yet. Hang in there and reach out for support. Don’t wait until it puts you in the hospital like it did me. Stress & Anxiety is a deadly mix.

That caravan sounds like a great idea...how about lets rent a big bus and go and call it "running away for my life". I doubt it would work but sounds like
a super big smile and a laugh out loud just to think about it. We all have to take a big box of tissues and wear crazy clothes and stop at simple places to
just be free.
The Lord is my strength and my salvation and he uses others on the journey.

You are saying what a lot of people feel. You may want to look into a temporary caregiver, so you can take a respite. Get away and reboot. Good luck and safe travels.

I can relate, it is tough, I finally got a vacation for the first time in three years. Caring for my wife who had cancer, she passed 21 months ago, while looking after my mother as well has been exhausting. I am now retired (18 mos) and now mother has me on speed dial. We live near each other and I get 4-5 phone calls per day. Brother and I have been looking after her since she was in her mid-forties as she's never been able to cope by herself and a poor money-manager so we've had to do a lot in that area as well. Now that she is 83 she is getting to where she cannot live alone. We're already burned out and work is just getting started. Ugh. I hope you can look after yourself as I've found no one else can or will. All the best of luck.

I certainly understand the frustration as being the caregiver to a husband who is slowly retreating from any responsibility. He has had sepsis 4 or 5 times in the last 2 years.
I have tried to care for him at home with aides coming in. But I end up having to help the aide. When he comes home he ends up with another infection/sepsis and he goes back to the hospital and back to a skilled rehab place.
Everyone tells me to “take care of yourself”, how can you do that when you are in charge of everything?
I have no suggestions but I do wish the health care team would all be in the really realistic future.

Jumary...I hear you! You feel trapped. Our parents are living longer than their parents and we are one of the first generations to be stuck caring for them in the prime of OUR lives. My parents never had to care for their parents at all since they emigrated from England. There is still an expectation that we should help out, despite the fact that they have no idea of what a responsibility it is. I don’t have any answers for you other than to say that I know why you want to get in that car and drive. Big hugs.

Been there, wanted to do that, too. This was not the life you expected, nor is it fair that you have to deal with all this. I'm only 52 and the past couple of years I have spent WAAAAYYY too much time thinking and talking about retirement, assisted living, caregiving, etc. In fact, I really HATE that word "caregiver." I never wanted to be that and I hate when someone calls me that. Fortunately, my brother stepped in when I was at the end of my rope and he has been caring for my 86 year old mother for the past year. Of course, his way of caring for her is much different than my way, and she is willing to accept things from him that she never would from me. He pretty much just goes on with his life, and she is there for the ride. He doesn't deprive himself of vacations, sports activities, etc. When she gets sick, he calls the ambulance and when she is better, she's come home in an Uber sometimes because he can't/won't disrupt his life to get her the moment she wants to come home. After just a few months, he hired a caregiver to come several hours a day while he is at work. She takes mom to the store, the mall, out for lunch, for walks, etc. She has even taken over taking her to doctor appointments and other "necessary" things. When mom was here (she is now 3000 miles away from me) she fought with me tooth and nail about getting someone to help her. She wanted ME to quit my job and be her full time caregiver while she lived in her own home an hour away from me. When she got sick and was in the hospital, she expected me to be there by her side every day, be the one to pick her up, etc. Of course, I didn't always do that and that made me the "bad" daughter. I felt guilty when I went on vacation (even when she was well) even though I had people checking in on her daily. I left laminated sheets with my itinerary and phone numbers of all hotels, etc. for every person I knew (and mom) in case something happened while I was gone. My brother just goes and has a neighbor look in on her. He doesn't worry about it.

My point is is that everyone has their own way of "caregiving" and as long as the person being cared for is safe (not abused, fed, clothed, bathed, etc.) you have to find what works for you. Clearly what you are doing now isn't working for you or you wouldn't feel like this. Also, I believe the person being cared for will eventually adapt to their situation. It may not be the way they want it exactly, and they may try the guilt trip tactics to get their way, or anger or whatever "works" for them, but they will adapt....eventually. In the mean time, you HAVE to remember that you are just as important. You have to take care of yourself....you have a RIGHT to live a life that you are happy with. There are SOOO many really nice independent and assisted living facilities out there (yes, I know they cost $$), as well as people who have the tolerance to be caregivers, so PLEASE fine one to help you! You DESERVE a break and please do not feel bad or guilty about wanting/needing help. Try to find some activity to get involved with (a local club, volunteer work, etc.) that you look forward to. Plan a vacation to look forward to. It is OK to not want to be a caregiver 24/7. Your loved one will eventually adapt to the new "norm" and you will both be much better off for it.

Jumary, this task, journey, duty, or whatever you want to call it, is overwhelming. No matter how much good you get to experience, the disease will bring along a lot of stress as well. Your gut is talking to you. Respite is needed and now your task is to find it. Support groups in person are amazing places to vent, get ideas, and some even provide free care for your loved one(s) while you attend. The ones offered by the Alzheimer’s association had workshops, activities, and support groups for the caregivers and activities and social interaction for our afflicted loved ones. It was a Godsend and completely donation based. Some people threw some money into the box and others did not. No questions, no judgements and you are around people who “get it”. Best to you.

"They wanted" you as POA? If they want someone else now, let them change it. Of course, your dad may not be competent to change his. If they can't or won't change POAs, you are obligated only to act in their best interest. You're not obligated to make them like it; so when they complain, just walk away knowing you did the best you could for them.
It's not heartless or uncaring if it's the best you can do while maintaining your own life and sanity.
And, btw...you CAN relinquish your POA, if that's what you really want to do.

Come and get me.

I totally get it and we are going to hear more and more stories about this over the next years as more people have to deal with this.

My husband and I have been dealing with one parent after another's situation for almost the last 10 years. We are now dealing with the last parent, my mil, and I have to say we dread the possibility of her living for another 5-10 years (which is a possibility at 85 as her mother lived to 100). Sounds terrible? Maybe. But at 56 this has taken a huge financial (had to stop working when my mom fell in 2010), emotional and physical toll on us. It's been a strain on our marriage. My husband was just diagnosed with a disease and I now over-worry about both of our health, which I think stems more from being in the midst of aging and dying for so long than anything else.

My husband had to take a leave from his job three years ago to deal with all of this and at 60, there's no going back into his field. We had to move my mil from another state close to us and after not really spending anytime around her ever, I'm realizing now that she is a hoarder and narcissist. Being around her for any length of time is draining and she passive aggressively puts down my husband and now, recently, me.

She luckily has more than enough financial resources to pay for any care (her very large sum of money is hoarded away and the most important thing to her - more than her children), so we have decided that when she needs more care, we will hire someone and she can be in a facility. Honestly, if she seemed like she cared much at all about my husband I would feel differently - I think she was always this way, but now it's more pronounced.

If you haven't been through it you have no idea what it is like. I have other friends who lost parents at a younger age or parents went quickly and they really have no idea. I also have friends who are scrambling now to deal with this as they see that their parents may live a lot longer. They are having to make tough decisions about their own lives and sacrifice financially in may cases to take care of parents who don't have much resources.

I was fortunate with my mom in that I had siblings to step in, but most importantly my mother never became mean and she had told all of us she did not want to live forever and especially in a nursing home (my grandmother spent the last 10 years in a nursing home). She said repeatedly the last two years of her life that she was ready to go. I didn't love hearing that, but it made it easier in an odd way. She did not want her children to have to take care of her and preferred a retirement home (my brother chose to have her live with him at a certain point) and then nursing home for 5 months after becoming completely bedridden.

As someone said, we are the first generation to deal with this on this scale. It is hitting the late baby boomers and will hit gen xers the hardest. AND- this is hitting all of us at an age when happiness is at it's lowest and stress and unhappiness are at their peak (statistically speaking).

The main thing is - don't feel guilty, develop some strong emotional boundaries to take care of yourself. You will grieve and remember the parent they were (if you had a good relationship before) when they go. And know that you are doing your best even if you feel like you aren't. Also, DO go talk to someone about it. A counselor friend recently told me she is seeing more and more clients in our situation. And they all say - I though this time of my life would finally be easier. Instead it's just the opposite.

And know, that this too shall pass. I say that every single day.

Come and get me. We will upgrade car to cruise ship

Wow, I feel exact same way. My siblings abandoned my mother because she refused to leave her home. I promised her I would be with her and my dad as long as we could take care of each other. My siblings took my dad, who had stage2-3 dementia to a retirement home that offered no medical services. They tried to persuade mom to join him but she refused. They were married for 67 years.

Dad became ill not long after and passed away last month. For the 6 months he was at the facility, he was hospitalized 3 times and at the drs many times. He was diagnosed with COPD and asthma, no history of either so I suspect either the sitters were smokers or the building was toxic. My siblings spent more time with dad in 6 months than they did in years.

My mom was alert and spry at the beginning and prayed for dads return home. My siblings were vicious in their dealing with her. They put her out of dads room for disturbing him. She said they were talking about her not having any money. The siblings cleaned her account and stop paying her medical bills, mortgage and home insurance telling her she was not entitled to dads funds because she did not work outside the home —a decision my dad made. They threatened her with lawsuits and eventually filed a frivolous lawsuit to evict me. I had to go to court twice but both times the judge refused to hear case because there was no evidence. Yesterday, the sheriff delivered a summons for mother to appear in this frivolous case. She will be 90 this month, has depression, grief and advancing dementia brought on by her children. She refuses to leave the house and could not attend the funeral. Rather than bury my dad in the plot he selected and purchased, they buried him in the country 60 miles away.

Mom was doing everything for herself and assisting me with dad but now I do everything. On her good days we have 1 minute conversations. On her bad days she cusses me and calls me stupid. She was getting up every three hours at night and fussed about having to go back to sleep. Now she sleeps all night thanks to lavender and lemongrass. I spray her pillow, have a diffuser and a plug in deodorizer.
Didnt intend for this to be so long but your post inspired me to tell my story. I am in therapy once a week and can sometimes get someone to sit with her to run errands. When I return she is angry and verbally abusive. She threatens to hit or kick me but I told her that won’t happen.

in summary, lavender and therapy for myself. With the siblings trying to evict me from a place I don’t want to be, them stealing the money, exacerbating her dementia, having to care for her everyday and not much time for myself, I truly wish I could just walk away and go live my life far away. She ran home health folks away because she has always been mean and anti-social. Memory care facilities are pricey and I would have to foot the bill out of my retirement. I feel trapped.

You are not alone. Sometimes when I fill the car with gas I look at the available mileage & dream of just driving away...
@Orlando I’m dealing with my passive aggressive, hoarder, narcissistic mother. Everyone thinks she’s just such a sweet old thing. I think the only reason I haven’t had a heart attack or stroke yet is Xanax.
@Anniepeepie Pick me up on the way to the cruise ship please.
I’ve been a lurker here for quite some time. Honestly, just reading how many people are going through the same thing and feeling like this helps tremendously.

I know EXACTLY how you feel!
My 86 year old Father in law lives with us and wont listen, he cant take anyone telling him ANYTHING, he KNOWS IT ALL! He Disrespects me and wont stop taking food to his room despite my numerous requests and confrontations with him. He will just start yelling at me if I try to tell him something.
My mother in law died a year ago August 2 (last week) and Im so stressed out and pissed off that Im seriously begining to hate him!
Sad but true. I used to LOVE old people until he moved in, now I dont even want to be around them!
I want him out of my house! I want my privacy, my sanity, and to be able to feel comfortable in MY OWN HOME!
Its bad enough Im married to a narcisstic male cheauvenist but now I have a duplicate 86 yr old version of him too living with me!
Everything this man hears or sees on the news is Bible!
Dont do this, Dont do that, you cant go outside because of the air quality, dont eat salads, dont eat fish, oh my gosh he drives me crazy! I wish I could stop him from watching the news all day and put on cartoons or something to make him stop!
He loves talking with his mouth full while hes eating! He spits food everywhere and as soon as he starts eating THATS when he starts a conversation! He wears this cheap cologne that my sister in law gave him, it makes me nauseous and gives me a headache.
Im so unhappy, stressed out, depressed, and just dont see an out anytime soon.
At 50 something years old my life wasnt supposed to be like this! I didnt sign up for this! I want to run away just me and my dog! Call me when its over!

I feel the same way. My mom was not a good mother and set so many poor examples. I have always been the person she dumped on, through 2 marriages. She is in AL about an hour from me, but I am POA and do everything for her including handle financial matters. It took me 3 months of constant data gathering and phone calls to trigger her Long Term Care policy. I spend SO much time on her. At this point I am just going Sundays for church and brunch, and bring her any supplies she needs. Sometimes she calls me 10 x a day to complain. I have a diabetic child and a husband who travels. I am exhausted and I dread Sundays when I wish I could stay home with my family.. My husband is supportive but resigned and hates to see me drained when I come home on Sunday. She makes me cry all of the time. The kicker is, I have an older brother who lives 2 hours away and he hasn't come to see her in 3 years. He calls her maybe once every 4-6 weeks, and when she begs him to come he replies "we mustn't see eachother". And he served me with cease and desist orders to stop harassing him (aka asking him to help with mom and telling him how dishonorable I think he is). He is a Colonel in the Army and everyone thinks he is so wonderful but I loathe him and hope I never see him again. I am not allowed to have contact with his two adult children, either. What a crappy situation. My aunt and grandmother were just like this at the end...I pray I don't end up like her!

Do you have a empty seat? I'll pay for the gas and meals.

Don't run away but stop being a doormat. Stand up to them and talk to them adult to adult not child to adult. Tell them what you need and if you do need to get away, tell them so and take a vacation. If you mom cannot care for your dad while you are gone,, help her make arrangements for sitters to help.

sounds bad. I'm sorry. You're definitely not alone in that sentiment.

Can I join you? I’m in the same boat!

Jumary, I have been feeling this same way today all day. When family turns on the POA after a lengthy period of time (for me 8 years) and uses whatever influence they can to criticize and make that person's life difficult then it leaves nothing but stress and regret. How can they be so insensitive? I do not understand at all and like you, I just want to drive away and not look back.

The reality is that I will have to finish this out then drive away and not look back. If I can handle the stress of it all and I am trying. The viciousness of my siblings is beyond comprehension. My sister actually works for a major insurance company and is even using her knowledge and position to make my filing claims and processing them difficult by communicating with the nursing home and the insurance companies while I am still here managing my Mom's life. She is actually working against me and I feel alone and drained. She lives 5 hours away in another state. Visiting my Mom each night is so tough and my other family members get to keep living their lives while I am it. I totally understand what you are saying and its just wrong.